Breaking off the guilt
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1
Breaking off the guilt
As many stories start, I was in love with an alcoholic. Aside from that, he is an amazing person, someone I was truly in love with. He was sweet, kind, helped people in anyway he could, ran (and still does) a community for people to come together and play hockey, did construction on the side. And he treated me great....when he was sober.
Before this relationship, I was with someone who was an alcoholic and a heavy drug user, so one would think I would pick up on the warning signs for all of this. I met my boyfriend through my brother, and things started out great. We had an amazing first few months. I did notice he drank, more than I would have liked but I ultimately brushed it off and thought to myself that I've seen what a "real" alcoholic was from my previous relationship and that I'm over reacting. We ended up moving in together roughly 4 months into dating, because we hit it off so well.
When living with him, I started to realize how much he drank, and how often he went to the bars with his friends, and spent so much money on alcohol. It started with him starting to be short for rent and stating he'll pay me back. He would live paycheck to paycheck, and only was to pay $400 a month for bills, plus helping me pay for groceries. He started saying he didn't have the money for rent, and groceries, and wouldn't give me an explanation as to why. He was working a $15 an hour job, full time.
Then I started noticing he often called in to work, and started questioning why. And as time passed I realized he was just buying shooters, and beers, and would pass out on the couch, drunk, after I left for work, sleep it off, so by the time I got home, I would have no idea. I found all this out one day when my schedule changed, and started getting off earlier.
He kept promising he would change, and he wouldn't do it anymore, and I believed him. Naturally, it was the same story over and over again. I started talking to him about his problem (which he openly admitted to) and told me everything, about his drinking habits.
It started getting worse when he wouldn't come home some nights because he was out partying, and wouldn't tell me where he was at, and eventually lost his job. His dad told him about a position opening up at a liquor store. He took it and promised me everything would be ok, he wouldn't be tempted and I was a fool to believe it.
I would come home to him sitting in his car in the apartment parking lot, passed out drunk. He would claim to never remember how he got there, and would later admit that he drove drunk. I later found out he did this all the time. I would try to think about the positives in the relationship, that among other things, he was a great person (which he was), but the lying became nonstop. Eventually, he led to verbal assaults, where he would say nasty things to me, or yell at me, and I was afraid of my safety. There have been countless times where I would lock myself in my room, because I was scared. But there was always an apology waiting for me the next day, and I always accepted it.
I started to research ways he could get help, and told him that working in the liquor store would not help his addiction. He agreed and for months told me he would find something else. I ended up kicking him out before that, and we took a break from our relationship.
He found a house where he is living with with some roommates, and he quit his liquor store job and found a new place. Things were going great. And I kept telling him that I hope he's not doing this for me, that it's for himself. He kept assuring me that he was doing it for himself and that he wanted to get better.
I still struggled with trust considering our past, and we were working through that, eventhough we did have fights about it. But other than that, things were going fine for a few months.
This past weekend, we were supposed to hang out on saturday, had a day planned, and he ended up ditching me for his friends. Naturally, I was disappointed, I was looking forward to seeing him, and he told me he would see me this afternoon, which changed to not seeing him at all. I was at a friend's birthday party, which he said he was going to go to with me, and I started getting a bunch of nasty text messages from him. He said he was doing all these things for me to help our relationship, and all I do is get mad at him for going out with his friends. I proceeded to explain to him that he kept making plans with me and breaking it, and that I wished he would communicate a bit better. He was drunk, and was telling me that I essentially made him miserable and I was asking him alot to give up alcohol (which he claimed was for his own personal wellbeing previously), and that I need to get a hobby to stop being so picky about his drinking, etc.
I realized at that moment that I have done so much for him, forgiven him for all the empty promises, the threats, the inconsistency, and supported him 100% of the way. And yet, here he was talking to me about what a horrible person I was for "forcing" this on him.
