Two to Tango
 

Everytime I sit down and start talking about the latest thing that Abf is doing (or not doing), I am reminded that I am no different and eek...it's like a gut punch.

Yesterday I was sitting on the stoop outside with my sis as she asked me how things are with Abf. I always tell her, embarrassingly, that they are embarrassingly exactly the same. That he is not actively drinking (for today) but that he is also not doing anything to ensure that he doesn't pick it up for bender #3,987. I also promise myself I won't start talking about his behavior because when I do, I can hear the other echo in her voice of..."well that's what I would ask you. you criticize his behavior so much and seem surprised at what he does, but I have the same issue of you....you are trying to make sense of why he doesn't act like a normal person, well I am trying to make sense of why you don't act like a normal person by allowing him in your life".

Have you been there describing your situation and felt like an absolute fraud?

I have had those moments but my takeaway was different. I took it all as clear signs of exactly what needed to change on my side of things. I saw the need for accountability to my side of the tango and realized that I had to choose to stop dancing. I expect the fraud feeling didn't play much for me because I don't tend to repeat those same conversations over and over - I work on the necessary changes and talk about THEM & THAT whole process instead, lol.

He is separated from his wife and they have not been together or lived together for over three years. I'm not defending this, I just want to clarify that it is not an affair. They were apart well before we met. Also, he is not using me. What he is doing is getting comfortable with me always taking him back when he doesn't do what he needs to. I'm working through this at my own pace and readiness. In therapy and Alanon.

Um, Smarie, that IS using you. You're the safe landing zone.

I have removed posts that were offensive and insulting. If you have nothing positive to say then don't say anything.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Smarie, I use to talk rather non stop about STXH at work. I thought the people were all there for me.

Then this co-worker was going on and on about a dating website and showing off potential men. I had my ah-ha moment. That's how I sounded to these people.

Last week was a tramatic week but only one person asked me about it. Not even this website person. Then I got it. Some need to know and many do not need to know all or any of the details. Me talking is me talking. It's not about them understanding my life. I'm the only one who needs to understand it.

^^^^ You are acquiring wisdom here Smarie but I can easily believe that is a gut punch when you realize the realities of the situation. It is a tough reality when we realize we are no healthier than they are.

I remember thinking I was better than him and now I laugh at my arrogance. Sometimes I can still feel that arrogance but the years (er . . . I really should say decades) have chipped away at that pride and egotism.

You have my empathy. losing that sense of superiority was a tough road for me. Forgive me if that isn't what you are saying. It is what I went through.

That's the thing, I always know but I can't quite face it with action. Sometimes I feel close, but mostly I still feel that same terrible feeling of dread and powerlessness. I don't like talking about it until something changes, but sometimes I need to talk about it. I already know he isn't going to change because he hasn't yet. After a couple of years you have to know it won't change unless something changes.

SMarie, You change the whole game when you pick your cards up and quit dealing to him. When you stop making him comfortable at your expense. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

You are the change. Take that big cushsy pillow out from under his ass and let him hit the floor and feel the consequences of his drinking. Until he feels the pain, he has no reason to pause and say, WTH am I doing?!

BTDT. I ruined the t-shirt!

I don't know if you feel judged by her or helped by her, but if you've got big time codie thinking, then chances are your sister does, as well, and so your choices will be really hard for her to see if she hasn't done any recovery, herself. Codependent thinking doesn't spring up out of nowhere - it's a coping mechanism that we learn it as children. Many times, un-self aware codies will be the least empathetic and will have the loudest voices telling us to just get over and leave our As. Sure as shootin, your sister very likely has her own codie issues nibbling at her, even if they are not visible to you. Which isn't to point fingers at her, but to suggest that maybe she isn't the most helpful person for you to talk with about this particular part of your life.

Oh, sure. Logically we see it one way - emotionally it can be a horse of a different color.

Like others already said, YOU are the change in YOUR life Smarie. You are your OWN hero in your story, you just have to be ready to write it that way.

You are making progress - remember that it's all baby steps.... but also remember it's baby steps FORWARD, not in circles. Sometimes in this process you literally just have to force yourself to act differently & suffer the discomfort. It is NOT easy. It is the FURTHEST thing from easy.

".....mostly I still feel that same terrible feeling of dread and powerlessness......"

Ok. Why? What does this trigger inside? How does his presence in your life REMOVE your feelings of dread and powerlessness? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Now - before you go off about how you aren't "getting" anything (we've been here before in past threads, right?) - please take a step back & understand my meaning. I'm talking about something as basic as a sense of connection, a validation of worth, the ability to shift the attention to him as the "sicker" one?

(I had a terrible phase when once RAH really did get serious about getting better, I melted down because without his loud, noisy dysfunction serving as a distraction, I'd have to seriously examine my side of the street. For REAL.)

Did you play the Hero Role in your FOO & feel the need to have someone to "rescue"? (I'm just throwing stuff out here, completely random but normal Codie Self-Examination stuff) Abandonment? (I think this is super common - I was flabbergasted to find heavy amounts of this in my own past because my issues with abandonment were never as black/white as I expected they should be to be considered real.)

We DO "get" something out of these relationships whether we like it or not, whether we MEAN to or not. That's true in ALL relationships in ALL parts of our lives, why would this be any different - especially being such an intimate one?

Yep, FireSprite speaks true. What are you getting from this relationship, Smarie? What does it give you that you have to have?
Peace.

