Update from 'Nam
 

Hi All

I have been lurking in the background for a while - commenting where I can...thanking lots...but sharing nothing.

So a little update on my last day here in Vietnam.

Since AH suddenly left at the end of October '16 life has had some levels and lows (no real highs - yet)

I have gone through many stages of grief and altho I picked up threads of my life fairly quickly, I was so empty inside. I was also under huge amounts of stress because of his debts/threats to family home/family pets back in Turkey. Trying to deal across countries/languages/time zones with lawyers has proved impossible...
and then I remembered that I only cam here as part of his geographical cure - which failed as all the other 'cures'
so I move back to Turkey tomorrow!

I cancelled me new contract at school here in SaiGon and got myself a job in Ankara so my 16yrold can finish her schooling still in an IB school. She is delighted...I am nervous
He is also back in Turkey having lost his jobs here because of drinking/anger issues...and is not too far away from our home there - altho he seems to have stayed away from it..and his 'beloved' pets :(
Tells everyone he is divorced...new people think he has no kids...so many many lies - I do try not to listen but sometimes I fail....
I don't know if it's worth trying to get him to pay some of these debts or just to pay them myself and be free of him.

I can easily hate him...he tricked me for so long with his recovery programmes....I know I have always deserved so much better than him and my daughters most certainly did....and yet I can still feel heartbroken. How to stay strong? sometimes these snippets of info really help strengthen my resolve - but I know they could burn me too.

Looking forwards to my new job in Ankara (far enough away from my house to not ever bump into AH)

Question is...do I meet with him face to face...or let the lawyer do the talking re divorce issues?
I feel like he is such a coward ending a 10 yer marriage by running away and sending a text - part of me wants to make him squirm...but maybe he has truly moved on and has absolutely no remorse or humanity left in him. He can drink openly now - always his first love followed by easy gained money to play the generous host to yet another new set of 'friends' and women.

I have started to really question my motives in all this mess and have had some startling insights...maybe more of those lter.
Thanks for being there
:thanks:tyou:thanks:tyou

Hi merhaba, good to hear from you again.

You said you went through many stages of grief, I understand that, that's why I would tell you to let your lawyers handle everything. You really don't want or need to see him again, it will just set you back.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Hi Merhaba, it would be helpful for you to question your motives for seeing him face-to-face. I know you have a picture in your mind of how it would go, but reality rarely follows our fantasies.
Instead, play the long game. You want to cut off his flow of money and take back what's yours. You seem to have a realistic idea of his motivations. Your actions will speak louder than words.

It really is hard meeting up face to face. You don't have to see him. Safer to allow the solicitor to deal with any necessary communication.
Take care and good luck with the move

Hi, Merhana.
Good luck with the move. You will feel so much better when you are on home turf.
No advice re seeing your ex again. It's probably inevitable. Just stay strong.
I agree with other posters that retaining an attorney to untangle you is a must-do.
Perhaps you can work with the creditors to settle on a portion of the debt.
That way you are not on the hook for all of it.
Best of luck.

I'd let the lawyers deal with him. I see only more aggravation and pain if you interact with him directly. Telling him off won't give you any lasting satisfaction because he won't react the way you'd like for him to.

Great news on the new job--just keep moving your feet forward.

Merhaba, not Merhana. Sorry.

Sending you a hug.

Let your lawyer communicate with him and establish healthy boundaries for yourself and daughter.

IT you choose to meet face to face, have your lawyers with you. Do not meet without an advocate/witness with you.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have been offline a few days travelling from Vietnam back to Turkey...
In the meantime I decided not to speak with him face to face, even with witnesses.
I was questioning my motives...I wanted him to have to face me because I thought it would be difficult for him but something he could not just run away from plus I felt I was behaving like him by hiding behind a lawyer...guess thats the kind of closure I was looking for and now I understand how that is not possible with an alcoholic. Many of you had spoken of this - but I didnt really understand what no closure meaant - until now :)
only sporadic internet now...will be online again soon
my house is a mess. he seems to have wrecked or stolen or broken so much and everywhere is so diry...and I have no water!
first things first
thank you for being there

You sound good. Using a lawyer isn't "hiding"--lawyers are experts and a useful buffer to have in situations where it is not to your benefit to engage directly with the other party.

Hope you are able to get the mess at the house cleaned up soon. If you can afford it, bring in some experts to help with that, too.