merrygoround1

I have been away for awhile. Focused on Alanon and moving on. But I have hit some challenging months and needed to come back to this support group who helped me when I left a crazy crazy place.

Life is better for me and my kids and we manage.

For history...I left my exAH after years of covering and making things ok. One night he got a dui in the middle of the week. I knew things were bad but it was a wake up call after failed interventions and hospital trips. I was completely gaslighted to believing he was fine. Look he has a job and provides for his family.

Fast forward to today. He has no job. Doesn't show up for his kids. Is drinking. Failed rehab. He is so weak and unwell. Not the guy I knew. My kids love him but they know things are going downhill.

Praying a lot these days. I try to come from a place of compassion when the ex creates drama ... but like many of you working and raising kids on your own it is tiring. And I am drained. Only in the last month did I find out single mother fatigue syndrome was not what I had...nope I am now battling a number of health issues...directly related to stress and not taking care of myself and pretty big.

Maudcat

Welcome back, merrygoround. Good to hear from you.
Sorry you are not feeling well. Is there a possibility of healing?

LexieCat

Welcome back! I'm sorry things are so tough now, but glad you came back for some support.

It's SO important to take care of yourself so you can regain your strength. This is a good first step.

Hugs!

honeypig

Hoping you find the help you need and that you can begin to heal your health problems. Remember the story about the oxygen mask, and take care.

Forward12

I'm sorry to hear about this, but you did the right thing to do the best for your kids.
Though are you still talking to your ex? I'm getting the impression you still are and may be continuing to obsess over him, which is bringing nothing but some seriously unneeded stress into you and your kid's lives.

merrygoround1

Thank you for the notes.

I am very bad at Oxygen mask so I will be mindful of this today!
I have started eating better and focus on sleep. I am seeing great doctors. I am sharing because the years of putting kids first and living far from family DO CATCH UP and it is not good.

When I divorced ...like many of the posts you read ..what do you do? I made the decision fighting his high paid lawyer I had to make a call what was more important. I decided Kids safety they are so young. So I got a breathalyzer in the order but he retainted visitation and jt legal. I have full physical custody. I do have to deal with him for visitation and sadly it doesn't always go well for the kids.
But I have the breathalyzer.

So even though he shows up at things drunk including kids games. This breathalyzer helps fight the" I am not drinking. " and his environment of "there is no problem.
Three years later it is now obvious there is a problem.

I wouldn't call it an obsession however it once was all consuing....
as thing go downhill for him it does bring up sadness that the enabling by his family and years of making sure I was wrong in exposing what was going on in order to get the breathalyzer was "mean!" Ended this way.
Women do have to do what it takes to keep the little ones safe.

Thanks for the feedback. I too need to be surrounded by people who challenge me but understand what I am dealing with.

FeelingGreat

Hi Merry, I'm sorry about your health issues, but glad you have a diagnosis. I hope it leads you to treatment and looking after yourself.

It is sad seeing another human being deteriorating, especially if you knew them when they were healthy. And hard seeing the kids suffering because of it.

Do you have parts of your life you enjoy and give you relief?

merrygoround1

You get right to one of my problems. What do you do that is fun?!

I work and care for kids and get the housework done. And then fall asleep and repeat!

I did go to a concert but that took months of planning to get the tickets, a friend to go with, and a babysitter. I had a great time but wow tired for a few days after it.

I don't knit, don't have a favorite show....I need to find something to disconnect -- but the to do list seems to rule. And I really want to give my all to these sweet kids!

LexieCat

But the more you give to YOU, the more you will have to give to the kiddos. An exhausted, burned-out mom doesn't have a lot to give. Could you maybe make an arrangement with the parents of one of their friends to swap childcare for a couple of hours once a week or every other week or something to get a little "me time"? Even if it's going to the park or a bookstore, having a nice cup of coffee and reading a book or listening to music on a headset. Get your nails done, go for a walk, or take an exercise class.

Oh, and I hit concerts all the time, by myself. You'd need someone to watch the kiddos, but I have a great time all by myself.

thousandwords53

Some ideas to disconnect from the world but also reconnect to yourself and kids:

Go for a walk with your kids, they can ride bikes or scooter around. We do this almost daily.

If you have a local school track and field: I take kiddos when I don't have a sitter but need some "me" time..I let them play in the middle football field so I can see them the entire time. Bring a soccer ball or bubbles or whatever they fancy. They play, I put in my headphones and I RUN( or walk or lunge). They also join me and I join them, but there is opportunity for a safe way to get a workout in solo...even for just a minute.

Go to movies alone, museums, draw/doodle, journal, read, join a gym during school/work lunch breaks, take bubble baths every night. Our local library always hosts awesome and different (free) classes- origami, zendoodling, photography, poetry... etc.

Just some ideas

merrygoround1

I am really trying to walk at lunch time. I will look at the classes idea. It seems a lot of this is during the hours I work.

I am also looking for bikes - this weekend there is a huge multi-family garage sale!

Thank you!