batchel9

You guys are really opening my eyes to the fact to this threatening coping mechanism. THANK YOU!!

Here are my remaining concerns, see what you all think.

1. Though my AH has had drinking issues since college, there is very little proof of this. He drinks and drives, has drank at work, has drank with the kids in the car, but he never gets caught. I feel like it would be my word against his. And I also feel like he doesn't drink that often. So a judge looking at my argument of him getting drunk and making bad decisions once a month or less will not win me much. The only law related issue he that he has is a driving under the influence from 2004.

2. How do I know if I have a good lawyer? I have done consults with two that had good reviews but I feel like I don't know how well they will do against these arguments. How do you know which are good?

Thanks all!!

Sasha1972

With respect to the absence of a record, do you have texts/emails to and from your ex concerning his drinking, in which he acknowledges drinking? Also, have others observed this? (ideally, people that aren't closely related to you). Do you have credit card statements showing large alcohol purchases?

You don't need to prove that he is the worst alcoholic ever in order to make a case that the kids should not reside solely with him. Taking the position that the kids should reside with you, in their familiar home and school district, with generous access to their father, is completely reasonable given the information you've provided.

With respect to lawyers, I would say don't be sucked in by lawyers who make big promises and guarantee you they can win your case. Look for someone who can give you a realistic assessment - here are the strong points of your case, here are the weaknesses. Also look for someone who has experience opposing active addicts, because as we all know here, they are strange beasts. Shop around.

LexieCat

I'd ask the lawyers directly what kind of experience they have with clients who have an alcoholic spouse, in terms of parenting issues. Tell them exactly what you're concerned about and see if they seem to know what they are talking about. Someone without experience can be fine, provided they are willing to learn and take your concerns seriously.

One other thing--the burden of proof in these matters is a "preponderance of the evidence." Which means that even if it's your word against his, if you are more credible than he is--if the judge believes you just the tiniest bit more than him, your word alone can be enough. But anything you have that corroborates it--observations of others, credit card receipts, etc.--will help tilt the scales in your favor.

You might also find out whether the law where you live permits you to record him without his knowledge--you need to ask the lawyer whether that is an option. Don't do it if it's illegal where you live--the recordings would not be admitted and you could be convicted of a crime. But in many jurisdictions it's legal.

aliciagr

Look at the reviews and meet with a few different divorce or family law attorneys. Most of then will already be well versed in dealing with substance abuse issues because its often part of the problem when people seek divorce. I think you need one that you feel comfortable with, one that listens to you, answers your questions fully, can explain things in a way you understand. A good attorney will be honest about what you can expect and can help guide you on how to prep for potential divorce proceedings.

The courts are mostly looking for facts, or persuasive evidence in terms of the kids safety, etc. They already know to expect both parties are likely emotional, possibly very angry and are likely to wage a smear campaign against the other. Even if your husband declares himself to be an alcoholic. The question would be what is he doing to address this. They dont care if he is working a specific program and they dont use program ideas to make their decisions about his recovery or stability. If you explain your exact situation to the attorney, they can give you a good idea of what they would fight for in terms of custody, visitation , and maybe the use of monitoring devices like the Breathalyzer when the kids are in his care.

One little step at a time and just think of all of this as exploring and learning.

batchel9

After reading your suggestions to keep emails and texts re: drinking I looked back in my email last night to see what I had. It was incredibly eye opening. Pretty much I had emails from 2010 that sounded a lot like what AH is saying to me right now. He is "done drinking" and that is "in the past" and how sorry he is, etc. I re-sent some of them to him.

He responded that they were hard for him to read and how much of a failure he feels like. He went on to say that he will not continue to fail and how he is better set up and more knowledgeable now to beat this than he was before. Also he realizes he has been too stubborn to get help and that has been a major failure. He vows to get more help. What do you guys think?

I asked him what he thought I should do and he said "I have what I want you to do and I have what I think you should do". Ultimately he wants me to stay, but thinks I should be suspect and critical based on past data. He wants me to commit to 1 month and see if I think he is taking it seriously. And if I'm happy with that, commit to a bit more. Thoughts?

Guys I just feel like I'm 1.5 feet out the door already. I don't see 1 month realistically showing me anything and will just delay the rest of my life that much more. He argues "That is the risk. On the other hand, you may decide you want out now and then see that in three years you should have just given it one more chance ".

