New to recovery, seeking understanding.
 

Hey All-
I know my story is the same as countless others and that gives me hope in knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. So thank you for reading another "newbie" thread. I will do my best to tell my story and would appreciate any feedback or answers anyone can give.
I was with my now RXGF (Recovering ex girlfriend?) for 3 years on/off. We started as friends/coworkers and eventually fell into each other's arms after she broke up with her previous beau who treated her like crap (abusive, inattentive, etc...). So aside from being the "rebound" guy from the beginning, we also have a solid foundation being friends. The first year and a half was amazing. At this time I did not realize she had a drinking problem, though we would drink together at bars I thought nothing of it. I started to realize it was a problem when the drunk episodes started to intensify in her expressing anger at me and others, irrational fears/thoughts and straight up lies she would try to argue about when she was drunk. Eventually I had to put up some walls and detach with love because I could not follow her down this path. I moved out on my own after living together thinking we both would do better with space, but that was a bad idea as erratic behavior soon followed. After she lost her job at the time (due to a couple episodes at work-she was a bartender), she quickly started a new one but eventually went to the hospital for kidney problems from drinking. After she tried to convince herself she could control her drinking, she had a couple episodes where I found her drunk beyond reason, not making any sense while talking and fairly abusive/aggressive. I decided to end things as I plainly could not deal with her behavior. I know I acted selfishly but I had to protect myself as much as do my best to help her (which clearly wasn't working).
She moved in with her parents after the breakup and that was good for her. She stayed sober, at least I think, and seemed like on a good path. That lasted all of 2 months until another major episode at a family function where she basically got drunk and ran away. Her mother could not reason with her and here I came to the rescue. I picked her up at a mutual friends house after her mother left due to their heated argument. She was visibly drunk, she tried to drink some more that night (behind my back) and went into seizure episodes-it was very tough as I did not know what was going on and what to do. Nonetheless the next morning she tried to play it off as nothing major happened. Knowing she messed up but grateful I came to her rescue. She was focused on getting a job in my neighborhood and did. She was awesome at it. As far as our relationship, we didn't define it at first as I was still guarded, but I loved her. Friends with benefits seems to fit but we had history so it was deeper than that. After a couple months and an episode where she out of know where took a flight to try to reconcile with abusive ex boyfriend but came back when she realized she was wrong about him, we established we would try to work out our relationship and be together. Again everything was great for 4 months until she had another episode at work (which also took her back after her flight to see her ex). Everything spiraled from there. She distanced herself from me, I found out she was drinking behind my back the last 4 months, would run away to friends houses some weekends, even cheating on me. This behavior lasted a month, I couldn't kick her out as she had no where to go but we talked about her getting help as the next place for her to be. She eventually agreed to get into detox/treatment and be active in AA. She was slated to check into rehab 3 weeks after detox and stayed with me still. I also lost my job the same month and was glad to be around her more and support her in resisting temptation until she went into rehab.
I did my best to establish boundaries before she went into rehab. I told her she needed to do this for herself and cannot think about us a couple. As much as I wanted to be with her (I truly do love her, even still) I knew it would not be a good idea, I had to protect myself still. While she was in rehab, she would still say she loved me and exhibited behavior that made it seem like we were still together. It was confusing to me as I thought I established we were not. I visited her while she was in treatment (she was there for 60 days) and she displayed affection and interest in me. I have to admit I entertained the idea of working things out when she got out of treatment but I knew still I could not act on it, she needed to establish her own identity right? Also she had mentioned "They say you shouldn't be in a relationship for 9-12 months after treatment." I picked her up on her graduation day and all the affection and behavior was completely different. She did not seem interested in talking to me, even when she mentioned multiple times before she got out that "We had to talk." The next day she decided to move out of town with the mother of one of the people she was in treatment with as the lady had a farm in a small town away from temptation and the whole people places and things idea. It was sad to say goodbye but I was supportive as it was great to see her making steps to be better. I did selfishly try to push for that conversation we were going to have but it never came. We didn't talk much the first week she was away, when we did get a chance she tried to justify us not being together on how she didn't feel loved when we were together. Even though I just wanted to understand why she was acting distant (even for being close friends). She would still send me texts that she was thinking about me. We even talked about trying again when we were both ready. It was at a distance that she decided to tell me she was dating, and not only that, she was dating the same guy she was in rehab with whose mother's house she was living in. I'm assuming he lives there too although not certain.
As her ex I could not help but feel hurt. But as someone who wants to see her do well I was hurt that she was dating this early, much less to someone she met in treatment. Not only that but I started to piece together events, and her erratic behavior leading up to this and it started to all correlate. It was weird, even after being "broken up" for the last 4 months this hurt more. The last month after finding out she was dating and moved away to be with him has been really hard. I accept that it is her life and her journey, but the feeling of not being honest with me about it makes it suck even more. I am truly happy that she is finding happiness but just trying to make sense of her behavior.
Since then, she has tried to establish that she wanted to be nothing more than friends. I told her that while I support her and would like that I could not do it at this time as I still have feelings for her. She has still maintained although we do need some space, she still want to know whats going on in my life and possibly try again in the future.
That brings us to now, I found out about Sober Recovery and glad I did. I started to read and learn more about behavior traits in addicts and it has given me a good understanding of the last 3 years with her. I even told her last week that I am feeling better after reading more about all this and even thinking about attending an Al-Anon meeting. She responded with her being hopeful and happy i decided to do that. I guess I am looking at understanding her by understanding what she's going through a lot more. And while she is reluctant to be honest with me still, maybe that 4th/5th step will come in my direction.
Thank you for reading my story and apologies for any ignorance of terminology and otherwise. Like I said, I am very new to understanding AA and recovery. Just wish I had done it sooner.

