thousandwords53

...you post an update that all is relatively calmed down and then two days later you are reminded of reality?

Yeah...

This morning I was sleeping and AH rolls over and spoons me and tries to progress things from there. I was asleep and passive about it thinking my body language would eventually give him a hint. We already spent time together last night and I was wanting to sleep in just a tad. I even whispered "I want to sleep in" but he ignored me or didn't hear. Eventually he got bored and stopped. By then one of our children started knocking on our door signaling their awakening lol. The knocking didn't stop as I started to get up to answer the door. AH said "just ignore them" and I replied "that is not parenting I can't ignore them" I answered the door and gave a hug and instructed them to read or draw in bed as it was early or they could turn on cartoons. I would be out in just a few.

Well that set him off. He got up, took a shower and got dressed, then chewed me out because "I don't let him parent and make it very clear he doesn't know what he's doing. He has told them several times not to knock at the door and I gave in to them" he went downstairs and not so quietly left the house and I heard the truck start. I get a text that he will be back in an hour or so. I did not reply.

He has a terrible boundary habit of constantly waking me up when he's awake. Like in the mornings, he leaves an hour or two before my alarm goes off. He does not make an effort to get ready quietly while the rest of us sleep and he will even start conversations with me as I'm asleep so I wake up having to answer questions in a confused state.

What he did here was:
Deflect and blame me
Guilt me
Storm off and leave
Resulting in me definitely not getting 30 minutes more of needed sleep because he left the house so I am the only parent.

Am I way off base here?
I am journaling my initial gut reaction as I am trusting it more.
Thank you all.

SparkleKitty

Not letting you sleep just because HE is awake is fundamentally failing to acknowledge that YOU are a person.

Hitbytrain

I think what he was really angry about was that he didn't get any intimacy from you and it made him feel rejected. It kind of makes me think of my situation where I was just being normal and living my life and not trying to hurt him but if he felt rejected or abandoned by me… He would internalize it, get angry, little explosion, and then disappear. I figured out recently that's what was going on. I've been told here it's control.

Mine was getting hurt by me not because I was hurting him... because he cannot process his own emotions. So he would blame it on me or something else and run. I guess until he could heal or come down or get a grip.

That's my familiar experience to this. And what I've been trying to tell myself is stuff like this...
Even if you did do something such as think opening the door was correct parenting and went with your motherly instinct OR if you were (I don't know) disrespecting him or whatever he thinks.. He should just deal with it and his reaction is way overboard either way. In my opinion. Too much over too little. I just woke up from six months of that. Now still doubting myself. I like to think of mine as a big sissy and a big drama queen. Helps my perspective.

Hitbytrain

Whoa everyone. Mine did this too! I couldn't put my finger on it, and I couldn't understand why he was always waking me up… In my own house. It didn't matter if he got home late or woke up early he was noisy and inconsiderate… And often made me feel guilty for even mentioning it because it's not his fault that our schedules are different, and I must not be used to living with someone since I've always lived alone. And he would even convince me Then I would just have to get used to someone else in the house making noise.

It could be "do you know where my phone charger is?" and I'd be dead asleep. So I would go snappy and then it's my fault we're fighting... etc.

But I knew this was beyond disrespect two weeks ago when I was sick. Didn't feel well, and ASKED not to be woken up. Did he come home with flowers? Orange juice? Soup? Or a hug? No, he was irritated with me. And even woke me up cause he was hungry! Then kept me up until midnight arguing.

I guess that's control too. And rude. And unhealthy.

Ladybird579

I thought you were splitting up? I did not sleep with my exah when we were about to split up. It would have made him think everything was OK.

thousandwords53

I don't know how many times I've been awakened for this...or his socks....or that one t shirt....

This is a huge issue I've realized in just the past 6 months or so. I am not a separate person, neither are his kids...we are an extension of him...

LexieCat

It's not hurt or misunderstanding. tw's husband is also abusive. He, like your bf, is self-centered in the extreme and basically doesn't give a crap about anyone else.

