First time posting
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
First time posting
Hi. I've been reading the threads for a while but haven't had the courage to post before. Have been a member of Al-Anon for a while and need to get back but can't do that for a couple of weeks for logistical reasons.
It would take a whole book to tell my story but, to keep it short, my AH's drinking got progressively worse over about 5 years til he was arrested for drink-driving 18 months ago. Last year he spent 6 weeks in rehab, only to relapse a few days after he came out. He tried to convince everyone that he was now a 'social' drinker and had it under control. Our 19-year-old daughter challenged that and said she could no longer live in the same house. Then everything fell apart. The two of them were no longer speaking, he was moving in and out and said he was no longer sure he wanted to be with me. I ended up having a total breakdown and had to move in with my in-laws to be cared for for 6 months. I am well enough now to go home so my AH is moving out of the (rented) family home and I am moving back and then will look for somewhere smaller to live myself. He says he wants a separation and that we are toxic for each other. I have seen him a couple of times in the last 6 months, have spoken once or twice and otherwise communicated a bit by email.
I really don't know what is going on in his head. On occasions he has sent me notes that imply he still cares and he wants a fresh start and he has asked his mother whether she thinks I would consider having him back. However, the last time I saw him was horrible. He asked me what I truly felt and told me that knowing that would be helpful to him. I told him truthfully that I had never stopped him loving him and that I wanted to save our marriage. He responded by saying that he couldn't say he loved me. I said that I knew we had had ups and downs but that for me the good bits had outweighed the bad. He said the opposite was true for him. He said that I was toxic and controlling but he acknowledged that not everything was my fault. He said (in a nasty tone) that he might be prepared to consider relationship counselling at some point.When I asked whether that was what he actually wanted he said he didn 't know. When I told him that I had picked up the impression once or twice that he wanted to try again he said that I had misinterpreted the situation. He was completely cold and hostile. When I started to cry, he said I was making it easier for him to leave.
I just want to know how much of this is us/him and how much is the alcohol. I don't know whether or how much he is drinking although our daughter (sort of reconciled with him now) tells me he was certainly drinking last month. He gives the impression that he is not drinking - or at least has it under control. He is working hard and whenever he phones his parents they say he is sober.
I have been through hell and back and I am heartbroken (should have been my user name but I spelt it wrong). He implies that he has been unhappy throughout our 27-year marriage and that I am the cause of his problems. I know things have n't been perfect and we have had to face a lot of problems - financial/ terminal illness of family members/children's issues etc. But I always thought we supported each other through life's difficulties. I have certainly done my best to support him with his drinking problem. I never got angry but always tried to be sympathetic and loving. I went to court with him, drove him to counselling sessions, supported him through rehab etc. When he came out of rehab, I suggested we renew our marriage vows. I should have seen the warning signs as his reaction was so lukewarm.
I'm not sure what I want from this forum. I just feel so confused and sad. It is as if he really hates me now and I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve that. I have so much love to give him and he throws it back in my face.
If I'm honest I can't see it ever working again, whether he was dry or not, he has changed so much. I just want back the man I married but I fear he has gone for ever.
Thanks for listening.
It would take a whole book to tell my story but, to keep it short, my AH's drinking got progressively worse over about 5 years til he was arrested for drink-driving 18 months ago. Last year he spent 6 weeks in rehab, only to relapse a few days after he came out. He tried to convince everyone that he was now a 'social' drinker and had it under control. Our 19-year-old daughter challenged that and said she could no longer live in the same house. Then everything fell apart. The two of them were no longer speaking, he was moving in and out and said he was no longer sure he wanted to be with me. I ended up having a total breakdown and had to move in with my in-laws to be cared for for 6 months. I am well enough now to go home so my AH is moving out of the (rented) family home and I am moving back and then will look for somewhere smaller to live myself. He says he wants a separation and that we are toxic for each other. I have seen him a couple of times in the last 6 months, have spoken once or twice and otherwise communicated a bit by email.
