aliciagr

Thanks Dandy. I looked this one up & it does look interesting. I saw what you meant about being controversial because I looked at some of the feedback, but that's ok. I may go the "old fashioned" route and see if they have it at the library before ordering.

hope778

I had a normal childhood. No addiction/alcoholism in the home I grew up in (although my extended family was riddled with it). Anywho, I do remember being emotional, more emotional than anyone in my family. I struggled with feeling unwanted and not good enough. As I've tried to understand that better, I think it came from my family not showing or talking about emotion. We just kindof kept it together, took care of business, and tried to keep it light and airy. You were expected to keep up and succeed. That hindered me, I think. Now-a-days I am very much so like Kboys in that I am introverted, freeze up when it comes to talking about feelings (that's putting it lightly), and have much difficulty in forming opinions and making decisions. As I got older I realized that making slightly outside of the box decisions (way I dressed, getting tattoos, etc) were mocked in my family (because expression make us all unclmfortable), so I've always felt slightly paralyzed when it came to expressing my individuality. I've become accustomed to being reigned in and just being who others think I should be. This lead me to lack a healthy sense of self. Enter, codependency.

SweetPotato

Oh my story starts a few decades ago. I'm the baby of the family and the only daughter. I grew up poor. Daddy was an alcoholic- the wake up and chug vodka type. But he was kind and affectionate. My mom worked her tail off to support us. She really had no energy left for me. As a kid, I saw my kind father as wonderful and my exhausted mother as neglectful. I would do anything for my dad. My mother... I don't know that I'd call her co dependant or an enabler. She was just fighting to keep us fed and probably always felt on the verge of sinking. Anyway, as I got older, I thought that because I forgave everyone, that meant I was fine. It took a long time before I realized my own unhealthy relationship behaviors. I'm definitely ready to save everyone. In fact, my career is also very related to helping the helpless. But I am working on it.

MyGirlGracie

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, my mother was very co-dependent and my father abusive. He sexually abused me and my step-sister, physically abused my step-brother and thought the sun rose and set in my younger brother. At 13 I told a teacher about my home life and immediately went into the system until I turned 21. The common theme I see here is also that no one spoke of their feelings. Not that we were expected to keep things light, but because feeling betrayed secrets and THAT would not be tolerated. Now, in my mid 50s, I thought that I was my own person because I had survived and "gotten out", but now I know the truth. Growing up in that environment almost hard-wired me to seek approval from others and to attempt to control every aspect of my life. I hate it! I know that my behaviors and thoughts are co-dependent even while they are happening, but I don't know how to change them.

ardy

Hi all.. I keep coming back here and re reading and reading new.. Its hard .. to be a kid and a kid from our types of families even harder... sometimes like today outside early this morning I could smell our back yard .. Mom washing clothes Aunt Alice making bread.. Grand Dad Peterson out in his berry patch. picking early before the heat and they get soft. he would say..
I don't know.. just kept thinking in the 1960's when I grow up I want to be like Mom and Dad . but will do it a little differently.. maybe my kids will grow up better.. well they did to a certain line.. make a hellva a lot more money then my Pop ever did.. and I never would have thought of... Travel they all 3 have passports and have traveled the Big Blue Marble. going east across the Atlantic and going west to the other side of the planet.. each for a different reason.. Moose with his Unit.. Ivan with his mates for travel and computer work.. and my Dear Heart Melly to run away from so much that broke her heart.. and now for work and for fun.. but they each have a Mom you did this wrong Moose is the middle child says he was left out of so much.. Ivan was sick so much.. the 1980's were hard for him.. Melly cheerleader Band 6 flags roller coaster manager.. Kids and Beans they did it all.. a ton of stuff I never would have been allowed to even think about.. I don't say much.. just love them to bits for without them I would never have gotten out of myhouse.. been a clown or stand up or security.. without them I would not have a roof over my head.. but sometimes I wonder what if I had done... and then the thought of breast cancer in 1968 in the fall by myself loams large and I stop. for I would have died... did not know how to tell my Mom of the lump when I found it . and then I got sick so terrible... Pop was afraid his Ardith Ann would die again.. My Mom was just a mess and they both took turns sleeping on a cot at the foot of my bed. for weeks. before surgery and after... Ardith Ann . what if.. and then I hear the song she loved the most and I know she has guided my path.. that I have .. and helped to enjoy the laughter and song and people of my last 50 years... family.. but what if.. If I had not found all of you... what if ... I had not had this support.. been able to think things through .l. what if.. I had not found the right question to ask .. and have my Eddie Lee so much better today..... love you all so much .. my family so far away.. ardy