Welcome to SR, reefhugger. Glad you are here.

Hi, and welcome! I'd just suggest that you take it easy and see how things unfold. Don't be thinking of Al-Anon as a way to "understand" her or support her--Al-Anon is to help YOU deal with the effects of dealing with someone else's drinking. As long as you go into it with that mindset, and let things unfold as they do, you'll be better off, regardless of what she does.

RH- addiction sucks. You do not. She does not- but her addiction does. Boundaries are important. Keep reading and looking and sharing. I learn a lot here. Support to you...

I think if you continue reading here at SR you will see that her behavior is typical addict behavior, erratic, irresponsible and impulsive. She flits from here to there, you to someone else then back again, never content always chasing the next momentary high.

Instead of reading about HER issues, about HER addiction I would suggest you look at your own behavior and issues. Why did you keep rushing in to rescue? Why did you take her back after cheating? Where did your own values and self-esteem go to allow her to treat you poorly and why still today do you want to be in contact with someone who is not honest with you?

One of our best tools for when a relationship ends with an addict is no contact, build your own life, focus on your own issues so that you never get lost in someone else's addiction and issues ever again.

Don't sit around waiting for her to make amends to you or trying to figure her out, those answers won't do you any good. But finding out your own answers, working on your own issues will do you wonders.

The happiness in your life isn't in fixing her, it's in fixing you!!!

Boundaries are what you establish for yourself. Nobody can cross them when boundaries are firmly established in you. Someone can get close to your boundary and it's up to you to evaluate and respond in whatever way is right for you. Al-Anon is great for learning how to create and work with boundaries that feel productive and positive for you. Boundaries are yours and in no way dependent on the behavior or agreements of others.

Welcome :)

Dear Reefhugger
So sorry for what brings you here. However, you are now surrounded by some wonderful people with great insight.
I use Sober Recovery as my primary venue for "meetings." The local Al-Anon groups have members who like to "run" things, and they were triggering me, so I no longer attend. If you find an Al-Anon group in your area that helps, I highly recommend it.

