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Husband In Detox And Scared Of Court

Old 06-08-2017, 12:34 PM
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I can't imagine how stressed out you are. Keep posting about it, there's tremendous support. Alanon is a lifesaver, at least it was for me. A big hug.
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Old 06-08-2017, 01:46 PM
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My daughter will be 18 this summer and plans on moving in with her boyfriend who is 21 and lives in his parents basement. As far as I'm concerned, she is on her own and can drink if she wants.

So you've washed your hand of your daughter's drinking cos she's technically an adult ( your quote) but you still continue to enable your husband and allow him to have free rein in your home as an active alcoholic under the guise of being "sick" with all the mayhem and upset that entails on a daily basis. What exactly do you think will happen to your younger kids once they are your daughter's age ( or younger) if this situation continues? It is not a coincidence your daughter has issues with alcohol.
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Old 06-08-2017, 04:39 PM
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What outcome are you hoping for? I understand he has been to rehab numerous times.
The best outcome would be to find him not guilty so he can return to his job and Celebrate Recovery at our church that he has dabbled in. AA never worked for him and I estimate he has been to more than 50 meetings over the years. I feel if my daughter wants to play "grown up" I give her that chance. 18 is legal for a lot of things. The constant fighting between my husband and her have taken their toll on me. Many here seem to relish in having my husband go to prison. I just don't understand that and is not a given. The State has the burden of proof and it will be kind of hard when he denied all sobriety tests and the machine at the station. Denial of the alcohol machine results in a mandatory license suspension. Which I find a bit redundant as he is never going to have a license anyways the rest of his life. Financially his incarceration would ruin our family regarding finances.
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Old 06-08-2017, 04:56 PM
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I commend you for continuing to post, I know that it must be difficult to read some of the responses. I don't feel like people here are "relishing" him going to prison, to me it's more like they're looking at the reality of the situation, as much as can be understood from what you've posted.
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Old 06-08-2017, 05:31 PM
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rosesarered,
I don’t think anyone here relishes the thought of your husband going to jail. I think what I don’t understand is that it seems like you feel he shouldn’t. Every time he drives under the influence, he is putting everyone on the road in danger. Judging by the number of DUI’s he has been charged with, it doesn’t appear that he is remorseful. He has already had his licensed revoked for life, that has not stopped him from driving. I think the next step in punishment is obviously jail time. When I read your posts, it seems that you are defending that. I understand that you are in fear for your family and your finances. I really do feel for you. I don’t think this should be something you didn’t see coming. Did you not think this day would come?

My heart hurts for your daughter. I don’t think anyone can grow up in a home with alcoholism and not be affected by it somehow. It appears your daughter may be headed down the same road. I hope she sees this before it turns into full blown alcoholism. I know that may be hard to read but believe me, I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. When my son was 17, he started dabbling with addiction. I thought it was just experimenting and was not too alarmed by it. After all, I was so wrapped up in trying to keep the household together and tip toeing around an alcoholic husband that I never clearly saw the signs. I don’t think any underage arrest should be taken lightly. She is already more susceptible to addictive tendencies due to her genetics, compound that with the emotional distress of growing up with active alcoholism and that’s not a very good combination. It truly is a family disease. No one gets out unscathed.

You said that he has tried AA and it didn’t work for him. You then said that he has attended some Celebrate Recovery. That is also a 12 step program. What makes you think that will work for him? I think you posted that his drinking increased after this last arrest. Is he now sober? I ask this truly trying to understand where you are coming from. AA also didn’t work for my husband…..until he wanted it. Until he wanted recovery and sobriety more than anything. When you hear and read that “recovery looks like recovery”, that is true. When you see it, it is unmistakable.

Have you ever tried Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery for yourself? It was and still is a life line for me. Please keep reading and posting.
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Old 06-08-2017, 06:21 PM
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Big hugs to you Roses. Oh boy do I get the financial aspects of DUI's, so sorry you are going through this! I found that nothing I said or did on behalf of my husbands legal issues or detox and rehab decisions spared our family from the downfall initially. What I found that helped me and my 2 sons the most was to gift money to them before it was all gone (it wasn't a lot, but enough to help us feel safe should we have to uproot and move at any given time without AH). Things are not easy at all. I have one son working now, still living with me, but have asked him to keep his money separate until the divorce is final. My other son had to quit college this spring term and is looking for work. We make due with a small salary I make and are considered below poverty level, yet not below enough to qualify for assistance....crazy as it is I am happy about that.

