Vent / update sorta...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Vent / update sorta...
SweetPotato’s post about feeling bitter sparked me to make my own thread.
Mainly I am needing to vent once again, as things tend to go really well and them wham bam we have a bad weekend.
I know that the last I really updated I was /am planning on ending the marriage. I still have that in my pocket. My therapist made me feel better at a recent appointment about my lack of action/waiting it out. She mentioned that now AH is not actively drinking and working on himself to enjoy the calm, I needed a break and to let it just ride. So I have been, I have continued to work on myself and support AH in his recovery- still at an arm’s length as I cannot allow myself to just dive right in because “all is well”. I am working through my bitterness on how fast he decided to ditch the beer THIS TIME and how “easy” it was etc…
Things came to a head this weekend and this is how is played out:
Friday: AH surprised me with a date day while kids were in school. He took the day off work (!!!) and went to a museum neither of us had been to, had lunch, a great quality time day. Happy times.
Saturday: I was able to go grocery shopping solo, spent the rest of the day at home with kiddos, AH was there, a little agitated throughout the day but wasn’t really an issue and I kept focused on kids/self. I was invited last minute out to a show with free tickets with my sisters and pitched the idea to AH. That is when things took a turn. He was offended that I made plans last minute, after our great date yesterday- how could I? and just dropped that bomb on him, also the tickets were for “Thunder from Down under” (eye roll) lol. All for fun and I had been before. Totally last minute fun plans. He went into a fit saying he was going to go to the strip club tonight then, since I get to get away with it. Then I made the mistake of justifying myself…AH would not just say: I don’t like the idea of you going please don’t – he had to try and hurt me the same and prove a point. ..and he continued on also mentioning that he didn’t have friends to go out with to strip club, so it will never be “fair”… I just said to him: I don’t REALLY care about this show, it was really about sister time. We can still go out for dinner and I will just end my night there. He wanted to continue to prove his point and I had to repeat myself that I didn’t care about going! I changed plans! Let it go! …But I still feel like I sacrificed myself.
Sunday:
AH joined the kids and I on our usual daily walk (for the first time ever) and as we were walking the kids were excited and wound up at first. We are working on them interrupting and waiting turns to talk (usual family chaos I imagine haha) Well this turns into not fun real quick as AH starts talking to me about how we can never have quality time when we are out as a family because of the constant interruptions, and my argument was that we are out as a FAMILY and quality time between him and I is separate… He proceeds to tell me the picture in his head would be the kids walking up ahead of us behaving and us hand in hand talking with no interruptions. So this (usually) relaxing and nice evening walk has spun us into a huge discussion on him feeling left out and competing with the kids’ attention and I saying that I can’t accept him always making me feel pulled between him and our children! So I am crying at this point because I have been told that I don’t care and HE is making all these changes and is upset that I wont read “the 5 Love Languages” with him… I tell him that I have been working on myself for 3+ years. And he continues on that I don’t show him love and that he is so hurt that I don’t shout my love on social media and our date on Friday HE had to post about the date on Facebook and I didn’t so I must not care etc etc. I told him that it is not my “style” and never has been to be public on my facebook. I thanked him and showed my appreciation to him in person, not to the internet. He says he is making all these changes so why can’t I and just suck it up and go out of my comfort zone to show my love “his way” ….So I have a puffy face from crying all day into Monday even because I am made to feel so selfish and cold hearted.
Monday: all is “normal” again. Although he mentioned in bed right before sleeping that he is going to start going to gym again (it has been about a month) and I say great, yeah do that- then he says he is going to join MY gym now instead and I didn’t really reply except “mmhmm ok” but inside I am cringing and panicking because THAT IS MY PLACE. That is my “spa”, my turf lol. I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life. Because that has been happening. It’s like he is assimilating what he thinks I want from him. I just want him to keep his own identity not take over mine.
There is just so much to share/on my mind. THANK YOU if you read this far
I do have an appointment with my therapist this week but in the interim you guys always make me feel sane.
