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Chasing happiness or making progress??

Old 06-03-2017, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
Recovery also means you get to figure out how to do this, not me.
Ha, more echoes, Rayn--your post reminded me of a time that I said more or less that same thing to XAH. I said that he needed to decide what he wanted, and if it was to be with me, then he'd need to make things right w/me, convince me. I got that same line, "how am I supposed to do this, to jump through hoops that I don't even know what they are, blah, blah."

Yes. He IS a grown-a$$ man, and what he was telling me loud and clear, but that I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR, was that he was absolutely uninterested in changing anything. If an adult truly wants something, generally they can figure out a number of possible ways to get it, but yet he was completely stumped...

Now I can see this as if it's written in neon 30 feet high, but at the time, I had my fingers in my ears and was going LALALALALA for all I was worth! My feelings were hurt--didn't he want me? I was angry--how dare he not want me, how dare he lie to me, etc. I was scared--how would I make it w/o him, financially and otherwise? I had a lot invested in not seeing or admitting the truth myself.

And I could have blamed that on him, and I did blame it on him for quite some time, but lately I see that I had the power of choice all along but chose not to exercise it, still fricking waiting for someone else to step in and run my life for me.

Now? When I find myself in a situation where I'm saying or thinking to someone else "YOU need to decide...", I stop and change the wording. I need to decide!!

And I'm 2 years post divorce and just figuring this out recently...

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Old 06-03-2017, 12:31 PM
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I personally dont think codependency has anything to do with educating yourself on addiction and recovery.

No neither do I but I think it does when we use our education and theories to make things sound better then they really are. In this case saying that OP AH was making progress when he clearly isn't and using the latest stuff you have learnt which, may or may not be true in reality, to prove that.
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Old 06-03-2017, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
Batchel,
These are honest opinions and nothing that a spouse shouldnt be able to share with their partner. The rules dont really change just because alcohol is involved. Thats giving way too much power to a substance.
Alcohol Giving way too much power to a substance? Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, but it feels dangerous to me to post something like this on an addiction support board. One shouldn't ever play down the power of "this substance" to destroy lives, both of those who are addicted and those who love them.
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Old 06-03-2017, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Needabreak View Post
Alcohol Giving way too much power to a substance? Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, but it feels dangerous to me to post something like this on an addiction support board. One shouldn't ever play down the power of "this substance" to destroy lives, both of those who are addicted and those who love them.
I interpret aliciagr to mean that what's going on in the relationship is what's most helpful to focus on, not whether there is a substance or not. We get way too wrapped up in monitoring the substance, when it's all of the behaviors, omissions, ways of relating, etc. that are the actual problem. I think it's important to keep her point in mind. It's why sobriety, in and of itself, is just a start and why recovery is so very different than mere abstinence. She's not playing down the power of the substance, she's pointing out the importance in how we conduct ourselves in relationships.
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Old 06-03-2017, 01:49 PM
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Thanks Fallenangelina. And I don't disagree with the comment (if it is as you interpreted it) at all. But I would say that, in my experience, conventional thinking kind of gets thrown out the window once substances are involved. There is a certain insanity when it comes to alcoholism or any other addiction. I was with my ex partner for years before he became addicted, and found him to be basically honest. But once the binge drinking and cocaine started, he lied like nothing I have ever encountered, before or since. Totally senseless and unnecessary lies. Mainly geared toward manipulating me to take care of things that, as an adult, he should have been responsible for. And of course I did this, since I loved him, I had money, and I kept hoping that he would become the man again that he used to be.

Several rehabs, relapses, and many thousands of dollars later, I left him. Now, 3 years have passed, part of which he spent in prison after being involved in a deadly accident while under the influence. He is still drinking and using. And not the least bit interested in stopping. I've moved on. I'm very thankful I was able to let go, and that it is not my problem anymore.

One could make plausible arguments on both sides as to whether the substances are the cause of this insane behavior or the symptoms of some underlying pathology. But no one should ever underestimate how bad things can get, or how much of our own lives we can lose dealing with the behavior of an addict.

Being wrapped up in monitoring use of a substance is pointless. If we know they're using, then we know. No point in monitoring.

But expecting that they will come to realize that they need to stop, or that there is some medical or therapeutic cure, or that they will be able to EVER share anything in an honest way is a risky proposition. Some do. But many don't.
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Old 06-03-2017, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
I personally dont think codependency has anything to do with educating yourself on addiction and recovery.

