Another laugh-or-cry moment - alcoholics doing that stuff they do
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Another laugh-or-cry moment - alcoholics doing that stuff they do
My ex AH is responsible for a lot of quack-like behavior:
I got a message from his second ex-wife (X2) a couple of days ago. X2 wanted to know if I had seen ex and if so what sort of shape he was in.
Why? Because her real estate agent (who is selling the former marital home of ex and X2) was worried about him.
What on earth does the realtor have to do with anything? Well, apparently the realtor was acting as his sponsor in a 12-step group.
Wait, isn't it a conflict of interest if they're also doing business together? Well, yes it is but ex confided in the realtor about his "problems" and asked for help, and told the realtor to keep it a secret from X2.
Okay, so why is the realtor worried? Well, ex apparently stopped showing up for the 12-step group after he got his 30 day chip, claiming to be sick but probably actually drunk.
Why is this my problem or X2's problem? It isn't really ...
So we have:
1. Ex finding a new source of emotional support and sympathy, as the well has pretty much run dry with me and X2 and most of his friends. The realtor is just the latest in a long series.
2. Ex drawing this new person into a confidential relationship around his secrets ("I need to confide in someone ... I'm having a really rough time ... I think I really need a friend...").
3. Ex triangulating relationships around secrets (you and me have a secret, but you can't tell a third party. The two of us against him/her).
4. Ex committing to a recovery program but once again blowing it off after he's gotten the validation and approval he wants (the 30-day chip, in this case).
5. Ex having no sense of appropriate boundaries (your real estate agent is there to sell your house - he's not your buddy or your friend or your personal support system).
I have no idea why ex blew off the realtor's 12-step group and have no intention of trying to find out. I'm just noting patterns here. Once I become attuned to these patterns, I keep seeing them.
I got a message from his second ex-wife (X2) a couple of days ago. X2 wanted to know if I had seen ex and if so what sort of shape he was in.
Why? Because her real estate agent (who is selling the former marital home of ex and X2) was worried about him.
What on earth does the realtor have to do with anything? Well, apparently the realtor was acting as his sponsor in a 12-step group.
Wait, isn't it a conflict of interest if they're also doing business together? Well, yes it is but ex confided in the realtor about his "problems" and asked for help, and told the realtor to keep it a secret from X2.
Okay, so why is the realtor worried? Well, ex apparently stopped showing up for the 12-step group after he got his 30 day chip, claiming to be sick but probably actually drunk.
Why is this my problem or X2's problem? It isn't really ...
So we have:
1. Ex finding a new source of emotional support and sympathy, as the well has pretty much run dry with me and X2 and most of his friends. The realtor is just the latest in a long series.
2. Ex drawing this new person into a confidential relationship around his secrets ("I need to confide in someone ... I'm having a really rough time ... I think I really need a friend...").
3. Ex triangulating relationships around secrets (you and me have a secret, but you can't tell a third party. The two of us against him/her).
4. Ex committing to a recovery program but once again blowing it off after he's gotten the validation and approval he wants (the 30-day chip, in this case).
5. Ex having no sense of appropriate boundaries (your real estate agent is there to sell your house - he's not your buddy or your friend or your personal support system).
I have no idea why ex blew off the realtor's 12-step group and have no intention of trying to find out. I'm just noting patterns here. Once I become attuned to these patterns, I keep seeing them.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that I'd necessarily draw the same conclusions you have, but either way, you can be thankful none of it is your problem. I'm sure the realtor is legitimately concerned about him, and anyone who works with other alcoholics knows the score. The majority of people you start off helping are likely to drink again. It goes with the territory. You keep helping because a certain number of people really ARE ready and willing. Not sure it's a conflict of interest--I don't see how she stands to be harmed by the fact that they're working together.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the 12th Step says:
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
this means outside of meetings, in our daily lives, at our jobs, in the grocery store. so a real estate agent could carry the message to another suffering alcoholic who he happened to meet in the course of his job.
no conflict there. but involving the EX wife, asking HER how the A is doing, to me that crosses a line. that is inappropriate, IMHO. that violates anonymity and the unspoken and unwritten rule about confidentiality.
for 2nd ex to then turn around call you.....well now we're getting a little.....weird.
perhaps try not to sleuth out the sinister underpinnings of everything he does. keep it simple.
he's an alcoholic.
he isn't done drinking.
he isn't changing.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
this means outside of meetings, in our daily lives, at our jobs, in the grocery store. so a real estate agent could carry the message to another suffering alcoholic who he happened to meet in the course of his job.
no conflict there. but involving the EX wife, asking HER how the A is doing, to me that crosses a line. that is inappropriate, IMHO. that violates anonymity and the unspoken and unwritten rule about confidentiality.
for 2nd ex to then turn around call you.....well now we're getting a little.....weird.
perhaps try not to sleuth out the sinister underpinnings of everything he does. keep it simple.
he's an alcoholic.
he isn't done drinking.
he isn't changing.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
+1 on trying to figure out what he does.
Yesterday I was in tears - this is Father's Day weekend, DS got dad a sweet framed picture trio of two of them. I kept wondering how come XAH went from being dedicated attached father to someone who cannot manager to dedicate a whole weekend to his son twice a month.
And then I remembered that while he may be sober, he is still a self absorbed addict.
Yesterday I was in tears - this is Father's Day weekend, DS got dad a sweet framed picture trio of two of them. I kept wondering how come XAH went from being dedicated attached father to someone who cannot manager to dedicate a whole weekend to his son twice a month.
And then I remembered that while he may be sober, he is still a self absorbed addict.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Going out on a limb here, but maybe ex2 was reaching out to you, and this was a reason to do so.
You had mentioned recently that you and she were less at odds these days.
Just a thought.
You had mentioned recently that you and she were less at odds these days.
Just a thought.
For the person who mentioned the 12th step - I hadn't thought of that explanation. I would find it strange to take someone with whom I had a contractual business relationship and personally sponsor them in recovery from addiction, but then I"m not in AA so I don't know what's typical.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Ex seems to have a lot of issues going on, and I think expecting him to make bad choices and illogical decisions is to be expected. I can see why the ex2 contacted you however, she probably wanted to get your take on it. Its weird. I would be way more concerned with a Sponsor who is getting involved in a business transaction where he is going to make a profit himself & where he is both guiding the sale / sale price of a home, and basically mentoring, and advising his sponsee. Things like this just reinforce my concerns over unhealthy situations with peer mentoring especially when someone is clearly unstable and in emotional chaos.
I hope you are free of this craziness soon.
I hope you are free of this craziness soon.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Something I had to learn saying: "It's none of my business". It's surprising how much stuff isn't my business. That, and to stop offering unsolicited advice. BTW, I don't think it's a conflict of interest for the realtor to sponsor a client.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Something I had to learn saying: "It's none of my business". It's surprising how much stuff isn't my business. That, and to stop offering unsolicited advice. BTW, I don't think it's a conflict of interest for the realtor to sponsor a client.
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