Mainly I am needing to vent once again, as things tend to go really well and them wham bam we have a bad weekend.
I know that the last I really updated I was /am planning on ending the marriage. I still have that in my pocket. My therapist made me feel better at a recent appointment about my lack of action/waiting it out. She mentioned that now AH is not actively drinking and working on himself to enjoy the calm, I needed a break and to let it just ride. So I have been, I have continued to work on myself and support AH in his recovery- still at an arm’s length as I cannot allow myself to just dive right in because “all is well”. I am working through my bitterness on how fast he decided to ditch the beer THIS TIME and how “easy” it was etc…
Things came to a head this weekend and this is how is played out:
Friday: AH surprised me with a date day while kids were in school. He took the day off work (!!!) and went to a museum neither of us had been to, had lunch, a great quality time day. Happy times.
Saturday: I was able to go grocery shopping solo, spent the rest of the day at home with kiddos, AH was there, a little agitated throughout the day but wasn’t really an issue and I kept focused on kids/self. I was invited last minute out to a show with free tickets with my sisters and pitched the idea to AH. That is when things took a turn. He was offended that I made plans last minute, after our great date yesterday- how could I? and just dropped that bomb on him, also the tickets were for “Thunder from Down under” (eye roll) lol. All for fun and I had been before. Totally last minute fun plans. He went into a fit saying he was going to go to the strip club tonight then, since I get to get away with it. Then I made the mistake of justifying myself…AH would not just say: I don’t like the idea of you going please don’t – he had to try and hurt me the same and prove a point. ..and he continued on also mentioning that he didn’t have friends to go out with to strip club, so it will never be “fair”… I just said to him: I don’t REALLY care about this show, it was really about sister time. We can still go out for dinner and I will just end my night there. He wanted to continue to prove his point and I had to repeat myself that I didn’t care about going! I changed plans! Let it go! …But I still feel like I sacrificed myself.
Sunday:
AH joined the kids and I on our usual daily walk (for the first time ever) and as we were walking the kids were excited and wound up at first. We are working on them interrupting and waiting turns to talk (usual family chaos I imagine haha) Well this turns into not fun real quick as AH starts talking to me about how we can never have quality time when we are out as a family because of the constant interruptions, and my argument was that we are out as a FAMILY and quality time between him and I is separate… He proceeds to tell me the picture in his head would be the kids walking up ahead of us behaving and us hand in hand talking with no interruptions. So this (usually) relaxing and nice evening walk has spun us into a huge discussion on him feeling left out and competing with the kids’ attention and I saying that I can’t accept him always making me feel pulled between him and our children! So I am crying at this point because I have been told that I don’t care and HE is making all these changes and is upset that I wont read “the 5 Love Languages” with him… I tell him that I have been working on myself for 3+ years. And he continues on that I don’t show him love and that he is so hurt that I don’t shout my love on social media and our date on Friday HE had to post about the date on Facebook and I didn’t so I must not care etc etc. I told him that it is not my “style” and never has been to be public on my facebook. I thanked him and showed my appreciation to him in person, not to the internet. He says he is making all these changes so why can’t I and just suck it up and go out of my comfort zone to show my love “his way” ….So I have a puffy face from crying all day into Monday even because I am made to feel so selfish and cold hearted.
Monday: all is “normal” again. Although he mentioned in bed right before sleeping that he is going to start going to gym again (it has been about a month) and I say great, yeah do that- then he says he is going to join MY gym now instead and I didn’t really reply except “mmhmm ok” but inside I am cringing and panicking because THAT IS MY PLACE. That is my “spa”, my turf lol. I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life. Because that has been happening. It’s like he is assimilating what he thinks I want from him. I just want him to keep his own identity not take over mine.
