hopeful4

He showed you who he is, believe it.

I would take his phone, card, and wallet to the front desk of the rehab. Tell them to read his messages if they are curious why. You have ZERO responsibility to sign him out. He is a grown adult and can sign himself out. I would also mail a registered letter to the rehab in his behalf, that they have to sign for, that all of his belongs will be in his car, and he has until X date to have the car removed from your home, then it will be towed. Conveniently, it would have his belongings inside it, therefore removing everything from you.

I am so sorry, but I am glad you found this out and can actually move forward with your life.

AnvilheadII

I saw those messages and he has been talking to this girl for 4 months. That is right after we broke up.

RIGHT AFTER.

don't believe any promises he made to HER or anyone else. they are just words. he's good at that part, talking a big game. but he's just saying whatever it takes to get the target to stick around, so he can use them.

i know it hurts, but he was never truly THERE, never committed, not in the way you were. that is why it was so easy for him to pick up stakes and move on. and then come back that night you called.

DesertEyes

Foul language is not allowed. We have children reading. I have removed posts that contained file language, or quoted foul language.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Ituvia

I am done. I told the rehab folks to talk to his brother/mother directly and I don't want to be involved in this shindig. I have forwarded the rehab details to his brother and asked him to take over or whatever. Rehab folks asked me to bring the list of things he wanted, I said, it's not my problem and I cannot bring it.

Ituvia

For four months, I never once with confidence told myself that "it's done" but I did yesterday. To myself and to my close friends and family. The what ifs were eating me up from inside. What if he gets sober? What if he comes back? What if someone else messed up our relationship? What if everything was alcohol's fault?
After going through his messages, which I was first embarrassed about, realize that the what ifs don't matter anymore. What has happened is beyond my comprehension and ultimately, I don't know this guy at all. He is someone else. And I cannot and shouldn't trust anyone to this extent. I am sad, feel betrayed, broken but I know I don't want anything to do with him anymore. EVEN if he gets sober.

LexieCat

Well done!

atalose

Now you can let your healing begin. You will benefit so much more now with your therapy. A new light is shining and a positive future is on the horizon!!!

((hugs))

Ituvia

Thank you, Atalose. The pain is almost unbearable. Never knew pain like this existed. Of the heart that is but I know this will not be repeated. I will never feel this way ever again. I will never be so foolish ever again. How small is the heart and how delicate is the hand that needs to hold it, aye? I will be more and more careful who I give my heart to.

Refiner

CHARACTER. With or without alcohol there is what's called CHARACTER and you either got it, or you don't. Let me give you an example. I have family members staying with me right now (my husband's side). The 15 year old son of one of them is here and is the most honest and true and respectful gentleman. His Dad told me a story of a recent interaction with one of his friends. 15 yo relative was walking with one of his friends that happens to be a girl. His friend was just playing around and walked up and past them and had his cellphone down by his side and snapped a pic of the girl's butt unbeknownst by others. Then as giggling adolescent boys do, shared the pic with my 15 yo relative later. The 15 yo relative said wow, hand me your phone! (like he was interested) only to immediately delete the pic and tell the friend "don't do sh*t like that, show some respect". The story was told to the Dad by the friend that snapped the pic. Even he was impressed. Now THAT is character and something your guy will NEVER possess! Thankfully, you've seen that light!

honeypig

I think in the days to come, you might find out that your heart is way bigger and a whole lot tougher than you ever imagined...you can and will recover from this. Keep moving forward--only use that rear-view mirror as a way to confirm what you're leaving behind for good.

Ituvia

Yes, you're right. I am just surprised I didn't see all of this. Obviously I was blind. I didn't see the warning signs or ignored it. I DON'T want to settle. There are billion people on this earth and just loving someone isn't enough. I was a fool but thankfully, I know now not to ignore things. Painful and I feel as though someone put a knife through my heart over and over but I will remember this. Heck I will savor it cos I don't want to feel this way again. Ever.

honeypig

Ituvia, an SR member made a post containing this sentence some time ago, and it resonated DEEPLY with me, so I kept it in my "Wisdom of SR" folder.

I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.

It was exactly how I felt, exactly the lesson I was learning at the time. I suspect it may be where you are right now too.

Ituvia

You must share those pearls of wisdom as a thread with the rest of us. I made a word doc of all the profound things I heard on SR and even though none of us will ever meet, you have all helped me and I KNOW that I can be stupid and say things again once he gets out of rehab but I don't want this to be who I am. Worrying about relapse and him cheating on me. Trust is such a hard thing to earn. For five years I had all his passwords and never once looked into anything but ironically, I did now. Life can come full circle sometimes, I suppose. It hurts so much.

honeypig

XAH told me exactly where he kept his booze. I never looked. He claimed to be sober, and I never looked. I doubted his sobriety, and I still never looked. Eventually, I DID look. Yes, the sobriety was all a lie. But he was so sure of me, so sure of what I would do or not do, that he felt safe in keeping the bottle right where he said it would be.

Evidently your A felt the same. And much like you and the phone, that incident changed how I looked at things for good. Like you, it was the moment that my eyes opened for real. It still took me a good long time to get out of there, but I saw things differently from then on.

Ituvia

I suppose that's what my ExABF thought too. I feel so stupid but I know that I don't want him back. That hurts me even more.

AnvilheadII

experiences like this teach us NOT to give all of ourselves over to another. we should be like Venn Diagrams not two hula hoops stacked on on top of the other so there are no boundaries or lines of demarcation.

Ituvia

I always thought we should trust our partners 100% but now I feel like I had become a cynic.

TropicalWinter

I think there's a difference between trusting your partner 100% and what Anvil was saying above, if that's what you're referring to. You can trust your partner 100% and still be your own entity.

Disregard if I'm misreading.

dandylion

I consider my self to be a fairly trusting person...but, I don't trust anybody 100 per cent......My husband (the dear one who died) and I trusted each other very much. We had each other's passwords, etc. We left our stuff laying out all of the time...and we didn't go snooping....
But...if I had noticed any red flags, or anything that made me suspicious...you can bet that I would have investigated!
I know that all people are human...and, even the best can have their flaws....

LexieCat

OK, just to put this into perspective. He started these conversations with the OW AFTER the two of you had broken up. Sure, he considered you replaceable, but when you are broken up with someone you don't get to dictate how they behave. You notice, though, that SHE wasn't rushing around getting him into rehab, right? So he came back to you, knowing you were still willing--after all, you jumped back into bed with him, right?

Yes, he jerked you around, and yes, you have a right to be ticked. But be ticked for the right reason--it wasn't that he "cheated" on you, it's that he used you as a convenience. Alcoholics do that. Any port in a storm, and you were willing to be that port.

If it makes you feel any better, we have ALL done things for the alcoholic that we didn't have to do and should not have done. So you are far from alone, there. I think you learned some valuable lessons. When all of the signs are SCREAMING trouble, you need to pay attention to them, and not make excuses for them or try to wish/rationalize them away.

I know you feel betrayed, but honestly you walked right into this one. That doesn't make you stupid, and it doesn't make you unique. Like I said, we've all done it. Now YOU can be the one with the hard-won wisdom to realize that you made a mistake, and that you can pick yourself up and vow not to let your hopes/wishes take priority over what you can see with your own two eyes.

Hope things start feeling better soon.