You can do this Roses, but you need to do for you and the kids first because you cannot pull him out of the clutches of his disease, he has to, otherwise you are wasting your time and precious resources. As much as it seems counter productive in a marriage, the only hope he has is for YOU to let him take care of HIS business (rehab, legal issues with the dui/court/jail, detox), while YOU take care of YOU and the kids without counting on his help. Please keep updating us on how it's going and look into Alanon!
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Old 06-08-2017, 06:31 PM
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let's do the math:
first dui in '95, it's now 2017, 22 years.
50 meetings.
average? 2 meetings per YEAR.

that's like going to the gym two times a year and saying it doesn't work.

for some reason you seem unable to recognize how serious the problem is. you say your daughter wants to play grown up, at 18, and you look forward to her departure based on the fights she had with her drunk father. repeatedly you DEFEND your AH, in spite of the evidence of the damage HE has created.

i don't relish the thought of your partner going to prison, but i feel that the drunk driving laws HAVE to be tightened up. SIX driving while under the influence arrests is about six too many. obviously he isn't getting the message. what if his 7th is vehicular homicide?? we are talking public safety here.
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Old 06-08-2017, 06:42 PM
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I have removed hostile, accusative posts which are not allowed. Post only personal experience with the subject at hand. If you can not be supportive and positive then do not post.

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Old 06-08-2017, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by rosesarered34 View Post
What outcome are you hoping for? I understand he has been to rehab numerous times.
The best outcome would be to find him not guilty so he can return to his job and Celebrate Recovery at our church that he has dabbled in. AA never worked for him and I estimate he has been to more than 50 meetings over the years. I feel if my daughter wants to play "grown up" I give her that chance. 18 is legal for a lot of things. The constant fighting between my husband and her have taken their toll on me. Many here seem to relish in having my husband go to prison. I just don't understand that and is not a given. The State has the burden of proof and it will be kind of hard when he denied all sobriety tests and the machine at the station. Denial of the alcohol machine results in a mandatory license suspension. Which I find a bit redundant as he is never going to have a license anyways the rest of his life. Financially his incarceration would ruin our family regarding finances.
Roses,

Addiction is a serious illness, and Im sorry that it has your husband in its grasp. I agree with you that he needs treatment. There are many options for people these days. My husband didnt like AA either and wouldnt even stay in the rehab due to the philosophy. He found help in therapy instead. What I was taught is that recovery is often a process of change, not one big bomb dropped on someone. So I hope your husband will find recovery even though its been lost to him so far. I am not going to comment on his legal issues. Everyone deserves to have representation through the courts is all I will say.

I am worried about you and your kids financially. Do you have any Plan B in case your family does lose his income? You might speak with a professional to see if there are any precautions you can take now that would might preserve your home, or other assets. Just a thought
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Old 06-09-2017, 07:13 AM
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Roses, I don't think anyone here is excited about your pain, I think we all feel for you and are concerned for you and your family's future. No matter what happens, you and your kids will survive. There's government assistance for a reason. You will make it through this whether he's convicted or not.

DUI refusals are not hard to prove, law enforcement is trained to spot the signs, and their testimony in court is usually very convincing. I'm not trying to be negative, but I work for a law firm that specializes in DUIs and divorces and my AH is a cop so I'm very familiar with it. I hope that your husband gets the help he needs and I hope only the best for you and your family. I know it's hard, but you have already been so strong, you'll get through this.
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Old 06-09-2017, 08:32 AM
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I understand the financial devastation to your family if he does go to jail. I hope that you at least somehow prepare for that now as a possibility. I don't know what the solution is for your husband, but living this has to be painful for you. I have a child who is almost 18 as well. I stress CHILD because even though that may be the legal age, certainly they are not grown up. Their brains do not mature until age 25. That is a medical fact.