I couldn't even respond to him. I didn't know what to say. I avoided him the next day and he texted me asking me where I was. I proceeded to tell him I didn't want to see him because he is cruel and hurtful. He apologized to me through text and he said he was an unstable person.
I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him, I didn't want to, I was scared and hurt. He texted me last night that he needed me. I had no idea what to say. I didn't want him to need me. I thought about what to say for a long time and responded to him the next day that if he wanted to talk, he could come over. He sent me a text right after saying he couldn't because he was too drunk to drive.
And that was the moment. That was the moment I hit my bottom because I realized no matter what, this will always plague our relationship. And what hurt is that I was still willing to put myself through that. I had to stop myself and force myself to end it. No matter how painful, I can't keep going on this Rollercoaster rice.
The worst is how guilty I feel. I love him and I told him I would support him, but I can't. Not anymore, anyway. I guess I just need some guidance on how to heal from this, anything will help.
Thank you all in advance.
Before this relationship, I was with someone who was an alcoholic and a heavy drug user, so one would think I would pick up on the warning signs for all of this. I met my boyfriend through my brother, and things started out great. We had an amazing first few months. I did notice he drank, more than I would have liked but I ultimately brushed it off and thought to myself that I've seen what a "real" alcoholic was from my previous relationship and that I'm over reacting. We ended up moving in together roughly 4 months into dating, because we hit it off so well.
When living with him, I started to realize how much he drank, and how often he went to the bars with his friends, and spent so much money on alcohol. It started with him starting to be short for rent and stating he'll pay me back. He would live paycheck to paycheck, and only was to pay $400 a month for bills, plus helping me pay for groceries. He started saying he didn't have the money for rent, and groceries, and wouldn't give me an explanation as to why. He was working a $15 an hour job, full time.
Then I started noticing he often called in to work, and started questioning why. And as time passed I realized he was just buying shooters, and beers, and would pass out on the couch, drunk, after I left for work, sleep it off, so by the time I got home, I would have no idea. I found all this out one day when my schedule changed, and started getting off earlier.
He kept promising he would change, and he wouldn't do it anymore, and I believed him. Naturally, it was the same story over and over again. I started talking to him about his problem (which he openly admitted to) and told me everything, about his drinking habits.
It started getting worse when he wouldn't come home some nights because he was out partying, and wouldn't tell me where he was at, and eventually lost his job. His dad told him about a position opening up at a liquor store. He took it and promised me everything would be ok, he wouldn't be tempted and I was a fool to believe it.
I would come home to him sitting in his car in the apartment parking lot, passed out drunk. He would claim to never remember how he got there, and would later admit that he drove drunk. I later found out he did this all the time. I would try to think about the positives in the relationship, that among other things, he was a great person (which he was), but the lying became nonstop. Eventually, he led to verbal assaults, where he would say nasty things to me, or yell at me, and I was afraid of my safety. There have been countless times where I would lock myself in my room, because I was scared. But there was always an apology waiting for me the next day, and I always accepted it.
I started to research ways he could get help, and told him that working in the liquor store would not help his addiction. He agreed and for months told me he would find something else. I ended up kicking him out before that, and we took a break from our relationship.
He found a house where he is living with with some roommates, and he quit his liquor store job and found a new place. Things were going great. And I kept telling him that I hope he's not doing this for me, that it's for himself. He kept assuring me that he was doing it for himself and that he wanted to get better.
I still struggled with trust considering our past, and we were working through that, eventhough we did have fights about it. But other than that, things were going fine for a few months.
This past weekend, we were supposed to hang out on saturday, had a day planned, and he ended up ditching me for his friends. Naturally, I was disappointed, I was looking forward to seeing him, and he told me he would see me this afternoon, which changed to not seeing him at all. I was at a friend's birthday party, which he said he was going to go to with me, and I started getting a bunch of nasty text messages from him. He said he was doing all these things for me to help our relationship, and all I do is get mad at him for going out with his friends. I proceeded to explain to him that he kept making plans with me and breaking it, and that I wished he would communicate a bit better. He was drunk, and was telling me that I essentially made him miserable and I was asking him alot to give up alcohol (which he claimed was for his own personal wellbeing previously), and that I need to get a hobby to stop being so picky about his drinking, etc.
