Need support, part 3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
OT4,
I don't know if this applies to you, but I have recently realized that I have to battle against the "shoulds."
The "shoulds" have always gotten me in trouble. I think it is a subtle form of envy. I am trying to change my worldview to a more pragmatic one instead of the idealism behind the "shoulds."
I don't know if this applies to you, but I have recently realized that I have to battle against the "shoulds."
The "shoulds" have always gotten me in trouble. I think it is a subtle form of envy. I am trying to change my worldview to a more pragmatic one instead of the idealism behind the "shoulds."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Language of Letting Go - June 16 - Surviving Slumps
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surviving Slumps
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all to well do not work.
We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surviving Slumps
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all to well do not work.
We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The abyss..........
I felt like that once.
For me, it was a feeling of hopelessness, emptyness, helplessness. It was so dark there. I wasn't seeing colors anymore, I wasn't seeing any joy, I wasn't seeing anything anymore. I got so sucked up into myself with the pain, that I didn't think that I would survive. I would watch the minutes tick by, the hours tick by. I had the TV on, just for some noise, but I didn't see it or hear it. I sat there like that for days. I actually thought I was going crazy. It was so dark and so bleak. It was almost impossible to even think.
But.............
I did think a little. I forced myself to do that. I forced myself to question "why" I was feeling so badly. The answer came to me. The answer was "hope". I still had the "hope", that my ex would change. I still held onto to "hope", that things would get better and we would live happily ever after.
That was the day that I gave up "hope". That was my "rock bottom" day.
I'm not going to say that I felt happy immediately after this. I was still in my depression, but my head started to clear up. I stopped playing those tapes in my head that went round and round and round. I think I was like that for a few days until I began to realize that the "hope" that I had given up, was a "hope" that I could change another person. I only had one person that I could use my "hope" for, and that was me.
I could never understand then why giving up "hope" would be better for me. I understand it now. I was never going to change him, I could only change me.
So, I gave up that "hope" of wishing he would love me and treat me like a human being, and I started to climb out of that abyss that I put myself into.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I felt like that once.
For me, it was a feeling of hopelessness, emptyness, helplessness. It was so dark there. I wasn't seeing colors anymore, I wasn't seeing any joy, I wasn't seeing anything anymore. I got so sucked up into myself with the pain, that I didn't think that I would survive. I would watch the minutes tick by, the hours tick by. I had the TV on, just for some noise, but I didn't see it or hear it. I sat there like that for days. I actually thought I was going crazy. It was so dark and so bleak. It was almost impossible to even think.
But.............
I did think a little. I forced myself to do that. I forced myself to question "why" I was feeling so badly. The answer came to me. The answer was "hope". I still had the "hope", that my ex would change. I still held onto to "hope", that things would get better and we would live happily ever after.
That was the day that I gave up "hope". That was my "rock bottom" day.
I'm not going to say that I felt happy immediately after this. I was still in my depression, but my head started to clear up. I stopped playing those tapes in my head that went round and round and round. I think I was like that for a few days until I began to realize that the "hope" that I had given up, was a "hope" that I could change another person. I only had one person that I could use my "hope" for, and that was me.
I could never understand then why giving up "hope" would be better for me. I understand it now. I was never going to change him, I could only change me.
So, I gave up that "hope" of wishing he would love me and treat me like a human being, and I started to climb out of that abyss that I put myself into.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I have been feeling really sick from my illnesses and so busy at work as part of my job is in a school and today was the last day. overwhelmed with work. and the other part of my job goes year round, but a bunch of stuff was due yesterday.
It has been crazy busy, one kid promoted from 5th grade, the other finishing 10th grade today...so parties and activities, and took them to a special soccer game on Wednesday night....today was their last day
I have a plan though. and did get some work done for work this week even though .
So when I am working less hours this summer, I will go to Al-anon and to the local center for abused persons. These are the things I havent tried yet due to time.
l will continue yoga and also start some other type of exercise. And will continue to eat healthy and lose weight.
I am hoping Al-anon and counseling thru the abused persons program will fill in some of the gaps and help lift me out of this depression.
