PlentyGood

I guess it doesn't matter why my sister drinks. If she still drinks and won't get help for the underlying cause, why does it matter? To me it does matter and I'm in a position where I have empathy and understanding but am powerless.

I know why she drinks -- she has told me. She drinks to numb the pain. She was raped repeatedly as a fourth grader by a neighbor. We had a dysfunctional alcoholic family and after he raped her the first time, this guy groomed her to think she was his boyfriend and they had intercourse a dozen or so times. A 35+ year-old man and a fourth grader! She kept it a secret for decades. It's all very obvious looking back -- the anxiety, the insomnia, the bed-wetting, the bulimia and eating disorders, promiscuity, the substance abuse, poor coping skills, etc. She most likely has PTSD.

So now I'm on year five or so, maybe more, it's hard to keep track, of the drama and turmoil of having an alcoholic sister. For her, her past is so painful to talk about, she won't speak to a therapist. She won't talk about it -- she skirts around it. She will go to AA and she has talked to a counselor in rehab about other things but when it comes to the sexual abuse, she won't say a word because it is difficult for her to utter a word and think about, although she thinks about it and other traumas daily. I think maybe now she is finally realizing that she will have to talk about it and seek help or die.

I have come a long way. I was a codependent mess and her drinking still makes me sad but it doesn't rule my life. I just think it's a tragedy and it's a true heartache to think about our past. I think if we didn't live in that neighborhood things would be different today and the trajectory of her life would have been much different. I try not to dwell on that too much. The past cannot be changed.

I am 44. My sister is 42. In my thirties I started to individual therapy. I have had lots of individual therapy and have attended AcoA meetings and codependent support groups. I desperately needed/wanted to help myself. I hated living with shame and being miserable. I wanted help and I got it. I don't know why my sister won't do the same. I never experienced what she has and I guess I don't need to know why. It is what it is. Therapy and aging helped me a lot.

When you have an alcoholic sibling with a traumatic past your heart aches for them. You're not mad. You're not judgmental. You see the beauty in them, the wounded human being that they are. You are sad that they can't be free. Sad that they won't seek help. Sad that they won't be able to enjoy life and be light.

Thank you for letting me share.

LexieCat

Just sending a hug. You're a good sister. I hope your sister eventually chooses to reclaim her life. Alcoholism is always complicated, but the trauma has to make it that much more so. I think both things have to be addressed for there to be any hope of successful recovery.

SmallButMighty

Hugs. I am sorry for the pain in your family.

I also have a wounded sibling who has addiction (as well as mental health) issues. It is indeed sad and painful. We are also in our 40s. I don't think we will ever be friends and that's really unfortunate, for both of us.

hopeful4

How awful. You are obviously a compassionate and caring sister, it's a blessing she has you in her life.

The only way to truly get through that pain is to address it, and hopefully one day she will do that with a good counselor who could help her.

Hugs to you.

Susiequeue

I am so sorry about your sister's situation. I offer you the support and love only someone who has been through this can offer. My beloved sister suffered similiar abuse and could not come to terms.....can anyone really?

My beautiful sister suffered, unfortunately, there was not a good outcome. She died 6 months ago, at 62, a downward spiral over the last decade of her life.

I am here tonight to reach out to those who supported me in my loss, and to say......alcoholism sucks.

PlentyGood

Thank you for the replies and support.

Susiequeue I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful sister.

PuzzledHeart

You sound like you're in a much better place than I am, because I struggle with judgment. My sister was sexually abused by my cousin, and it's frustrating to see that her life has essentially become a testament to him. He was a pot smoker. She smoked pot and her significant relationships incorporated substances in some way shape or form.

I sometimes wonder if she chooses partners with drug issues so she doesn't have to be accountable for her anger issues. All they have to do is light up and everything is OK. It's sad and unnerving.

Both my sister and I endured physical abuse too, but we developed completely different coping mechanisms to deal with it. She ended up befriending our abuser, while I exposed it in my early twenties. My sister told others that I was exaggerating and it really wasn't that bad (Of course, for her, it wasn't that bad because she was enduring the sexual abuse as well.). I ended up the one who confronted others left, right and center, and didn't hesitate to separate from people I found toxic, while she tried to cover things up and get along with everybody while drinking and getting high.

I'm here trying to figure out if I can be my sister's keeper without losing myself in the process. How to be on standby if she wants to get actual help, while accepting the notion that she may never get to that stage. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that she is emotionally arrested at eleven years old due to the abuse, while at the same time recognizing that a traumatic childhood doesn't give you an all-life pass to become a miserable human being.

So as you can see, I can't offer any advice at all. I can only offer my sympathies as one who also has a sister who is suffering tremendous pain.

PlentyGood

PuzzledHeart, thank you for sharing. I also had traumatic abuse in my childhood but not sexual abuse as my sister did.