PhoenixJ

No- I do not love it when...I DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS THE ah. nOT NOW. I READ THIS STUFF TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND HOW MY CRAP AFFECTED MY FAMILY. slowly IT SINKS IN. tHANKS FOR THE POST.
aND YOU ARE OKAY IN THINKING THAT STUFF IS MANIPULATIVE AND CHILDISH.
sorry- caps, burnt hand has probs with keys sometimes (yep - booze).

thousandwords53

This is true. He has a way of convincing himself and me that we are not splitting up...so these reminders are good for me. He is not making it easy on me, and I'm aware that my boundaries are zilch with him...I'm still planning on ending the relationship. I've been doing a lot of behind the scenes planning and putting stuff into order.

Hitbytrain

I've noticed that theme in your posts... your understanding of how some people can just be that way.

"I" personally still don't get it. I could never think like that or be like that. I guess I make excuses for some mental or morale defects in people because I'm crippled by my believe that everyone needs love... there's good in everybody etc. I'm still balancing that with... some people can hurt another and know they're doing it and do it anyway. That's dark. Makes me sick.

SparkleKitty

Hurting people hurt people.

I don't think you're wrong, I think everyone does need love.

But the kind of love they need is the one that comes from within. It's when we try to get from others what we are--for whatever reason--incapable of giving ourselves that things go haywire. I know that for a long time, when people showed me real love, it caused all sorts of crazy feelings within me--confusion, mistrust, I mean, couldn't they see how unworthy I was of that? That led to resentments and invariably to me blowing up the relationship over something stupid. All the while chasing emotionally unavailable relationships because it reinforced my core belief that I was unworthy of genuine respect and love.

It took a long time for me to untangle that knot. It kept me stuck in a lot of terrible relationships, and it made me hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve it.

My point being, there was no one else who could fix me. Only I could fix me. I had to stop looking to others to fill the hole inside me that only I could fill.

thousandwords53

I also have had trouble understanding how one can be that way or think that way. Understand that they are not always consciously being abusive...it is how they are. They live in a different reality just like you and I do by not understanding their logic...they equally cannot relate to our empathetic ways.

We will never get them to "see the light" or change their ways. It is a deep down fundamental difference. It will not go away the relationship has to end.

LexieCat

But often they are following a very clear PLAN. Yes, plain drunks can be clueless and insensitive. Abusers are quite calculated in what they do, and it is all for effect.

Hitbytrain

Just last weekend, I noticed he was doing a weird thing that he's never done before, (mind you this is right after the first night of getting me back and getting me intimate after a month by telling me everything I wanted to hear sort of), he took me to breakfast and was flirting with the 21-year-old waitress 3-4-5 times. My jaw dropped as she flirted back with him right in front of me, and I didn't say a word.

I've learned there would have been no point and he would've just said I don't trust him and called me insecure and paranoid and blamed that I was bringing old issues from past relationships into this one.

I now realize he was doing it on purpose for several reasons… One because he was laughing. Two because I think he saw that I was just incredulous and he got a little thrill out of it. But I didn't want to believe that at the time… And now that I look back I realize that we were actually on our way to the beach to pick out a stone that he said he would later turn into a ring when he was ready to make a full commitment.

Basically he finally gave me that trip to the beach, but he tried everything he could to get out of it including stopping for breakfast, acting like he was lost, and flirting with the waitress. I think the flirting thing was his attempt, now that I'm educated, to possibly get me to blow up at him so he could use that as an excuse for why we weren't going to go to the beach. And turn around! And then use my temper perhaps as a way to shame me and prove to me that we weren't ready anyway.

Crazy. I might be learning too much too fast and maybe I'm putting pieces together that aren't there… I just feel like I was victimized or like some sort of con or crime was committed against me. Especially if I'm learning that the things he did to me could have possibly been deliberate. It blows my mind. It was easier to except that he's just an emotional idiot or a man child who never grew up, and it was also easy to except that he was wounded and hurt and emotionally unstable with a bunch of baggage, but it's hard to except that he's just a loser and a selfish jerk and that he hurt me while knowing he was hurting me. That's tough. As if he was acting. My brain rejects that because we had so many genuine moments. I mean he was my boyfriend. We spoke of marriage. And love. We made love. He held me. We talked we shared things.… So how could that same person turn around the very next day and craft out a plan to hurt me? Boggling

For all of us I suppose.

