My boyfriend is an alcoholic

Old 06-11-2017, 09:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Unhappy My boyfriend is an alcoholic

I am new to this forum.
I met my boyfriend online 3 years ago. I will start by saying he is a wonderful person inside and out. A great cook, a hard worker, a do-it-yourselfer. Well loved at his job. Honest.
When I met him in 2014, I did not realize he was a terrible alcoholic. A vodka drinker. He did not tell me until we were seeing each other for 2 weeks. Being young , and him being my first love, I was just so excited to have someone to be with who was funny, and had the same exact interests as me.
I should mention that I am 24 years old and he is 32. However the age difference never bothers me or him. When we met I was 21 and he was 29. My boyfriend lives with his Mom. she has trouble keeping a job at times.
We did all my first things together. He taught me how to kiss, fish, bowl. When I met him i was extremely extremely shy. He is a very outgoing, social, talkative person. He helped me come out of my shell. When I tell people I used to be shy, they say it is impossible. i am so funny and high spirited. I learned all these qualities from watching his interactions. He was there for my college graduation, when my grandfather died. He was there when I got my first real job. He cooked for me everynight because he used to work in a restaurant. I wasn't used to home cooked food, and I fell in love with his cooking. He would ask me what I wanted and magically make it for me. He has still never made me clean a dish in my life. I have never ever had to cook a meal for him, in fact he refuses it. He says he does not mind doing errands for me, he likes feeling helpful. He is very forgiving when I make a mistake. He says he will never leave me unless I am unfaithful to him. He has very high values when it comes to caring for someone. He treats his nephew as his own son. He always presents him with more than enough presents at christmas time.

Growing up, he did not have a dad for long. He left when he was 4 years old. He hardly talks about it with me. When he does, he will say his grandfather raised him. His grandfather was also a great man. A very good role model for any young boy. My boyfriend loved his grandfather as he loved a dad. He did not have his mother to raise him as a tween/teenager. She was in jail often. His grandfather was the one person he looked forward to staying with on the weekend, His gramps taught him to fish, to clean up after yourself, to take care of your family. I think he had a wonderful influence on who my boyfriend is today.

His gramps passed away about 6 years ago. He misses him very very much.

I wanted to start by saying all these things about my boyfriend, because these are all the qualities I dearly love about him. These are all the things that make him different from all the other people I know.

When we first started dating, my boyfriend was drinking vodka from the bottle, going to the liquor store maybe once every day or every two days. It did not bother me at first. I had never been around an alcoholic this closely before. I used to think it was cute when he acted super silly with me. I would go to the liquor store with him sometimes. At the time, I was 21 so I had not dabbled much in alcohol yet. I know lots of people drink before 21, but I was never interested.

The one night I tried a bottle of a mixed drink at the liquor store. I did not like the way it tasted at all. I decided I wasn't going to drink with him . I wasn't interested at the time.

My boyfriend told me his ex girlfriend, who he was with for four years was his last serious relationship. She introduced him to vodka. She cheated on him, and left him. My boyfriend used to blame the drinking on her at times.

Long story short, as the relationship went on, his drinking did not become cute anymore. When we would go out to a farmers market, or to the roller rink, it was not fun. Sometimes at the roller rink I would watch him fall down multiple times in a row. And he is a very very good skater normally.

At my part time job sometimes he would call me, to tell me something was terribly wrong. He was in so much pain, and his stomach hurt terribly. He admitted to me he was throwing up blood in the toilet. He said he thought he had ulcers. He would blame it on salty food mixed with alcohol. Then he would take a break for a few days, maybe a week, and then go back to vodka again.

About 1 year into the relationship, I became very very upset with him and his drinking vodka. I actually was able to talk to one of his very close friends about it. He lives far away in a different state. I told his friend that he had urinated on the floor one night while sleep walking in the bedroom. I was very upset about it. His friend called him on the phone and explained the situation. My boyfriend became very upset about this.

I remember the one night, he had drank about a half of a bottle of vodka. He was going to the grocery store, and was asking me to go with him. He was going to make me dinner. But I did not think he was fit to drive. I refused to get in the car with him, and let me say I was not very calm about the way I approached the situation. He became very angry at me. Started cursing at me, and calling me awful names. He had never done this before. At the time I was living with my parents, so I called them to take me home. And they did. That night my boyfriend would not stop texting me. Telling me that I was a terrible person, just like everyone else. It was obviously the alcohol talking. He had sent me about 30 messages total.

That night I decided it was time to tell him, the truth. If he kept drinking vodka, I was not going to be around anymore. I called him the next day, and woke him up at 12 noon, while he was sleeping off his hangover. I told him everything he texted me and he started to cry. He told me he would fix things. I told him if he did not i was going to leave.