Looking back two years, I realize that I have made some important progress in gaining liberation from the fears and concerns you have expressed about your girlfriend. Now I am excited to see what the future brings. Working a program like this requires patience and commitment. We do not change overnight.

welcome,reefhugger.
behaviors on BOTH sides of the fence can be erratic early on. think about it- shes in recovery, your starting YOUR journey into YOUR recovery, and
" And while she is reluctant to be honest with me still, maybe that 4th/5th step will come in my direction.

Thank you for reading my story and apologies for any ignorance of terminology and otherwise. Like I said, I am very new to understanding AA and recovery. Just wish I had done it sooner."

it seems the focus is on her actions and what you want from her.
what do you want from you?what do you want for your life?
youre lookin at amends from her and not amends you may have to make. reads kind of like you have expectations of amends making something happen between you 2 to get ya back together.

youre trying to understand AA and recovery for HER so you can understand HER recovery. how about your own?
seemrather erratic and crazy?

im a double winner. i couldnt even understand my own behavior early on in recovery from alcoholism.
ya know who did?
another alcoholic.
when i started facing the codie/enabler in me, i didnt understand my behavior early on.
ya know who did?
another codie/enabler.

PLEASE focus on your own recovery. yup, ya want the knowledge of alcoholism recovery and AA, but PLEASE check your motives.

Hi Reef, and sorry for what you've been through with her. It's certainly not an easy journey for anyone, including the friends and family of addicts. I have many friends who refuse the term "alcoholic" but clearly display that behavior. I've just succumbed myself that I am indeed an alcoholic.

Alcohol transformed my life into a trainwreck as well. It was like I was outside myself making "decisions" and "choices" that somehow didn't feel to me like either; it was some kind of necessity. It's very easy to slip into a vicious cycle of drinking to avoid withdrawal, which as you've seen with your ex, is a very scary prospect. But you were 100% right to take care of yourself first - don't think for a second that was a selfish move. I sometimes think the people trying to "rescue" me or something aren't doing it so much for me, but have a kind of hero complex. Many of my friends are genuinely helpful, but someone in this state of mind should be around other people in recovery and who don't "cosign on their $hit" (something people said all the time when I was in rehab).

Be accountable to yourself and let her find a way to be accountable for herself. It sounds like perhaps getting away was a good thing. I remember with my ex, who didn't drink and hated that I did (and that I lied about it, which never worked anyway), somehow we would always slip into old habits because that was the precedent I had set with him, as much as I despised these horrendous binges I would find myself in. But do remember - wherever you go, you bring yourself with you. You should focus on your recovery and grieving this loss, as that is what it is. Perhaps try Alanon, where people who have been affected by addiction come together to share experience and hope.

Wishing you the very best in your journey!

Thank you all for sharing thoughts and experiences. It is truly eye opening the more I read these forums, share, and listen to what you all have to say. I had never given any thought to better understanding Alcoholism and all that comes with it. Now I am starting to understand more about the last couple of years and ultimately myself.
All of your comments about more of an introspective look into my thoughts and actions are definitely useful. Not only is it somewhat cathartic to write and share, it is useful to have others ask me to look inward where I haven't done much. The more I read, the more I see this as common and it helps to not feel alone.
In a way I was seeking understanding to asses what I viewed as confusing, erratic, and uncommon behavior from her and why I still am thinking about our relationship and her. Finding out more and more it is common and experienced by all those affected. In short, I was not alone in feeling this way. I truly do care for her and wish her nothing but happiness. She deserves it, like we all do. Some part of me does wish we could reconcile and rekindle things in the future but I know I have to let go of that idea and focus on myself and pretty much let things unfold as they will. The idea of letting go, while somewhat scary, is powerful and hopeful in itself. I feel better each day I tell myself that.
I will continue reading SR and reflect on my own actions and intentions instead of hers for a change.

Again thank you all for your words and taking the time to read.

Focus on yourself. She is a mess and has no business in being in a relationship with anyone right now or any time soon.

