The "Controlling" Question
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Just remember Jessica, there is no such thing as "controlling". Control is an illusion. We may be nagging, manipulative, persuasive, condecending, or demanding, but no one can control anyone else. Everyone has a choice. The other things that I mentioned are things that can be worked on. "Controlling" isn't something that I can work on.
If you want to try finding out if your A is describing one of these things, nagging, manipulative, persuasive, condecending, or demanding, give him a multiple choice. If he is really trying to communicate, and not just trying to make you feel responsible for him, he might be able to tell you what he sees.
This is just a suggestion. It might not work in all cases. But you seem to be trying to communicate. Most people have a hard time communicating about feelings and behaviors, because they don't really know themself. A's fall into that category unless they have worked for a long time in recovery. We fall in that category too. As I learn about me, I have become a better communicater. It doesn't work with everyone, but it has helped me in certain cases.
We don't have to take responsibility for others, but we can see our part in things and work on it. That is how I get better in relationships. Hugs, Magic
If you want to try finding out if your A is describing one of these things, nagging, manipulative, persuasive, condecending, or demanding, give him a multiple choice. If he is really trying to communicate, and not just trying to make you feel responsible for him, he might be able to tell you what he sees.
This is just a suggestion. It might not work in all cases. But you seem to be trying to communicate. Most people have a hard time communicating about feelings and behaviors, because they don't really know themself. A's fall into that category unless they have worked for a long time in recovery. We fall in that category too. As I learn about me, I have become a better communicater. It doesn't work with everyone, but it has helped me in certain cases.
We don't have to take responsibility for others, but we can see our part in things and work on it. That is how I get better in relationships. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Magic - that was a good suggestion. To give him multiple choice. I have always tried to communicate. I was always the one trying my hardest to please him and I wanted to know where I could improve. Him, on the other hand, he just lives for himself it seems. I'm starting to realize how self centered he is. Why should I treat him with respect and consideration and he can't do that for me?? Ya know?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I think that treating somebody with respect and consideration isn't something we do for them, it's something we do for ourselves.
I feel good about myself when I am considerate of others - even if they aren't considerate of me. Feeling good about myself is what I strive for.
There's a fine line between considerate and doormat though. Learning to walk that line is a life-long process for me.
L
I feel good about myself when I am considerate of others - even if they aren't considerate of me. Feeling good about myself is what I strive for.
There's a fine line between considerate and doormat though. Learning to walk that line is a life-long process for me.
L
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