AnvilheadII

TW53, do you think it would be SAFE for you to stop sleeping with him? it sounds like maybe you are still having sex? sorry, that's a bit personal, but if you are trying to get to the point of being DONE then continuing to be intimate isn't helping. it not only sends HIM the wrong message, it keeps you bonded to him as well.

he's not gonna change. he is the ruling king. he assumes you are there at his bidding. but given his history you may have to pick your battles, i don't know.

LexieCat

I'm with Anvil. If you can safely do so, I really REALLY recommend that you find somewhere else to sleep. This is not a healthy situation.

I lived with my first husband (who had been sober 15 years and was a decent guy) for almost a year after I told him I wanted a divorce--he asked me to stay until he could change his crazy work schedule so he could take care of the boys (who were staying with him). I agreed, PROVIDED he didn't make it unbearably difficult to stay.

But from then on, I NEVER shared his bed. I slept on the sofa (which I had been doing, off and on, for quite a while anyway). We were separated at that point, in all ways except geography. It would definitely have complicated everything if I'd been sleeping with him during that time.

tomsteve

"What he did here was: "
practice selfish, selfcenteredness. think only about himself- no thought of how his actions may effect others. its what egomaniacs do.

"Am I way off base here? "
no

"I don't know how many times I've been awakened for this...or his socks....or that one t shirt."
nothing changes if nothing changes, so it will prolly continue.

"This is a huge issue I've realized in just the past 6 months or so. I am not a separate person, neither are his kids...we are an extension of him..."
to you, but not to someone that is selfish and self centered- they are the center of the universe and the world should revolve around THEM. the world is an extension of us- there to do what we want when we want. and if that doesnt happen, time for a hissy fit pity party.
egomainacs dont think of others, other than what others will do for THEM.



"I also have had trouble understanding how one can be that way or think that way. Understand that they are not always consciously being abusive...it is how they are. They live in a different reality just like you and I do by not understanding their logic...they equally cannot relate to our empathetic ways.

We will never get them to "see the light" or change their ways. It is a deep down fundamental difference. It will not go away the relationship has to end."

absolutely nobody can get a selfish, self centered egomaniac to see the light when a selfish, selfcentered egomaic is working to get everyone else to see the light. there is no compromising.

just a few years of being that way myself taught me that.
actually, thats a lie. getting sober and lookin in my own mirror taught me that. actually, thats only somewhat true.
getting sober, hating who i was,wanting to change, and putting in the footwork to learn- lookin at the wreckage i had left in my wake and why- taught me that.

and no amount of begging or pleading from anyone was going to get me to do that. the decision had to come from within.

it would have been a waste of time for anyone to try and understand how i was who i was. even with 100% understanding, it wasnt going to do a thing to change me.

however, in its simplicity, its untreated alcoholism. that can occur even if an alcoholic isnt drinking.

thousandwords53

Lexie and Anvil: Yes, I am putting us in a weird place by continuing to sleep in the same bed and having intimate relations. It causes strain if I pull away, and weirdness by remaining close. In a way it's easier to play pretend and go along with it. But I'm only digging myself deeper into a hole and I recognize that.

Hitbytrain

I get that side of it... if I didn't worship him, maintain a perky good mood, show affection, or whatever... I was passively trained that I would be in for a grumpy night, the silent treatment, or another argument,.

Unfortunately I understand the playing pretend thing. I'm sure we all know that that's part of the abuse and the control and his dictating your behavior through the threat of chaos… but I also understand that if you're still working on things you don't want to make anything worse. You're in a tough spot. I feel for you.

If nothing else, maybe you should go find another place to sleep, just to set up some boundaries, just so your brain can think more clearly away from him.

Kiwidub

Most of the men you are all describing here sound like narcissists and the behaviour sounds like gas lighting. My mother is a flaming narcissist, so I have some experience here.