Another chance? Post rehab.....
 

I would like to first say how glad I found this site, first time poster who is at the end of my rope with girlfriend. hoping someone may have some words of guidance.

Have been with my GF for a bit over a year, last 9 months has been living with me. We are what I consider a perfect match, same sense of humor and interests. FF to when she moved in, will try to keep it brief..
2nd month she is here I start noticing her smelling of booze when I get home but no bottles or glasses to be found. I ask if she was drinking and get a No. Over the next months I start getting curious and begin finding vodka and wine bottles hidden all over my house.

I confront her on it and she denies it and when I tell her what I found she storms off into our room and refuses to talk about it. Odd thing is that she only drinks when I am not around, never once when we go out to eat has she ordered a second drink in the past. She does suffer from depression and anxiety. This goes on at least 5 times over the next few months, sometimes finding her passed out in bed when get home from work when the sun is still out. I convince her to see a psychologist, She loves him and goes for several weeks . During this time she has a few more slip ups at home. She eventually stops seeing him.

During this whole time my stomach is in knots and my anxiety is full blown every time she is home alone or I go out with friends at night once in a while. What am I going to come home to I think in my head as I open the door? I even notice that I start cutting off contact with friends because I do not want to leave her home alone in fear of her drinking.

Final straw and my breaking point.....
2 weeks ago she called me from work to tell me she is on her way home as she always does. Should be home in one hour. After hour 2 rolls by I see her pull in. She staggers from her car and comes in, her eyes are blown and she had a ton of body spray on. Obviously drunk. Even more worrisome is that she drove home. I told her I was disappointed in her and we go to bed. No use arguing with her in this condition.
Next day she acts as if nothing happen. 2 days later I cannot take the pressure anymore. I love her but I feel like a parent or private eye awaiting her next move.
I sit her down and calmly tell her that I can no longer be in this relationship as it stands today. We talk cry and carry on professing how much we care about each other and she beats me to the punch with the options we have 1) she gets help and stays here 2) she leaves.

Based on her 6 or 7 other slip up and promises I chose #2. She loses it and breaks down.
She has no family nearby and her parents are both retired and travel non-stop with no permanent home here.
She starts packing and tells me that she is going to check into a in-house rehab. I tell her that I am proud of her. Then she asks that if she goes can she stay and come back after. My mind races and I think about the other times she slipped. I say not now, I need you to finish rehab and then get your own place for a little while and continue to get treatment, after a few months when you are in a better place you can come home.
She is devastated by this and I feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life. She left, right now she is with a friend and twice as far from work. Scheduled to go to rehab in 2 weeks.

My question......Did I do the right thing? Should I have said she can come home after rehab? I always read that after rehab a strong support and stable environment is key to not relapse. However I also know that rehab is not a cure and I cannot handle her coming back only to repeat the behavior in a few weeks.
What to do???????

Sorry for the long post.

You did the right thing, my friend. All she has done right now is made an appointment to go to rehab. What you see in her actions moving forward will tell you how serious she is about recovery. In the meantime, you have upheld your (very healthy) boundaries around your own self-care. Good for you.

You don't have to worry about what happens if/when she comes back from rehab until that happens, and by then I am guessing both of you will be in very different mind sets than you are right now. Again, that's if she goes.

Keep reading, keep posting, you've found a very supportive place here.

Hi, TL1. Welcome to SR.
Yes, you did the right thing.
Yes, you did the right thing.
Yes, you did the right thing.
Repeating it 3 times for emphasis.
Life with an alcohol-dependent person is one of the hardest things there is, as you have seen.
It is great that she is going to rehab.
Rehab is just the beginning.
She needs to figure out what a life without alcohol looks like.
You can't help her with that. She needs to do it.
A sober house post-rehab can be an effective way to negotiate sobriety in the early days.
You probably feel like a mean ol villain right now, but, trust me, this is a journey she must take on her own.
Sorry for your pain and sadness. Here when you need us.

Thank you for the support SparkleKitty and Maudcat
Deep down I guess I sort of know it is the right thing. This pesky empathy gene I have has me putting myself in her shoes looking to go to rehab and basically come out to nothing and sleeping on a friends couch. The guilt I feel is immense.