There is just so much to share/on my mind. THANK YOU if you read this far
I do have an appointment with my therapist this week but in the interim you guys always make me feel sane.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so he is still a nasty, selfish, manipulative, controlling jerk.
no changes here!! threatening to go to the STRIP CLUB is a low blow, then complaining that because he doesn't have any friends to go with him but YOU get to go to some event with your sister is just.......CRASS.
I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life
he is and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. he does not want you to have a life. he does not want you to give your children attention. he wants to be the Supreme Poo Bah, with you at his beck and call and absolutely NO life of your own outside of attending to his every need. he doesn't even like his own children.
hasn't changed.
ain't changing.
will not change.
no changes here!! threatening to go to the STRIP CLUB is a low blow, then complaining that because he doesn't have any friends to go with him but YOU get to go to some event with your sister is just.......CRASS.
I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life
he is and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. he does not want you to have a life. he does not want you to give your children attention. he wants to be the Supreme Poo Bah, with you at his beck and call and absolutely NO life of your own outside of attending to his every need. he doesn't even like his own children.
hasn't changed.
ain't changing.
will not change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The up and down roller coaster of living with him. It's so hard to detach. You have the option when your ready to get off the roller coaster.
It doesn't sounds like he gets your needs or what makes you happy. He can be pouty. You can't change him.
Stay focused on enjoying life.
It doesn't sounds like he gets your needs or what makes you happy. He can be pouty. You can't change him.
Stay focused on enjoying life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
so he is still a nasty, selfish, manipulative, controlling jerk.
no changes here!! threatening to go to the STRIP CLUB is a low blow, then complaining that because he doesn't have any friends to go with him but YOU get to go to some event with your sister is just.......CRASS.
I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life
he is and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. he does not want you to have a life. he does not want you to give your children attention. he wants to be the Supreme Poo Bah, with you at his beck and call and absolutely NO life of your own outside of attending to his every need. he doesn't even like his own children.
hasn't changed.
ain't changing.
will not change.
no changes here!! threatening to go to the STRIP CLUB is a low blow, then complaining that because he doesn't have any friends to go with him but YOU get to go to some event with your sister is just.......CRASS.
I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life
he is and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. he does not want you to have a life. he does not want you to give your children attention. he wants to be the Supreme Poo Bah, with you at his beck and call and absolutely NO life of your own outside of attending to his every need. he doesn't even like his own children.
hasn't changed.
ain't changing.
will not change.
Just a different color. Always the same underneath.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by hearthealth
The up and down roller coaster of living with him. It's so hard to detach. You have the option when your ready to get off the roller coaster.
It doesn't sounds like he gets your needs or what makes you happy. He can be pouty. You can't change him.
Stay focused on enjoying life.
It doesn't sounds like he gets your needs or what makes you happy. He can be pouty. You can't change him.
Stay focused on enjoying life.
But you see; he has changed! He takes me on dates and does dishes and is home more than not. He reads books and sends me love quotes and buys me stuff and "allows" me to go away for the weekend. He professes his love to me online for all to see and tells me I am beautiful 30,548 times a day. (rolls eyes)
On the surface, he is a changed man. To his friends and himself he looks great. I am accused of being selfish and self centered and ungrateful and unwilling to change.
But you're right. I can stop when I want to. I guess I am still not there yet. Figuring it out one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he hasn't changed at his core - he is just BEHAVING in more outwardly acceptable ways. he's like the alien that comes to earth and studies how they interact and then mimics their actions.
he is also the guy that got MAD at you for wanting to do something spontaneously, meaning he'd have to stay home with the kids, for pete's sake, and countered by THREATENING to go where??? a strip club. WHY? because that gets you right where it hurts.....there aren't enough I Love You's in the world to cover up that manipulation.
he is also the guy that got MAD at you for wanting to do something spontaneously, meaning he'd have to stay home with the kids, for pete's sake, and countered by THREATENING to go where??? a strip club. WHY? because that gets you right where it hurts.....there aren't enough I Love You's in the world to cover up that manipulation.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Trust your gut.