It is truly puzzling because while I had abuse, shame, terrible self-esteem and doubt -- I sought help. I was a big-time seeker starting in my teenage years and was always trying to help myself. When I was a teenager it was self-help and trying to "improve" myself. Later it was therapy, mediation and yoga. I transitioned from anger and shame to peace and acceptance. I now love myself and am okay with the way I am. Like you, I was vocal. I shared my story with close friends and talked about my past. My sister is the opposite and doesn't really talk about it, until recently in small bits.

My sister is emotionally arrested at a young age as well. I think that is one of the hallmarks of sexual abuse -- very poor coping skills and immaturity. Substance abuse very common with sexual abuse victims. I can't begin to know what is going on in her brain. She most likely has severe anxiety disorder (PTSD) that she refuses to seek counseling for, so this destructive behavior will continue. It doesn't seem to go away on its own. Her brain is altered and she is a mess emotionally and physically. The body and the brain remembers and holds onto the trauma.

Everybody is trying to feel better. Whether they try to feel better with drugs and alcohol or therapy or journaling or reading or exercise or meditation, we're all trying to feel better the best way we know how. It's unfortunate that my sister drinks massive amounts of alcohol to erase her thoughts and "feel better". Maybe she'll figure out it's not a long term solution.

I struggle with some guilt and a lot of sadness. My beautiful sister is suffering and it feels strange enjoying the trivial things of life -- shopping for clothes, socializing, caring about how I look -- when my sister is killing herself with alcohol. I also struggle with the unfairness of it all but know that life is not fair and there is nothing I can do to change the past but you can't help to wonder how it could have been. What a tragedy that this happened and she can't find a way out.

PlentyGood

I sometimes wonder if she chooses partners with drug issues so she doesn't have to be accountable for her anger issues. All they have to do is light up and everything is OK. It's sad and unnerving

My sister hangs out with other addicts so she can feel comfortable with drinking. She doesn't want to feel anything and she doesn't want to be accountable or answer to anyone. What healthy and sober person is going to want to hang out with another addict for long?

I hope you sister gets help for her anger. I had a lot of anger and it all came from shame. I am forever grateful that I am not longer angry because it will destroy every aspect of your life.

Sasha1972

I can't add anything, but I am very sorry for both your sisters and I hope they find some peace and some way to live with hope.

PlentyGood

Thank you Sasha.

This morning my sister called me and asked me to take her to detox. I went to her house. After an hour of drama of her being unsteady on her feet, or find her ID, I finally left after suggesting she call 911 to get help because she cannot ambulate. I went to my car and she followed. She fell in the driveway and broke or sprained her ankle. I helped her back inside. I suggested that she call 911 to get some help and I left. Once I was home she called twice to complain about her ankle. I repeated that she should call an ambulance. I now think she is going to call. Maybe.

My first post on this forum was on Mother's Day 2014. I am now posting Father's Day 2017. Same stuff, different day. It is very difficult to cut ties. I don't think I can do it. I have somewhere to be today (my parents' for lunch) and I left her on her living room floor with an injured ankle. It might seem heartless but what am I to do in this situation? I can't help her.

Thanks for letting me share once again.

PuzzledHeart

You didn't leave her home unconscious suffering from a heart attack. You left her home with a sprained ankle.

My sister recently made an extravagant purchase which was the equivalent of buying a sports car. Meanwhile, her children live with my parents because she can't get a big enough place. She had a windfall of money last year and she's burning through it like there's no tomorrow. I could say something, but she would immediately get so defensive and angry it just wouldn't be worth it.

I talked to my therapist about this, and he talked about the longing to be rescued amongst those who suffered sexual abuse. Nobody rescued them while the abuse was happening, and so many put themselves into situations where they have to be rescued again and again and again to counteract what happened so many years before. But this is not sustainable one bit.

It makes me wonder - are the "strong ones" guilty of the same thing? We rescue and rescue and rescue to erase the survivor's guilt that results from the fact that we weren't the victims. I know that I feel guilt over the fact that as I got older I sought out as many opportunities as I could to get out of the house because it was such a miserable place to be, which gave my cousin multiple time windows to assault my sister.

This just sucks.

Maudcat

Hi, PlentyGood. Glad you are here.
I have an alcohol addicted sib and, honestly, I just wish I could cut ties with him.
He lives with my mother, whom I help on a daily basis. Difficult to avoid him as they are pretty enmeshed.
He was stumbling around the kitchen today, maybe drunk, maybe hungover.
Can't even tell anymore.
He is a wreck.
I have so many e motions when I have to deal with him: mad, sad, bad, powerless, resentful.
Agree with PuzzledHeart.
It just sucks.

Maudcat

Puzzled, that is an intense enlightenment! We can't change the past, but I think that as we move through life we can look at past situations with different eyes, a vision that hopefully reflects our understanding in the present.
Dunno if that makes sense.
Recently I was thinking about a situation I had many years ago, one in which I felt the victim.
I was the victim in that I was treated badly, but...I had a part to play in the whole thing that up to now I wasn't seeing.
In the end, I believe that things go the way they are meant to, good or bad.
I am sorrier than I can say that you and your sister experienced such awful trauma.