I realized at that moment that I have done so much for him, forgiven him for all the empty promises, the threats, the inconsistency, and supported him 100% of the way. And yet, here he was talking to me about what a horrible person I was for "forcing" this on him.
I couldn't even respond to him. I didn't know what to say. I avoided him the next day and he texted me asking me where I was. I proceeded to tell him I didn't want to see him because he is cruel and hurtful. He apologized to me through text and he said he was an unstable person.
I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him, I didn't want to, I was scared and hurt. He texted me last night that he needed me. I had no idea what to say. I didn't want him to need me. I thought about what to say for a long time and responded to him the next day that if he wanted to talk, he could come over. He sent me a text right after saying he couldn't because he was too drunk to drive.
And that was the moment. That was the moment I hit my bottom because I realized no matter what, this will always plague our relationship. And what hurt is that I was still willing to put myself through that. I had to stop myself and force myself to end it. No matter how painful, I can't keep going on this Rollercoaster rice.
The worst is how guilty I feel. I love him and I told him I would support him, but I can't. Not anymore, anyway. I guess I just need some guidance on how to heal from this, anything will help.
Thank you all in advance.
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
I am wondering if its not only alcoholism, but a true narcissism that your ex actually has/IS.
If he's a narc, please go to therapy and cut off all communication. Like... forever. No contact. Ever. Again.
Your story sounds exactly like what I went through for many, many, years with a guy. WONDERFUL at first, and then... a slow burning hell, which INCLUDED alcohol and drug abuse. But my ex is TRULY a narc. Even if he didnt use. Sober or not, a narc will treat you like you are his soul-mate... at first.
But these are people who over time show you that they can NEVER take TRUE responsibility for any problems in the relationship. They are HIGHLY manipulative, and I promise you they never change.
Another sign that he might just be a narc, is how guilty you feel right now.
Thats exactly what I went through, and its total baloney.
I hope you move on, and get some therapy.
No matter what, this behavior IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING YOUR RESPONSIBILTY, and its really a very faulty headspace you are in if you feel guilty at all.
Read up on the signs of a Narcissist. Google it, and see if it matches.
I wish you well,
Please dont waste years of your life on this.
These guys will never leave you alone. No matter what. They will always come back no matter how crazy and unhealthy the relationship has gotten. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO END IT, and in these cases it means NO CONTACT. Or else the manipulation will lure you right back in for another cycle. If he's a narc, expect no closure, either.
You will have to get closure in therapy OR somehow on your own. Its a horribly abusive cycle.
If he's a narc, please go to therapy and cut off all communication. Like... forever. No contact. Ever. Again.
Your story sounds exactly like what I went through for many, many, years with a guy. WONDERFUL at first, and then... a slow burning hell, which INCLUDED alcohol and drug abuse. But my ex is TRULY a narc. Even if he didnt use. Sober or not, a narc will treat you like you are his soul-mate... at first.
But these are people who over time show you that they can NEVER take TRUE responsibility for any problems in the relationship. They are HIGHLY manipulative, and I promise you they never change.
Another sign that he might just be a narc, is how guilty you feel right now.
Thats exactly what I went through, and its total baloney.
I hope you move on, and get some therapy.
No matter what, this behavior IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING YOUR RESPONSIBILTY, and its really a very faulty headspace you are in if you feel guilty at all.
Read up on the signs of a Narcissist. Google it, and see if it matches.
I wish you well,
Please dont waste years of your life on this.
These guys will never leave you alone. No matter what. They will always come back no matter how crazy and unhealthy the relationship has gotten. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO END IT, and in these cases it means NO CONTACT. Or else the manipulation will lure you right back in for another cycle. If he's a narc, expect no closure, either.