Imagine, down the road, you do reconcile, get married, and she is now the mother of your children....and she goes into downward spiral.....you have to worry about her relapsing...or bringing STDs home. I have been there and don't wish it on anyone. This does not sound like addiction alone, sounds like she is self-medicating for deeper issues.

There is plenty of Fish in the sea.

Good luck - you can get through this

Having a tough day. I haven't been able to attend an al anon meeting due to my work schedule but reading the forums help. Its tough to stop thinking about her. It really is weird to think how much harder this is for me now than 6 months ago when i detached super hard. Reading a lot has come to make me understand there are a lot of things about myself I need to work on to get healthy again. Not sure if anyone will read this but I just had to get it out.

reef, good for you for continuing to read on the forums. Keep reading and keep posting. And do try to get to Alanon if at all possible.

Keep learning and you'll keep growing and healing.

I went to my first Al anon yesterday. I even shared. It felt good to talk about my story. Sometimes I think its just another break up story and what am I doing in al anon. But If anything it has shown me how I do have issues I need to deal with. I know her behavior did affect me in certain ways; trust being the big thing, being able to live and truly be happy another.
Atalose mentioned earlier about thinking about my issues of self esteem and what not and that has also opened my mind to working on myself and feeling worthy of better things.
Its almost a constant battle between feeling like this all sucks and trusting in love (a general love- for myself, life, and everything in it).
Thank you for reading.

reef, I'm so glad to hear that you went to Alanon and even more glad to hear that you found some help there. I know it took me some time to really start to get the maximum benefit that is available from Alanon, and it may be the same for you, so as you continue to attend, read and share, you may very likely see more and more aspects of the program that seem like they could be of use to you.

For me, that sense of "unworthiness" was, and often still is, pretty pervasive. As an example, I bought a new-ish car last summer, a Kia Soul. It was hardly an extravagant thing, I badly needed a reliable vehicle, and it was well within my budget. But it took me some time to get over the feeling of "who do you think you are to have that nice new car? It's too expensive! You don't really need that, you could have gotten by w/something older, blah, blah, blah." As I say, there was no valid reason for me NOT to have bought that car and many valid ones TO buy it, but there was a persistent inner voice telling me that I didn't need it, I didn't deserve it, it was too nice for someone like me.

Once you start looking, you might be surprised at the ways you find "unworthiness" at work in your life. If you have a chance, you might find that reading some of Brene Brown's writings to be helpful too. I haven't read her newest yet, "Men, Women and Worthiness", but maybe that's exactly where you should start. (Check your local library for her books or CDs; it's likely they have several--that way you can see if they're a good fit for you before you invest.)

Thanks honeypig, I will definitely check out her work!

That's the path to true love and true happiness!!! Glad you went to al-anon and if you keep going and working on YOU it will all get so much easier.

I got a couple books yesterday. Codependent no more, The gifts of imperfection, and Where ever you go there you are (practicing mindfulness). Its getting better to understand MYSELF day by day.

Although I feel a sad about how we parted ways (Last time I saw her was dropping he off at the train station without a hug) and how I was reaching out to her to make me understand when I needed to look inward, its all done-nothing I can do to change it or try to seek more clarity. If it makes her feel good to lie and keep me on the hook somehow that's her deal (seeing similarities and gaining insight from the "Do they know they are lying" thread). I've said my peace even if it meant looking broken hearted and hurt. Those were my feelings and to me they are valid.
In the end its brought to light issues I truly want to work on to achieve what I know I truly deserve.
Thanks for reading, sharing, and commenting. You all are wonderful people!

I think you'll get something out of all of those books, reef--they seem like good choices to me.

Hope you keep reading and posting here, too--there is so much to learn from this site, plus you never know when something you say or a question you ask might be helpful to someone else.

Hang in.

Just found out today that she got engaged to her rehab boyfriend. 2 months after getting out of treatment. Sad day...just when I was starting to feel better about myself. Like I was saying, I don't understand the manipulation, lies, and lack of self awareness on her part. Does this confirm that she wasn't who I thought she was? Yes! I'm Just really in shock.