I hope you reach out through therapy or a program yourself. I also hope that since there is not much you can do for your husband at this point, that you put some of that focus on your daughter and what she is going through. Living in a home with an alcoholic or even with difficult relationships is a hard thing to do. Don't give up on her.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:24 AM
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My husband was released from detox this morning. He does not want to do another rehab so the Dr. suggested Antabuse which I will have to give him every morning with his breakfast. It will make him physically sick if he drinks and if he refuses to take it I will grind into his food. He also was giving 2 weeks worth of Valium for his anxiety although I heard you can abuse that. I just want to put it out there that I am not leaving my husband. I refuse to go on "public assistance". My husband has been at the same job for more than 10 yrs. Not too bad for a drunk. I think he needs to work more to get his mind off things and, to be honest, (as someone said) a jury trial is going to be extremely costly. With the daughter moving out it will be one less mouth to feed at least. She has been a nightmare since the age of 15 and I have tried everything to help her.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:25 AM
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wow.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:28 AM
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Godspeed and good luck.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:30 AM
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I'm not trying to be mean or be rude, but him going to prison is a possibility, and you need to be prepared to financially survive without him for a while. It's always good to prepare for ALL possibilities. Pride is a very dangerous thing, there is no shame in needing help, that's why it's there. A lot of my clients have to go on government assistance and it doesn't make them any less wonderful than they are, or any less important. Heck I've been on food stamps and it certainly didn't make me any less significant than anyone else.

If your husband is going to get sober he's going to have to want to. You can't do it for him.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:47 AM
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I don't have any words. May God watch over all of you.
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Old 06-09-2017, 10:53 AM
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Putting drugs into someone's food without their knowledge is a crime. Did you know that if you drink on Antabuse it's possible to DIE? So if he thinks he's simply safe to drink because he's not taking it, you could literally poison/kill him?

I think it's a terrible idea for you to have ANYTHING to do with whether he takes it, but if you want to be the nurse/warden, I guess that's up to you. But do NOT sneak it into his food.
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Old 06-09-2017, 11:03 AM
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So...your daughter who has been a "nightmare" for three years (while being a child of an active alcoholic with all the chaos and mixed messages that entails) and who is physiologically still not an adult, she's out the door to the wolves and you're fine with that.

Your husband...who is technically an adult, has been an active alcoholic for 25 years, has had six DUIs, has put unknown numbers of people in danger driving drunk, and had a recent BAC of .35 (it's amazing he was conscious, the next step up has a high risk of coma or death)...him you're protecting and covering for.

What's wrong with this picture?
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Old 06-09-2017, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by rosesarered34 View Post
The best outcome would be to find him not guilty so he can return to his job and Celebrate Recovery at our church that he has dabbled in. AA never worked for him and I estimate he has been to more than 50 meetings over the years. .
ive been a member of AA for 12 years now. if i just went to meetings, it wouldnt work for me either. AA working requires working the steps
"dabbling" in celebrate recovery wouldnt work either.
i had to be proactive- i had to make it work.

which being proactive has led me to be a member of AA for 12 years of continuous sobriety.

HOWEVER
i had enablers/codependants in my life before i got into AA. i had people making excuses for me and allowing me to continue the same active alcoholic behavior.
i had no true reason to want to stop drinking as long as i had people helping dig my grave.

pretty wild how after i got sober i learned im also a codie.
HOWEVER
that took getting out of denial about, which took me getting to the point where the pain of enabling/ practicing codependency was worse than the pain of reality.
AND
getting out of denial required some very loving people( both here and in real life) using their crowbars to pop my head outta my but.

rosesarered, im sure many here can agree that its hard to read the enabling/codependency and denial.
i truly hope that sometime real soon you get out of denial. enabling an alcoholic to continue the same behavior, and rationalizating are destroying you AND your daughter.

and neither of you deserve it.
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Old 06-09-2017, 11:17 AM
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The really great thing about this site, whether you choose to see it or not, is that the people here have a lot of knowledge about alcoholism and its effects on others. Things that I used to see as "progress" was really my AH telling me what I wanted to hear, and I used to post it here SO EXCITED just to be told that I am not the special snowflake I thought I was. These people have lived through situations much like yours, and a lot of them have really great advice, but you have to be willing to hear it and change yourself.
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