Desperate non drinking spouse
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Quote: This doesn't define her or us. Had kind of an epiphany today. I'm trained to think with a kind of analytical / legal POV and I realized I was doing that with this. This isn't about that. its about emotions and believing in her. I'm going to take my lead from her from now on. No one I trust more than her. We've been through enough. We'll get through this too. My being a mess is just a product of being away from her and worrying that she is getting what she needs,
I've decided that from now on, I'm just going to have faith in her and what we have built No relationship is ever 50/50- She's the boss for a while. Where she goes- I go
I've decided that from now on, I'm just going to have faith in her and what we have built No relationship is ever 50/50- She's the boss for a while. Where she goes- I go
That's good you trust her, I hope you can also trust the process if she invests in it, and the recommendations that come for yourself and your heath.
And I hope you have faith in YOU too....the importance of your life and happiness.
I love this:
To love is not to Possess-James Kavanaugh
To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison
Nor to lose one’s self in another
Love is to join and separate
To walk alone and together
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence
It is to be perfectly one’s self
And be perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another—and to one’s inner self
Love only endures when it moves like waves
Receding and returning gently or passionately
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon’s own predictable harmony
Because finally despite a child’s scars
Or an adults deepest wounds
They are openly free to be
Who the really are—and always secretly were
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.
Hang in there - I hope you stick around here, and hoping the best for your wife's journey as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by firebolt 
If she is serious about getting better, this is going to be a pretty defining point in her life....and that's a GOOD thing! The alternative is a slow, and crazy painful death for her, and soul sucking for the people around her. You won't have to click too many times around this place to see that.
That's good you trust her, I hope you can also trust the process if she invests in it, and the recommendations that come for yourself and your heath.
And I hope you have faith in YOU too....the importance of your life and happiness.
I love this:
To love is not to Possess-James Kavanaugh
To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison
Nor to lose one’s self in another
Love is to join and separate
To walk alone and together
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence
It is to be perfectly one’s self
And be perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another—and to one’s inner self
Love only endures when it moves like waves
Receding and returning gently or passionately
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon’s own predictable harmony
Because finally despite a child’s scars
Or an adults deepest wounds
They are openly free to be
Who the really are—and always secretly were
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.
Hang in there - I hope you stick around here, and hoping the best for your wife's journey as well.
That's good you trust her, I hope you can also trust the process if she invests in it, and the recommendations that come for yourself and your heath.
And I hope you have faith in YOU too....the importance of your life and happiness.
I love this:
To love is not to Possess-James Kavanaugh
To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison
Nor to lose one’s self in another
Love is to join and separate
To walk alone and together
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence
It is to be perfectly one’s self
And be perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another—and to one’s inner self
Love only endures when it moves like waves
Receding and returning gently or passionately
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon’s own predictable harmony
Because finally despite a child’s scars
Or an adults deepest wounds
They are openly free to be
Who the really are—and always secretly were
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.
Hang in there - I hope you stick around here, and hoping the best for your wife's journey as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
That's not what we have done for almost a quarter of a century
and look where you two are NOW. somewhere along the way your wife found alcohol to do something FOR her, and then she found that more alcohol did MORE for her. every time she drank she pulled AWAY from you, from the family, from life. she was seeking something ELSE.
there IS such a thing as TOO much togetherness - and TOO much loss of SELF.
your reaction is interesting. you have been faced with a situation that YOU cannot fix or change. you cannot HEAL her wounds. you cannot CURE her ailment. she needs professional help AND the support of other survivors in order to be successful and thrive. she is going to have interests and activities outside of the home that do not INCLUDE you.
and you are mad about all of it. why is she not allowed to go outside of the confines of your marriage for help, friendship, support or camaraderie??? why is it so offensive that it be suggested that you also seek support and guidance? what are you afraid of?
and look where you two are NOW. somewhere along the way your wife found alcohol to do something FOR her, and then she found that more alcohol did MORE for her. every time she drank she pulled AWAY from you, from the family, from life. she was seeking something ELSE.
there IS such a thing as TOO much togetherness - and TOO much loss of SELF.
your reaction is interesting. you have been faced with a situation that YOU cannot fix or change. you cannot HEAL her wounds. you cannot CURE her ailment. she needs professional help AND the support of other survivors in order to be successful and thrive. she is going to have interests and activities outside of the home that do not INCLUDE you.
and you are mad about all of it. why is she not allowed to go outside of the confines of your marriage for help, friendship, support or camaraderie??? why is it so offensive that it be suggested that you also seek support and guidance? what are you afraid of?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Any chance she was in a horrific car accident, had 5 surgeries and is in a great deal of pain and I knew all about her drinking? that she shared it with me and it escalated before either of us realized it?