My boyfriend has not drank vodka in 2 years, since this incident. But, he has taken on beer since then. I would say he was completely sober for a month at most. I truly believe he was trying. But, He started to drink beer on nights I would stay at my parents house. One time I found a bottle in the trashcan. I asked him about it, he said it was much less alcohol percent than vodka and to not be alarmed.

I don't know how it happened, but I started to drink beer with him as well. I suppose I prefer beer over liquor. I was almost 23 when I started to really enjoy alcohol. It was fun. We would both drink together. We could both be super silly together. We could both have fun together, have better romantic times together. Sometimes his friend would come over and we would all drink and laugh at what was on TV. There are some really fun times in the mix. I don't regret some of the nights. Sometimes we did have loads of fun.

But, unfortunately, there were/are other nights that went horribly wrong. I enjoy having a high percent in alcohol beer. Usually one will make me pretty tipsy/drunk. Now my boyfriend drinks about 9-12 high percent beers in one day through night. Obviously, it may be less if he works a night shift, or more if he has the day off. He will still do everything for me while drinking. Make dinner, take care of me if I'm sick, help his mom or family. He is not usually lazy. Sometimes, he sleeps in his chair or passes out when he has had too much. This almost will always happen after he eats dinner. This would not bother me as much, if he did not like to light candles in the room. Or if , sometimes, we forget to lock the front door. If we forgot to walk the dog, if the TV is blasting a show. These things seem to really make me annoyed or worried. I become stressed. I almost find it a blessing sometimes when I come home from work and he has fallen asleep in bed.

When he first started to increase his alcohol consumption, he would wake up from his sleep and stumble to the bathroom. I was always worried he would fall down the steps, so I would go with him. I never want anything to happen to me. Sometimes he works out as well , when he has had about 8-9 beers. I always come in to check on him. I am always afraid he will drop a weight on his foot. He becomes upset when I check on him. I admit sometimes I become obsessive with it. I will just keep thinking bad thoughts. What if he is on the bench stuck under the weight and I never know till it is too late. We would get in big arguments about this. He thought I did not support him working out. Now, I go to a gym near his house, while he works out at home. It has helped problems a little bit.

The thing that bothers me the worst, which may be the deal breaker, if I cannot fix this problem, or try to help him fix his problem, is when I come home from a long day at work, on a saturday or sunday, when he has off work. He will have had so many beers, that he will start hugging me so tight, I can hardly breath. He will act super super silly with me. And I am not in the mood. I have a very hard job standing on my feet all day at a grocery store. My uniform smells and the first thing I want to do is take a shower. But I feel sometimes he will just not stop bothering me, following me around saying silly things. He will usually continually stutter, are you mad at me? I am sorry. He will say it over and over.

Now that I have my own apartment and do not live with my parents anymore, I sometimes will just go home. I will try to say it in a nice way to him, sometimes. Othertimes, I will get so mad at him when he is drunk. I will say, I am going home now, I can't deal with this. I know that I should probably not do this. But I will have such a high anxiety level, and I know it will not go down till he passes out or sobers up.

These are the basics of my situation. I do not know what to do about it. His family often badgers him about his drinking, especially his mom. She has had so many issues in her life, my boyfriend feels as if she should have no say in his life. I do not think he would want to go to a meeting. I have already asked him this in our relationship. I do not know what to do. I still have so much fun with him, sometimes I tell myself that it is just not worth it to throw away a relationship with a good hearted person, who has one problem. The world can be very judgmental sometimes.

I should mention that a week ago, I had a very bad black out experience while drinking. I do not remember much of it, but my boyfriend says I tried to throw the TV on the ground, and also started cursing him out and hitting him. He says he understands he knows I drank too much and I made a mistake. But since then, I have not had anything to drink. My brother has substance and alcohol issues. And on one particular occasion which i will never forget, I saw him black out and attack my mom, till she had bruises on her arms. I decided I would take a break from drinking for a long while. It scares me to know I blacked out and was violent. And because of this, his drinking around me is very much getting on my nerves. It inspired me to write this forum.

Thank you for listening to my situation.
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Old 06-12-2017, 06:12 AM
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Your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and headed for serious liver problems if he doesn't already have them. Throwing up blood is a very serious symptom. If he continues to drink there's a good chance he will die from it. I'm not a doctor, but my second husband had liver failure and I learned a lot about it.

There is nothing you can do to "fix" it or to "help fix" it. If he wants to drink--and alcohol is alcohol--beer is no safer/better than vodka--this will become progressively worse.

As far as your own drinking goes, I'd recommend you stay away from it. Normal drinkers do not "black out," even if they've had a lot to drink. There's a good chance you will develop your own alcoholism if you continue to drink. My own alcoholism developed much later in life, but I know many people who drank alcoholically from almost their first drink.