I really don't know what is going on in his head. On occasions he has sent me notes that imply he still cares and he wants a fresh start and he has asked his mother whether she thinks I would consider having him back. However, the last time I saw him was horrible. He asked me what I truly felt and told me that knowing that would be helpful to him. I told him truthfully that I had never stopped him loving him and that I wanted to save our marriage. He responded by saying that he couldn't say he loved me. I said that I knew we had had ups and downs but that for me the good bits had outweighed the bad. He said the opposite was true for him. He said that I was toxic and controlling but he acknowledged that not everything was my fault. He said (in a nasty tone) that he might be prepared to consider relationship counselling at some point.When I asked whether that was what he actually wanted he said he didn 't know. When I told him that I had picked up the impression once or twice that he wanted to try again he said that I had misinterpreted the situation. He was completely cold and hostile. When I started to cry, he said I was making it easier for him to leave.
I just want to know how much of this is us/him and how much is the alcohol. I don't know whether or how much he is drinking although our daughter (sort of reconciled with him now) tells me he was certainly drinking last month. He gives the impression that he is not drinking - or at least has it under control. He is working hard and whenever he phones his parents they say he is sober.
I have been through hell and back and I am heartbroken (should have been my user name but I spelt it wrong). He implies that he has been unhappy throughout our 27-year marriage and that I am the cause of his problems. I know things have n't been perfect and we have had to face a lot of problems - financial/ terminal illness of family members/children's issues etc. But I always thought we supported each other through life's difficulties. I have certainly done my best to support him with his drinking problem. I never got angry but always tried to be sympathetic and loving. I went to court with him, drove him to counselling sessions, supported him through rehab etc. When he came out of rehab, I suggested we renew our marriage vows. I should have seen the warning signs as his reaction was so lukewarm.
I'm not sure what I want from this forum. I just feel so confused and sad. It is as if he really hates me now and I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve that. I have so much love to give him and he throws it back in my face.
If I'm honest I can't see it ever working again, whether he was dry or not, he has changed so much. I just want back the man I married but I fear he has gone for ever.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am so sorry for the pain you are in and the situation that brings you here.
From what you have reported here, your husband is simply not in a place right now to be a suitable partner to you or anyone else.
However, you have the opportunity now to turn your focus away from him and the contradiciton between the things he says and does and to place it on taking care of yourself and building a relationship with yourself that does not depend on whatever he is doing. Joining this forum is a great first step. Getting back to Al-anon would be another.
From what you have reported here, your husband is simply not in a place right now to be a suitable partner to you or anyone else.
However, you have the opportunity now to turn your focus away from him and the contradiciton between the things he says and does and to place it on taking care of yourself and building a relationship with yourself that does not depend on whatever he is doing. Joining this forum is a great first step. Getting back to Al-anon would be another.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
It sounds to me as if he's nowhere near ready to quit drinking. Though it might look, on occasion, like he can "control" it, trust me--it's controlling HIM.
That said, it doesn't sound like he really wants an adult relationship. I have no doubts he's been unhappy for a long time, but that isn't because of you, specifically. Nobody who is drinking alcoholically can really have a happy relationship with anyone else because they don't have one with themselves. I have a feeling that any attempts at marriage counseling will turn into more of a blame-fest as he tries to justify himself. Personally, I wouldn't be up for that kind of an ordeal if I were you.
Look, you are just getting back on your feet after this relationship brought you to your knees. I'd suggest focusing on your own recovery and start making plans to learn to live happily on your own. There IS life and happiness after divorce from an alcoholic. Thankfully, you don't have to navigate shared parenting--that will make things far less complicated (I'm assuming you don't have younger kids).
Stick around, and do get back to Al-Anon. It was a lifeline for me.
It sounds to me as if he's nowhere near ready to quit drinking. Though it might look, on occasion, like he can "control" it, trust me--it's controlling HIM.
That said, it doesn't sound like he really wants an adult relationship. I have no doubts he's been unhappy for a long time, but that isn't because of you, specifically. Nobody who is drinking alcoholically can really have a happy relationship with anyone else because they don't have one with themselves. I have a feeling that any attempts at marriage counseling will turn into more of a blame-fest as he tries to justify himself. Personally, I wouldn't be up for that kind of an ordeal if I were you.
Look, you are just getting back on your feet after this relationship brought you to your knees. I'd suggest focusing on your own recovery and start making plans to learn to live happily on your own. There IS life and happiness after divorce from an alcoholic. Thankfully, you don't have to navigate shared parenting--that will make things far less complicated (I'm assuming you don't have younger kids).