OT4Kids

I don't know what made me co dependent. I had a good childhood. Neither of my parents are alcoholics or addicts. They have a good relationship and have been married for 52 years.

I am a helper type though and always have been. And have always fallen hard for boyfriends since I was a teenager and had trouble when relationships ended but I was the one who chose to end my 20 year marriage.

FallenAngelina

Enkhecho

Even me parents were living and hard working,I ended up codie in my late adult life. My parents did not abuse alcohol or violence. They worked night and day for feed kids and closest family. However,while parents frequent ang absents affected my half three oldest siblings which caused tensions and hostages among the my aunts and uncles and grandma and eventually caused my parents sad and dysfunction at households. Such as my halfsiblings grudge against my parents and my fathers mother andsiblings. because we all lived in big property by seperated several households.Plus, in my middle school, I was bullied or disrespecte by my classmate boys until ninth grade. Thinking all these things affected me and lost my self confidence. Later my attachments to the unavailable men and became codie.

Eauchiche

Glad this thread got kicked.
The Victorian era is romanticized today as a time when nice people in fine clothes paraded around. We forget that it was full of alcoholism and abuse.
Most of our families have deep-seated cultural norms, for decades, that create codependency.

meldavis99

Well, if I woke up every day and found a puddle of water on my kitchen floor, the solution to that problem would be to clean up the puddle of water. But if I don't want to wake up to the puddle of water on my kitchen floor every day, it would be extremely beneficial to find out the root cause of that puddle.

Anything I've learned in therapy points to finding the root cause of something so you can acknowledge and process it as part of your healing. I think that the same is true with codependency.

I read in some study not too long ago that as much as 50% of the population is codependent to an extent. That's a lot of people that, to an extent, have learned or picked up some unhealthy habits along the way and it's not always indicative of a dysfunctional family dynamic. Plus, with the normalization of mental health care parenting has changed over time to veer away with styles that have seemed innocuous in the past but have shown patterns of being detrimental to child upbringing.

It doesn't always mean you had to experience some serious trauma.

That 50% doesn't necessarily mean that it's crippling like it is for some, but I feel it's worthwhile to understand it's pretty common and understanding the foundations of it in ourselves helps us both reel it in for ourselves, and recognize and set good boundaries when we see it outside of ourselves.

As for your question - when I was 16 or 17 I decided that I never wanted to have kids and the primary reason was that I wanted to break a cycle of family dysfunction. Alcoholism wasn't an issue in our immediate family. My dad didn't drink at all. My mom socially drank with friends/family. Alcohol wasn't really a norm in the house. However, dad was emotionally disconnected and had a strong authoritarian parenting style. And mom was responsible for providing our emotional needs, yet she didn't learn healthy emotional habits from her parents. Instead of teaching us healthy habits, she taught us to compensate for our dad's lack of emotional bonding.

So it makes perfect sense for me where I found the habit of seeking validation via caretaking in a relationship.

Enkhecho

wow really. What we see or read it was all mannerism and decorum.

