Sasha1972

Yesterday Kid had her martial arts competition at 7.30 in the morning, and her dad (my alcoholic ex) showed up on time. Good! He smelled like a distillery and his hands were shaking the whole time (to the point where the pictures he took of Kid look like blurs). Not so good!

A couple of rant-questions (and I know the answer to both is: that's what alcoholics do):
1. How can you be so oblivious as to think that your state isn't noticeable? Normal people aren't drunk at 7.30 on Sunday mornings. It's great to show up and support your kid; it's not great when you don't bother to clear the alcohol from your system first (although to be fair he might still be excreting alcohol from the night before, and the shaking could the beginnings of DT tremors from not having had a drink in 12 hours).

2. He knows I'm seeking sole custody of Kid because of his drinking - under these circumstances, wouldn't it be even more important to at least try to look like a reasonable, sober parent in public? Why give more even more ammunition?

At least he was reasonably friendly and pleasant to me (he was especially friendly and pleasant to the younger, hotter moms who turned up on their own without male companions, providing Kid with yet another source of embarrassment...).

SparkleKitty

He is not capable of prioritizing anything over his addiction at this time.

Accepting this is easier and more profitable than trying to understand it.

Was your kid embarrassed? Or is she still trying to cover for him?

LexieCat

I suspect he wasn't drunk, but rather going through withdrawal. If he was drunk his hands would not have been shaking. I know he smelled, but he could have been legally under the BAC--alcoholics are not known for their fastidious grooming.

As for why he's not doing better--he's plain incapable of it at this moment. Seriously. I've been there. If he's going through withdrawals when he's not drinking, he's in a lot of physical/mental pain when he isn't drinking.

Sasha1972

Kid didn't seem too embarrassed, although I definitely saw a few pre-teen eye rolls about him following around the younger moms - and I have to give him points for showing up, as he's been a no-show for similar events in the past with lame excuses.

He was also polite to me, although he couldn't figure out the scoring system and kept telling me Kid was in first place overall (she wasn't).

I'm guessing the shaking (and the sweating, which was also notable) indicates that he was 8-12 hours out from his last drink.

Ariesagain

It's impossible to say, really...he could have had had a shot before the event to hold off the worst of the withdrawals, he could have stopped at midnight after drinking continuously all day to stock up...could be he doesn't even know.

Point is...calibrating his level of drunk to try to analyze his intentions is still trying to apply logic to chaos. It doesn't compute.

His ability to think of actions leading to likely consequences is mostly gone. All the more reason he shouldn't be allowed to influence your daughter...that acts have consequences is a crucial lesson for her right now, yes?

Sending you a hug.

Sasha1972

You know, I think this recovery stuff is starting to make sense to me - a year ago, having ex show up drunk at Kid's events would have enraged me and I would have kept on this anger riff for days - how dare he and what kind of crappy parent would ever and so on and so forth. Now it bothers me a bit (enough to post something on the internet, obviously), but the outrage wears off more quickly and I'm left thinking:

1.Showing up drunk at your child's recreational events is a stupid thing to do.
2. However, he is an alcoholic who's still drinking, and therefore does stupid things.
3. He has done them before and will undoubtedly do them again.
4. They are not my stupid things. I am not responsible for them - I am only responsible for doing appropriate-parent things for Kid.

I still wish that he would get his act together because that would make my life so much easier, and I still think that he should have limited access to Kid until he stops the stupid things because he's not safe (and will take steps to limit this). But the cycle of anger is a lot shorter than it used to be.

LexieCat

That's great--operating at full-outrage level all the time is exhausting and actually doesn't help the situation one bit.

Sounds to me like YOU, at least, are doing pretty great. Keep on keepin' on.

tomsteve

im a recovered alcoholic. i wasnt stupid. i was rather inteligent.
i was, howerver, quite sick- body,mind , a d spiritually sick.
and kept having sick actions until i got help.
thats not me condoning my behaviodr nor the actions of other practicing alcoholics, but we arent stupid.
its how we are with untreated alcoholism

Bekindalways

Good point Tomsteve.

