The "Controlling" Question
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The "Controlling" Question
My AH has told me, quite recently, that I was controlling. So, tonight I figured I'd ask him if he still thought I was controlling - I wanted to know where my "controlling" issues were so I could focus on fixing them.
He laughed and said, "All woman are controlling." and then proceeds to tell me a story about an old couple he saw today at McDonalds.
When he was finished, I said, "you didn't answer my question." He said, "No, I just think you try to get things done." So, I asked him why he said I was a few months ago, something made him said it.
I got frustrated and just dropped the subject. Why does one little question have to be such an ordeal. Why can't he just answer the question????? It's like he beats around the bush just to avoid having to answer me. :sigh:
Once again, I ask you, is it me??? or is he playing mind games with me again by making me doubt myself and my strength????
He laughed and said, "All woman are controlling." and then proceeds to tell me a story about an old couple he saw today at McDonalds.
When he was finished, I said, "you didn't answer my question." He said, "No, I just think you try to get things done." So, I asked him why he said I was a few months ago, something made him said it.
I got frustrated and just dropped the subject. Why does one little question have to be such an ordeal. Why can't he just answer the question????? It's like he beats around the bush just to avoid having to answer me. :sigh:
Once again, I ask you, is it me??? or is he playing mind games with me again by making me doubt myself and my strength????
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((Jessica))))))
What did he tell you about the old couple? Was there an aspect of you and him in his obsevation about them? Was he answering your question in a parable about the old couple?
Are you possibly playing mind games with yourself? Is not answering your question a way he has of getting your goat?
What did he tell you about the old couple? Was there an aspect of you and him in his obsevation about them? Was he answering your question in a parable about the old couple?
Are you possibly playing mind games with yourself? Is not answering your question a way he has of getting your goat?
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Well- about the old couple. He said all females are controlling (laughing when he said it) He said when he was at McDonalds the old lady told the old man, "Get the tray". then when they sat down, she looked at him (her husband). He was sitting there just looking around and she said, "Take your hat off." (that reminds me of my grandparents, but I don't know if this is an aspect of me and him.)
I always ask him to help me with stuff... will you get me a pop, will you please tell Nathaniel to quit bugging Amanda (our kids), will make super, will you, will you, will you. I seldom just tell him to do something. I would have asked him to get the tray, not tell him.
Can you explain how I could be playing mind games with myself??
I don't know if he's intentionally trying get my goat, but it does.
I always ask him to help me with stuff... will you get me a pop, will you please tell Nathaniel to quit bugging Amanda (our kids), will make super, will you, will you, will you. I seldom just tell him to do something. I would have asked him to get the tray, not tell him.
Can you explain how I could be playing mind games with myself??
I don't know if he's intentionally trying get my goat, but it does.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Perhaps you are playing games with yourself by not taking things at face value and trying to read something into your situation that is either not happening or that you could just let go of....
We don't have to always be reaching deep into one anothers souls we can just go about our lives without always searching for answers to every little thing.
I am co-dependent and I know I can be controling..... I want things to go the way I think they should all the time. But, the only way that will happen is if I live alone and never see or talk or relate to anyone......All relationships are about give and take al of them....
We don't have to always be reaching deep into one anothers souls we can just go about our lives without always searching for answers to every little thing.
I am co-dependent and I know I can be controling..... I want things to go the way I think they should all the time. But, the only way that will happen is if I live alone and never see or talk or relate to anyone......All relationships are about give and take al of them....
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: oz
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my 2c worth
i have to agree with splendra. My A, recently moved out so sort-of ex, is a major controller. so was I. but I'm more of a minor controller now. and I've left off trying to control him.
it's the old story: ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
This is a disease of deception. It lies to those who have it that, in fact, they're fine. If you're always juggling fantasies and deceptions, it becomes unsafe to answer a question that might be used in evidence later.
I've learned to not ask. After all, if he called me a 'door' would that make me a door? I take what I like and leave the rest, especially with him. Sometimes it's just a quick check for me to see that it's about him, not me. other times I can be grateful for the way my HP gets information about myself to me. Even if I'd like to shoot the messenger. <smile>
I believe that when the A tells me I'm controlling, he is struggling with his own conscience and my boundaries. I don't set them for him, I set them for me. If I let him trash them, I'm not 'controlling'. But if I stick to them suddenly I'm a big controller again who is impossible to live with ,,,, blah blah blah .... quack quack quack.