No neither do I but I think it does when we use our education and theories to make things sound better then they really are. In this case saying that OP AH was making progress when he clearly isn't and using the latest stuff you have learnt which, may or may not be true in reality, to prove that.
To me, Codependency is more about feeling the need to control or fix something.
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Old 06-03-2017, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
I interpret aliciagr to mean that what's going on in the relationship is what's most helpful to focus on, not whether there is a substance or not. We get way too wrapped up in monitoring the substance, when it's all of the behaviors, omissions, ways of relating, etc. that are the actual problem. I think it's important to keep her point in mind. It's why sobriety, in and of itself, is just a start and why recovery is so very different than mere abstinence. She's not playing down the power of the substance, she's pointing out the importance in how we conduct ourselves in relationships.
Yes. Im very respectful of the power of substances because of the crazy I dealt with in regards to my own husband.
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Old 06-03-2017, 10:19 PM
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Here's my update:

AH came clean when I asked that he had NOT been taking Antabuse when he drank last sunday. He apparently decided to stop about 3 weeks prior. He has been on Antabuse since Jan and my repeated comment is that you need to do more for recovery then just take a pill. Apparently that frustrated him enough that he decided that he had things under control enough without it so decided to stop so that he could prove to me that he did. Well, he didn't and I think he realizes that now. That was a pretty big blow to me. After all of the lies and everything else, it shouldn't be. But there had been nothing that significant recently and the fact that everyday he popped out a pill and chucked into in the garbage to make it look like he was taking them but wasn't felt pretty bad. He also stated several times that he was still taking them and rally wasn't. Either way, I believe him when he gives this explanation. I truly think he thought he had it under control. It's painfully obvious to the rest of us but not to him.

So now he is apologetic, making changes to make him healthier (eating better....he has dropped about 15lbs as he started this a while ago, getting more sleep....he has been going to bed 1030 on the dot which I have never seen before, dropped chewing tobacco, etc), he is being nice as well as patient, and most importantly he is looking into more treatment options, etc. He is also reflecting probably the best I have seen on his shortcoming. Specifically getting agitated for no reason and taking too much on that gets him into a bad place mentally and physically.

So...where am I with this? It is TOUGH. I feel like how many times can we go in this circle?? Mess up, apologize, vow to do better, reinstil some faith, drink again. Though some of what he is saying now is truly better than most recent years, should I really trust him this time?? I feel like only time will tell. But how much time do I give this man? It feels like it could be endless if I let it.

I scratched the surface on the subject of proceeding with a more permanent separation and that did not go over well. 1. He turns into the angry version of the Hulk. 2. He is currently commuting 1.5 hours for work so the first thing he vows to do is move away. Having 2 young kids this is not good. 3. He also indicated that he would argue for full custody of the kids which seems crazy to me but not sure. That is terrifying to me. 4. He seems to be like the "ok we are divorcing, let's cut all contact and not discuss at all". I always thought we could mostly work together but that is questionable at this point.

So all in all, I don't know that my feelings about my situation have changed that much except for a few heart strings being pulled when I see him doing some of the things I have been wanting to see for years. However I am getting cold feet. I am depressed about the idea of not seeing my kids daily. Also having to live being concerned with their safety. This type of stuff makes te idea of staying married to and living with an alcoholic sound not so bad.

Open to input, comments, suggestions. Thanks everyone!!
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Old 06-03-2017, 10:26 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
batchel, I think the members who've said it's not a good idea to get involved w/making a "laundry list" for him to check off. I think they are exactly right that he will use this to guilt you and beat you up, saying that he did everything you wanted and how you are so unreasonable and holy cow, he worked so hard and YOU STILL AREN'T HAPPY, what do you WANT?!?

Then, if you have any fears he can play on (which I surely did), you'll hear how you will never find anyone who can meet your ridiculous standards, there is no one else who would put up with you, etc., so that you end up truly afraid that you really ARE doomed to a life of being alone b/c you are just too demanding.

I do agree w/Anvil, though, that no drinking ever (and no substituting another addiction for drinking) is an absolute necessity. Until that condition is met, and met for an extended period of time (a year minimum?), there is no point in talking about anything else. If you make that point non-negotiable, I'm guessing that will cut the discussion pretty short...