It has been crazy busy, one kid promoted from 5th grade, the other finishing 10th grade today...so parties and activities, and took them to a special soccer game on Wednesday night....today was their last day
I have a plan though. and did get some work done for work this week even though .
So when I am working less hours this summer, I will go to Al-anon and to the local center for abused persons. These are the things I havent tried yet due to time.
l will continue yoga and also start some other type of exercise. And will continue to eat healthy and lose weight.
I am hoping Al-anon and counseling thru the abused persons program will fill in some of the gaps and help lift me out of this depression.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I let him come back again and he disappeared again. I knew it was going happen and let him back in anyway. Every time he leaves the house I know he may not come back and get really anxious. He had started going to AA every day and I wanted to believe he would stay on the right path.
My heart aches
My heart aches
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is time to stop focusing on him and what he does and start focusing on why you keep opening yourself up to this repeated ill treatment when you know exactly what you are going to get. Don't you believe you deserve better than this? Can you accept that you cannot get that from him?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There is ZERO reason to believe any one of these circuses will end up any differently from the dozen or more that have preceded it. Keep doing what you've been doing, and you'll keep getting what you've gotten.
Why didn't you post here before inviting him back? I suspect it's because you knew what we'd tell you and you were determined to do it anyway. We have as much power over what you do as you have over what he does. We care very much about you, but I think we are sort of at a loss for what else to suggest. You've received a lot of good advice here. You KNOW what to do, but you're the only one who can DO it. And you can--you keep telling yourself that you can't and that simply is not true.
Why didn't you post here before inviting him back? I suspect it's because you knew what we'd tell you and you were determined to do it anyway. We have as much power over what you do as you have over what he does. We care very much about you, but I think we are sort of at a loss for what else to suggest. You've received a lot of good advice here. You KNOW what to do, but you're the only one who can DO it. And you can--you keep telling yourself that you can't and that simply is not true.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't have any words. you seem unable or unwilling to HELP yourself. he is not the problem. i believe you need an increased level of therapeutic support, perhaps inpatient.
6/6:
I let him come back and he burned me again. I am sad. And disappointed in myself. And he has the car so I will have to deal with that again. I knew he would hurt me again but wanted to believe things would be different.
5/12:
I took my "ex" fiancee back in after he started AA and he had been working regularly and then when I was really sick and expecting him home last night "poof " again.
4/26:
Yeah , he said he was getting help. Said all the right things. I let him come back. Last night he said he was on his way home...and you know the rest. Poof.
4/11:
Please help. I had a moment of weakness and let him come back. Of course it was calm for a few days and then tonight out of the blue.... poof....he went out to run errands and now phone off and didn't come home and I am in a full blown panic. I am so disappointed in myself, and so freaked out that I am just as panicked as I was before....so anxious I can't think and I can't sleep
3/23:
Sure enough I was in bed and it was 11 p.m. and the idiot answers the door and it is a bunch of sheriffs. He said he was fine just depressed but not suicidal and I agreed but they made him go to hospital
3/22:
I ended up being admitted to psych hospital for 2 days.
6/6:
I let him come back and he burned me again. I am sad. And disappointed in myself. And he has the car so I will have to deal with that again. I knew he would hurt me again but wanted to believe things would be different.
5/12:
I took my "ex" fiancee back in after he started AA and he had been working regularly and then when I was really sick and expecting him home last night "poof " again.
4/26:
Yeah , he said he was getting help. Said all the right things. I let him come back. Last night he said he was on his way home...and you know the rest. Poof.
4/11:
Please help. I had a moment of weakness and let him come back. Of course it was calm for a few days and then tonight out of the blue.... poof....he went out to run errands and now phone off and didn't come home and I am in a full blown panic. I am so disappointed in myself, and so freaked out that I am just as panicked as I was before....so anxious I can't think and I can't sleep
3/23:
Sure enough I was in bed and it was 11 p.m. and the idiot answers the door and it is a bunch of sheriffs. He said he was fine just depressed but not suicidal and I agreed but they made him go to hospital
3/22:
I ended up being admitted to psych hospital for 2 days.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
OT, You need to give up the "hope" that he will ever change. He won't.