Maudcat

Not that I am implying by my story that you somehow encouraged the abuse.
I hope it didn't come across that way.
Goodness, no.

PlentyGood

I talked to my therapist about this, and he talked about the longing to be rescued amongst those who suffered sexual abuse. Nobody rescued them while the abuse was happening, and so many put themselves into situations where they have to be rescued again and again and again to counteract what happened so many years before.

Thank you for reminding us of this fact PuzzledHeart. My sister is always looking for rescue when she is in withdrawals. I understand that it is painful but she paints it as the worst thing in the world. I wonder why she repeatedly goes to the top of the building without a safety net. she wants us to "understand" the pain she is in. I tell her I understand but month after month, withdrawal after withdrawal she has to tell us how painful it is and how "this is going to be a bad one". My sister is always looking for someone to love her. She is surrounded by love --from me, my husband, her 12-year-old son, our parents. She has had ex-boyfriends who have loved her. Besides alcoholism my sister has other addictions -- she has bulimia, gambles online, has had food addiction with weight-loss surgery, probably sex addiction. When she tells me that she has severe anxiety and complains of her thoughts and self-loathing I tell her I understand and that she most likely has PTSD and or Rape Trauma Syndrome and that she needs help. She refuses to talk about it to anybody. She says she can't talk to a counselor and the only thing she will say is "Ive been sexually abused". I say that's okay that that's a start. The likelihood of her going is slim. She can't keep an appointment.

My sister has a high-paying in-demand profession. I'm a registered nurse. I make mediocre to okay salary -- she makes double my salary and spends her money recklessly. He house is about to go into foreclosure. She gambles at times, shops, and buys so much alcohol. She has been fired by two previous employers for drinking. Recently, she has had a month or so of sobriety and decided that she would go and get another job in her field. Sure enough she was hired and after one week at her new job she proceeds to drink and she has missed this week at work. She probably no longer has a job. Before she applied for this job I gently suggested that she get a low-key job -- a job in retail or food service where she wouldn't burn another professional bridge.

The paramedics went to my sister's house and they called me and asked if I could transport her to the emergency room since it wasn't a medical emergency. She has many ambulance bills that are unpaid -- perhaps that is a factor. The paramedics have been to her house numerous times. They put a temporary splint on her ankle and wheeled her out to my car in an office chair. The drama that was taking place was semi-ridiculous. She was loudly crying and whining that she couldn't stand on her injured foot. I said that we were aware and that the paramedics were going to transfer her to car and that she was going to pivot on her good foot.

I drove her to ER and transferred her to a wheelchair with more drama. I told her to calm down and grow up. Went we got in to the ER I put her in line, said goodbye and left. It sounds heartless but I'm tired of wasting my days off sitting with my sister and her drunk drama.

She took an UBER home -- I wouldn't be surprised if she stopped for more booze on the way home. She called me and said she was diagnosed with two fractures in the foot -- one at the top of the foot and another at the ankle. She got a Tramadol injection and a prescription for Tramadol. She was upset and said that the doctors and nurses were mean to her. I think she is upset because she didn't get Librium. They sent her home with crutches and an immobilizer. She is supposed to follow up with doctor but I don't see that happening.

So now she is home alone, drunk with a broken ankle. I am very sorry she is in the situation and very sorry she is destroying her health and life. Last night she said she was begging to die. She is suicidal and I have called paramedics before when she claimed she took an entire bottle of pills, but in the end she lied and took nothing.

She just called me and said that she has to get through "this part", which is the withdrawals.

It's hopeless.

Maudcat

I must tell you, Plenty, that going to Al-Anon meetings regularly helped me a LOT.
I had a great home group with lots of experience, strength and hope.
Course, at the time I lived 350 miles away from my sib.
That helped a lot too.
Now I see him almost every day, or have to deal with deal with things he has screwed up at mom's house.
Sometimes I go there and the heat is either ramped up into the 80's or down so. Low it won't kick on.
He denies it, but I know he messes with it at night when he is drunk.
Once I went by and one of the upstairs windows was completely out of its frame. He couldn't tell me how that happened.
Ironically, I don't get to Al-Anon now as often as I did when I lived in another state.
I go, but the meetings are small and somehow unsatisfying.
I do read my daily affirmations books and other, related literature, which helps.
I think I know how you feel with your sister.
You see the years stretching out with no end to the bizarre behavior in sight, with things just getting worse and worse.
I know that feeling well.
Peace and good thoughts. Hang in there.

Maudcat

This site is a great source of support as well. I am glad I found it.

LexieCat

Ugh, what a mess. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Sorry for her, too, but she has to make a move to get better for that to happen.

PlentyGood

Thanks everyone for letting me share. Sorry for all of my typos and grammatical errors! That you for this site. It helps to share and read.