Still love the man behind the disease. Happy he's sober in AA, sad that another, darker, addiction is taking him away from the possibility of ever renewing our relationship.
I'm watching the 'duck' as I learn to have boundaries around this manifestation of his disease. it's waddling around and quacking for all its worth. poor thing. breaks my heart but god has mended it before. I know it will mend again. Maybe this is goodbye. just for today, I'll listen for truth and ignore quacks.
A few hours ago, I asked him an important question. Important to me, that is. After a quick pause, he started quacking. I trust my own feelings and observations. He is not being honest, even if he longs to be. The 'quack' was all the truth I needed to know that I am not safe with him unless I remember that the disease is back in a new guise with the same old actions and choose my responses accordingly.
love and peace
i have to agree with splendra. My A, recently moved out so sort-of ex, is a major controller. so was I. but I'm more of a minor controller now. and I've left off trying to control him.
it's the old story: ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
This is a disease of deception. It lies to those who have it that, in fact, they're fine. If you're always juggling fantasies and deceptions, it becomes unsafe to answer a question that might be used in evidence later.
I've learned to not ask. After all, if he called me a 'door' would that make me a door? I take what I like and leave the rest, especially with him. Sometimes it's just a quick check for me to see that it's about him, not me. other times I can be grateful for the way my HP gets information about myself to me. Even if I'd like to shoot the messenger. <smile>
I believe that when the A tells me I'm controlling, he is struggling with his own conscience and my boundaries. I don't set them for him, I set them for me. If I let him trash them, I'm not 'controlling'. But if I stick to them suddenly I'm a big controller again who is impossible to live with ,,,, blah blah blah .... quack quack quack.
Still love the man behind the disease. Happy he's sober in AA, sad that another, darker, addiction is taking him away from the possibility of ever renewing our relationship.
I'm watching the 'duck' as I learn to have boundaries around this manifestation of his disease. it's waddling around and quacking for all its worth. poor thing. breaks my heart but god has mended it before. I know it will mend again. Maybe this is goodbye. just for today, I'll listen for truth and ignore quacks.
A few hours ago, I asked him an important question. Important to me, that is. After a quick pause, he started quacking. I trust my own feelings and observations. He is not being honest, even if he longs to be. The 'quack' was all the truth I needed to know that I am not safe with him unless I remember that the disease is back in a new guise with the same old actions and choose my responses accordingly.
love and peace
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Jessica,
One day, you'll realize that what they say and do is to be taken with a grain of salt. Most of it is hot air. Lots of times, they say stuff just to get a rise out of you. **** you off. Another excuse to drink. When you put him on the spot, you threw him a curve and he didn't know how to answer your question.
Best to just not ask the questions because you'll probably not get a straight answer.
Just know that the actions/words of the A are irrational, self-serving and usually causes a lot of pain because they can twist it to suit them and make us look and feel stupid. It's the disease. Not us. Not you. Not him.
Be kinder to yourself and try to stop analyzing your thoughts and words. It'll drive you buggy. I went through the same thing for about 6 months; looking for hidden meanings in everything my A and people said to me. I would lie awake at night looking for the cryptic message I absolutely positvely knew was there. Of course, I found an answer and it was always distorted and hurtful to myself. I was horribly critical of myself.
Eventually, with the help of my therapist, I learned to accept what people say, at face value and if it hurt, to turn away and ignore them and if it was a compliment, which I always had a hard time accepting, I would graciously say "thank you."
You already know life with an A is mind boggling. Work your program, go to meetings, learn detachment and have faith in yourself.
Take Care, Kathy
One day, you'll realize that what they say and do is to be taken with a grain of salt. Most of it is hot air. Lots of times, they say stuff just to get a rise out of you. **** you off. Another excuse to drink. When you put him on the spot, you threw him a curve and he didn't know how to answer your question.
Best to just not ask the questions because you'll probably not get a straight answer.
Just know that the actions/words of the A are irrational, self-serving and usually causes a lot of pain because they can twist it to suit them and make us look and feel stupid. It's the disease. Not us. Not you. Not him.