I often think of addiction/alcoholism as similar to a natural disaster like a tsunami. What it does has nothing to do with you, it's just compression waves in water in response to an earthquake and you are in the way. Alcoholism is just a a natural and disastrous mix of alcohol and a human with a biology and psychology susceptible to the substance.

Sasha, congrats on your increased understanding and shortened cycle of anger. Time seems to be doing what it does once given a chance.

Sasha1972

Yes. He's not stupid, very far from it. But when he's drinking, he isn't using his intelligence and so he does things which are stupid and destructive.

I understand that alcoholism is a sickness. I also understand that alcoholics make choices about how they deal with their sickness.

LexieCat

He COULD stay this way, spiraling ever downward for a very long time. OTOH, it was going through the agony of withdrawal on a daily basis that got me to quit drinking. I realized I'd become pretty much useless even "sober" because I was so uncomfortable/distracted.

So I'm not suggesting any great changes are necessarily on the immediate horizon, but his present condition doesn't mean he's hopeless. I know you hope he will eventually get his sh*t together so he can be a real dad.

steve-in-kville

This thread (and most here in the F&F forum) remind me of the stupid stunts I pulled when I drank. I found it hard to go away with the family, always was "sick" or had some ailment, real or imagined. And yes, I was known to do a shot before leaving the house on a Sunday morning cause I drank all day saturday He most likely was in withdrawal. Bet he was sweaty, too.

trailmix

I just want to say that I appreciate these replies. I'm sure that it's not easy to re-hash how you behaved when you were drinking (also your posts Tomsteve).

There is a lot of wisdom in these forums, which I also appreciate. I do wish that more people who drank would speak more freely about how they behaved, thought processes.

steve-in-kville

There was no "thought process" for me. Just instincts.

1) Scrounge up cash to buy liquor.
2) Secretly buy it and hide it.
3) Keep the consumption hidden.
4) Deny, deny, deny.

Sasha1972

Yes, he was. I've noticed the sweating (and shaking) on a few occasions (not that I spend much time with him, other than kid-related events) - at one event recently where we had to sit at the same table, I noticed he was sweating so much that it was dripping off his face and he had to keep wiping up pools from the table with his sleeve (and it wasn't warm - this was in February). I understand this is a common symptom of alcohol withdrawal. (Plus a lot of minor abrasions and scrapes on the face and arms which I assume are from falling while drunk).

I feel compassion for him in a way - this condition looks absolutely miserable to be in. If he were honestly trying to get better, pushing himself to stick with a program and stay off the booze, even when it hurt, I would want to help. But the constant lies, the excuses, the risk-taking, and the verbal abuse he uses to deal with anything that makes him feel uncomfortable have pretty much eroded my sympathy. He wasn't always like this.

merrygoround1

Even in withdrawal they can be over the legal limit. My exAH showed up drunk to an early soccer game. People drove him home but were mad at him for weeks. Our kids are younger and the rush between games in the parking lot at one of the biggest soccer centers was concerning to parents we know...one accident to kids or cars... He was warned next time the police could give him a check.

hopeful4

My XAH showed up at an event for my child last year AT CHURCH when he had been drinking heavily.

When you have zero expectations, you are never surprised.

AnvilheadII

my mom used to drive TO church with a cocktail in the car. i'm pretty sure she invented the cup holder.............

i notice you referred to his shakes as DT tremors. Delirium Tremens is a very serious condition that is vastly different from the morning after shakes when blood sugars are all messed up - they are accompanied by perceptual disturbances such as seeing snakes or bugs everywhere, hallucinations, confusion, disorientation. they also do not usually occur immediately upon cessation of alcohol, but a few days later when then chemical imbalance increases.

LexieCat

Right, DTs are a different animal--potentially life-threatening. Few alcoholics ever get those.

Ariesagain

On the plus side, none of those people at the event will ever give you the side eye for divorcing him.