How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
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How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
I just stumbled across this in another section of the forum. I haven't ever seen it before, although I know we have something similar in our stickies about how to tell if an alcoholic is serious about recovery.
I think this is equally as important, so wanted to post it here. If it's NOT in our stickies, do you feel it should be?
How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
1. On their own, they will educate themselves about the disease of addiction.
2. They will read everything they can on enabling, codependency, boundaries, and abuse.
3. They will actually attend meetings instead of coming up with a list of excuses why they can’t.
4. They will get a sponsor - the toughest one they can find - who will bring them to understand that they are powerless over others, and that nothing they do or say will make an addict use or not use drugs.
5. They will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that they are attending, not complaining. They will not be embarrassed to be there.
6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.
7. They will no longer look for proof of drug use by checking phone records, questioning friends and family, following, going through pockets or wallets.
8. They will no longer feel the need to give the “report of the day” on what the addict is doing/not doing, saying/not saying.
9. You will see the beginnings of them practicing self-care: eating well, sleeping soundly, exercising, relaxing, going out with friends and family, having fun.
10. They will actually talk "recovery," not just vent about the addicts activities.
11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.
12. Manipulation will continue, probably, but it will be much less pronounced as they become more aware that the techniques of guilt, anger, hurt, resentment are feelings that they ALLOW and are only harming themselves.
13. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in you, that you no longer need validation from others, that you seem more self-confident, that your happiness is no longer dependent on others.
I think this is equally as important, so wanted to post it here. If it's NOT in our stickies, do you feel it should be?
How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
1. On their own, they will educate themselves about the disease of addiction.
2. They will read everything they can on enabling, codependency, boundaries, and abuse.
3. They will actually attend meetings instead of coming up with a list of excuses why they can’t.
4. They will get a sponsor - the toughest one they can find - who will bring them to understand that they are powerless over others, and that nothing they do or say will make an addict use or not use drugs.
5. They will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that they are attending, not complaining. They will not be embarrassed to be there.
6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.
7. They will no longer look for proof of drug use by checking phone records, questioning friends and family, following, going through pockets or wallets.
8. They will no longer feel the need to give the “report of the day” on what the addict is doing/not doing, saying/not saying.
9. You will see the beginnings of them practicing self-care: eating well, sleeping soundly, exercising, relaxing, going out with friends and family, having fun.
10. They will actually talk "recovery," not just vent about the addicts activities.
11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.
12. Manipulation will continue, probably, but it will be much less pronounced as they become more aware that the techniques of guilt, anger, hurt, resentment are feelings that they ALLOW and are only harming themselves.
13. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in you, that you no longer need validation from others, that you seem more self-confident, that your happiness is no longer dependent on others.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.
I remember the first time my son went to rehab and the counselor explained to me about relapse and the importance of getting back on the path as soon as possible. I remember thinking "You don't KNOW my son, you don't KNOW me!" thinking that my son wasn't like "those people" and I wasn't like "those enablers". I thought that after 30 days of rehab the nightmare would be over and we would all live happily ever after.
It wasn't arrogance, it was pure naivety on my part. The truth was simply too hard to accept.
When I found my own recovery, faced the cold hard truth that I could not "love" my son into sobriety...and #6 above became my reality, I was on my way to a better path, a better way of thinking and living.
Thank you for bringing this forward again, HP, it's something even on old timer like myself needs to read and remember and learn from on a regular basis.
Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Ann, I believe it was a posting of yours where I saw this reading yesterday, so thank YOU!
And yes, I think that "special snowflake" thing keeps a lot of us trapped, thinking that we can't profit from the experience of others b/c "I'm not like that" or "he/she isn't like that."
And yes, I think that "special snowflake" thing keeps a lot of us trapped, thinking that we can't profit from the experience of others b/c "I'm not like that" or "he/she isn't like that."
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something else I learned was to stop judging. "Those people" were people who had a problem and were doing something about it." I was doing nothing about mine except pretending that "it wasn't THAT bad."
Thank God "those people" were not just like me, they were wiser and more experienced and in the end it was "those people" who went before me and lit my path, teaching me about MY recovery and how I could live a better life.
God Bless "those people".
Thank God "those people" were not just like me, they were wiser and more experienced and in the end it was "those people" who went before me and lit my path, teaching me about MY recovery and how I could live a better life.
God Bless "those people".
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What a great gift this posting is. Reading it through I can look back at the different stages of recovery and note those that were hardest and what helped the most. I had a very tough sponsor, went to meetings with her and sometimes was humble enough to just listen and learn. In the beginning I was going on and on about all the awful things I endured. Her response: "Well, you picked him!" Like getting punched but it crystallized my part in my own misery and the way out. Thank you so much!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
After a very emotionally difficult weekend, reading this made me feel really good. It is taking an enormous effort, but I see myself in almost all of these now.
I had a realization the other day, when for the first time I can remember, a dear friend walked up to me, looked into my eyes, and said, "You are so pretty," and I actually believed her. Then I remembered that when I was a little girl, people used to say this to me all the time - especially about my hair (it really is quite pretty, a stunning color objectively). But I was internalizing a lot of nasty stuff from my parents, especially my stepdad, at the same time and grew to disbelieve any time someone would make a positive comment about my appearance. I assumed they were either trying to make me feel good (but being insincere) or they had an unhealthy ulterior motive. And in response to all this negative self-talk, I stopped treating myself right. I started thinking I was never good enough or pretty enough or thin enough. And because I could never be good enough, I stopped trying.
Not *really* stopped, I still went through the motions - pick out a sweater, put on makeup, put your hair up, etc - but I didn't do any of it with love or appreciation for myself.
The first thing that changed when I started focusing inward and "minding my own side of the street" so-to-speak was my diet - my thinking shifted and my habits changed - literally overnight and I haven't looked back in 5 months. I dropped 3 sizes and started to enjoy wearing pants again. Little things. My skin looks great. I feel really good physically. It's great.
I know this is a ramble, it's just something I am so appreciative for and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't started healing in a real way.
I had a realization the other day, when for the first time I can remember, a dear friend walked up to me, looked into my eyes, and said, "You are so pretty," and I actually believed her. Then I remembered that when I was a little girl, people used to say this to me all the time - especially about my hair (it really is quite pretty, a stunning color objectively). But I was internalizing a lot of nasty stuff from my parents, especially my stepdad, at the same time and grew to disbelieve any time someone would make a positive comment about my appearance. I assumed they were either trying to make me feel good (but being insincere) or they had an unhealthy ulterior motive. And in response to all this negative self-talk, I stopped treating myself right. I started thinking I was never good enough or pretty enough or thin enough. And because I could never be good enough, I stopped trying.
Not *really* stopped, I still went through the motions - pick out a sweater, put on makeup, put your hair up, etc - but I didn't do any of it with love or appreciation for myself.
The first thing that changed when I started focusing inward and "minding my own side of the street" so-to-speak was my diet - my thinking shifted and my habits changed - literally overnight and I haven't looked back in 5 months. I dropped 3 sizes and started to enjoy wearing pants again. Little things. My skin looks great. I feel really good physically. It's great.
I know this is a ramble, it's just something I am so appreciative for and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't started healing in a real way.
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