Manipulation feels like manipulation. Sincere efforts at amends feel sincere.
"Family time" but only by his rules where he's still the center of your attention? I don't have children and even I know that's never going to happen. Nor should it. Kids are kids, not automatons.
This guy has King Baby tendencies, no?
P.S. Do you even LIKE this guy? A friend of mine asked me that question when I was dating one of my XABs. Stopped me cold because the answer was, "well, no."
Manipulation feels like manipulation. Sincere efforts at amends feel sincere.
"Family time" but only by his rules where he's still the center of your attention? I don't have children and even I know that's never going to happen. Nor should it. Kids are kids, not automatons.
This guy has King Baby tendencies, no?
P.S. Do you even LIKE this guy? A friend of mine asked me that question when I was dating one of my XABs. Stopped me cold because the answer was, "well, no."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Yes to all the above.
Mimicking : So strange to witness but that is exactly what it is. My mind thinks- oh, effort, growth, discovery. But when I see change in him- it is superficial and I feel...pity? or? He seems so lost to do "the right things" ...lost. That's it maybe.
King Baby: YES. I have felt some tension building and I could *tell* it is because he is not getting the external validation from me that he needs/wants. I simply do not have the energy, desire, or responsibility I feel to provide that for him. I have worked quietly on my own recovery for over 3 years and do not rely on external validation to keep going(except here and counseling but I am always right on with my intuition. Not saying that we don't all need validation from time to time) I have tried to detach but that always comes back to bite me as I'm seen as uncaring or unsupportive.
Last minute plans: I have had to put up a fight any time I make plans. "last minute" could mean something that same day or something as far out as a month in advance for a weekend trip- if it's too soon in his eyes, I am disrespecting him by planning without consulting him first and any amount of head up is never enough. it puts me in a bind, so I wait sometimes to drop a plan because I know it will be fight either way and then it ends up being truly last minute plans as Ive kept it to myself until that moment.
I just see outward changes and I root for him and try and be cheerleader the best I can. But my heart tells me it is superficial changes to keep his reality intact and it tears me up so much inside to know this.
Mimicking : So strange to witness but that is exactly what it is. My mind thinks- oh, effort, growth, discovery. But when I see change in him- it is superficial and I feel...pity? or? He seems so lost to do "the right things" ...lost. That's it maybe.
King Baby: YES. I have felt some tension building and I could *tell* it is because he is not getting the external validation from me that he needs/wants. I simply do not have the energy, desire, or responsibility I feel to provide that for him. I have worked quietly on my own recovery for over 3 years and do not rely on external validation to keep going(except here and counseling but I am always right on with my intuition. Not saying that we don't all need validation from time to time) I have tried to detach but that always comes back to bite me as I'm seen as uncaring or unsupportive.
Last minute plans: I have had to put up a fight any time I make plans. "last minute" could mean something that same day or something as far out as a month in advance for a weekend trip- if it's too soon in his eyes, I am disrespecting him by planning without consulting him first and any amount of head up is never enough. it puts me in a bind, so I wait sometimes to drop a plan because I know it will be fight either way and then it ends up being truly last minute plans as Ive kept it to myself until that moment.
I just see outward changes and I root for him and try and be cheerleader the best I can. But my heart tells me it is superficial changes to keep his reality intact and it tears me up so much inside to know this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 44
This guy is not respecting boundaries and he is using and is jealous of his own children. Sounds very manipulative and more than a little narcissistic. These kinds of people are emotional vampires and thrive and enjoy drama and others pain. Best avoided at all costs.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Pretend you were reading this about a total stranger...
What would you tell this person? Do you think this is a good life? Do you want it to be the rest of your life?
Friday: AH surprised me with a date day while kids were in school. He took the day off work (!!!) and went to a museum neither of us had been to, had lunch, a great quality time day. Happy times.