Be kinder to yourself and try to stop analyzing your thoughts and words. It'll drive you buggy. I went through the same thing for about 6 months; looking for hidden meanings in everything my A and people said to me. I would lie awake at night looking for the cryptic message I absolutely positvely knew was there. Of course, I found an answer and it was always distorted and hurtful to myself. I was horribly critical of myself.
Eventually, with the help of my therapist, I learned to accept what people say, at face value and if it hurt, to turn away and ignore them and if it was a compliment, which I always had a hard time accepting, I would graciously say "thank you."
You already know life with an A is mind boggling. Work your program, go to meetings, learn detachment and have faith in yourself.
Take Care, Kathy
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
I wish I had read all the advice before I acted crazy tonight. He went to the bar and blah blah. I went to the bar to get the bank card because I was going to get groceries. We only have one check left in the checkbook and needed gas. He had already bought several pitchers of beer. I wanted the card and he was getting it out of his pocket and I said is that your paycheck and he said yeah, I took that too. Later I went to the store and looked at his check and the envelope was open and he tore the top part off. It was not in the envelope. The part that has all the deductions. I thought for sure he is up to something so called and wanted to know why it was not there. He said he always throws it away. I said it used to be on there. He said he throws it away. I still think there is a reason it is not there, but who knows. I could be just wasting my time and I called him a lier for nothing, but I am sure he lied about something today. He said something about it was up to me and I said up to me about what. Then he said aren't you going to the store? I said up to be about what? He just would not answer. He does a lot of that changing the subject. He will say something and the minute I show interest he will not finish what he said. If I ask a question about something or mention something that I had already talked about he will say that conversation is over and why are you still on the phone or some other comment like that. He acted like an idiot and thought I was going to go out to eat with the kids. I went to the store and bought two weeks of groceries and when I got home he was washing the dishes going on and on about I thought you were going out to eat. I said that conversation is over. 
He went to bed and it was another stupid night with stupid things said and nothing much accomplished. I think I know what he means by it is up to me. Everything is up to me. Where we live. How our day goes. Everything depends on if I get mad. He will do what he does and I can be happy or not. :amsmiling I am not yelling as much, but I still do this trying to figure out the hidden meaning of everything. If I would just look at him and think about it a sec, I would know that he does not have enough energy to have secret thoughts and plans.
He went to bed and it was another stupid night with stupid things said and nothing much accomplished. I think I know what he means by it is up to me. Everything is up to me. Where we live. How our day goes. Everything depends on if I get mad. He will do what he does and I can be happy or not. :amsmiling I am not yelling as much, but I still do this trying to figure out the hidden meaning of everything. If I would just look at him and think about it a sec, I would know that he does not have enough energy to have secret thoughts and plans.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
You are absolutely right, BrightLight. He will do what he does. And you don't have any control over that. You only have control over you. When you have a choice to be happy or not, choose to be happy! That doesn't mean you approve of what he does. It sounds like you are putting all your focus on him and what he does. If you change your focus to you and your kids, you take away his control over you.
Are you able to attend Al-Anon meetings? You will learn some tools for dealing with focusing on yourself. You can do it!
SJW
Are you able to attend Al-Anon meetings? You will learn some tools for dealing with focusing on yourself. You can do it!
SJW
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
The only person that I can control is me. I can't make anyone do anything that they truly don't want to do. I can tell them that I don't like something, but it's up to them how they want to react to that.
I was told in Al-Anon that I can tell a person how I feel, but if I say it over and over, that's nagging. Nagging doesn't do any good. If I say how I feel and the person doesn't respond by changing, then they really don't want to change. There is nothing I can do to control that decision. So why keep trying. It's a waste of energy.
What I can do is look at myself and decide how I am going to react to this person. This gives me choices. I can accept them for who they are and allow them to do what they need to do. I can decide to react differently when those things come up. I can decide that their behavior is too detrimental and leave.
None of those choices is easy, but they are my options. By seeking help here and in Al-Anon, I can make better choices for myself, and learn how to deal with things better. Thinking that I can control someone else is an illusion. Accepting that I can only control me puts me in a better position to make my life better, no matter what someone else chooses to do. Hugs, Magic
I was told in Al-Anon that I can tell a person how I feel, but if I say it over and over, that's nagging. Nagging doesn't do any good. If I say how I feel and the person doesn't respond by changing, then they really don't want to change. There is nothing I can do to control that decision. So why keep trying. It's a waste of energy.
