aliciagr

There are a lot of people on this site who choose to let go of 18 year olds to let them experience the consequences of their behavior including drinking and drug use. In Alanon its called the 3 C's You didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it. A legal adult has a right to make their own choices.

AnvilheadII

A legal adult has a right to make their own choices.

does that not also apply to the HUSBAND with the 6 DUIs?????

the 17 year old CHILD has already been arrested for underage drinking. see a pattern???

hopeful4

As I said, while 18 may be legal, a child's mind does not mature and think like an adult until age 25. Medical fact.

Good luck to you and yours

TropicalWinter

I guarantee you that a huge part of your daughter being a "nightmare" is growing up in an alcoholic household.

Your other children are at an EXTREMELY high risk of following that exact same path, or some other equally difficult/problematic path, because they are growing up in an alcoholic household.

Alcoholism is a family disease. Its effects are devastating to everyone involved. You have a choice to stay in that environment. Your children don't have that choice, and growing up in an alcoholic household is so horribly toxic for kids.

Ladybird579

just want to put it out there that I am not leaving my husband. I refuse to go on "public assistance".

There are worse things than public assistance..like how you are all living now and your children who have no choice in this and will probably end up like your AH as your eldest seems to be doing. I went on welfare to get out of a similar situation and I have not regretted it.

Ladybird579

There are a lot of people on this site who choose to let go of 18 year olds to let them experience the consequences of their behavior including drinking and drug use.

My sons are 18 but they are not adults in their heads. Most 18 year olds are not and the child in question is 17. They still need guidance, love and support. Not throwing to the wolves. I cannot believe some of what am reading here today.

AnvilheadII

my mom was glad to get rid of me too............i'm 57 and it still hurts.

Ladybird579

((hugs)) Me too. I was 17 when I had to fend for myself.

aliciagr

I wrote the above Ladybird. I was not passing judgment on the decision being right or wrong. Its a persona l choice. Im just saying its a fact there are many people on this site who have decided to let go - of someone who is young but of legal age. I think the poster said within weeks her daughter would be 18.

But truthfully, Ive also heard that maturity can stop when addiction starts, and many people who are addicted have had dysfunctional beginnings and possibly suffered emotional traumas. Plus, we know alcohol and other drugs affect the brain. Its ability to reason and apply logic. So in my mind people of varying ages need guidance, love and support. I know my husband did.

totallytrying

I think what people are questioning was her "letting go" of the 18-year-old daughter who has grown up in the turmoil of an alcoholic household, but to defend to the death the husband with 6 DUIs who has CAUSED the turmoil for the daughter in the first place. Why does the 25-year alcoholic with six arrests need "guidance, love and support" but the teenager doesn't?

LexieCat

Yes, I think it's a question of where one expends limited emotional energy and resources. Daughter may not be an alcoholic, nor headed for alcoholism. It does seem, though, that she is crying out for attention, and I'd suspect over the years of dealing with a someone in the household who keeps things in a constant state of chaos, going in and out of rehab, repeated arrests and now possibly headed for prison, she and the other kids have probably not received a fraction of the attention and household resources they would without all this drama.

It seems like Dad has firmly chosen his path, daughter is just finding hers.

aliciagr

I understand. I agree. Roses would have to answer, but I feel from reading her post she is deeply concerned over her ability to care for her other children without his financial support. We dont really know much about their situation, standard of living. I may be wrong but I suspect many people choose to stay in relationships with alcohol or drug issues for this very reason. Weighing the good vs. the bad. I really am just trying to be supportive because I know we all have our own challenges and from my own experience I know there was initially a sense of panic, and slowly other things began to enter my mind. I have been trying to think what it would be like to have 3 kids and suddenly husband is removed and there is no income. I can understand why this would be incredibly scary, and shut me off from thinking of much else.

Refiner

I didn't read (or notice) there were other children involved. Gods I hope not. I think it's excellent for the 18 yo to high tail it out of there even if she's already a drinker. Her odds will be better with a 21 yo than with a 6x DUI Dad and Mother who enables him. I understand you are backing him to keep your gravy train afloat but you need to be realistic that he's facing some time where he can't provide. Do you have a plan for that scenario?

TropicalWinter

Yesterday she stated that she has 3 other children.

PuzzledHeart

I agree with you alicia. The danger is that you spend so much of your time and energy over the things you can't control because you don't want to take responsibility for the things you can. It's an escape mechanism. And you have to avoid that trap. And unless somebody points out the trap, it's so sneaky that you're not aware that you're walking straight into it.

I often wonder why I focused so much on my sister's behavior when my mom and dad got sick. I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I just accepted her the way that she was, and just concentrated on taking care of my parents and my family. Now my parents are better, I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time thinking of my sister, whose behavior I can't control, instead of thinking of the "scarier" stuff, like my career, which is definitely something I can steer in the direction I choose.

I think it's a good idea, no matter what, to have financial resources lined up if one parent is the primary breadwinner. Let's forget about the actual circumstances for a second. Illness, accident, death - there are just too many things that can happen. I always shudder when I hear a story of a family financially struggling after the primary breadwinner dies because he/she didn't get life insurance.

Roses, at least you've been given a warning. It's scary and it sucks, but if you play your cards right, your kids will be grateful that you did your best to take care of them against the odds. You won't be able to do that if you spend your energy on your husband, who decided a long time ago that the bottle was his priority. It shouldn't be that way, but his alcoholism has forced you to make a choice.

aliciagr

This. So True.

With myself, I try to look at the future and ask what will life with my husband be like. And truthfully, there could be a series of tragedies just like Roses has experienced ahead for me if I choose to stay with my husband. And if I dont see the warning signs and accept them soon enough. (which is what I also know people have warned me of here on SR)

And Roses, I dont mean this as a criticism. I know right now you must feel panicked. And think if he can escape the consequence of jail then he can work, etc etc. But I am curious, what you have felt as you have seen these legal issues keep piling up. The risk for his job loss has been around for a while due to this. If you feel like sharing, you can talk about it.

atalose

I think “suddenly” is not the case here. Nothing is sudden after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 DUI’s and losing one’s driver’s license for life YET continuing to drive despite that fact and continuing to drink daily while at work. That’s playing Russian roulette with not only strangers lives on the road but with the welfare and well being of your own family.

It’s like a smoke alarm constantly going off and you constantly ignore it with hope that the building doesn’t really burn down. And when it does, you can’t complain you didn’t know that that might happen.

Ladybird579

I think I am passing judgement if I am honest....not you. I think children come first. They did not ask to be born into these dysfunctional families and I include my own children here. I was no saint but I never, ever put them last over my exah. He hated me for that too. He was like a whiny toddler. I don't agree with letting go while the parent panders to the alcoholic adult instead and gives them all the support. It's selfish. Imo they need to let go of the alcoholic adult cos the dysfunction of the children stems from the alcoholic behaviour and what the children have seen growing up. I was lucky cos mine are not drinkers...not one of them but they suffered in other ways. I also kept him away from them as we had a massive house and my exah basically lived in one part of it alone.

I know it's not easy changing things cos there is always an excuse why not, he earns money, I'd have to live on less, we'd have to move house, I cant give up cos I'd have to admit to people and myself I'd made a mistake etc or simply I love him or her and will stick it out to the bitter end come hell or high water. People try to minimise the impact on their kids lives. They blame them for acting out. I see it a lot on here ( other threads ) and it is very frustrating to read.

I agree maturity can stop when addiction starts( my exah is stuck at 14) but the vicious circle needs to be broken or it will just carry on generation after generation.