Saturday: I was able to go grocery shopping solo, spent the rest of the day at home with kiddos, AH was there, a little agitated throughout the day but wasn’t really an issue and I kept focused on kids/self. I was invited last minute out to a show with free tickets with my sisters and pitched the idea to AH. That is when things took a turn. He was offended that I made plans last minute, after our great date yesterday- how could I? and just dropped that bomb on him, also the tickets were for “Thunder from Down under” (eye roll) lol. All for fun and I had been before. Totally last minute fun plans. He went into a fit saying he was going to go to the strip club tonight then, since I get to get away with it. Then I made the mistake of justifying myself…AH would not just say: I don’t like the idea of you going please don’t – he had to try and hurt me the same and prove a point. ..and he continued on also mentioning that he didn’t have friends to go out with to strip club, so it will never be “fair”… I just said to him: I don’t REALLY care about this show, it was really about sister time. We can still go out for dinner and I will just end my night there. He wanted to continue to prove his point and I had to repeat myself that I didn’t care about going! I changed plans! Let it go! …But I still feel like I sacrificed myself.
Sunday:
AH joined the kids and I on our usual daily walk (for the first time ever) and as we were walking the kids were excited and wound up at first. We are working on them interrupting and waiting turns to talk (usual family chaos I imagine haha) Well this turns into not fun real quick as AH starts talking to me about how we can never have quality time when we are out as a family because of the constant interruptions, and my argument was that we are out as a FAMILY and quality time between him and I is separate… He proceeds to tell me the picture in his head would be the kids walking up ahead of us behaving and us hand in hand talking with no interruptions. So this (usually) relaxing and nice evening walk has spun us into a huge discussion on him feeling left out and competing with the kids’ attention and I saying that I can’t accept him always making me feel pulled between him and our children! So I am crying at this point because I have been told that I don’t care and HE is making all these changes and is upset that I wont read “the 5 Love Languages” with him… I tell him that I have been working on myself for 3+ years. And he continues on that I don’t show him love and that he is so hurt that I don’t shout my love on social media and our date on Friday HE had to post about the date on Facebook and I didn’t so I must not care etc etc. I told him that it is not my “style” and never has been to be public on my facebook. I thanked him and showed my appreciation to him in person, not to the internet. He says he is making all these changes so why can’t I and just suck it up and go out of my comfort zone to show my love “his way” ….So I have a puffy face from crying all day into Monday even because I am made to feel so selfish and cold hearted.
Monday: all is “normal” again. Although he mentioned in bed right before sleeping that he is going to start going to gym again (it has been about a month) and I say great, yeah do that- then he says he is going to join MY gym now instead and I didn’t really reply except “mmhmm ok” but inside I am cringing and panicking because THAT IS MY PLACE. That is my “spa”, my turf lol. I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life. Because that has been happening. It’s like he is assimilating what he thinks I want from him. I just want him to keep his own identity not take over mine.
Friday: AH surprised me with a date day while kids were in school. He took the day off work (!!!) and went to a museum neither of us had been to, had lunch, a great quality time day. Happy times.
Saturday: I was able to go grocery shopping solo, spent the rest of the day at home with kiddos, AH was there, a little agitated throughout the day but wasn’t really an issue and I kept focused on kids/self. I was invited last minute out to a show with free tickets with my sisters and pitched the idea to AH. That is when things took a turn. He was offended that I made plans last minute, after our great date yesterday- how could I? and just dropped that bomb on him, also the tickets were for “Thunder from Down under” (eye roll) lol. All for fun and I had been before. Totally last minute fun plans. He went into a fit saying he was going to go to the strip club tonight then, since I get to get away with it. Then I made the mistake of justifying myself…AH would not just say: I don’t like the idea of you going please don’t – he had to try and hurt me the same and prove a point. ..and he continued on also mentioning that he didn’t have friends to go out with to strip club, so it will never be “fair”… I just said to him: I don’t REALLY care about this show, it was really about sister time. We can still go out for dinner and I will just end my night there. He wanted to continue to prove his point and I had to repeat myself that I didn’t care about going! I changed plans! Let it go! …But I still feel like I sacrificed myself.
