Update of sorts
 

After years of feeling completely trapped by my passionate but dysfunctional relationship with A....and a snail's pace in securing any hope of a life out from under his (drunk) thumb, I made a decision to change. It is an imperfect choice (like most of my choices over the years) but it was a very big step for me.

One of my former "big steps" was that I had secured an apartment in the city for myself about a year and a half ago as a separate space for me to have outside of our alcoholic home. I used this as my safe haven: he was not allowed there uninvited. It functioned to keep me safe from his crazies, and sane. When he relapsed, I had distance from him. I worked a few blocks away and had friends. It was a good short term option while I waited to see if I got stronger or if things got worse. Last week, I emptied out that apartment and moved the contents back to the East coast to the town that my family lives in. I signed a lease on a place there and I get the keys at the end of the month to move in. I have a 6 month lease (a trial, I suppose) but options to extend.

The road to here has been winding. And painful. And filled with pockets of joy and love and disappointment--a familiar tale here. A and I got engaged over Christmas after finding out that we are expecting (I am due with our daughter at the end of next month). He has been in and out of treatment since November with varying success in maintaining stretches of sobriety. He also cheating on me in February during a blackout. (That was ultimately the impetus for the cross-country move.)

I have money in the bank to support me for a good year. I have my parents and my sister nearby to help and support. I even, to an extent, have the support of my AF--he helped me move, he is paying for the apartment (I can afford it if he renigs on that), he continuously expresses his desire to marry me and to be a family with baby and to be there with me. All of that remains undecided and based 100% on his future success in sobriety, but it feels comforting nevertheless that he wants it. Comforting that he still loves me, and that our dreams of life together aren't lost entirely. It's a crutch I guess I still need.

As I said, it is imperfect. But it feels like a big leap--in what direction, I'm not sure yet. Am I moving toward a better future or away from love? Both, maybe. It has been a long road to here. I'm not sure what I expect to come of it, but the relief I feel almost negates the fear. Wish me luck.

well, congratulations on the soon-to-be baby! i really think you are making the BEST choice for you and the baby. your ABF has a lot of STUFF to work thru - and he committed an "unforgivable" act, IMHO, to sleep with someone else......

now you get to practice loving from a distance......meanwhile you will be surrounded by people who love you. LET THEM. let us know how it goes, moving, settling in, baby updates.

Jeni,
Good for you for reaching out for support from people who love and care about you. You will need that support and addicts don't think of anyone but themselves. You can always re-kindle this relationship after a year of sobriety. Stay strong, my friend. Take care of you and the baby, as that is your number one priority.