Need support, part 3
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What in the WORLD made you think this time would be different?
Isn't it pretty much like trying to drive with your eyes shut and thinking you won't hit something?
Weren't you going to post here before you even talked to him again? What happened to that plan?
Isn't it pretty much like trying to drive with your eyes shut and thinking you won't hit something?
Weren't you going to post here before you even talked to him again? What happened to that plan?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just wanted things to be different. I missed him.
well wake up sunshine......and tell me again what you truly MISSED about this person? i'm sorry, but you let him back again and again and again...and the same thing happens every time.
EVERY TIME.
what are you teaching your children?
well wake up sunshine......and tell me again what you truly MISSED about this person? i'm sorry, but you let him back again and again and again...and the same thing happens every time.
EVERY TIME.
what are you teaching your children?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
I just wanted things to be different. I missed him.
I think, on some level, we all want some part of our lives to be different. Personally, I would like my husband to be alive, I would like to be 3 inches taller, weigh 10 lbs less, and to be able to sing like Alison Krauss....But there is only one thing on that list that I can do anything about (10 lbs). The rest, I have to accept will never be.
I hope, some day, you will put as much energy into a future for yourself and your children as you do in chasing after a relationship that has proven time and time and time again to be harmful. How many times must you touch the burner on the stove to prove to yourself that it is still hot--still capable of burning you?
Until that day, you and your children will be in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
OT, do you think this will be the last time you let him back in? Or are you still going to leave that door open as you have been? You need to get serious with yourself bc nothing changes if nothing changes and he AINT CHANGING.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've made this suggestion before, but I think you need to do something to SYMBOLIZE the OVERNESS of this. Have him served with a letter telling him that he is no longer welcome to contact you or to appear at your home, and that if he disregards your wishes you will contact the police.
This is to underscore TO YOURSELF, as well as to him, that there is no going back.
And be willing to let someone talk you out of it.
He is simply doing what he does. He does it every time. It's like letting a rattlesnake into your house, hoping that it won't bite you.
This is to underscore TO YOURSELF, as well as to him, that there is no going back.
And be willing to let someone talk you out of it.
He is simply doing what he does. He does it every time. It's like letting a rattlesnake into your house, hoping that it won't bite you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
. I missed him.
Why? All you have ever posted about him is he is abusive, he uses you and he is a drunk. He takes your car, used your credit cards. He used your home to doss in. He called you names. He is horrible to your kids. He disappears for days on end ( probably with other women) and is selfish and nasty. He doesn't love you, please do not con yourself he does cos he doesn't. His treatment of you is not love but you allow him to use you and he will continue to do so as long as you let him or until he finds another offer.
Being addicted to drama is a problem I had for a while. It seemed too peaceful when I wasn't being abused, worried out of my head or scared. What stopped everything was the effect it was having on my kids. It was worth every anxious night and lonely day to spare them the ongoing car crash that life had become and gradually I got used to being alone and I got stronger. You can do it too.
Why? All you have ever posted about him is he is abusive, he uses you and he is a drunk. He takes your car, used your credit cards. He used your home to doss in. He called you names. He is horrible to your kids. He disappears for days on end ( probably with other women) and is selfish and nasty. He doesn't love you, please do not con yourself he does cos he doesn't. His treatment of you is not love but you allow him to use you and he will continue to do so as long as you let him or until he finds another offer.
Being addicted to drama is a problem I had for a while. It seemed too peaceful when I wasn't being abused, worried out of my head or scared. What stopped everything was the effect it was having on my kids. It was worth every anxious night and lonely day to spare them the ongoing car crash that life had become and gradually I got used to being alone and I got stronger. You can do it too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
OT,
Have you ever made a list of pros and cons regarding this relationship. I know with my marriage I did. I think I came up with 5 pros, don't even want to talk about the cons. Then I dissected the 5 pros. (Actually I can only remember 1 of the pros now that I listed, because quite frankly, I really doing good not thinking about that part of my life)
The pro that I can remember was
At least I'm not alone.
So, I thought about that one, and I started to ask myself questions about that.
Mine ran away from home, more then he was home, so wasn't I really alone anyway? When he was home, I actually felt lonelier then, as opposed to when he was gone, at least I could do what I wanted, watch the TV shows that I wanted to, and I didn't have to listen to his mouth.
Try a pro - con list. I'm pretty sure you can cross of all of the things that you might put on the pro list.
He's not going to stop, and from the things that you are posting it is getting progressively worst. He leaves more often, and for longer periods of time, and I think I'll assume that he has blamed you for each one of those.
Also, look at how much money you can save on that car that he keeps taking.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
Have you ever made a list of pros and cons regarding this relationship. I know with my marriage I did. I think I came up with 5 pros, don't even want to talk about the cons. Then I dissected the 5 pros. (Actually I can only remember 1 of the pros now that I listed, because quite frankly, I really doing good not thinking about that part of my life)
The pro that I can remember was
At least I'm not alone.
So, I thought about that one, and I started to ask myself questions about that.
Mine ran away from home, more then he was home, so wasn't I really alone anyway? When he was home, I actually felt lonelier then, as opposed to when he was gone, at least I could do what I wanted, watch the TV shows that I wanted to, and I didn't have to listen to his mouth.
Try a pro - con list. I'm pretty sure you can cross of all of the things that you might put on the pro list.
He's not going to stop, and from the things that you are posting it is getting progressively worst. He leaves more often, and for longer periods of time, and I think I'll assume that he has blamed you for each one of those.
Also, look at how much money you can save on that car that he keeps taking.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
I hate this addiction
When I decided I was really DONE with drinking, I purged my house. My last relationship was with a professional winemaker, and even though I wasn't really a wine drinker, we had accumulated all these bottles of wine and champagne. I dumped out every bottle and put the empties out in the recycling. I threw nearly every bit of glassware (wine glasses, champagne glasses, etc.) related to alcohol in the trash. It was one more obstacle between me and alcohol. If I were determined to drink, I could, but I'd have to go out of my way to do it.
And I would drink ALL evening, up until I fell asleep/passed out, so yeah, I had some pretty rough evenings for a while, myself. I found things to keep myself occupied, even if it was watching TV, trying to read a book (hard till I was better able to focus), because I didn't associate those things with drinking (I tended to sit on my computer or something and drink). I started making a bedtime ritual with new sheets/bedding, new sleepwear that was comfy, sometimes took a shower before bed, curled up with a book and a cup of ice cream.
Those things all helped.
I know you aren't quitting drinking, but my thought is that similar strategies might help you deal with this "withdrawal." I still think a letter to him telling him he is no longer welcome would be good in the same way that dumping out my booze was good. It is reinforcement. It is a declaration to yourself. It gives you a basis for calling the cops if he bothers you. You just have to decide you are DONE, really done.
Spend some evenings rearranging your house to symbolize the new beginning. Find other things to focus on. It may take a while before you stop feeling "alone," but it will happen. IF you stop feeding the addiction. Because, as with drinking, every time you pick up the "drink," you set yourself back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
I feel like I am falling into an abyss.
Are you actually falling into an abyss? Or are you someplace safe and comfortable, with a sturdy roof over your head?
Sounds like the abyss has gone again, taking all the distractions with it. You could chase that feeling, or you could open your eyes and look around you. Is there a picture on your wall that you especially like? A sassy squirrel outside your window? A favorite blanket you could wrap up in? Not really blanket wrapping weather, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at.
I had to learn to be kind to myself, to comfort myself. To see small slices of peace and joy around me. It got me to stop chasing the abyss. Sending strength and healing your way.
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