Hard Truth From Counselor
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hard Truth From Counselor
So, I had counseling this week. I went in with a sort of rinse and repeat plan, as happens a lot.
This is what I got. My counselor said that I have a choice to come in and rehash how awful my X is, which is true, that he is awful to my kids, which is true, and how I worry about protecting them, which is true. He also said I need to make the choice to work on ME, that I am just sitting here in life waiting for my kids to get older and letting life pass me by.
He asked me where I want to be in six months. I rattled off the things I want to change about me. Again, the same things I have been saying for a looonnnnggg time. Well, he demanded that I bring in a written plan of action beginning for June, and working on it until December 31st. That he plans to not only be my counselor but my accountability partner. He offered to see me weekly (I go every other right now), and he will not charge me for the off week, but that it will be hard in the beginning and I will need that accountability every single week.
So....I am excited, and a little ashamed. It really is true. I could have went on like this until my youngest child becomes an adult. Just waiting for the next bad thing to happen that I have to protect my child from. I can still protect my children while having a life and working on ME, and my counselor really made me see that.
So, onward and upward. No more excuses.
I posted this b/c I am seeing some friends on this forum that may be stuck in the same place as me, letting life pass us by while we are stuck in worry and making ourselves miserable. No more!
So, let's do this. It's time to get a life!
This is what I got. My counselor said that I have a choice to come in and rehash how awful my X is, which is true, that he is awful to my kids, which is true, and how I worry about protecting them, which is true. He also said I need to make the choice to work on ME, that I am just sitting here in life waiting for my kids to get older and letting life pass me by.
He asked me where I want to be in six months. I rattled off the things I want to change about me. Again, the same things I have been saying for a looonnnnggg time. Well, he demanded that I bring in a written plan of action beginning for June, and working on it until December 31st. That he plans to not only be my counselor but my accountability partner. He offered to see me weekly (I go every other right now), and he will not charge me for the off week, but that it will be hard in the beginning and I will need that accountability every single week.
So....I am excited, and a little ashamed. It really is true. I could have went on like this until my youngest child becomes an adult. Just waiting for the next bad thing to happen that I have to protect my child from. I can still protect my children while having a life and working on ME, and my counselor really made me see that.
So, onward and upward. No more excuses.
I posted this b/c I am seeing some friends on this forum that may be stuck in the same place as me, letting life pass us by while we are stuck in worry and making ourselves miserable. No more!
So, let's do this. It's time to get a life!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
This post makes me think back to when I was trying to deal with my AHs relapse after 4.5 years of sobriety. I went immediately to a therapist to try to figure out next steps.
She did point out some "hard truths" to me as well, which I didn't really process at the time, at least in the sense of actually taking them to heart.
And I stopped going to her when she suggested that we both work on a plan to clean out my garage. I had told her that the garage clutter really got to me, and so she said, "Great! Next time you come in, we'll work on a plan to address that."
My knee-jerk reaction was, "Geez, I'm paying over a hundred dollars an hour for a therapist who is supposed to be helping me with Important Things. Now she's just going to straighten out my garage??"
Reading this post makes me think that maybe that's exactly one thing that might have helped. Anything to "unblock" or "declutter" my own tendency to bury my feelings and my own needs.
Thanks for posting this. It helped me gain insight into that particular moment in my own therapy.
She did point out some "hard truths" to me as well, which I didn't really process at the time, at least in the sense of actually taking them to heart.
And I stopped going to her when she suggested that we both work on a plan to clean out my garage. I had told her that the garage clutter really got to me, and so she said, "Great! Next time you come in, we'll work on a plan to address that."
My knee-jerk reaction was, "Geez, I'm paying over a hundred dollars an hour for a therapist who is supposed to be helping me with Important Things. Now she's just going to straighten out my garage??"
Reading this post makes me think that maybe that's exactly one thing that might have helped. Anything to "unblock" or "declutter" my own tendency to bury my feelings and my own needs.
Thanks for posting this. It helped me gain insight into that particular moment in my own therapy.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I commend you on the openness and honesty in your post. You're not alone. Maybe, start an accountability thread on this site too? It's a thought. I bet others would join in and contribute.