It took me many, many small steps to finally get XAH out of the house, so I can relate to this. I remember him asking me once, after a period of maybe 2 weeks tops of alleged sobriety, when our sex life would return to normal, b/c if it didn't do so soon, well then, what was even the point of him getting sober? After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I said "I have no clue when/if that might happen, but considering that we've been struggling here for YEARS, I don't think that it's gonna be in terms of a couple of weeks." Looking back, yep, "recovery" was all about what HE wanted, which should have been a red flag for me that it really wasn’t recovery at all.

Another time he was berating me about some issues in the marriage that were "preventing him from getting sober" (honestly don't even remember what the problem(s) was/were). He blathered on in a very non-specific manner about these things and finally I said "I'm not sure exactly what you want to happen. Can you describe what this would look like?" He stopped, sat there for a minute, started to talk a couple of times, then finally said "I have no idea. I really don't know." OK, kudos to you for saying that, at least!

In my case, there was a certain amount of his trying to keep the status quo, but looking back, and speaking with as much honesty as I can muster, it was way more on me--I really, really, REALLY didn't want to have to change things. Not my finances, not how the work around here got done, not how I spent my time, not a damn thing. I was unhappy but secure in it, if that makes any kind of twisted sense to you.

Once he finally moved out, he made no attempts of any kind to get back together. We do talk regularly, and he’s helped me w/a number of things—learning snowblower maintenance, getting vast amounts of contractor stuff sold/donated out of brother’s big pole barn here, etc. But he doesn’t ask about moving back out here, or getting together again. And this has really made me take a long, hard look at my part in all we went through—how much of this could I have avoided had I been more willing to stand on my own 2 feet sooner? While I didn’t cause the drinking, I am a LOT more responsible for how long I stayed in the marriage and for what I was willing to accept as “good enough” than I would have admitted even 6 months ago, let alone back when I was in the thick of it.

Good luck, batchel, and stay strong. Things do look really, really different from the outside, and I think you’ve already experienced some of that.
This is me also. I do love this man, but like an older annoying brother kind of love. Not as a husband. I don't want this life anymore. However it is convenient, and arguably better for my kids at this point. And because the arrangements after divorce seem dauntingly ugly right now. I don't know how to get passed this point. I'm afraid I will regret my decision. I mean, what if this is the time he gets sober for real...right?!
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Old 06-03-2017, 10:42 PM
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He's TRYING to scare you. He's basically DARING you to try divorcing him. First, are you documenting his drinking? Keeping a log? That will help when/if you go to court. Remember, his alcoholism WILL progress. As I predicted, he had this relapse planned. He's using your comments about relying on a pill to put some of the blame on you. That's BS. He knew he would drink, and that's why he quit taking the Antabuse. I'd be willing to bet that wasn't the FIRST drink he'd had, either--my bet is that he started drinking as soon as the Antabuse wore off and has been hiding it. He hasn't been truthful about anything else, has he?

Have you talked to a lawyer? Even if you stayed, you wouldn't be able to protect the kids from the effects of living with an alcoholic parent. The lawyer may be able to explain the likelihood of getting supervised visitation, alcohol monitoring, etc. If he WERE to move an hour and a half away, it seems unlikely you'd have shared custody. It would be unworkable for the kids' schooling to be traveling back and forth during the week.

I'd strongly recommend getting some legal advice.
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Old 06-04-2017, 02:09 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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I have no legal knowledge, of course, but I don't think your concerns about him getting sole custody are at all valid. If he moves an hour and a half away, I'm guessing the kids will perhaps spend some weekends w/him. HE is the one choosing to move far away, NOT you, and I cannot imagine why the court would say "yes, we will allow this man to take the kids far away and have sole custody." I don't think these fears are reasonable in any way.

I'm afraid I will regret my decision.
When I felt the same, my brother told me "then you can get remarried, IF that happens." Good point, that option does exist, IF that happens.

I mean, what if this is the time he gets sober for real...right?!
IF this is the time he gets sober for real, he will accept that he has caused a ton of damage and will deal w/making it right as best he can. If he does NOT feel and act in such a manner, you've just wasted more years of your life as well as your children's.

This article might give you an idea of what he needs to do to maintain sobriety: https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page

I also suggest you go over to the A side of the forum, "Newcomers" and the like. Read what folks there have to say about what they do to stay sober and to see what recovery really looks like. Then look at AH.