Stick around, and do get back to Al-Anon. It was a lifeline for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
long-term drinkers are internally miserable people they find no joy in anything, see everything external to them as THE PROBLEM and therefore turn to alcohol to drown it all out. no one can fix it for them, no matter how much effort is put in to the challenge. they just coast along in their self-induced misery.
your breakdown demonstrates just what a toll this has all taken on YOU. and that is where you need to focus your energies. he cannot fix you. his desire to disengage is motivated from having his drinking so exposed from the DUI and the fallout from that. he's probably wanted "out" for a long time......out so he can drink in peace. it has nothing to do with you. or your daughter.
i hope you are able to resume alanon very soon. please take care of yourself.
your breakdown demonstrates just what a toll this has all taken on YOU. and that is where you need to focus your energies. he cannot fix you. his desire to disengage is motivated from having his drinking so exposed from the DUI and the fallout from that. he's probably wanted "out" for a long time......out so he can drink in peace. it has nothing to do with you. or your daughter.
i hope you are able to resume alanon very soon. please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, hearbroken. Welcome to SR.
It doesn't sound as though your husband is embracing sobriety or recovery.
That's one thing.
It sounds to me that, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to be with you at this point in time.
That's another.
It's very hard to let go of a marriage. Nevertheless, I suggest, with kindness, that you let him go on his path.
As sad and as hard as it feels right now, you may find yourself happier and calmer when away from his alcoholic orbit for a while.
Also, please consider what life will be like with him 10 or 15 years down the road if he continues to drink.
Support and good thoughts.
It doesn't sound as though your husband is embracing sobriety or recovery.
That's one thing.
It sounds to me that, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to be with you at this point in time.
That's another.
It's very hard to let go of a marriage. Nevertheless, I suggest, with kindness, that you let him go on his path.
As sad and as hard as it feels right now, you may find yourself happier and calmer when away from his alcoholic orbit for a while.
Also, please consider what life will be like with him 10 or 15 years down the road if he continues to drink.
Support and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, Hearbroken. Please know that this:
is simply not true. Just like you can't control his drinking or cure it, you're not the cause of it.
After I'd left AXH, I worried, a lot, about whether or not I *made* AXH so unhappy and was I was the reason that he treated me the way he did. It was pointed out to me that people make the decision to step away from a relationship that's not making them happy every day. Every. Day. IF I had been making AXH completely miserable, he could have left. He could told me he was leaving and walked out the door. He could have given me notice that in x days he'd be gone. He could have told me the minute before he walked out the door. He could have packed up and disappeared without a word. Or he could have suggested counseling. Or....
He had options, just like I had options. The fact that he didn't act on any of them except the one he did was HIS decision.
Originally Posted by hearbroken 
He implies that he has been unhappy throughout our 27-year marriage and that I am the cause of his problems.
After I'd left AXH, I worried, a lot, about whether or not I *made* AXH so unhappy and was I was the reason that he treated me the way he did. It was pointed out to me that people make the decision to step away from a relationship that's not making them happy every day. Every. Day. IF I had been making AXH completely miserable, he could have left. He could told me he was leaving and walked out the door. He could have given me notice that in x days he'd be gone. He could have told me the minute before he walked out the door. He could have packed up and disappeared without a word. Or he could have suggested counseling. Or....
He had options, just like I had options. The fact that he didn't act on any of them except the one he did was HIS decision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi HearBroken, I'm empathize with your situation that brings you here, yet, glad you are. There are lots of great articles in the stickies that helped me find peace. You've received great wisdom from others and I am sure you will receive more. I just wanted to offer my take on your user name .... for whatever reasons after reading your story I felt compelled to share with you that I found your user name fitting for your post for two reasons. The first: It sounds like you have been having to "hear" a lot of information from someone who is "broken". I wish you are able to find who you are and what makes you happy and then hear those truths loud and clear. The second: Until you find those things that make you happy, I am glad your hearing is broken, because those things you've been hearing are not beneficial to YOU and your well being. Personally, I felt like I had become a non person with my XAH and I heard a lot of the same broken life views from someone who was not a healthy, loving, supportive partner and who did not want the best for me. As your heart heals, so will your hearing ... like they say in Al Anon "take what you like and leave the rest" Focus on the positives and stay strong, friend. Hugs
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