Jw92

I had a good childhood and before recently I would have described it as a perfect one. I Was loved as a child, cared for, provided for and given extras i.e. holidays, days out, presents on birthdays, christmas ECT. I had loving grandparents and was close with family. I had many friends as a child. Though looking back I don't think I ever felt as good as them. In my family home feelings were not a big thing, unless deemed actually something be sad over i.e a death or physically injuring myself that was visable then I would get told to 'stop crying or il give you something to cry about' 'no point being upset, **** happens'. Sometimes anger was seen as being naughty. I Didn't see parents argue often, no alcohol abuse or substance present though I have one aunt that I know of that is now a recovered alcoholic of 25 years which I have only recently found out about. My dad is a hush hush kind of man, tells his business to not many people, very financially focussed and big on 'family is everything'. Mum's response to me being upset over my first ever break up was "lose weight and you will find someone else". I Always felt a bit looked down on by my mum. Sometimes if we complained about pains or injuries she didn't think was anything serious she would call us dramatic and reluctantly take us to be checked out. Then would come a tantrum if she was correct about it when leaving. My weight was always an issue to my mum, i was put on diets from a young age. One time that sticks in my mind I was around 8-10 years old and we had been swimming, mum made lunch for us all once home and I was put in a seperate room with a slimfast shake. I always got snide comments about my weight, and If I had ever lose any or start a new diet or something she would praise me more and generally seem more happy with me and more friendly. Dad worked nights and slept most of the day so we only spent weekends with him really.
In School I had friends but also wasn't liked by popular people, I wasn't pretty and was fat, I got bullied a bit. I became a loud mouth that would fight people or be overly nice and do everything I could for people in order to be liked or in fear of what would be said if I'd have said no. This combined left me with a distorted self image, low self esteem, a need to people please or help everyone with everything, an inability to say no, irrational behaviours and coping mechanisms such as wearing a coat in 30 degree heat because it acts as a safety net for me, and what I thought of at the time and diagnosed social anxiety. I am a perfectionist and like things right, I get obsessed about being organized to the point if something slightly changes I get so stressed out and worked up. I became overly independent i.e. moving out of the family home at 15, wanting to do everything for myself and relying on no one to the point I won't ask for help even if it means absolutely exhausting myself. Met my A when I had just turned 20 (10 years ago). As I'm sure most of you can relate to living with that has brought its own traumas and I feel all of this combined and then living with active alcoholism for all these years has been the catalyst for me becoming the codependent adult that I am today.

dbyrer

Reading an old post of yours on a resurrected thread. Lots of helpful insights describing your childhood. I am sorry your father was such an a** and your mother was unable to protect you from him. Sounds like she had clinical depression or possibly another mental illness. Kudos to you for looking after yourself and much love to you.

velma929

Codependency was just one star in my constellation.

My childhood was actually pretty good, but I can remember a couple times my dad got really drunk. Were there more that I don't consciously recall? Maybe. It certainly made it easier for me to see the excess drinking as not terribly unusual, as Dad didn't have an OUI until I was 40, and at that point, I'd been married over ten years.

I was always kind of a loner, and didn't make friends easily. In spite of having a pretty carefree home life, I was nearsighted, flat-chested and socially awkward. I don't know if my parents didn't notice, or they just thought it wasn't unusual. High school was not fun. I had maybe a half dozen dates in high school, not many in college, either. I was afraid I would never marry and spend my life alone. When I met AH, it would have been nice if someone close to me had taken me aside and said, "You've only known one another six months. You've only had one other boyfriend." But I wasn't close enough to anyone for someone to say that. And who would say that to a 28-year-old?

Shouldgo

I grew up is a normal loving household. My parents are 50 years married and still hold hands and kiss each other before leaving the house, it is so nice to see.

