Another day another doubt
 

Update lawyer filed the papers for divorce including an affidavit as to why we need AH to leave the homestead and a TRO keeping him from talking about marital/divorce issues with kids. I have been watching the mood swings from a distance via texting and messages. AH goes from angry to feeling sorry for himself to remorse. I know the lawyer I got is a shark its the only recommendation that I received, what I don't know is how many of these things are common(TRO) etc. AH is trying to get me to remove it and pull back the affidavit but that makes me feel vulnerable. He basically offered to sign pretty much anything to make that happen for fear of his reputation. This is all a lot and I really don't know what the right thing to do is. So i am trying to trust my initial plan. I have no doubt we shouldn't be together and I am tired of feeling vulnerable to someone else behavior and that includes financially. So is it better to trust the shark than my heart? Probably

Yes, yes it is. The shark is trying to protect you and your best interests, which is what you need right now.

Big hugs.

I don't know anything about ROs...are they public knowledge if he doesn't violate the terms?

Anything that makes you feel vulnerable...don't do.

The shark is on your side. Better than on his. You have your children to protect.
The reality is that many of these guys find a new relationship really quickly and then try to walk away from their previous lives like it never happened.

He may not, but if he does, better to have your interests protected.

if he is so damn worried about his REPUTATION then perhaps he should be looking at his OWN behavior???

stick with the shark.
minimize discussions with the snake.

Orders prohibiting divorcing parents from discussing the issues or denigrating the other parent are ubiquitous--they are often boilerplate regardless of whether there's been a problem--there is no REASON for either parent to discuss those issues with the kids. I'd suggest making it applicable to both of you, except that you definitely want to be able to discuss their dad's drinking for the purpose of keeping them safe and to prevent them from thinking any of this is their fault.

And Aries has a good point--who's going to see the divorce papers unless one of you shares them with someone?

ETA: Tell him if he has any issues regarding the divorce to discuss them with your lawyer. That's one of the biggest advantages of having a lawyer--you don't have to discuss anything with him directly.

I think he's very paranoid about the papers, what is public information or not. Either way someone has to go looking for them. The lawyer was calling today to explain everything to AH so waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess.

I went back and looked at your OP...if he's so worried about his reputation, having a car accident while drunk with your son in the car is maybe not the way to go, yes?

You're living in a place where the police let him off without consequences, knowing he was drunk.

You need all the sharks you can get.

I would trust my attorney.
I let my first husband--not a drinker--talk me into a few things when we divorced, against my attorney's advice.
Worst thing I ever did.
He promptly reneged on everything he said he would do, money wise.
Wish I had listened. I even gave up my one marital asset, the house.
I was young and dumb and just wanted out of the marriage.

I recently filed and had a knee jerk kick-in-the-gut reaction to the boiler plate for my county. A standing TRO applies to all divorce cases here and speaks to things like debt, paying bills, child care, pet care, frequency and content of communication, etc. I almost sounds like personal accusations, which I'm sure is how he'll take it.

I haven't read any of your previous posts, but I'm guessing you, like many of us, are used to being the shock absorber for natural repercussions of his actions. Trust your gut and initial decision. What you're doing is reasonable.

You aren't required to put yourself at risk (emotionally, physically, financially or legally) to make him more comfortable.

It doesn't make you a bad person to protect yourself.

(I might be projecting and talking to myself now...)

The reason those orders are part of divorce preliminaries is that emotions run high --even during divorces that are basically uncontested. It's to give the court the power to make sure both parties behave decently and reasonably toward each other during the process. Personally, I think they are generally beneficial. They are things both parties should be doing anyway, for the most part.

Bingo.

Healthy people understand this. If I was on the receiving end of a TRO I might be confused for a moment, but I have the ability to see the reasoning and shrug it off.

Reminds me of a man a few weeks ago that requested his (suspected) alcoholic relative abstain from drinking while living in his home. The request was met with hostility. Normal people might think the request peculiar but wouldn't make an issue of it.