What I can do is look at myself and decide how I am going to react to this person. This gives me choices. I can accept them for who they are and allow them to do what they need to do. I can decide to react differently when those things come up. I can decide that their behavior is too detrimental and leave.
None of those choices is easy, but they are my options. By seeking help here and in Al-Anon, I can make better choices for myself, and learn how to deal with things better. Thinking that I can control someone else is an illusion. Accepting that I can only control me puts me in a better position to make my life better, no matter what someone else chooses to do. Hugs, Magic
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That's good advise, why live in the past - right?? (Easier said than done) I just feel this need to keep improving what I do wrong and I guess I am still focusing too much on him. Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is right.
I ALWAYS look for hidden meanings. My mom even told me I don’t have analyze everything.
I guess the question I have now is, HOW?? I mean, I thought I was progressing, but it sounds like I still focus on him too much. Why does it matter so much what he thinks of me??
I ALWAYS look for hidden meanings. My mom even told me I don’t have analyze everything.
I guess the question I have now is, HOW?? I mean, I thought I was progressing, but it sounds like I still focus on him too much. Why does it matter so much what he thinks of me??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I know just what you mean, Jessica. I was the queen of control.
The first thing I did was decide that everything that went through my head didn't have to come out of my mouth. I decided to stop and think before I spoke. I gave myself some time - whether it was a couple of minutes or a couple of days - to think about what I was doing and decide if it was good for my recovery or not.
After I contained myself a few times, I realized how fantastic it felt. It felt great not to be charge of everything and everyone. It was a huge relief to see that the world could go on and everybody would survive without my input.
Because it felt so good, it became easier to do it every day - with my boss, my co-workers, my kids, my friends and mostly with my A.
L
The first thing I did was decide that everything that went through my head didn't have to come out of my mouth. I decided to stop and think before I spoke. I gave myself some time - whether it was a couple of minutes or a couple of days - to think about what I was doing and decide if it was good for my recovery or not.
After I contained myself a few times, I realized how fantastic it felt. It felt great not to be charge of everything and everyone. It was a huge relief to see that the world could go on and everybody would survive without my input.
Because it felt so good, it became easier to do it every day - with my boss, my co-workers, my kids, my friends and mostly with my A.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Jessica,
My ex used to purposely not give me a straight answer about ANYTHING and that was a form of CONTROL on his part. He used to LOVE to tell me that I was always trying to control him and that all women were the same.
It's all ******** Baffles Brains and it's to drive YOU crazy.
The best thing you can do for yourself is IGNORE him and carry on with what's in front of you and the day to day stuff.
The best thing I ever did was start ignoring the ex and his crap and I felt so much better and balanced. Then funnily enough I stopped caring what he was doing and the controlling behaviour on my part lessened considerably.
Ngaire
My ex used to purposely not give me a straight answer about ANYTHING and that was a form of CONTROL on his part. He used to LOVE to tell me that I was always trying to control him and that all women were the same.
It's all ******** Baffles Brains and it's to drive YOU crazy.
The best thing you can do for yourself is IGNORE him and carry on with what's in front of you and the day to day stuff.
The best thing I ever did was start ignoring the ex and his crap and I felt so much better and balanced. Then funnily enough I stopped caring what he was doing and the controlling behaviour on my part lessened considerably.
Ngaire
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Insecurity, self-doubt and low esteem are reasons why we put too much focus on the A then ourselves. They've become our focus, our center and our lives. We consider ourselves their only hope in recovering. We want to be the savior and save the world. And lots and lots more.
We can't seem to live without putting them first in everything. Even when we know we're going to get kicked in the arse. I call it brainwashing. That's what the disease does to us. When they're drinking/using, they're devious, cunning, liars, manipulators and you can add more if you like... But when they're sober, or if you've been so lucky to have an A that is practicing his program and doing meetings, ever notice that none of these horrible traits show themselves. Read some of the other posts. Most of them say their husband's are kind, wonderful, gentle, loving people. I feel as if the alcohol is the demon who grabs the heart and soul of the A and turns them into monsters.