I think my codependency is very much self inflicted, we moved country when I was thirteen and I was desperate to fit in. I became a people pleaser, little or no self confidence and still struggle with imposter syndrome today. I am working on it but it is hard. I have read the Beattie book years ago, maybe it’s time for another read. I will also look up some of the others you all have suggested. Thanks

VickersLemmy

An interesting question. My parents never drank. My Dad, when I was very young, had 3 part-time jobs to make ends meet. My Mom worked a full-time job in healthcare. There was my older sister as well so a family of 4 and we lived in the North West Territories. Money was very tight, living up in the NWT was so expensive. My Mom was violent, she beat me the most, since I was the smallest in the family. My sister would always try to take the brunt of her violence. My Mom would make us clean the house constantly, sometimes with a bleach/water mix with no gloves to use. We were never good enough - we didn't clean enough, we weren't polite enough. My Mom was big on appearances and would take us out to work socials, have us sing songs and look nice. If we didn't do things fast enough, she'd beat my sister and I. She did this in secret, told us not to tell our Dad. One she was so angry at me, she threw a video tape at me. It was thrown so hard it left a dent in the wall, you could fit your thumb in it. My Dad saw it, starting asking what was happening when he was working so much. He started to keep an eye and things unraveled for my Mom.

I needed my Mom's validation growing up - I would constantly look to her, seeing if I was doing things right, if I 'passed muster' appearance wise. I would do everything I could think of to keep her in a good mood. I remember coming home from swimming lessons with my sister, standing outside our front door. I'd think, and I'm 6-7 years old, praying my Mom would be in a good mood. I remember weekends were the absolute worst - she had the weekends off and we'd be forced to do chores, paint rooms we weren't taught how to paint properly and she'd beat us for doing it wrong. I remember being 5 and its Saturday morning and I didn't flush because it'd wake her early and I didn't want her to wake up, fearful of her and having to deal with her volatile moods. To this day, I still find it difficult to flush between full dark and 7AM. I still do it, but its hard.

My Dad eventually told her to stop when he realized what exactly was going on or he'd take my sister and I away. She did, and then right after e moved to BC when I was 8, my younger brothers were both around 1 at this point. My Mom did a 180 degree turn around in the new home town, she treated my brothers lovingly and never once abused them. I was thankful, relieved so very much. I went to counselling last year, first time ever. It was the next town away, 90KM from my hometown. I couldn't be fully honest because I was still so scared it'd somehow get back to my Mom that I told someone about how abusive she used to be. To be honest, I'm scared this will somehow get back to her as well. She's a different person now, she prickles at being reminded of how she used to be. If she's uncomfortable, she stonewalls you for a few days and my alcoholic ex would do that to in his 3-4 days of alcohol withdrawl recover days and the stonewalling made me so anxious. I'd try to gain favor back, try to get them 'back online'. My brothers occassionally ask how she was when my sister and I were younger and I say she was violent but she's a different person now. My sister hasn't forgiven her yet. I somewhat forgave my Mom.

I'm going to have to do a lot of work to get over these unhealthy patterns I've learned when it comes to love. My friendships are okay, I know when to leave a friendship behind. Relationships on the other hand, its a whole different ballgame and I seem to fall into the outward validation and needing outside sources of reassurance. I'm always people pleasing and being detrimentally helpful at the cost of my mental health, financial wellness, costing the core of me, basically.

I'm a mess - yeeshhhhh, just typing it out, I'm ashamed at how messy I am. Don't judge me ;><; I've had a lifetime to reflect on the effects of my childhood. Its time to address it now.

- V

trailmix

I cannot imagine anyone judging you? You had a horrendous time, you were a victim of what is, basically, a crime. Why would anyone want to judge you for that?

You know, the first time I married (when I was 19), I married someone who hit me. Now, looking at it from where I am now, it seems ludicrous, but at the time it didn't. If anyone wanted to judge me for that, well I would have zero time to spend on them.

It is hard working breaking some of those reactions and actions we have from living with dysfunction, but you will get there, no doubt about that. I know I don't know you well but even just from what you have written, I can see you are heading that way. That's good, it will make you feel better.

Maybe start by not thinking badly of yourself. When people talk about negative self talk, it all sounds a bit "out there" well it did to me anyway. Until I started to really practice not doing that anymore. If I start to think negatively about myself, I stop and say - we aren't going there!

You're not a mess, you just are who you are and that is absolutely ok. The fact that you want to work on some things is separate and good as well.