I took a weekend course back in the winter. It was an excellent course, BUT to make it truly excellent I would need to make sure I followed through with the "homework" to be done over a six week time frame at home. No accountability to others except myself. Looking back, probably not good.
I was committed to it and consistent for a solid two weeks...and then it started to dwindle because of life in general, 3 children, activities and schedules. The juggling act...and I'm sure I had other excuses (read: other rationalizations to set it aside), but I don't remember. I think about the course and the "homework" almost every week and I want to get back to it. The other day, I decided I would do it and looked at my calendar to make sure it was doable.
To work on ourselves takes time, effort and commitment...and my therapist says "it's not for the faint of heart". I completely understand and empathize with you...and I wish you luck on your written plan of action.
I took a weekend course back in the winter. It was an excellent course, BUT to make it truly excellent I would need to make sure I followed through with the "homework" to be done over a six week time frame at home. No accountability to others except myself. Looking back, probably not good.
I was committed to it and consistent for a solid two weeks...and then it started to dwindle because of life in general, 3 children, activities and schedules. The juggling act...and I'm sure I had other excuses (read: other rationalizations to set it aside), but I don't remember. I think about the course and the "homework" almost every week and I want to get back to it. The other day, I decided I would do it and looked at my calendar to make sure it was doable. To work on ourselves takes time, effort and commitment...and my therapist says "it's not for the faint of heart".
I completely understand and empathize with you...and I wish you luck on your written plan of action.
brave, good...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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YES! This is EXCITING hopeful! Think of all the great stuff ahead for you once you dump out the negativity clogging up all those internal spaces...... you are moving from the surviving to THRIVING portion of your recovery.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Posts: 13,560
Thank you all for your honesty and encouragement. If there is any interest in me doing an accountability thread I sure would. I am going to need all I can get LOL, and of course am willing to help anyone else that I can.
These things I am going to address are going to be heavy hitting things in my life, #1 being to lose the weight I have allowed myself to pack on. It will be super hard to change those habits. There are others as well, so I do need him weekly.
I am blessed to have a counselor who genuinely cares about me and my family, and is in it for that and not for the money. I am thankful for that every day.
These things I am going to address are going to be heavy hitting things in my life, #1 being to lose the weight I have allowed myself to pack on. It will be super hard to change those habits. There are others as well, so I do need him weekly.
I am blessed to have a counselor who genuinely cares about me and my family, and is in it for that and not for the money. I am thankful for that every day.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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You all can always join us in the Gratitude thread with your accountability reports - the whole point of that thread is to celebrate something every day to keep our focus on the positive. It's like muscle memory - the more you train yourself to focus on the positive, the less difficult it is to identify/reach for over time. You'll start seeing all kinds of positivity pop up in your life once you start actively looking for & identifying it.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Happy to hear you found a therapist that you connect with Hopeful. I have been using a psychologist/therapist since I found myself caught up in the chaos of my husbands addiction. I love having a private place where I can open up, and get into the specifics of my life. Having someone who is unbiased, and trained to keep their emotions out of things so that your own light can shine through is just amazing.
Now map out that future, and let your new accountability partner keep your feet moving towards those goals. Go Girl !
I do a lot of journaling on my own as part of my process. But YES, I would be interested in an accountability thread where I could share some things with the group.
Now map out that future, and let your new accountability partner keep your feet moving towards those goals. Go Girl !
I do a lot of journaling on my own as part of my process. But YES, I would be interested in an accountability thread where I could share some things with the group.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
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A word of caution about weight loss - it is my opinion and experience that deliberate attempts at food restriction in order to change your body can spiral into a bad mental place fairly quickly. Traditional diets almost never work in the long term, and the diet-binge cycle can be crippling mentally and is also bad for your health.
I am also of the opinion that as you work on healing yourself mentally and emotionally, that your body will eventually come to its own balance. Work on healing your relationship with food instead of restricting "bad" foods.
Not that you shouldn't work on your health, I don't mean that at all. But I think it's better to add in the "good stuff" rather than try to overly restrict the "bad stuff."
There is a great book about this subject called Intuitive Eating that would be worth checking out.