I wish that he would essentially just say FU and keep drinking regularly. These attempts at sobriety mess with my head.

SparkleKitty

He wants you to commit based on what he SAYS he is going to do?

How about he does what what he says he will do for a YEAR and THEN you even remotely entertain the idea of getting back together?

But Batchel, really. If you are done, you're done. You don't need any more reason than that. What you feel is ENOUGH.

Maudcat

I think you know the answer, batchel. Keep moving forward with your plan. Nothing changes unless you change it.
Thing is, your staying or going has nothing, not one thing, to do with his sobriety.
If he is going to get and stay sober, he will do that with or without you.
Imo, this is just another attempt to keep the status quo.
Peace.

PuzzledHeart

Just like SparkleKitty said, a month is WAY too short. You need at least a year to see if the sobriety sticks. There was a study about that a while back..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ddicts-relapse

And just like Maudcat said, his sobriety is HIS sobriety. Not yours. You can't babysit him into staying sober.

I suspect that staying with him will only breed further resentment, which isn't the best foundation for a romantic relationship. Do you really want stay attached to this guy and let him jerk your chain?

LexieCat

The way I see it, he is saying what he knows you want to hear. Maybe he even means it, at this moment. The thing is, he probably meant it before, too--and the time before that and the time before that.

He has never SHOWN the actual willingness to put his money where his mouth is, though. I see zero in what you've described that is actually DIFFERENT from what he was saying in 2010--yikes, SEVEN YEARS. So he's had seven years of "pre-contemplation"--with nothing to indicate this spin of the wheel will land on the winning number.

There's never any guarantee we won't regret a decision. All you can go by are the probabilities. Which is more likely--that this is the epiphany that will bring him sobriety and you both lasting happiness, or that this is just more of the same BS that will cost you more years of your life?

Sasha1972

Stay the course. Seven years (at least) of problem drinking doesn't balance one month of semi-not-drinking. He probably is sincere (right now, in this moment) about not drinking any more, but this moment will pass, and in the next moment, will he get stressed and turn back to alcohol, as is his pattern? It's good that he acknowledges that he has a problem and that you are right to be suspicious, but "acknowledging a thing" and "not doing that thing any more" are very different.

(Also, if I may, I suggest you not re-send him any more of his old emails from 2010 where he promises not to drink. You don't have to prove to him that he has a long-term drinking problem, and pointing out this evidence to him just keeps you engaged with him at time when [I think] you should be working on disengaging. JMHO, your mileage may vary).

honeypig

batchel, I think Rayn's post above addresses an important part of the problem. I see you still waiting, still hoping, that somehow this isn't real and the A will have a change of heart. I know that feeling, like if you ask them just one more time, somehow the answer will be different, will be the one you want, and you won't really have to go through w/all the pain and hassle of splitting up. I spent a long, long time there myself, wanting HIM to make the decisions, and in reality, he WAS making the decisions, I just chose not to see it b/c they weren't the ones I wanted.

I've heard it said here that we can't expect the ones who hurt us to also be the ones who heal us, but that is exactly what so many of us do. I know I certainly did this, and did it many, many times.

batchel, in my case, a lot of it was just fear about being totally responsible for my own life. I didn't trust myself, had never learned to do so, in fact had learned quite the opposite. I am learning now. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm scared, and sometimes I'm triumphant. Sometimes things go well and I think "oh, you are a smart girl!" Sometimes things go poorly, and I think "oh, see, you really are incompetent!" But as time has gone by, I'm gradually learning that good or bad, it all passes, and somehow, it all manages to turn out OK.

I have 2 quotes from my "Wisdom of SR" folder, hope you might find some help in them. First is this, from Eric Pearl in The Reconnection:

You don't need to let go of all your fear before you are ready to experience love. You can pick up your fears in your arms and carry them into the love with you. For once you step into love, fear shows itself up for the illusion it's always been, and love is all that remains.

Next is a post from an SR member, to another member in a situation similar to yours:

But it really is that simple. I posted another thread today - titled "We choose this life." So choose your life and go for it. Leave the past in the past. Don't carry your regrets around with you. Move forward, one step at a time. This is your choice, and the only thing you really can control. With all due respect, Wavy, fear is simply an emotion. You are acting on it. Stop doing that and let it pass you over. You only get this one shot at this life.

Keep going. Just keep going. Do not turn aside now. Nothing has changed.