At this point of the life of the alcoholic, wondering and worrying what he thinks about us isn't important at all. Because his feelings are controlled by the booze. And what he thinks is going to hurt us. And I think one of the reasons we continually worry about what they think is because we want reassurance that they love us. We've been abused so much, we feel unloved and need to hear the words.
Start taking the time to think about yourself only. When he pops into your mind, or when you wonder what he's doing, or what he's said, stop yourself immediately and turn the attention to yourself and what you want out of life. Think of things that make you happy. Your kids, job, hobby,
chocolate chips cookies 
, baking for the holidays, anything but him.
It will turn around, but you've got to continually work on it. Doing it once or twice and getting fair results isn't good enough. With time, it will happen automatically. Also, try to find readings on detachment.
Grace and Love, Kathy
We can't seem to live without putting them first in everything. Even when we know we're going to get kicked in the arse. I call it brainwashing. That's what the disease does to us. When they're drinking/using, they're devious, cunning, liars, manipulators and you can add more if you like... But when they're sober, or if you've been so lucky to have an A that is practicing his program and doing meetings, ever notice that none of these horrible traits show themselves. Read some of the other posts. Most of them say their husband's are kind, wonderful, gentle, loving people. I feel as if the alcohol is the demon who grabs the heart and soul of the A and turns them into monsters.
At this point of the life of the alcoholic, wondering and worrying what he thinks about us isn't important at all. Because his feelings are controlled by the booze. And what he thinks is going to hurt us. And I think one of the reasons we continually worry about what they think is because we want reassurance that they love us. We've been abused so much, we feel unloved and need to hear the words.
Start taking the time to think about yourself only. When he pops into your mind, or when you wonder what he's doing, or what he's said, stop yourself immediately and turn the attention to yourself and what you want out of life. Think of things that make you happy. Your kids, job, hobby,
chocolate chips cookies , baking for the holidays, anything but him. It will turn around, but you've got to continually work on it. Doing it once or twice and getting fair results isn't good enough. With time, it will happen automatically. Also, try to find readings on detachment.
Grace and Love, Kathy
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Kathy - your post brought tears to my eyes. I connected with everything you wrote. Thank you. I'll keep this whole thread in my folder to go back and read when I start questioning things again.
I honestly do believe it is brainwashing. And Darnit, he did it to me again!!! - let me rephrase that, I let it happen again.
I honestly do believe it is brainwashing. And Darnit, he did it to me again!!! - let me rephrase that, I let it happen again.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Always remember, we're always here for you. Lots of shoulders are available to lean on and lots of arms to hug you at your lowest times.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jessi ca))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jessi ca))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi everyone! This is a great post! Controlling behaviors for a codie are sneaky! It's the one thing that I can spot in someone else in an instant - but, for the life of me struggle when I am doing it...sometimes I don't even realize it, until I get burned, then I look into myself and see it. I have been working really hard on this and letting go. I agree with everyone - you can't believe anything they say. I, too, used to continually look to my AH for reassurance, love, and stability...any thing he said made me second guess myself. It's a horrible way to leave, and (at least for me) it's completely contradictory to the way I view myself - which really makes me crazy! Now that I think about it...the thing that used to just make me CRAZY with my AH is that he would waffle so much - one day I would be the best wife, mother, friend..love of his life - then the next day it would be that he's been miserable, I'm a terrible mother, blah, blah... I just used to analyze, try to figure out why he 'changed his mind'... it was just nonsense! I remember when I read that book "Codependent No More" and I read something about not reacting to "nonsense"...it was like a huge relief... I wasn't crazy! So, now I work really hard at just letting go - not worrying about what he 'thinks' of me...I do what I know is right, for me...if he disagrees - that's okay. It sounds easy, but it's not and I work at it everyday... It took me weeks to even realize that I really was afraid of his reaction or opinion of me... that just didn't fit in with my idea of myself...but, it was true!
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I agree cwohio - you all have made a lot of good points. Now I have to think about them and sort 'em out to get all of your thoughts and suggestions to work for me.
Thank you ALL!!!
Jessica
Thank you ALL!!!
Jessica
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