hopeful4

You have gotten some great feedback here Smartie. I understand what you are feeling, and just wanted to let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you.

Hugs hugs!

LexieCat

It's all about what makes HIM feel good in the moment, that's all. Drinking feels good, so he does it, hanging out on the beach with you feels good so he does it. Being around his son reminds him of what a sh*t dad he's been, so that isn't fun, so he doesn't do it.

Pretty simple, actually.

And apparently you still get enough out of spending time with him that you don't do what's good for YOU. So there are a few parallels.

Smarie78

THIS ^^^ , and yes that's the story of my life - I truly put his comfort before mine when it comes to everything. When he wants sex and I don't because I'm tired (or one day I was sick with flu!), or I am upset, or like even now when he claims I sounded irritated
on the phone just now so he is pouting, it's always "what can I say or do to restore his good feelings?" I mean, that really is it - I make him comfortable but never myself. The reason I sounded annoyed on the phone is because he is always thinking everything is ok but never doing anything about it. He sends me love texts all day and I do get annoyed because I just want to scream, "Houston we have a problem??!!!!"- but it's always this little whisper that says I need to make him feel loved and tended to and I mustn't upset him - and yes, he is catching on big time. He gets upset and confronts me when he can tell I am being distant - and when I tell him why I immediately go into comfort mode ('I didn't mean it! I don't mind! see? everything is ok!') - it's hard to hide it lately.

Smarie78

That's it....I feel good when he's a good dad. When he goes to see his son (and actually even then I don't feel good because I feel like he is going to go and not because he wants to). And I feel good when he is sober and working a program. And I feel good when he has his own social life, and I feel good when he goes to meetings. But none of those things he does or has. It's the idea of him doing them that makes me feel good. The hope that 'if he just did that' I would feel good. Funny, I always tell him he is white-knuckling through his sobriety - but the fact is, I am the one white knuckling through the relationship.

Smarie78

I hope the "Smartie" was on purpose
Thank you

Smarie78

Can't say I don't disagree with you....not on one thing.

Smarie78

My sister tells me, "do you ever see people in the program who have gone on longer than you with an alcoholic?"...It's amazing how many years that can be taken unless we act. I should probably read those old threads myself..

LexieCat

You're in love with a complete fantasy. It's like having a crush on a movie star. The actual PERSON might be a complete d*ckhead, but it's the romantic fantasy that fans get attached to.

Houston, YOU have a problem. The astronaut is just fine up there.

Smarie78

I really don't know....my therapist feels it's how I get my self worth because I don't have any? for me it has always been a part of my life, giving to others, giving and giving and when I don't or I can't, it's a wave of guilt so big it swallows me whole, and when I give or concede, it goes away - and in its place is resentment. I have struggled with it in past relationships and currently struggle with it in my family. Sometimes life feels full of these landmines of need and they keep popping up in front of me and pulling me down. I need to find a way to keep that at bay so I can enjoy life again, not just "get through it" to make sure everyone else is comfortable. Thankfully therapy is tomorrow!

AnvilheadII

it gets back to EGO.........you BELIEVE you are powerful enough to MAKE everyone else ok. you also do not feel that they are mature and developed enough to handle any disappointment if you dared to say NO.

any "guilt" you feel is actually the crushing realization that THEY DON'T NEED YOU. it's why you fear saying NO to the ABF, you aren't worried he'll be upset, you are worried he WON'T BE.

Smarie78

I'd love to agree with you Anvil, but I don't think that's it. I have had to say no to people in my life (brother, parents) even though it was the biggest fear I had, but when I did, I found out the world didn't actually end.....and they were ok. They still managed. And it made me feel relieved and happy that it didn't depend on me. But I'll tell you, the guilt of letting them down ate at me and gnawed at me until I could get confirmation they were ok. That's why I can't fully agree with this as much as I would love to since at least it would give some explanation
to the madness.

I think if A walked away and decided he didn't need me (which he has threatened to do numerous times), I would absolutely be devastated that is for sure. But I don't know that it would be because he didn't need me, but because I would feel devastated at the loss like anyone would be when a relationship ends. even a bad one.

Needabreak

This sounds just like the addiction process, need for substance grows and grows and grows like a wave till it swallows the addict whole, and when the addict gives in, pleasure -- and then it goes away, and in its place is resentment / guilt / other negative feelings.

You every bit as deep into addiction as he is. You are addicted to him, you are addicted to this feeling of being needed, every bit as much as he is addicted to alcohol. This is a very toxic relationship.

And it will go on until the pain of not changing is greater than your resistance to change.

