Ituvia

I felt responsible, I suppose. I feel angry and sad at the same time. He was crying incessantly.

SparkleKitty

It's understandable you felt responsible, but you know you aren't, right? He's an adult. Drop his things -- his car, too, if you can have a friend drive you back -- off at the rehab, tell them he can sign himself out and be done. Good riddance.

LexieCat

You are no relation to him, so you have no legal responsibility to sign him out. I suggest giving his belongings (including the car keys) to his family and calling the rehab to tell them to let him know where he can retrieve them and that you want nothing more to do with him.

Ladybird579

. I also have to make monthly payments and whatnot.

Are you paying for his rehab?

Ituvia

No, he gave me his card so hopefully I could pay it.

tomsteve

any chance he knowscrying would be one tactic to try and keep you his hostage? he knows it would make you feel responsible?

great news here is you only felt responsible. feelings arent always reality.

i have a question now:
the day after my last drunk,my( by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet)) fiance told me some of what i had done and said the day/evening before in a blackout then tossed me out.
thats when i decided to get help.
who would be responsible for me getting help- her or me?

aliciagr

I think you showed compassion by taking him to the rehab while he was so emotional. From my experience, the rehab cant force him to stay, so I think he would most likely be able to leave on his own if he decided to. It could be more complicated if this was court ordered, but doesnt appear this is the case.

Take a few breaths and give yourself a little time.

Then, If you dont want to be the contact for the rehab then contact them and let them know.

If you dont want his car there, or to handle any of his finances (even though sounds like he gave you his card) - contact his family and explain. Maybe someone would be willing to move the car and help with some of the things he cant do while in treatment.

You dont have to make any decisions right at this moment while your emotional and stressed,

And Im sorry for all the things you saw on his phone. Disgusting.

LexieCat

Oh, geeze, I missed the part where he expects YOU to make the payments for him.

Drop off his crap at the rehab and tell them you don't want it and you're not willing to take care of his payments for him. You can do that. Trust me, they want to get paid and they will figure something out that will work. As long as you stay in any way responsible for him it is only keeping you enmeshed with him and his future.

You can resign from this role any time you want.

atalose

My suggestion is not going to be like the others. I say you follow this all the way through. Hold onto his car - make sure it doesn't get damaged or stolen, pay his rehab, look through his phone – hell keep it turned on and see who calls him. See how far your sense of responsibility for him takes you.

Not everyone has a bottom some people need to pick up that shovel and keep on digging. I don’t believe you’ve reached yours yet.

FallenAngelina

Along with demonizing him for the way he speaks about you and for his behavior, also take responsibility for looking at his personal correspondence without his permission. You're involved in a relationship in which you and he violate each other. This is why so many of us recommend Al-Anon. In that program, we learn to take responsibility for our participation in relationships. Just bitching about your BF's behavior isn't going to get you very far. You are choosing to participate in this relationship in which there is broken trust all around. Playing "your violation is worse than my violation" will lead nowhere.

AnvilheadII

well, let's look at it this way....when you told us that he called and asked for a ride to rehab, you did not SHARE just how involved you were in the process, that you took possession of his wallet, phone, that you signed committing documents and that you agreed to make the monthly payments FOR HIM. for whatever reason, you told a comparable story that just left out a LOT of details.......

i believe it's safe to say that you assigned a personality and level of affection TO this person that were never there. you were "surprised" to find out that he had been doing morning drinking for a year maybe two. you keep being "surprised" by truths that come out about him. when he said things that he KNEW you would respond to (as most women do) he didn't have to mean a word of it, it was just a means to an end.

he was not sincere. he evidently holds women in pretty low regard. and he quite willing used YOU to get what he wanted. he's not the guy you thought he was.......not by a long shot.

so you have a choice. hang around and HOPE he transforms into a complete new human OR sever ties immediately. you could drive his car over to the rehab, hand back his belongings and tell them you wish to withdraw any support or connection. and be done.

Sasha1972

The phone sounds like a loaded gun to me (or a crack pipe, choose your metaphor). Can you get rid of it - give it to his friend, drop it off at the front desk at his rehab, etc? The longer you have it, the more you will be tempted to go through it to see just how awful he is, the angrier you become, and the more you will stay emotionally enmeshed with him because of the anger. Anger is a kind of "high" too, like feelings of love.

You already know he's a jerk so you don't need to find more evidence. I think you will start to feel better once you get rid of the phone. Then maybe hand off his car keys and credit card too.

Ituvia

His mom is coming back to the country in two weeks, I will give her all of his belongings and get the f*ck out of this. I can't do anything for him anymore, I don't want to. I can't forget the messages he sent out. The talk about our private things. All this is unforgettable for me and even if he comes out clean, I don't know if I will be able to not bring this up ever.

firebolt

What good will it do? You'll be trying to get satisfaction, amends and closure from someone who cannot give it to you. You know he did it. He knows he did it.

Taking your power back means dropping the rope and walking away.

Who knows, maybe treatment will work and a year from now hell call you and try to make it better - IF he's going to make it right, that's the only way I see him being able to make you feel better about it all...and that's a big IF.....and it'll be up to him to do it. You asking for him to explain himself and make you feel better, will only make you feel worse.

No contact from you says more that you talking to him about it ever will. I promise.

dandylion

There is no way to make that sort of thing right, in my opinion.....

Ituvia

There is no way this thing will work now. I saw those messages and he has been talking to this girl for 4 months. That is right after we broke up. He has been discussing how to build a house with her, how he will take care of her and whatnot. I feel so broken and betrayed.

rae145

he has been talking to this girl for 4 months. That is right after we broke up. He has been discussing how to build a house with her, how he will take care of her and whatnot. I feel so broken and betrayed.

Hi Ituvia,
I know how you feel. It hurts.... a Lot! It still hurts me after a year and a half but, and this is really big for me, it does not consume me anymore. He's a POS

Ariesagain

Codies mourn, addicts replace.

At this point in his downward spiral, he will latch on to anything.

But it's a gift, if you choose to open it. Now you can walk away and not go down the maelstrom with him. He will have a zillion reasons, but they're all lies to protect himself. Don't bother.

Now you know. Now you can move on.

atalose

This thing? What thing? That’s a strange way of putting “relationship”. I think “this thing” is the “thing” you have been obsessively trying to hold onto.

You are entitled to “feel” what you feel but feeling betrayed by an ex-boyfriend who moved on is because you refused to let go of what was already gone. He did not betray you because the relationship was already over.

It hurts harder when we delay hurt by not accepting the truth of reality on who someone really is compared to who we think and wish they could be.

Ariesagain is dead on….Codies morn and addicts replace.

I sure hope your eyes are wide open now and all that fantasy thinking has fallen into reality of what is.

LexieCat

Atalose makes a good point. The relationship was (and remains) over. He showed up to use you to get into rehab because every other option was exhausted, evidently. That does not constitute a renewal of the relationship--except maybe in the back of your mind.