honeypig

The craziest thing is that yes, I am also afraid of heights. In addition, I am claustrophobic, and this was the group that I went caving (spelunking) with. I think back on doing those things now and I don't know how in the world I managed to do, or even TRY, them. Was I so out of touch w/my feelings? Was I so hell-bent on proving something--to someone else or myself? Was I just plain NUTS?

I guess the point I wanted to make w/the rappelling story was simply that I stood there and watched other people use the rope system to descend safely. I saw w/my own eyes that it worked. And yet I was too afraid to try it myself, even though I had no logical reason to believe it would fail for me when it had worked for all the others. I often feel this way when I read of someone radically changing their life, striking out in a whole new direction, really turning things around. "WOW, that's really great! But I wouldn't be able to do that myself..."

Usually "terminal uniqueness" is "different and better than", it seems to me. Is this the flip side of that, "different and less than"?

dandylion

honeypig (this will be a boring and stuffy post).......I actually think that what you are talking about...that feeling of being "less than"...or, "not enough"....actually, has it's source in an overactive or too stern, rigid superego. (in this model of personality development).
Coming from our environment...culture, parents, authority figures, etc.....we internalize these messages about how we ought to be (superego)...can be conscious , semi conscious or unconscious.
Especially, when we have grown up under very unreasonable standards (for us)...too demanding or unreasonable...we can have a very domineering and unrelenting superego that is constantly "scrutinizing" us. This is where guilt and shame derive from...especially too much guilt. (shame is not the same as "guilt").
That is why, if we received, and internalized messages that were too harsh, and, unaccepting. for us, as youngsters, these things can niggle us for the rest of our lives.....

honeypig....I know that sounds all textbooky, and I may not have explained it very well...but, that is the explanation that makes the most sense , to me....
I sure can relate it to my own life....

Becki67

You make such good points. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching this past week and trying to make sense of WHY I'm scared?

Am I scared of living without him? No, I've done it before, during and I know I can do it after.

Am I scared that I won't find someone to love again? No, that isn't even anything I'm thinking about at this point.

Am I scared that I'm making the wrong decision and I won't be happy on the other "side"? No, decisions can be reversed but once I'm away from him and have that clarity, I doubt I'd want to.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm scared of putting myself first. My happiness comes while hurting someone else. This disease he has really sucked me in.

I feel like I'm swimming up from the bottom of the ocean and I can see that light at the surface and I need one more big kick to reach it.

honeypig

dandy, I suspect that, as usual, your insights are right on the money. I've been listening to The Who, and the song "The Seeker" is stuck in my head. It has this line: I've got values but I don't know how or why

And that's exactly it, right? Stuff that we absorb w/o even knowing it. It's not good for us, but trying to get rid of it is like trying to sweep your kitchen floor in the dark--how can you expect to get all the dirt cleaned up if you can't even SEE it?

Gotta keep shining my light into those corners, and get out my new broom--you know, the one they say "sweeps clean"? Or wait, there's a saying about how "the old broom knows where the dirt is"--which one should I use?

Thanks for your thoughts, dear dandy.

honeypig

Kick, kick, KICK, Becki!!

Becki67

That's the image!