EVERYONE comes here thinking their situation is different and special. It very seldom is, in the end.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think anyone suggested that your MARRIAGE doesn't work best when you work together--what we are saying is the RECOVERY FROM ADDICTION isn't a joint project. She's got to get sober before she can work on the marriage. Once a person crosses the line into alcoholism, it doesn't take a whole lot of stress for the alcoholic to turn to their go-to solution, which recently, for her, has been drinking, correct?
Nobody's suggesting, either, that she can't share with you while she's in recovery. How much she does that is up to her. All we are saying is not to force the "togetherness" thing before she's had a chance to get HERSELF together. Because, after all, if she goes back to drinking you will have the same problems that you had before--only worse, because alcoholism is progressive, and it progresses even when the alcoholic is not actively drinking. Recovery from relapses become progressively harder.
Her best shot at saving her life and her marriage is to make her sobriety her number one priority. There will be the rest of your lives to share together.
Nobody's suggesting, either, that she can't share with you while she's in recovery. How much she does that is up to her. All we are saying is not to force the "togetherness" thing before she's had a chance to get HERSELF together. Because, after all, if she goes back to drinking you will have the same problems that you had before--only worse, because alcoholism is progressive, and it progresses even when the alcoholic is not actively drinking. Recovery from relapses become progressively harder.
Her best shot at saving her life and her marriage is to make her sobriety her number one priority. There will be the rest of your lives to share together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hi struggling.
Welcome to the forum.
I think every situation is special. And also similar.
When I came to this forum several weeks ago, I was hurting and wanting answers.
I found answers here. Often times not the answers that I wanted to hear. In fact most of the responses I got pissed me off and I would throw my phone and say "people didn't understand how my situation is different"
Truth is this forum is filled to the brim with caring and compassionate people who have walked the path and now offer support and guidance to others who are now where they used to be.
I hope you continue to post and continue to read. And the next time something pisses you off, take a step back and ask why
In understanding the why, I found some of the answers I needed.
Welcome to the forum.
I think every situation is special. And also similar.
When I came to this forum several weeks ago, I was hurting and wanting answers.
I found answers here. Often times not the answers that I wanted to hear. In fact most of the responses I got pissed me off and I would throw my phone and say "people didn't understand how my situation is different"
Truth is this forum is filled to the brim with caring and compassionate people who have walked the path and now offer support and guidance to others who are now where they used to be.
I hope you continue to post and continue to read. And the next time something pisses you off, take a step back and ask why
In understanding the why, I found some of the answers I needed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
^^^
"I hope you continue to post and continue to read. And the next time something pisses you off, take a step back and ask why
In understanding the why, I found some of the answers I needed."
It's takes an uncompromising quest for the truth to get this. Kudos to you HG.
This is a very well rounded article about marriage after sobriety by
Darlene Lancer who is what I consider an expert on the matter.
Keep coming back, there is much to consider.....
https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriage-after-sobriety/
"I hope you continue to post and continue to read. And the next time something pisses you off, take a step back and ask why
In understanding the why, I found some of the answers I needed."
It's takes an uncompromising quest for the truth to get this. Kudos to you HG.
This is a very well rounded article about marriage after sobriety by
Darlene Lancer who is what I consider an expert on the matter.
Keep coming back, there is much to consider.....
https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriage-after-sobriety/
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I hope everyone keeps posting. Peer support is at its best when there is much diversity in thought. I think the ribbon that connects family members is based on the symptoms of substance abuse . It varies somewhat due to severity and other co-occurring conditions of course, but it brings about a set of common emotions, and concerns.
Its helpful to see how other people worked through their situations, and also interesting to get their feedback on my own, For me its not about following the path someone else has taken, or using the resources they used, or accepting their views, or adopting their recovery program. Which means regardless if I end up agreeing with the opinions given or not, most of the time it simply adds a different perspective and makes me think.