You will have to get closure in therapy OR somehow on your own. Its a horribly abusive cycle.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry for your hurt.
Give yourself some credit, though...it can take years and years with some people for that ENOUGH!!! moment to finally arrive...and then lots of people try to tell themselves it didn't, blablabla, nothing to see here.
This is pretty textbook...the instant connection, moving in together so quickly...then the erosion begins.
Don't feel guilty. If anything, staying with him would only have delayed him possibly getting treatment because you were there to pay his rent, feed him, and cushion the fallout of his drinking. He may choose to continue to drown, but you don't have to choose to stand there while it happens.
There will come a day when you are so thankful that you walked away when you did. Read some of the posters here who lost decades of their lives and their sanity trying to fix the unfixable.
You did the right thing.
Give yourself some credit, though...it can take years and years with some people for that ENOUGH!!! moment to finally arrive...and then lots of people try to tell themselves it didn't, blablabla, nothing to see here.
This is pretty textbook...the instant connection, moving in together so quickly...then the erosion begins.
Don't feel guilty. If anything, staying with him would only have delayed him possibly getting treatment because you were there to pay his rent, feed him, and cushion the fallout of his drinking. He may choose to continue to drown, but you don't have to choose to stand there while it happens.
There will come a day when you are so thankful that you walked away when you did. Read some of the posters here who lost decades of their lives and their sanity trying to fix the unfixable.
You did the right thing.
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
I just want to quickly say, Ariesagain has the best words for you. Calm and down to earth.
My response was rather intense because your post reminded me very strongly of what I left behind in my life just about 10 months ago, and so my PTSD got triggered.
Listen to Ariesagain!
My response was rather intense because your post reminded me very strongly of what I left behind in my life just about 10 months ago, and so my PTSD got triggered.
Listen to Ariesagain!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
You had a very healthy reaction to a very unhealthy situation.
It may be sadness you are experiencing, not guilt. It is
very hard to see someone you care about harm themselves so
deeply.
Guilt to me implies one has done something wrong, which you
haven't. We can't control another person's addiction any more
than we can control the weather, and for you to hang around,
he would have dragged you down with him. That is not love,
and you are not required to sacrifice yourself for his addiction.
Take care of yourself, and since he was your second alcoholic,
a pattern is emerging and the healthiest thing for you is to
learn about the family disease of alcoholism. There is a lot
of info in the "stickies" at the top of this forum, a wealth of
wisdom and info for those who wish to learn from others
mistakes and understand why we developed some unhealthy
beliefs about love & relationships & ourselves.
It may be sadness you are experiencing, not guilt. It is
very hard to see someone you care about harm themselves so
deeply.
Guilt to me implies one has done something wrong, which you
haven't. We can't control another person's addiction any more
than we can control the weather, and for you to hang around,
he would have dragged you down with him. That is not love,
and you are not required to sacrifice yourself for his addiction.
Take care of yourself, and since he was your second alcoholic,
a pattern is emerging and the healthiest thing for you is to
learn about the family disease of alcoholism. There is a lot
of info in the "stickies" at the top of this forum, a wealth of
wisdom and info for those who wish to learn from others
mistakes and understand why we developed some unhealthy
beliefs about love & relationships & ourselves.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's not all alone in the world--he has the friends he keeps ditching you for, remember?
I still cared for my alcoholic husband when I left him, and he was drinking himself to death, quite literally. The thing is, I realized there was not ONE THING I could do to help him. I'd been patient, I'd hung in through a hospitalization where he nearly died of alcohol-related causes, followed by a brief period of sobriety, and when he started drinking again and was unable/unwilling to stop, I'd done what I could without damaging my own health and well-being.
We have a saying around here--"Let go or be dragged." You were smart to let go.
Hugs, glad you're here.
I still cared for my alcoholic husband when I left him, and he was drinking himself to death, quite literally. The thing is, I realized there was not ONE THING I could do to help him. I'd been patient, I'd hung in through a hospitalization where he nearly died of alcohol-related causes, followed by a brief period of sobriety, and when he started drinking again and was unable/unwilling to stop, I'd done what I could without damaging my own health and well-being.
