Get Over It
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Get Over It
I think that is the most hurtful thing I've heard come out of his mouth since he's been sober. Like Get Over It. It feels like my feelings don't matter. What I have been through is not that bad. That I am living in the past and the more I dwell on it, the longer it will take for me to be happy, with him. That he can make me happy if I just get over it.
I used to stuff my feelings down and move on. I used to give him chance after chance only for things to go right back to the same ole same ole. I'm tired of stuffing and I'm tired of laying my neck down on a table and him taking a whack at it! He feels that I should not be allowed to feel the absolute betrayal. I have no idea why?! I know it makes him feel bad but I need him to know exactly what I'm going through and his compassion would go a long ways... if he could actually feel compassion towards me. And I think a big reason why he cant is because of his traumatic brain injury.
He asked me earlier, What are you doing? I told him, Watching a documentary on Netflix. He said, Very interesting. Ya know, this would be a lot easier if you were sitting in your chair next to me. To which I replied... Yeah, I tried to get there to no avail. I was knocking but nobody was home. He said, I am now but your not knocking. I said, You're going to start something you want no parts of. He said, I'm going to go! I don't want to get serious.
It's almost like he can't handle the truth of the matter. He tried to tell me he was not an alcoholic the other day. I told him, You're in DENIAL!
I am really enjoying my new home for what it's worth. I had my granddaughter for 2 days. We went swimming at Pap's (AH) and we ate there and then we came home to enjoy each other, played with playdough and Barbies, watched cartoons on Netflix and cut grass. I won't keep her from him. She loves him. But I won't leave her alone with him because of his attention span due to TBI brought on by his alcoholism.
If he sobered up, he still has the TBI to deal with. That in itself is a whole other ball game. What a ride this has been.
I used to stuff my feelings down and move on. I used to give him chance after chance only for things to go right back to the same ole same ole. I'm tired of stuffing and I'm tired of laying my neck down on a table and him taking a whack at it! He feels that I should not be allowed to feel the absolute betrayal. I have no idea why?! I know it makes him feel bad but I need him to know exactly what I'm going through and his compassion would go a long ways... if he could actually feel compassion towards me. And I think a big reason why he cant is because of his traumatic brain injury.
He asked me earlier, What are you doing? I told him, Watching a documentary on Netflix. He said, Very interesting. Ya know, this would be a lot easier if you were sitting in your chair next to me. To which I replied... Yeah, I tried to get there to no avail. I was knocking but nobody was home. He said, I am now but your not knocking. I said, You're going to start something you want no parts of. He said, I'm going to go! I don't want to get serious.
It's almost like he can't handle the truth of the matter. He tried to tell me he was not an alcoholic the other day. I told him, You're in DENIAL!
I am really enjoying my new home for what it's worth. I had my granddaughter for 2 days. We went swimming at Pap's (AH) and we ate there and then we came home to enjoy each other, played with playdough and Barbies, watched cartoons on Netflix and cut grass. I won't keep her from him. She loves him. But I won't leave her alone with him because of his attention span due to TBI brought on by his alcoholism.
If he sobered up, he still has the TBI to deal with. That in itself is a whole other ball game. What a ride this has been.
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That would be great for all concerned, wouldn't it?
Collective amnesia.
You forget prior bad acts. I forget that I did them.
Win win.
Alas, doesn't happen.
Keep on speaking your truth and enjoying the little things.
Peace.
Collective amnesia.
You forget prior bad acts. I forget that I did them.
Win win.
Alas, doesn't happen.
Keep on speaking your truth and enjoying the little things.
Peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
That would be great for all concerned, wouldn't it?
Collective amnesia.
You forget prior bad acts. I forget that I did them.
Win win.
Alas, doesn't happen.
Keep on speaking your truth and enjoying the little things.
Peace.
Collective amnesia.
You forget prior bad acts. I forget that I did them.
Win win.
Alas, doesn't happen.
Keep on speaking your truth and enjoying the little things.
Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
I
I am really enjoying my new home for what it's worth. I had my granddaughter for 2 days. We went swimming at Pap's (AH) and we ate there and then we came home to enjoy each other, played with playdough and Barbies, watched cartoons on Netflix and cut grass. I won't keep her from him. She loves him. But I won't leave her alone with him because of his attention span due to TBI brought on by his alcoholism.
I am really enjoying my new home for what it's worth. I had my granddaughter for 2 days. We went swimming at Pap's (AH) and we ate there and then we came home to enjoy each other, played with playdough and Barbies, watched cartoons on Netflix and cut grass. I won't keep her from him. She loves him. But I won't leave her alone with him because of his attention span due to TBI brought on by his alcoholism.
From what I understand of the situation, "Get over it" won't work as "it" is still in progress.
Hug to you brave one.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
I think that is the most hurtful thing I've heard come out of his mouth since he's been sober. Like Get Over It. It feels like my feelings don't matter. What I have been through is not that bad. That I am living in the past and the more I dwell on it, the longer it will take for me to be happy, with him. That he can make me happy if I just get over it.
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Originally Posted by Dontreallycare
BoxinRotz, were you in my house this morning? My STBXAH (supposedly recovering) said almost the exact same thing to me. He keeps trying to get me to agree that the person he is now (sober for 23 days) is the person he will be for the rest of his life and would I marry the person he is now? It's like he wants to forget the past. As he keeps saying, "There were some good times too. Why can't you focus on those?" He thinks any night that he wasn't falling down drunk or punching holes in walls was a good night.
I've worked to hard for my place to just give it up for a nightmare. I keep hearing him say, Well that's what alcoholics do sweetheart. You should know this by now. And as scary as those words are to hear, he's right and I don't have to be there. I liken those words to a captor who tells his victim or hostage in a soothing voice, it's going to be ok while I slowly kill you over the next several years and then kisses you on the forehead and pulls you close to satisfy their every need.