In addition, drinking with him is a form of enabling.

I'd suggest you find an Al-Anon group near you and start going. Al-Anon is for family/friends of alcoholics, and it isn't to help the alcoholic get sober but to help you recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking.

I get that you love him. Alcoholics are not horrible people. The thing is, you are very young and you can waste years/decades of your life cleaning up after this guy. I loved my second husband. I loved him when I left him, but it was a matter of self-preservation. I'd seen him through one near-death experience, and I wasn't up for another when he went back to drinking after nearly dying of it.
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Old 06-12-2017, 06:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Hi, Colors. Welcome to SR.
There is a lot of good info on this site, called stickies,
They are posted at the top of the main menu.
I recommend you reach out for support for a few things:
Your consumption of alcohol. If you can take some sober time, I urge you to do so.
We cannot think clearly about anything when we are lit up.
Your SO's consumption of alcohol. It isn't normal behavior to drink as much as he is daily. Sadly, this is his choice. You can't control it or make him stop. He has to decide to do that on his own. You can, however, change you.
Which brings me to the other concern I have.
Your checking up on your SO, accompanying him to the bathroom, etc. is not helpful, though it may seem so at first glance.
You are not his mother or his nurse.
Your situation is not a healthy one right now, even though you clearly care for this man.
I am sure others will be along to welcome you.
Keep reaching out, keep posting, and keep learning about alcohol addiction.
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Old 06-12-2017, 07:27 AM
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Hey girl hey, our stories are very similar, the only difference is that my alcoholic isn't outgoing, more of an introvert. It's hard to be young and in love with an alcoholic, especially with the age gap. Other people our age aren't in the same walk of life that we are and it makes you feel isolated and alone. I'm not doing well with my recovery so my only advice is to get to al-anon and start working on healing yourself. Glad you found us
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Old 06-12-2017, 08:45 AM
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Hi Colors--my only advice to you is to be careful in allowing your BF to do everything for you. My STBXAH was this way as well and I thought it was sweet & romantic that he would not let me do "dirty" jobs like taking out the garbage or washing dishes. But 20 years later, I'm discovering that this was a form of control and of slowing manipulating me over time into thinking that I could do nothing without him. Now that he decided to move on with someone new & exciting, I am starting over, learning how to do all the things that I used to know how to do before meeting him. Just trying to spare you two decades of feeling stuck & incapable. Hugs to you!
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Old 06-12-2017, 10:45 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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Hi sweetie -
I'm still struggling to detach from my Abf as like you, I am in love with him despite all the terrible and ugly sides that the alcoholism brings. Also like you, he's great when he isn't wasted (you will hear this a LOT here!)...but as you know your gut is telling you, this isn't working for you and causing you great pain. The thing about addiction is, it may seem like that "one bad quality" he has, but it literally will take every great quality he has and turn it into a bad one. In other words, addiction destroys everything - every.single.thing. He could be the greatest man in the world, but if he is an addict not in treatment or not even wanting to get sober, there's no real hope for an happiness in your relationship. Trust me, I am living it and if left untreated, it only gets worse. And it doesn't matter what you do to take care of him or tell him, whether you drink with him or without him, he will drink until only HE decides he doesn't want to. Pretty much the only solution right now is to decide if you want to to go along with him on this horrible and scary ride, or unhook and move on to taking care of yourself and finding a healthier relationship. I've spent over 2 years trying to convince mine how much better life is sober, and there are people here who have spent decades trying - yes decades, it is possible you will spend that long trying - I am in danger of it myself. The thing is, NOTHING you do or say will change him. Assume that who he is today as is good as it gets. Then base your decision on that.

It also sounds like you are at a very high risk for becoming an addict yourself. I have to admit when you mentioned he told you that you did all those things, it is possible of course, but addicts can also be highly manipulative people. Sometimes my A will tell me I said or did things that I know I didn't - this can be a form of Gaslighting that is used to manipulate you into believing something false to further his own agenda. (ie. if he tells you that you blacked out and hit him and smashed a TV it makes him feel in control and able to use this to justify his own bad behaviors...misery loves company)

Get to Alanon and keep researching and posting here. It is SO hard when you love someone so much and you are watching them self-destruct before your very eyes. It is even harder to leave them - Alanon and therapy will help. I have been struggling for over two years and not doing well to let go. Don't get sucked in like I did. Read my threads and think about whether you want my life. Trust me, you don't.
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Old 06-12-2017, 05:57 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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This is who he is. if you knew things would never change, that this is what life with him would be like, what wold you do?

At his age, his mother doesn't have the authority to order him into treatment. That's irrelevant. He is not motivated to seek treatment for him self.
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