Lexie is right, I think, when she says that he was drinking as soon as the Antabuse wore off; it's just that he didn't get caught right off the bat. So you have yet another round of drinking, hiding and lying.

Have you heard the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes"? I'm not really seeing anything change here. Eating better and cutting out the chewing tobacco is NOT going to keep him sober, batchel. He has lied to you yet again. These are NOT steps forward. Nothing has changed.
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Old 06-04-2017, 04:06 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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And batchel, one more thing:

I don't know how to get passed this point.
You do it by continuing to move forward. Do NOT stop the divorce proceedings.

Actually, a second thing too:

However it is convenient, and arguably better for my kids at this point.
I do not see this at all. Have you read over on the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" thread? I have never, ever seen anyone post that they wish they would have been able to continue living with their alcoholic parent. The common theme is "my god, why didn't the sober parent get us out sooner?!" I grew up in a family that was deeply dysfunctional, although not alcoholic, and I can tell you that all of us kids would gladly have lived in a box under the freeway rather than lead the life we did w/our abusive stepfather. However, being kids, we didn't have that choice, and neither do yours.
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Old 06-04-2017, 06:40 AM
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Have you read over on the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" thread?
Ack, this is not the right wording, sorry. It is an entire forum section, found here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
Here's my update:

AH came clean when I asked that he had NOT been taking Antabuse when he drank last sunday. He apparently decided to stop about 3 weeks prior. He has been on Antabuse since Jan and my repeated comment is that you need to do more for recovery then just take a pill. Apparently that frustrated him enough that he decided that he had things under control enough without it so decided to stop so that he could prove to me that he did. Well, he didn't and I think he realizes that now. That was a pretty big blow to me. After all of the lies and everything else, it shouldn't be. But there had been nothing that significant recently and the fact that everyday he popped out a pill and chucked into in the garbage to make it look like he was taking them but wasn't felt pretty bad. He also stated several times that he was still taking them and rally wasn't. Either way, I believe him when he gives this explanation. I truly think he thought he had it under control. It's painfully obvious to the rest of us but not to him.

So now he is apologetic, making changes to make him healthier (eating better....he has dropped about 15lbs as he started this a while ago, getting more sleep....he has been going to bed 1030 on the dot which I have never seen before, dropped chewing tobacco, etc), he is being nice as well as patient, and most importantly he is looking into more treatment options, etc. He is also reflecting probably the best I have seen on his shortcoming. Specifically getting agitated for no reason and taking too much on that gets him into a bad place mentally and physically.

So...where am I with this? It is TOUGH. I feel like how many times can we go in this circle?? Mess up, apologize, vow to do better, reinstil some faith, drink again. Though some of what he is saying now is truly better than most recent years, should I really trust him this time?? I feel like only time will tell. But how much time do I give this man? It feels like it could be endless if I let it.

I scratched the surface on the subject of proceeding with a more permanent separation and that did not go over well. 1. He turns into the angry version of the Hulk. 2. He is currently commuting 1.5 hours for work so the first thing he vows to do is move away. Having 2 young kids this is not good. 3. He also indicated that he would argue for full custody of the kids which seems crazy to me but not sure. That is terrifying to me. 4. He seems to be like the "ok we are divorcing, let's cut all contact and not discuss at all". I always thought we could mostly work together but that is questionable at this point.

So all in all, I don't know that my feelings about my situation have changed that much except for a few heart strings being pulled when I see him doing some of the things I have been wanting to see for years. However I am getting cold feet. I am depressed about the idea of not seeing my kids daily. Also having to live being concerned with their safety. This type of stuff makes te idea of staying married to and living with an alcoholic sound not so bad.

Open to input, comments, suggestions. Thanks everyone!!
Sounds like he's operating straight from the alcoholic playbook. My ex also made all of those same threats, it seems to be a very common experience among those who are trying to end a relationship with an alcoholic.

He was going to leave the country and I would never hear from him again. Sadly did not follow through on that.

He wasn't going to pay child support. Or he was only going to pay it on his terms and he would need "receipts" for everything I was spending "his" money on. Tried and failed.

He was going to take our son away from me. Tried and failed.

He wasn't going to do any type of alcohol treatment or sobriety monitoring as a condition of visitation because he didn't need it. His out of control drinking was all due to me being the worst person on Earth, so with his perfect new wife and life his drinking was magically under control and he didn't need to prove it to anyone. Another fail.

He was going to "destroy" me in court. More failing.