Once you give up the "hope" that he will someday actually treat you like a human being (which he won't), you will be able to move on with your own dreams, your own hopes for your future, and for the future of your children.
I'm really glad that you are sticking around here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Once you give up the "hope" that he will someday actually treat you like a human being (which he won't), you will be able to move on with your own dreams, your own hopes for your future, and for the future of your children.
I'm really glad that you are sticking around here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suspect it was traumatic because it was unexpected and you were in extreme crisis at the time.
Going in under planned conditions, so you can focus on getting well, would be much different, I would think. I'd give it some thought. It's the same sort of idea as rehab for the alcoholic--a chance to focus on recovery (including your physical health), away from the distractions and pressures of everyday life. This situation is taking its toll on your physical AND mental health. You can't afford NOT to do something at this point.
Going in under planned conditions, so you can focus on getting well, would be much different, I would think. I'd give it some thought. It's the same sort of idea as rehab for the alcoholic--a chance to focus on recovery (including your physical health), away from the distractions and pressures of everyday life. This situation is taking its toll on your physical AND mental health. You can't afford NOT to do something at this point.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I put the Al Anon Today's Hope app on my phone and did the readings which made me feel a little better. I need to print them out and read them over and over.
I messaged a friend and made plans to meet her for yoga tomorrow.
Thank you all for your support. I hope you have a peaceful and restful night
I messaged a friend and made plans to meet her for yoga tomorrow.
Thank you all for your support. I hope you have a peaceful and restful night
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
OT,
I have talked about my marriage on here. I'm not proud that I stayed as long as I did. My ex did the same thing as your BF is doing now. He would "runaway" from home. I had all this "hope" that things would change. Thing is though, the times that he didn't runaway, he was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me.
It was like I wanted him to come home, and everything would be OK, but I knew it wouldn't be. He either left, and I couldn't contact him, at times he would live me without a car, and I lived in a rural neighborhood, or he would stay there, and give me the silent treatment, then turning into rage, then back to the silent treatment.
Of course, everything was my fault......
I lived with his running away for 3 years, interlaced with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse, prior to that it was the verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
What is it that you want him to change? He isn't going to. You haven't been with him that long. (I forgot how long you were divorced)
He is not there for you, he will never be there for you, if you continue to allow him to keep coming back, by next year, you will think this year was somewhat normal, because it only gets worse, and then we minimize it.
I told you that I needed to give up the "hope" that he would ever change, so that I could start with my life again. I needed to love myself, and to know that I deserved so much better then that. You can do this. We're here for you.
amy
I have talked about my marriage on here. I'm not proud that I stayed as long as I did. My ex did the same thing as your BF is doing now. He would "runaway" from home. I had all this "hope" that things would change. Thing is though, the times that he didn't runaway, he was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me.
It was like I wanted him to come home, and everything would be OK, but I knew it wouldn't be. He either left, and I couldn't contact him, at times he would live me without a car, and I lived in a rural neighborhood, or he would stay there, and give me the silent treatment, then turning into rage, then back to the silent treatment.
Of course, everything was my fault......
I lived with his running away for 3 years, interlaced with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse, prior to that it was the verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
What is it that you want him to change? He isn't going to. You haven't been with him that long. (I forgot how long you were divorced)
He is not there for you, he will never be there for you, if you continue to allow him to keep coming back, by next year, you will think this year was somewhat normal, because it only gets worse, and then we minimize it.
I told you that I needed to give up the "hope" that he would ever change, so that I could start with my life again. I needed to love myself, and to know that I deserved so much better then that. You can do this. We're here for you.
amy
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Something I wonder...do you deep down really want him to be different? Responsible? Kind? Caring? An adult?
Or does the abuse and constant turmoil have you hooked on the drama? The endless soap opera that is your life where you co-star? Adrenaline can be addicting. So can being a victim.
Or does the abuse and constant turmoil have you hooked on the drama? The endless soap opera that is your life where you co-star? Adrenaline can be addicting. So can being a victim.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