Very good point you make about her having "plans" to go in two weeks, I suppose that too can be a lie. Btw, the reason she gave for the 2 weeks is that her boss is going to Europe on vacation with his wife and they really need her there. If you ask me is sounds kinda lame considering ones health.

She told me that she spoke to her parents who are in town this weekend and they are paying for the rehab and supporting her choice. Am so temped to text them to pick their brain on this issue.

So you would you agree that it would be harmful to let her come back after rehab providing it went okay? Would it be too self-righteous after rehab if I asked her to give the doctors permission to aks how she did and if they have an recommendations or path for those coming out to stay strong.

I would not let her come back after rehab.
Yes, she will come out to not much, but remember, she is where she is because of her choices.
I wouldn't ask to speak to her physician or counselors.
I wouldn't do anything at all.
I would allow her the time and space to work on her recovery as you work on yours.
Peace and good thoughts.

TL1....I have always said that there should be a "law" that everyone who comes out of rehab (or anyone trying to get sober, for that matter). should live away from the family for one year.....I think it would be more humane for all concerned.
It is such a "dance" between the alcoholic and the loved ones....the whole family gets so entwined even if they don't know that they are. When they come straight back home, the entrenched behaviors tend to start up, again....
Everyone needs time to make the necessary changes....old habits die hard.

As Maudcat said...you did the right thing.

I gave my ex waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too many chances and nothing ever changed. Alcohol owns him.

I would say that what would be most helpful is not spending any time thinking of all the possible post-rehab scenarios. Neither of one of you knows what the future will hold.

But if you want my opinion, in a BEST CASE scenario, she would go to rehab, admit her problem, and commit herself 100% to recovery. And then hopefully she will do whatever it takes to maintain recovery for the rest of her life. And very likely, doing so would include learning to live life on life's terms, and learning to take care of herself. And no one has any idea if part of that would be living with you, or not living with you or anything, because she might well be a completely different person sober and in recovery than you know.

What I'm saying is, you're both about a thousand steps from worrying about what happens then. Try to stay in today. More will be revealed.

You made the right decision. She needs to focus on herself and recovery and you need to focus on yourself and your recovery. And as previously mentioned, a one year separation should do wonders for said recoveree and you yourself. She is going to need a lot of space to change, as are you. I am going through this very separation and believe me when I tell you, that my husband spazzed out when I told him I'm taking time off from us. I'm not looking to add a man to my life but to recover from the alcohol induced chaos that we've been living with for 7 years. He's got to figure out who he is and I have o figure out who I am. If we can meet somewhere in the middle someday then great and if not, then so be it but as far as I'm concerned, I'm just standing in his way if I stay with him. I removed myself and told him point blank, I will not interfere with his recovery as he should not interfere with mine.

I would not take up with her until she's got a solid year sobriety. No "slips". A solid year. And doing for herself the things that will keep her well adjusted and happy. See how she's doing after a year sober. There is no rush. :hug:

Thank you to everyone who replied, I appreciate it so much.
Seems like it is unanimous, won't be easy but best plan. But agree that. Am putting the art before the horse, let's see here enter into rehab first.

Thank you to everyone who replied, I appreciate it so much.
Seems like it is unanimous, won't be easy but best plan. But agree that. Am putting the cart before the horse, let's see her enter into rehab first.

TL1-
You did/are doing the right thing. I can sympathize all too well. We lived together, did not even think about her being an A. Started to see the signs and tried to end it, but still let her manipulate her way into living with me. I too had the empathy because she did not have anywhere else to live, and no job/money support. I did not want to see her on the streets or her threatening to move to another state where her friends(major bad influence) lived. Eventually I detached pretty hard to attempt to protect myself, it was hard. This led to multiple episodes of her running away to a friends house for a weekend to drink, even infidelity. But she eventually realized how much she was messing up by HERSELF. She went into treatment HERSELF. And for that I am very proud.
It was painful to detach and eventually break up before she went into treatment. I still love her, but know it was for the best. We have talked about trying again but agreed we need space to work on ourselves. I started to feel confused about her actions and everything but reading and finding SR has been immensely helpful. Now the fog from the last couple of years is clearing slowly and I feel better day by day.
I'm using this time to reflect on my actions and reassess/reaffirm my values. Working on myself for myself.
I hope all is going well.