He was going to go to his lawyer and sign a paper terminating his parental rights. A nonstarter. It's not possible to do that here.

He wasn't going to pay c.s. or only pay it on his terms (again). Miserable fail. Mediator recommended an increase of almost triple what he had been paying.

Anyway, enough tales of [email protected]$$ery. Every time he made one of his threats, I noticed my reactions slowly changing as I got more distance and recovery under my belt. At first his garbage had the power to send me spiraling for days. Racing thoughts, anxiety, insomnia. But with each successive incident, I could see more clearly how ridiculous it all was. And once I was into the legal proceedings, all contact went through a lawyer or mediator, which pretty much ended all the manipulative b.s.

Now I adhere strictly to limited contact. Only necessary items, and then only through text or email. If there's a call from their # and no voicemail, I ignore it. If it's legit he (or probably she) will text. Because he's essentially abandoned our son right now, that's de facto no contact. A phone call and no voicemail (which happens a few times a month) means they want to unload some drama. That does not require my participation.

It was hard and scary for me to fight all those battles, but I never went in alone or unarmed. I had a huge support system here at SR, in Al Anon, a good lawyer and a determination to protect my son. That carried me a long way.

Things didn't turn out perfect. One summer visit ended my ex's efforts at parenting or rebuilding a relationship with our son. His wife and daughters treated DS horribly and they visit ended for good when I let them know I would be calling DS daily as was my right per the custody order. I had only been calling a couple times a week because things seemed OK and I wanted to keep my distance and let them have some time to bond. It didn't work out that way, but all I could do was follow the custody order. It also allows me to end visitation at any time. I have done that this summer. DS was diagnosed with PTSD and I won't send him back to his dad's unless the court orders me to again.

Not terribly concerned about it, ex has no interest in anything but drinking and drama. That's what he was fighting so hard for during the yearlong custody ordeal. He wanted to be able to drink freely during visitation. That was literally the only issue we didn't settle in mediation. He spent thousands of dollars and hours of time fighting for his one true love, booze.

Sending fortitude and clarity your way. Take care of you and the kids and tune out the droning and gumflapping of King Baby and his supporting cast in this drama.

ETA: All of my ex's behavior since I left has continually reinforced the fact that I did the right thing. I never regret leaving, only staying as long as I did.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
After getting ridiculously drunk on Sunday after not drinking for several months and yelling and blaming me for 2 days....AH came around yesterday and wanted to talk. Pretty much he had all of these major life changes to propose. He feels as though he doesn't get self satisfaction out of his job which makes him want to do other projects and stuff which lead to little sleep which makes me more susceptible to drinking, etc. So his proposal is to quit his good paying job with benefits for a lesser job with no benefits. He has also talked about going back to school to do something that is totally not in line with his current degree at all. He agrees he has problems, and is acknowledging them, but his solution is to make all of these changes. Which may help but they still leave him with untreated alcoholism it seems like.

I sat looking at him dumbfounded. After being a huge a** for two days saying all these hurtful things, he comes to me crying about all of these things in his life that suck and al these changes that he wants to make.

Is this progress? Or chasing happiness and peace that he won't find?

I'm trying to be nice and my demeanor has been "do whatever you feel you need to do", but part of me in my head is honestly like "suck it up princess. Stop making excuses, stop making bad choices, and start doing". I feel very unwilling to have him live off me and support him through another degree where things stand currently.

I mean, how many people really like their jobs anyways???? We do them to pay te bills. His sobriety should not be contingent on stuff like this. Maybe I am off base. Thoughts?
My experience is a bit different. I felt a lot of unhappiness/disappointment when growing up. However, by the time I was 23 that was all gone. Life was great and I was truly happy.

Unfortunately, my drinking never slowed down.