Sunday:
AH joined the kids and I on our usual daily walk (for the first time ever) and as we were walking the kids were excited and wound up at first. We are working on them interrupting and waiting turns to talk (usual family chaos I imagine haha) Well this turns into not fun real quick as AH starts talking to me about how we can never have quality time when we are out as a family because of the constant interruptions, and my argument was that we are out as a FAMILY and quality time between him and I is separate… He proceeds to tell me the picture in his head would be the kids walking up ahead of us behaving and us hand in hand talking with no interruptions. So this (usually) relaxing and nice evening walk has spun us into a huge discussion on him feeling left out and competing with the kids’ attention and I saying that I can’t accept him always making me feel pulled between him and our children! So I am crying at this point because I have been told that I don’t care and HE is making all these changes and is upset that I wont read “the 5 Love Languages” with him… I tell him that I have been working on myself for 3+ years. And he continues on that I don’t show him love and that he is so hurt that I don’t shout my love on social media and our date on Friday HE had to post about the date on Facebook and I didn’t so I must not care etc etc. I told him that it is not my “style” and never has been to be public on my facebook. I thanked him and showed my appreciation to him in person, not to the internet. He says he is making all these changes so why can’t I and just suck it up and go out of my comfort zone to show my love “his way” ….So I have a puffy face from crying all day into Monday even because I am made to feel so selfish and cold hearted.
Monday: all is “normal” again. Although he mentioned in bed right before sleeping that he is going to start going to gym again (it has been about a month) and I say great, yeah do that- then he says he is going to join MY gym now instead and I didn’t really reply except “mmhmm ok” but inside I am cringing and panicking because THAT IS MY PLACE. That is my “spa”, my turf lol. I don’t like the feeling of him slowly but surely creeping into all facets of my life. Because that has been happening. It’s like he is assimilating what he thinks I want from him. I just want him to keep his own identity not take over mine.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It is still and will remain all about him.
If you go to thunder I am going to strip club.
Oh wait. I can't go to strip club because I don't have any friends to go with.
And that is ALL YOUR FAULT.
Honestly. What is he? 10?
If you go to thunder I am going to strip club.
Oh wait. I can't go to strip club because I don't have any friends to go with.
And that is ALL YOUR FAULT.
Honestly. What is he? 10?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
[QUOTE=Maudcat;6496859]It is still and will remain all about him.
If you go to thunder I am going to strip club.
Oh wait. I can't go to strip club because I don't have any friends to go with.
And that is ALL YOUR FAULT.
Honestly. What is he? 10?[/QUOTE]
Yes it is! and I would have placed him stuck at age 15 lol.
My fault, I was disrespectful to think of going, last minute, to look at attractive men and run away with one of them, probably. Even after AH took me on a date the day before! How dare I not stay at home and continue to grovel for such a nice gesture. Not sure what I was thinking exercising my own rights to freedom. sheesh kapeesh.
If you go to thunder I am going to strip club.
Oh wait. I can't go to strip club because I don't have any friends to go with.
And that is ALL YOUR FAULT.
Honestly. What is he? 10?[/QUOTE]
Yes it is! and I would have placed him stuck at age 15 lol.
My fault, I was disrespectful to think of going, last minute, to look at attractive men and run away with one of them, probably. Even after AH took me on a date the day before! How dare I not stay at home and continue to grovel for such a nice gesture. Not sure what I was thinking exercising my own rights to freedom. sheesh kapeesh.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look, he's a total jerk, as he's always been. This is so typical of abusers: make some grandiose gesture and then coast on that for the next few weeks. God forbid you don't fall all over yourself repeating your gratitude for his generosity--several times a day, at least. And God forbid you do something nice or enjoy anything that doesn't come from HIS generosity.
Sooner or later you will be done. Hopefully sooner rather than later--you and your kids will continue to suffer in this toxic household until you are.