I am also of the opinion that as you work on healing yourself mentally and emotionally, that your body will eventually come to its own balance. Work on healing your relationship with food instead of restricting "bad" foods.
Not that you shouldn't work on your health, I don't mean that at all. But I think it's better to add in the "good stuff" rather than try to overly restrict the "bad stuff."
There is a great book about this subject called Intuitive Eating that would be worth checking out.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The tool I've been using for weight loss (over the course of a year I've lost almost 40 pounds, still have about 10 to go for where I want to be) is My Fitness Pal (Google it). There's a free version and a paid version, which is still pretty reasonably priced. You input all your information to get customized calorie goals and you input what you eat for every meal/snack. It has a huge database with nutritional info for all kinds of brand-name foods and a lot of restaurants (mostly chains but even some smaller ones). I find it very helpful in reducing mindless munching and maintaining a healthy diet. There's also a terrific online forum to support others with whatever their goals may be. The emphasis is on good health--it will warn you if you aren't taking in a safe number of calories, for instance.
When you are carrying around extra pounds, getting rid of it can be VERY satisfying.
When you are carrying around extra pounds, getting rid of it can be VERY satisfying.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Having goals and being motivated to work towards them is great! It makes you feel like you're really participating in life, rather than just reacting to it or having things happen to you. For me, determining that I was going to find a creative outlet and stick to it was huge in making me feel more like a complete human being and less like a hostage to an alcoholic ex's misbehavior.
One thought with the weight loss thing - I'd suggest focusing on getting more exercise in rather than cutting your food intake (unless you want to substitute healthy foods that you like for unhealthy ones). It's too easy to get obsessed over food in this culture of "good" foods and "bad" foods and lots of guilt for eating the "wrong" things.
(I'm coming at this from the other end of the weight spectrum - under stress, especially high stress, I lose my appetite and can't eat without feeling sick and lose weight too fast. I found that I had to stop fussing over whether I had eaten enough that day and whether I could get a meal down without being nauseated, and just eat when I was hungry and didn't eat when I wasn't hungry, and not pay too much attention to food beyond that).
One thought with the weight loss thing - I'd suggest focusing on getting more exercise in rather than cutting your food intake (unless you want to substitute healthy foods that you like for unhealthy ones). It's too easy to get obsessed over food in this culture of "good" foods and "bad" foods and lots of guilt for eating the "wrong" things.
(I'm coming at this from the other end of the weight spectrum - under stress, especially high stress, I lose my appetite and can't eat without feeling sick and lose weight too fast. I found that I had to stop fussing over whether I had eaten enough that day and whether I could get a meal down without being nauseated, and just eat when I was hungry and didn't eat when I wasn't hungry, and not pay too much attention to food beyond that).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Lexie, I just downloaded MFP yesterday, love it!
I don't have any preconceived notions about pounds or anything, I just want to lead a more healthy life, and be around longer for myself and my kids. Right now by the time I get up and down my steps I swear I am about to have a heart attack LOL. I am a stress eater, and that is a cycle I need to break.
Just looking for a more health me, both physical and emotionally.
I don't have any preconceived notions about pounds or anything, I just want to lead a more healthy life, and be around longer for myself and my kids. Right now by the time I get up and down my steps I swear I am about to have a heart attack LOL. I am a stress eater, and that is a cycle I need to break.
Just looking for a more health me, both physical and emotionally.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I also wanted to add that you definitely have a gem of a counselor. I have one like that too - he once told me that if I were ever in a position where I couldn't afford it, he would treat me for free. I can email or text him any time about anything. It's awesome.
Since you say that you're a stress eater, stress reduction would be a good idea - I'm working on this, too. I've recently dabbled in mindfulness meditation, and just the little that I've done has been really helpful. Here's a link to the podcast that I stumbled upon that sparked my interest:
https://alexandrajamieson.com/100-me...cs-dan-harris/
Since you say that you're a stress eater, stress reduction would be a good idea - I'm working on this, too. I've recently dabbled in mindfulness meditation, and just the little that I've done has been really helpful. Here's a link to the podcast that I stumbled upon that sparked my interest:
https://alexandrajamieson.com/100-me...cs-dan-harris/
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