Imo, if someone is an alcoholic it won't matter if life is grand or in the dumps they'll find an excuse to drink.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:36 AM
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However it is convenient, and arguably better for my kids at this point.
I have to arguable disagree with this statement. It's never convenient for a child to grow up with alcoholism. Lots of un-intended consequences to the children when the codependent finds it convenient to just stay because of their own issues.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
This is me also. I do love this man, but like an older annoying brother kind of love. Not as a husband. I don't want this life anymore. However it is convenient, and arguably better for my kids at this point. And because the arrangements after divorce seem dauntingly ugly right now. I don't know how to get passed this point. I'm afraid I will regret my decision. I mean, what if this is the time he gets sober for real...right?!
Im not going to begin trashing your husband because to me that is not productive. What you said above is really what I think you need to focus on in my opinion. Your future. It may be really scary to admit that even if he was sober, your feelings for this man have changed. You have a lot of life ahead of you and while there could be some discomfort initially - it can lead to much happiness in the future. Im expecting my first child so I think about the aspects of parenthood all the time. My personal opinion is that kids will be most happy in an environment where the parents (alone or together) are most happy.
If you havent seen a family attorney, I would suggest that you do this just to get some insight of what custody might look like based on your specific situation. I would also suggest considering calling you medical center and asking for references to a licensed therapist/psychologist (which is something I use) to help you sort through a lot of your own feelings. Just taking the leap to explore the things you fear, can actually help eliminate those fears, or put them in better perspective. I think you get to make your own timetable, so dont let him rush you into making any decisions.
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Old 06-04-2017, 08:15 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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I scratched the surface on the subject of proceeding with a more permanent separation and that did not go over well. 1. He turns into the angry version of the Hulk.
I think that says it right there. They say around here if you want to see if an addict is truly recovering, just say no to the addict and see what happens.

This guy is counting on you to be scared so you don't do anything.

Even if he IS a lawyer, his previous history with alcohol makes it highly unlikely that he'll get sole custody. Even if he DIDN't have a history with alcohol sole custody is highly unlikely.

That said, I'm not a lawyer. Maybe the "old-timers" (although we are all young at heart, I know) could help me out here. But I don't recall a single story here on this board where the alcoholic/addict got sole custody when his/her partner filed for divorce. What I do recall (vaguely) is the story of one partner getting in trouble with Child Protective Services when she didn't move away from the addict. In the state I reside in, misuse of drugs and alcohol is enough of a reason to call CPS. And of course, stories of older children who are resentful for years that the sober partner didn't leave the alcoholic.

One more thing.

My nanny used to threaten that she would tell my parents how evil we were if we were to mention any of the abuse she inflicted on us so we wouldn't tell them anything. Because we were children, we believed her.

You're an adult, and one things that adults unfortunately learn is just because somebody you love tells you something, it doesn't mean he/she is right.
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Old 06-04-2017, 08:51 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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I think I qualify as an old-timer at this point (and I happen to be an old lawyer), and I, too, have never heard of anyone whose active alcoholic ex got sole custody. Remember, too, that even shared custody often refers to shared LEGAL (rather than physical) custody. With young children, unless the parents live in very close proximity and are CAPABLE of the level of cooperation required for shared physical custody, one parent usually has primary physical custody and the other parent gets "parenting time." When I divorced my first husband, we were in complete agreement that he would be the primary custodial parent for our two young boys (grade school age)--he had the better parenting skills (and had been sober 15 years). We had a very cooperative arrangement and set up a basic schedule, which we adjusted as appropriate. Ours was an unusually cooperative situation, but even so, I lived in a separate school district and it would have been difficult to have a 50-50 living arrangement. Tough on the kids and tough on us. If we hadn't agreed, I doubt the court would have forced it on us. The court would probably have made one of us the primary custodial parent and the other would have had parenting time--exactly the result we arrived at, ourselves.

There are several people on the forum that have used sobriety monitoring or supervised parenting time to protect their kids when they are with the alcoholic parent.
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Old 06-04-2017, 02:03 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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My ex made all kinds of blustering threats about how he would destroy me as a parent in court, get full custody of Kid, etc etc. Didn't happen. Your AH is NOT going to get sole custody of the kids with his record. The best outcome would probably be kids living with you and seeing him in small and controlled doses - this may preserve their relationship with their father better than being exposed to full-on alcoholic craziness, which is only going to increase as he gets sicker. Living with you, they have a chance at seeing him only when he's at his best.

My ex made a lot of noise about how Kid was the most important thing in his life and he would do anything for her and so forth, but when he's drinking, he loses interest in seeing her (he's seen her once, for two hours, in the last two weeks, and he lives less than ten minutes from me). I think he discovered that he can do a lot more drinking if he doesn't have to act sober because his child is around (although he still texts her about what a terrible person I am). From talking to other parents, I understand this is not an uncommon problem -
kids are an encumbrance when what you really want to do is drink. So your AH going on about his devotion to the kids may not last, unfortunately.
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