Sooner or later you will be done. Hopefully sooner rather than later--you and your kids will continue to suffer in this toxic household until you are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Look, he's a total jerk, as he's always been. This is so typical of abusers: make some grandiose gesture and then coast on that for the next few weeks. God forbid you don't fall all over yourself repeating your gratitude for his generosity--several times a day, at least. And God forbid you do something nice or enjoy anything that doesn't come from HIS generosity.
Sooner or later you will be done. Hopefully sooner rather than later--you and your kids will continue to suffer in this toxic household until you are.
Sooner or later you will be done. Hopefully sooner rather than later--you and your kids will continue to suffer in this toxic household until you are.
I really appreciate this place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hi thousandwords, he has changed that's good. Saying your beautiful 50000 times a day is easy. Really wanting to understand that someone has a different ways of doing, wanting thimgs or seeing things is so much harder to change and being ok with it. It's their deep down personality. Not that people can't change but it's so much harder in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yep, he is a narcissist alright. Got forbid you not to keel over and drool over all the love bombing. How shallow. And Facebook? Really?
My XAH does the same chit. Blathers about how he is changed man and keeps me updated about all the nice things people that I don't know said about him. Mkay.
Last weekend he "booked a cabin to stay in for myself and DS" then changed his mind abruptly because I was not being nice to him. I have never asked him to book said cabin.....the only harmed party is DS who was looking forward to the trip.
These people 🙄
Stay the course and stay strong. He can run his howdy doody show as he pleases. I actually found ways to benefit from XAH's generousity at times and I am not even ashamed 🤓
My XAH does the same chit. Blathers about how he is changed man and keeps me updated about all the nice things people that I don't know said about him. Mkay.
Last weekend he "booked a cabin to stay in for myself and DS" then changed his mind abruptly because I was not being nice to him. I have never asked him to book said cabin.....the only harmed party is DS who was looking forward to the trip.
These people 🙄
Stay the course and stay strong. He can run his howdy doody show as he pleases. I actually found ways to benefit from XAH's generousity at times and I am not even ashamed 🤓
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
I interpret the gym change as less assimilation, more control. If he's sober, he's likely being bombarded with insecurities that he's used to drinking away. If he goes to the same gym, he can randomly show up or tag along to either monitor you or monopolize your attention. Or make it so miserable for you passive aggressively you stop going.
I relate to the "last minute" plans. Everything had to be planned months in advance and the slightest change sent everything into a tailspin. No such thing as family or friends dropping by.
As many other wiser posters have said before, issues of control, abuse, etc (not implying) often to exist separately from alcoholism. They are all tied to the same root causes, and recovery works on them all from the inside out. Being sober won't keep an alcoholic from manipulation, controlling behaviors, etc. The lack of alcohol sometimes takes away the "excuse" we tell ourselves, and we're left to deal with maybe that's how they actually are.
I don't have children, but have dogs, and I was amazed at how bent out of shape he'd get from them doing dog things, sporadically barking, wanting to chase a squirrel on a walk...
I know this rollercoaster is difficult. Kind of grateful and resentful at the same time for the good days. It would be easier if they were all bad.
I relate to the "last minute" plans. Everything had to be planned months in advance and the slightest change sent everything into a tailspin. No such thing as family or friends dropping by.
As many other wiser posters have said before, issues of control, abuse, etc (not implying) often to exist separately from alcoholism. They are all tied to the same root causes, and recovery works on them all from the inside out. Being sober won't keep an alcoholic from manipulation, controlling behaviors, etc. The lack of alcohol sometimes takes away the "excuse" we tell ourselves, and we're left to deal with maybe that's how they actually are.
I don't have children, but have dogs, and I was amazed at how bent out of shape he'd get from them doing dog things, sporadically barking, wanting to chase a squirrel on a walk...
I know this rollercoaster is difficult. Kind of grateful and resentful at the same time for the good days. It would be easier if they were all bad.
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