FireSprite

How long have you been seeing your therapist, Smarie?

SparkleKitty

Smarie can you imagine what your life might be like if you treated yourself with the same overarching compassion and concern with which you treat him beyond all of your own logic and reason?

Smarie78

I'm sorry, I think what I said may have been misread. I don't feel pleasure when I say yes. I just feel relieved of guilt. They are both terrible feelings (whether I say yes or no), but saying yes feels the lesser of the two evils as it makes me feel safer than saying no. When I say no I physically feel like I have done something terrible. When I let someone down I can't shake the feeling that I am abandoning someone. When I say yes at least I feel "I can take it....I can take being uncomfortable or unhappy, they can't. I will take the bullet" (ahh maybe you're right Anvil!)

The other day my brother shared with me that his electricity was shut off. He is someone whom has historically had financial problems no matter how much money he was making. Since I was young he has always begged me for things - he was in a bind or something terrible will happen to him if I don't lend him the money - he needs my car, he needs something all the time and it wreaks havoc on me when he tells me I am the only one who can help. When he told me about his electric he didn't ask for money because I am unemployed, but boy did it take every fiber in me not to internalize what I perceived as "his pain" and how could I take it away. The same with Abf, despite his own doings being the result of the choices he made, it's always this thing that gnaws at me like "how can I make him feel less terrible?"....I am doing a little better in that I try and resist the feelings now.

Even now when he was upset during our phone call, as much as my inner voice wants to tell me "check on him....you've upset him. He is going to feel you distancing again like you did last week and remember how bad it affected him? Remember how he showed you and told you that he couldn't even get aroused because of how your coldness toward him impacted his manhood? It's your problem that his being a bad father and not doing the work on his program makes you not want to be intimate with him tonight, now look what you did."

That.

Sasha1972

I honestly don't comprehend why you are still with this person. Whatever benefit you may be getting now from this unhealthy and all-consuming relationship, in the long run it will screw you up even more.

You sound like a very thoughtful person, and I think this is a situation in which the thoughtful front part of the brain (which is telling you that this relationship is a mess) should overrule the mid-brain (which is telling you that he needs you and you need to be needed and it's love). You can survive a painful breakup much better (with the help of therapists and friends) than you can survive an endless co-dependent relationship with a clingy married addict.

Smarie78

Fire - off and on for 7 years. I started seeing her again regularly after his first relapse in Nov 2015. She's leading me to water, but only I can drink it

Sparkle - Very much so. I need to act soon....I am just so tired of it all

Smarie78

thank you Sasha....do you think I can do it? Have you seen other people like me or is this totally outrageously bizarre that I have stayed? I hate feeling like something is really wrong with me. Can anyone relate at all to this? It's amazing that the logical part of me gets it, but not the other part - the courageous part. My sister sometimes worries me because she thinks something is wrong with me (it's a huge load of guilt when we talk bc I know deep down for the last two years she has judged me for staying , I don't blame her but it's tough to feel it)

Also...im in therapy and go to Alanon, but there is this book I have been reading "Women Who Love Too Much" and at the end she has steps, just like AA. She says, nobody who has followed the steps have failed, but everyone who has not has". or something like that! I wonder if like the alcoholic, I just haven't gotten better because I haven't worked actual steps? I go to therapy but honestly it's no different then me writing here....I need to do something physical. Analyzing isn't really working

Sasha1972

Of course you can do it. I stayed in a marriage to someone who had truly serious problems with mental illness in addition to alcoholism for a lot longer than I should have, because I wondered whether I was the crazy one with something wrong with me. I think probably a lot of people on this board have had similar experiences.

I think this is a "make the path by walking" situation. If you wait until you feel "ready" to end the relationship, you'll be waiting forever. If you take action, the feelings will follow. Sometimes psychological readiness comes before action, sometimes after.

You aren't married to this man, you don't have kids, you don't live together, you don't own property together, you aren't financially dependent on him - the only thing that's tying you to him is your desire to be his girlfriend, and that's not working out. I would say it's time to cut your losses.

tomsteve

im in AA. I wouldnt have gotten anywhere if i worked the steps while still drinking other than a head full of AA and a belly full of booze.
since you posed this
I just haven't gotten better because I haven't worked actual steps?

i will give my opinion:
you havent gotten better because youre continueing the relationship and making everything about him. if i didnt know better, sometimes it seems your trying to get people to give you advise on how to get him to see your way is the best.

no, analyzing,thinking, and posting about HIM wont get you anywhere but deeper and deeper.
yes, you have to do something physical- you have to ACT your way into right thinking.