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p
I cannot imagine saying "get over it" to someone I've hurt. Even when they're sober, they can be so cruel.
I don't know your entire back story, BoxinRotz, but is no contact a possibility?
I don't know your entire back story, BoxinRotz, but is no contact a possibility?
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I don't think it's "almost like" he can't handle the truth of the matter. I think he can't. Not right now anyway. And that's just more information for you. But his insistence that you get over it is entirely about him and his denial than you or your feelings. But I think you know that already.
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Location: Florida
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I think this is one of the most hurtful phrases I've ever heard - and I HAVE heard it. I'll never forget because *this* particular awareness (Ok, argument) hit full-force right in the middle of a family vacation & culminated in me leaving RAH in the middle of Epcot so I could get enough distance to drop the rope long enough to not ruin every remaining moment for DD.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I don't think it's "almost like" he can't handle the truth of the matter. I think he can't. Not right now anyway. And that's just more information for you. But his insistence that you get over it is entirely about him and his denial than you or your feelings. But I think you know that already.
I'm like really?!
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STBXH didn't like when I brought up the past either. He either couldn't see my side of an issue or didn't want to. I think when there's alcohol involved it distorts their memories or causes blackouts that they can't remember. It doesn't excuse their behavior but your still the one left dealing with the consequences. How do you want to deal with it or use the information? Do you need more time to discuss it? Do you need a counselor?
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Really? Is a good response, I think.
Sometimes I go to my mom's house. Alcohol addicted sib is there, drunk ad a skunk, quacking away.
I tell him to go to bed, he's drunk.
No, I'm not, he says.
Really?
Sometimes I go to my mom's house. Alcohol addicted sib is there, drunk ad a skunk, quacking away.
I tell him to go to bed, he's drunk.
No, I'm not, he says.
Really?
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Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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Are you going to alanon? I found it helped so much with the "quacking"
and brought me alot of peace. My sponsor is an old-timer, double winner
and the main "angel" in my life right now. I don't know all of your
back story, maybe you are going?
Someone on this forum (sorry I don't remember) said the A's insistence
on "getting over it" and get back to the usual dysfunction, was like giving them another bullet cause they
missed you the first time........
The primary purpose of quacking is to protect their drinking.
Doesn't have to be true (rarely is),or remotely close to the truth. It
leads to arguing & drama, of which the primary purpose is.....
to protect the drinking. Anyone getting dizzy???
Take care of you, give yourself what you need. Hugs
and brought me alot of peace. My sponsor is an old-timer, double winner
and the main "angel" in my life right now. I don't know all of your
back story, maybe you are going?
Someone on this forum (sorry I don't remember) said the A's insistence
on "getting over it" and get back to the usual dysfunction, was like giving them another bullet cause they
missed you the first time........
The primary purpose of quacking is to protect their drinking.
Doesn't have to be true (rarely is),or remotely close to the truth. It
leads to arguing & drama, of which the primary purpose is.....
to protect the drinking. Anyone getting dizzy???
Take care of you, give yourself what you need. Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You can my name to the list of spouses who have been told to "get over it".
It is extremely hurtful and dismissive...yet another disrespectful 'slap in the face' to add to the long list of other transgressions.
When my AXH and I were breaking up, through my tears I asked him if he "would just imagine himself in my shoes.. for just five minutes"..... his response was, " Why the F*** would I want to do that?!?!", said with an angry and scornful expression on his face.
I guess it stands to reason though, they can't even handle their own feelings, I suppose it's irrational of us to think they could acknowledge ours. But damn does it hurt when someone you love so much refuses to realize the hell they've put you through. I used to have hope, that one day, even though we are divorced, that he would see the light and truly make amends. I've given up on that. I don't think he is capable of seeing past his own selfish "needs'.
Life is so much better now that I don't live in that chaos. Never again will anyone ever cause me that level of anxiety and stay in my life. NOBODY, EVER.
It is extremely hurtful and dismissive...yet another disrespectful 'slap in the face' to add to the long list of other transgressions.
When my AXH and I were breaking up, through my tears I asked him if he "would just imagine himself in my shoes.. for just five minutes"..... his response was, " Why the F*** would I want to do that?!?!", said with an angry and scornful expression on his face.
I guess it stands to reason though, they can't even handle their own feelings, I suppose it's irrational of us to think they could acknowledge ours. But damn does it hurt when someone you love so much refuses to realize the hell they've put you through. I used to have hope, that one day, even though we are divorced, that he would see the light and truly make amends. I've given up on that. I don't think he is capable of seeing past his own selfish "needs'.
Life is so much better now that I don't live in that chaos. Never again will anyone ever cause me that level of anxiety and stay in my life. NOBODY, EVER.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Yep, I've also heard that numerous times. The worst minimization of someone else's feelings.
The next time I hear it, I'd really like to tell him to get over himself, that he is not the be-all, end-all, center of the universe. Not sure how well that'd go over! (lol)
The next time I hear it, I'd really like to tell him to get over himself, that he is not the be-all, end-all, center of the universe. Not sure how well that'd go over! (lol)
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
When my AXH and I were breaking up, through my tears I asked him if he "would just imagine himself in my shoes.. for just five minutes"..... his response was, " Why the F*** would I want to do that?!?!", said with an angry and scornful expression on his face.
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He wanted me to bring the dogs over because he kept one and I said ok. He texted me today and told me not to bring them over. I said I was going to because I could use the financial break of feeding them and he told me...
Drum roll please...
You should have thought about that before you left!
Drum roll please...
You should have thought about that before you left!
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