We have a saying around here--"Let go or be dragged." You were smart to let go.
Hugs, glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Lucille, are you in any kind of recovery or therapy for yourself? Nobody can burst into our lives and manipulate us or make us feel guilty unless we already have emotional hooks that fit theirs. Manipulative men, and especially alcoholics, don't have any power at all over emotionally healthy women with no issues around codependence. Like many of us, myself included, you fit perfectly with troubled men, so you have a lot in yourself that needs looking into. If you focus all your energy on keeping this one man at a distance, you'll eventually just orbit up with another who brings up similar issues for you. It's a lot more rewarding to have an introspective path of your own when you leave a relationship. This gives you more fulfillment and makes for a happier future, rather than worrying about or focusing on all the wrongs of the A.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Lucille259 
This past weekend, we were supposed to hang out on saturday, had a day planned, and he ended up ditching me for his friends. Naturally, I was disappointed, I was looking forward to seeing him, and he told me he would see me this afternoon, which changed to not seeing him at all. I was at a friend's birthday party, which he said he was going to go to with me, and I started getting a bunch of nasty text messages from him. He said he was doing all these things for me to help our relationship, and all I do is get mad at him for going out with his friends. I proceeded to explain to him that he kept making plans with me and breaking it, and that I wished he would communicate a bit better. He was drunk, and was telling me that I essentially made him miserable and I was asking him alot to give up alcohol (which he claimed was for his own personal wellbeing previously), and that I need to get a hobby to stop being so picky about his drinking, etc.
I realized at that moment that I have done so much for him, forgiven him for all the empty promises, the threats, the inconsistency, and supported him 100% of the way. And yet, here he was talking to me about what a horrible person I was for "forcing" this on him.
I couldn't even respond to him. I didn't know what to say. I avoided him the next day and he texted me asking me where I was. I proceeded to tell him I didn't want to see him because he is cruel and hurtful. He apologized to me through text and he said he was an unstable person.
I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him, I didn't want to, I was scared and hurt. He texted me last night that he needed me. I had no idea what to say. I didn't want him to need me. I thought about what to say for a long time and responded to him the next day that if he wanted to talk, he could come over. He sent me a text right after saying he couldn't because he was too drunk to drive.
And that was the moment. That was the moment I hit my bottom because I realized no matter what, this will always plague our relationship. And what hurt is that I was still willing to put myself through that. I had to stop myself and force myself to end it. No matter how painful, I can't keep going on this Rollercoaster rice.
The worst is how guilty I feel. I love him and I told him I would support him, but I can't. Not anymore, anyway. I guess I just need some guidance on how to heal from this, anything will help.
Thank you all in advance.
I realized at that moment that I have done so much for him, forgiven him for all the empty promises, the threats, the inconsistency, and supported him 100% of the way. And yet, here he was talking to me about what a horrible person I was for "forcing" this on him.
I couldn't even respond to him. I didn't know what to say. I avoided him the next day and he texted me asking me where I was. I proceeded to tell him I didn't want to see him because he is cruel and hurtful. He apologized to me through text and he said he was an unstable person.
I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him, I didn't want to, I was scared and hurt. He texted me last night that he needed me. I had no idea what to say. I didn't want him to need me. I thought about what to say for a long time and responded to him the next day that if he wanted to talk, he could come over. He sent me a text right after saying he couldn't because he was too drunk to drive.
And that was the moment. That was the moment I hit my bottom because I realized no matter what, this will always plague our relationship. And what hurt is that I was still willing to put myself through that. I had to stop myself and force myself to end it. No matter how painful, I can't keep going on this Rollercoaster rice.
The worst is how guilty I feel. I love him and I told him I would support him, but I can't. Not anymore, anyway. I guess I just need some guidance on how to heal from this, anything will help.
Thank you all in advance.
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