ArtMachine

Hello all,

I'm creating space with my addict son, allowing him to come to me. Not chasing him, not checking my phone, not allowing "fixing thoughts" to take over my brain... "If he'd only _______ then his could ______".

This seems to be a step in this process of small changes adding up to making my life the priority. He lives in his car mostly, with two dogs and his gf, makes (legal) weed products near me and only making it back to his trailer in the desert when he has to crash from the "drugs required to work" ... I have so many creative ideas to make his life easier. Which takes mental energy away from so much.

If I can just for today channel that thinking back to myself and my needs (better eating, exercise, Dr. appt., friends and family and of course my bf). I will be stronger and have more personal fortitude.

I catch myself mentally fixing, because I'm not actually pursuing it and he's taking a break from asking, LOL! I assure myself that he will call because... Addict! But when he does, I have to keep my boundaries in place and that has been the challenge.

I pray that I will have the strength to get to Al-Anon meetings but I am triggered into anxiety by dead kid stories, because I need and want a sponsor and want to work the steps. Can this be done on line?

God Grant me....

honeypig

I have no reason to believe you'd hear "dead kid stories" at Alanon. Alanon is about YOU and for YOU. It's not a group of people who sit around and discuss the doings of the alcoholic or addict in their life. In fact, it's not that uncommon for newbies to wonder exactly how Alanon is going to help when the people there DON'T talk about their A or addict...

I'd strongly encourage you to get to a meeting. You don't have to speak or share at all until YOU choose to. If/when the turn to share comes around to you, all you have to do is say "I'd like to just listen today/tonight, thanks" and the turn will pass right on by you. No one will bat an eye.

I'd also like to mention that it's recommended to try 6 different meetings before deciding that Alanon isn't for you. That means 6 different locations and times, not the same meeting 6 times. Since Alanon provides a general framework, but the meetings are made up of individuals, different meetings can have very different "flavors." Some meetings are large, 30 or more people, while some may be only a half dozen. Some meetings may be all or mostly women while some have a larger proportion of men. Some meetings may be people largely of one age group or another. And some are really diverse.

The format can also vary. You may find you like a "book study" group, where reading is done from Alanon literature and then discussed. Then again, you may prefer a meeting where there are rotating topics each week; a step, a tradition, a slogan, or chairperson's choice. All are good; it's just a matter of where you find the most benefit for yourself.

There are online meetings, phone meetings and email groups. However, for me, one of the major reasons for attending Alanon was to get face-to-face support. I already had SR for online help and didn't see the point in duplicating that. I figured I live in the real world, so I may as well learn how to deal in the real world, too!

For me, Alanon and SR were a great combination, and the strengths of each complemented the other. I don't know if you've visited the "big website" or not, but here's a link if you haven't. It might answer some questions for you: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Also, I found it useful to do some reading of Alanon literature to help me understand how the program works. You can find used Alanon books for very reasonable prices on Amazon.

I hope you go. I think once you've gone a few times, instead of wondering how you found the strength to go, you'll be wondering instead how you ever managed to carry the weight without going...

AnvilheadII

i think it helps to remember that ALL parents - ok MOST parents have concerns and fears for their children, regardless of their age or condition. granted addiction certainly compounds the worry with it's additional dangers and risks. we as parents of adult children HAVE to learn to live a life separate from our children, even when every cell of our being still wants to run with hand outstretched to catch rain drops before they hit their precious heads.

my daughter is 34, not an addict, and i HATE it when she experiences sadness or disappointment. or if someone was unkind or downright mean to her - i seriously want to go punch whomever in the face!! i'm not thrilled with her current relationship choice. she recently shared with me that she plans to file bankruptcy - she's marvelously smart and GETS the whole math thing........she just couldn't say NO to all those lovely credit cards.........an NONE of it is any of MY business. and all my worry and fretting are useless. but i DO worry and i DO fret. i just have to keep it to manageable bits. we ALL do or we'll go off the deep end.

i wish they had a reverse fit bit for worrying about stuff - you are allowed a maximum of 12 minutes per day for worry. after that it starts zapping you or something. or maybe less invasive, like restless sleep it tracks how MUCH you worry in a day and puts it on a graph for you - nothing like some good ole charts and graphs to drive the point home.

ArtMachine

I have been in and out of Al-Anon for 17 years, from a previous 12 year relationship with an Alcoholic... I even brought my kids to Ala-Teen meetings.

Now that my son is my qualifier, it's a whole different ball game. I have been to way more than 6 different meetings and I go for a while and then inevitably someone shares their dead kid story and I can't run fast enough or far enough.

My partner is an EMT and all he knows is hospital/jail/death for addicts, so he's not the one I talk to. I acknowledge that I desperately need one meeting a week at least but even here in Los Angeles... sigh...

F#@k it, these are all excuses... I will go but I'm already crying thinking of the pain from the triggering stories. All I do in these meetings is cry, I wonder how helpful that is? I have to start somewhere, again. My son's disease is taking it's toll on me and all that surrounds me. I'm so powerless.

Thank you for the truth.

SparkleKitty

Do you have a therapist, ArtMachine? One-on-one support made a huge difference for me, and perhaps the likelihood of "dead kid stories" would be acceptably low.

Jaeger

I really feel you on the whole different ballgame. I actually have 2 qualifiers, my husband and my son. It takes it to a different level when it is your kid. I actually find that I need to work my program stronger for my son. You can divorce a spouse (I know that doesn't make the codie-ness go away) but not your child. I haven't experienced dead kid stories but I imagine that is because I'm from a much smaller city than you. I know when my son was very active and our communication was low, that is what I laid in bed worrying about. As much as it scares us to death, that is the reality of addiction.

ArtMachine

Yes, but I think I need "more" from her, she tells me I'm doing well and my day to day life is ok, but my thoughts are obsessive and deluded re: my son.

I compartmentalize so quickly that by the time I see her, I've processed the thought or event. That's why I'm so thankful for this support here, because I can immediately report the insanity and be called on it or supported... both of which I accept with gratitude.

Thanks for the follow up

AnvilheadII

Art, do you journal as well? SR IS a great place to get some stuff out and get input, but there are times when we can't BE here......but those can also be times when it would be really helpful to be able to jot some things down.