I think FireSprite is right about asking what you are getting out of this relationship. You wouldn't have stuck around for so long unless the dysfunction in this relationship was somehow "working" for you. Before it starts to sound like I'm just snarking at you, let me give my example:

I was married to ex for over 20 years. During those years, one of the unhealthy dynamics (they weren't all unhealthy - there were some good ones too) was that I was the one who needed "fixing" because I was "damaged" from a not-so-great childhood and as a result suffered from depression. This "worked" for ex because it meant that he didn't have to confront his own dependence on alcohol or take seriously my attempts to get him to quit - he drank because it was such a strain being with someone as "unhappy" as me, and besides, who was I to criticize him when it was clear that I was the one with "problems" in the relationship. In hindsight, this is pretty twisted.

So it "worked" for him. But it also "worked" for me, because it meant I could count on lots of sympathy when I was stressed about something or when I felt anxious or depressed, and could reap the benefits of someone always telling me that they felt sorry for me because of my childhood. It enabled me to stay in the "poor-me-my-parents-weren't-very-nice-to-me" place and not move forward and past it. That was pretty twisted too.

So I did get some benefit from being married to an alcoholic. Unfortunately, what I got was toxic to me - and once I figured that out and didn't want to be in that role any more, my ex pushed back hard, and eventually it was all over (he unravelled rapidly after I left, suggesting that it probably wasn't me who made him drink, and that in fact I had been "overfunctioning" during the marriage to compensate for his addiction and shielding him from the consequences). (Obviously there was a lot more going on with ex's addiction and the dynamics of our marriage, but this was an important piece).

What I've learned is that I am much happier, healthier and stronger when I'm not in an unhealthy relationship. Being single and independent felt very good; so did entering a relationship with a sane and grounded non-alcoholic.

So I suggest asking yourself - what am I getting out of being in this relationship with a person who has problems of this magnitude? And are these benefits actually toxicity in disguise?

That means a lot right now. Thank you!

Great shares in this thread, thank you.

I also opted to stay in a marriage with an active drinker. It suited me to be in our respective roles. Not sure which is the sickest of the two of us! Pretty close I think.

We did our sick dance for seven years.

I can now see I liked being the so-called healthy one. Playing the martyr to the fullest. Nothing healthy about that!

Also it meant I could keep my standards of behaviour very low.

Thank you as always Bekind for your own empathy. And yes it's what I am saying - I often feel that "superiority" because with almost everything he does in my mind I think "why would he do that when he can do this and his life would be so much better??" . I struggle both to understand why he doesn't do the basic things that in my mind any sane person would do. But yes, I realize too that this is exactly what anyone would say looking at me - "why does she stay in something so unhealthy when any sane person would walk away?" ...hard pill to swallow but so very true!

yup, it's called Walking the Talk.

it's also super handy to have a "screw up" nearby who, well, screws up a lot, as that provides a great distraction to what is going on with US.

These are all such wonderful and powerful shares. I thank you deeply for giving. I am so glad I have therapy again this week because things have gotten harder for me to push away. Things I use to be able to ignore or fake through are being called out by him all the time. I don't know if any of you experienced that yourselves at any times where you tried hard to suppress your real feelings and your A picked up on it so easily? this is happening a lot more to me and in a sense it's good because I can't keep lying anymore. When I say lying I mean, I am having a hard time being able to tolerate what he does and then pretending it doesn't bother me. My resentment is literally spilling out of my pores like a water faucet.

Case in point, and I am very embarrassed by tolerating this so please be gentle, there were two incidents this past weekend that I can't shake. One was that after we returned from dinner to watch a movie he immediately fell asleep in the way that he does when he drinks. We sat outside for dinner and he kept having to go in to use the bathroom or call his mom (my intuition knew it was to drink - he was acting strangely). I also discovered some of my bottle of wine in the fridge half empty and another mini bottle gone the next day. So he obviously hid his drinking Friday. He acted normal the rest of the weekend but I knew and when we parted is when I found the empty wine so my suspicions were real. (and yes I keep wine in the fridge because I drink sometimes and he is only allowed in my apartment to visit when I am home so must have snuck it when I slept). So yes, a bender has always been inevitable but now it's pretty much sealed since he isnt doing the work AND sneaking drinks. floodgates are about to open again.

Second....and this is the hardest; he went to see his son on Sunday as he usually does to visit his family when he isn't drunk, and came back telling me how heartbroken he was when he saw him. I asked why and he proceeded to tell me because his son has no confidence at all and so badly needs a male figure in his life (???????!!!!!!!!). That when he played with him he kept saying 'he can't or he isn't good' and how bad Abf felt. (again, ????!!!!!). I have been begging for over two years that he step up and be a dad and I use to think maybe he thinks he isn't good enough...but it was my codie mind making excuses for him. But what he told me this weekend just stopped me in my tracks. And after I told him he's the male figure he needs and he should be there, not but a few days later - just today, mind you - did he say "hey it's supposed to be hot maybe we can go to the beach on Saturday!".....I just burst out into the longest pause and I couldn't hold it in. That a man who literally acknowledged his child is hurting would rather frolic on the beach with me instead of taking his child there and being a dad. It made me immediately take all this pity for him and throw it in the garbage. I use to feel sorry for him - I truly did and at times I still do, but this felt like something else. Something that felt like all the times I thought we were so in synch and could relate and were best friends, suddenly I felt worlds apart from him.

Maybe I can't hold it in anymore....maybe I am starting to detach the more I learn about who he is. I know for many of you it's baffling to understand why it's even an issue for me to un-hook from someone who consistently acts irresponsibly (should be a no-brainer right?). But that's my mission to keep moving forward

Also, sorry to add the other part of it, I don't know why I am so afraid to tell him I don't want to see him on Saturday? I want to, but I don't really feel like I can relax and have a nice day after what he told me. I always think it's funny because he wants so much attention from me all the time and always gets upset that he feels like he is the one always begging for my attention, but what he doesn't know is that the thing that would make me happiest and make me want to be around him is if he gave his boy that attention.