Its helpful to see how other people worked through their situations, and also interesting to get their feedback on my own, For me its not about following the path someone else has taken, or using the resources they used, or accepting their views, or adopting their recovery program. Which means regardless if I end up agreeing with the opinions given or not, most of the time it simply adds a different perspective and makes me think.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
sg, I'm going to copy a portion of a post by member tomsteve from this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6480189
tomsteve is a recovering A. The thread is about relapse. Here is the part I wanted to draw your attention to, since you're now saying that your wife is different b/c she has reasons to drink, b/c of her accident, surgeries, and pain issues:
I have no way of knowing if you've done any other reading around the forum--I haven't seen you post in anyone else's thread, so I'm guessing you aren't, since you seem to feel your situation is unique. It might be useful for you to read the thread linked above, and it would certainly be useful for you to read around the forum as widely as you can.
tomsteve is a recovering A. The thread is about relapse. Here is the part I wanted to draw your attention to, since you're now saying that your wife is different b/c she has reasons to drink, b/c of her accident, surgeries, and pain issues:
something to think about.
he couldnt sleep so he drank.
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma 13 months into recovery. spent the next 3 or so years fighting my ass off.
how come i didnt drink through the countless sleepness nights, extreme chemo sickness, serious pain post surgeries, and...ummm.oh... the mental and emotional turmoil to name a few things i went through in those 3 or so years?
he couldnt sleep so he drank.
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma 13 months into recovery. spent the next 3 or so years fighting my ass off.
how come i didnt drink through the countless sleepness nights, extreme chemo sickness, serious pain post surgeries, and...ummm.oh... the mental and emotional turmoil to name a few things i went through in those 3 or so years?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
You and I are cut from the same cloth strugglingguy.
I agree that the "focus completely on themselves" mentality does not and cannot create healing for the family. It is the alcoholic recovering at the expense of and at the exclusion of the family.
There is a treatment program that seems to be far more inclusive of family - it is called CRAFT - Community Reinforcement and Family Training.
What Is CRAFT - The Center for Motivation & Change
I agree that the "focus completely on themselves" mentality does not and cannot create healing for the family. It is the alcoholic recovering at the expense of and at the exclusion of the family.
There is a treatment program that seems to be far more inclusive of family - it is called CRAFT - Community Reinforcement and Family Training.
What Is CRAFT - The Center for Motivation & Change
Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Many responses here are very program oriented, and that's quite common in our society as a whole. While many of the things you've read in treatment center literature, here, or in 12-step type literature are true for some, remember that they aren't universal truths. There are alternatives as mentioned here already.
I don't think it fair for me to label you a raging co-dependent without knowing you, so I won't do that.
I believe the family unit is the most important thing in life. Big challenges met together are not a bad thing ever. It sounds like you have certainly tackled major challenges together over 23 years, and there is no reason you shouldn't do so in this case as well.
My opinion is not necessarily a popular one, but ending an addiction and moving on with life happens all the time. The notion that now her life must be completely different and she must fight daily to combat this addiction is not a notion everyone accepts. I became a nondrinker after a debilitating addiction that ended in an attempted suicide, involuntary placement, and threat of my ex taking my children. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in almost 11 years. I did not do this through meetings or programs, what I did do was take drinking off the table as an option ever. I had rebuilding to do and damage to address and I did that with the support of my family.
All that said, I urge you to seek out the other suggested paths already mentioned here. My heart goes out to you in this difficult and uncertain time and I'm rooting for the healing of your family. xo
I don't think it fair for me to label you a raging co-dependent without knowing you, so I won't do that.
I believe the family unit is the most important thing in life. Big challenges met together are not a bad thing ever. It sounds like you have certainly tackled major challenges together over 23 years, and there is no reason you shouldn't do so in this case as well.
My opinion is not necessarily a popular one, but ending an addiction and moving on with life happens all the time. The notion that now her life must be completely different and she must fight daily to combat this addiction is not a notion everyone accepts. I became a nondrinker after a debilitating addiction that ended in an attempted suicide, involuntary placement, and threat of my ex taking my children. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in almost 11 years. I did not do this through meetings or programs, what I did do was take drinking off the table as an option ever. I had rebuilding to do and damage to address and I did that with the support of my family.
All that said, I urge you to seek out the other suggested paths already mentioned here. My heart goes out to you in this difficult and uncertain time and I'm rooting for the healing of your family. xo
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