Yesterday I f&cked up
 

I called him, he came home and stuff happened. He was supposed to go to rehab in a month and he said he will. I am not gonna wait around for it to happen and I also clearly mentioned to him that we are not back together. I don't know why I called him or why we slept together. I feel unsure now :(

Looks like you have alot of 'soul-searching' to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you to give you strength and clarity. We all make mistakes. You learn from them.

Sounds like now is a good time to really think about the circumstances and feelings you were experiencing that led up to you opening this door again. You may have mentioned that you were not getting back together but your actions tell a different story.

Most importantly, however, is to not beat yourself up for this lapse. Self-shaming never leads to positive growth.

Thank you, Sparklekitty. I don't know why and how I forgot whatever happened :(

Do you journal? Sometimes that really helps me parse things out when I am feeling confused. And of course, my therapist is a huge help but I only see her when I see her, so for the in-betweens I need different support.

If you read over on the Alcholics' side of the forum, when people relapse, a huge part of the responses are about looking at one's own recovery plan and figuring out where the holes were. It's no different for us. If moving on from this relationship is still your goal, it's time to double down on what was working and filling the gaps that left you vulnerable.

You're going to be okay.

Good for you Ituvia for coming back here and posting. I also second trying to figure out what was going on in the days before you called him. Squeeze every bit of understanding out of this slip that you can.

Big hug to you lady!

I refuse to sleep with my husband right now because of the signals it could possibly give him that would say, she loves me and everything is good. She'll be back. The things I've done to her are ok because she did just sleep with me. And now I can have her anytime that I want!

He's sober right now. But his actions over the last several years have been horrible and even though we are moving very slowly, sex with him would derail everything I've put into motion to try and see if he can get his life together without me in his way. I believe right now for me, that sex would mess up his head to much to get to the end point.

Yesterday, he was trying to touch me. I took my index finger and circled my va-j-j and I told him, This is mine! I don't have to give it to you because you don't deserve it! You do not get rewarded for bad behavior.

Don't feel bad. Sh!t happens. Don't dwell on it. Just move on.

Ituvia.....I think that, way down deep, you DO know "why you called him and slept with him".....
From where I sit...it looks like it was for the quick gratification and the immediate "feel good"...
Not unlike that first drink that the alcoholic reaches for....that immediate feeling of relief and pleasure.....even, though it will be the eventual thing that will/can destroy him.....

Just like that alcoholic voice that is inside the mind of the alcoholic, 24/7....that says, "do it...do it..."........Codependents have the same kind of voice that whispers to them...."do it...do it...it will feel good".......

Oh Rox, I LOL'ed at work!

Ituvia, yeah - what Dandylion said...we're kinda love addicts....and acts of 'love' suck us right back in as easily as 1 drink sucks them right back in.

Like them....we can get right back on the wagon if we're ready.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're human. Just learn from it and go forward.

You relapsed. Hey, it happens. At least you're not fooling yourself that it magically fixed everything.

However...he will definitely conclude that it fixed everything, no matter what you said. "Actions not words" works the other direction, too.

He will also conclude that booty calls are now an option.

If you're clear with yourself that this was a bad idea, you're going to have to spell it out to him, possibly with hand puppets and power point while brandishing a 2 x 4.

And it will have to be spelled out repeatedly, probably at 2 a.m. and more than once, so be ready for that, yes?

Sending you clarity and strength.

FWIW I did the same in early days of detaching from my now exah. My reasons were simple. He had always been excellent in that department and I fancied a bit of extra curricular. I also had some denial still going on and still some unresolved hope he'd change. After he'd gone I felt absolutely furious with myself and very sad and it never happened again.

Sex isn't love Ituvia. I hope your therapist can help you work through this and the near future disappointed, hurt and pain you are going to experience.

Glad you came back to post, this has been a relapse in the making for several weeks now. Time to get back on track with you and your life.

Has the eviction happened yet? Has he offered to help you out with that?

See it as a slip, and get right back on the wagon so to speak

I was thinking a cleaver might be a more effective way of underscoring the message, but hand puppets work too.

He doesn't hear words... lets just say it was my version of hand puppet'ing. He knows I'm so far detached and it bothers him greatly... as it should. My therapist told me, It's ok to not put yourself out there to someone who doesn't give a rat's arse about you! You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable! Sex makes me very uncomfortable right now.

Yeah towards the end, I didn't want anything to do with xabf intimately. I didn't feel close to him. He told me - you used sex as a weapon. I told him - you know, I thought that for a long time too, but it isn't true. I don;t have to sleep with anyone I don't want to sleep with, especially if I'm not enjoying it or if it makes me feel bad. Amazing how they can twist things...and how we can take that ball and run with it on the guilt side.

You "feel unsure" because in the MOMENT, no doubt, it felt good--familiar, nice.

As someone else pointed out, it's exactly the way an alcoholic feels after that first drink.

And equally dangerous.

Don't misinterpret your "gee, that felt good" as some kind of indicator you should consider taking him back. One has nothing to do with the other.

I called him, he came home and stuff happened

as long as you still call it HOME when you refer to him coming to your residence, you remain in a mindset that still feels like he WILL be back soon.

and underneath it all, you knew EXACTLY what you were doing. it's like the alcoholic saying "i have no idea how that bottle of tequila got in my hand - except for intentionally driving to the liquor store and purchasing it - but other than THAT, NO idea!!!".

so you aren't totally done yet. face it, own it, deal with it.

The eviction hasn't happened yet. I filed a police case for harassment from the residents so that's on hold for now. He didn't talk about that at all. Quelle surprise. He said he wants to go see couple of rehabs and choose the ones which are comfortable. He is going to do that tomorrow. I told him this is not a retreat and that he should really want to want sobriety. He keeps saying alcohol makes him an animal and whatnot. Also, I had to listen to him rant about work and that his new job is what ruined our relationship etc. I have asked him not to come home. Since I slept with him, I feel awkward now to block him on the phone again.