Lawyers and emotions please help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
Lawyers and emotions please help
I met with a lawyer on my 21st wedding anniversary. I am sad, scared, and confused. I have realized that during these times of separation even though we weren't together I actually never pictured my future without AH. I enjoy the peace but I miss the man I used to know. The lawyer is crazy good which makes her aggressive and I'm having trouble. I fear that once the filing is made there is no going back. I don't want to go back to the last few years but I would like to go back to 12 years ago. I know that sounds crazy but its true. My daughter needs me to be ready, both of my kids are ready but in my gut I know I'm not, or is that just the fear talking?
Are there any stories of success out there at all even after filing?
Are there any stories of success out there at all even after filing?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
viola.....NONE of us can go back 12 years. we can't even redo yesterday. that period of time is over. who you were then, who he was then.....those remain in the past.
here's the thing about the past.....we'd just have to endure all the trials and tribulations AGAIN and end up here AGAIN.
i know it feels like you are standing at the open door of a cargo plane, flying way above the earth, and some damn fool expects you to JUMP and plummet to earth. but you have a parachute, with a back up chute, and it WILL be ok. it's also perfectly ok to squeeze your eyes tight and scream like hell when you do jump! no one will hear you over the roar of the engines!!!
here's the thing about the past.....we'd just have to endure all the trials and tribulations AGAIN and end up here AGAIN.
i know it feels like you are standing at the open door of a cargo plane, flying way above the earth, and some damn fool expects you to JUMP and plummet to earth. but you have a parachute, with a back up chute, and it WILL be ok. it's also perfectly ok to squeeze your eyes tight and scream like hell when you do jump! no one will hear you over the roar of the engines!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Hi Viola - There can be going back after filing - lot's of people do it; however, I don't think it's usually advisable for many reasons. I don't have a lot of time to write at this moment, but I would recommend therapy if you're not already doing that. It will help you and it might be good for your kids as well.
I know it's scary. I was scared too, and I backed out the first time. Then, things got so bad there was no backing out. It was scary on the day I filed. It was scary the day that my STBAH was served. It's scary now as we begin to work through the financial settlement but there are things that can help you move forward and therapy is probably one of them.
I really feel for you. You can do this.
I know it's scary. I was scared too, and I backed out the first time. Then, things got so bad there was no backing out. It was scary on the day I filed. It was scary the day that my STBAH was served. It's scary now as we begin to work through the financial settlement but there are things that can help you move forward and therapy is probably one of them.
I really feel for you. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I have been married once. Married young at 19 and it lasted 20 years. No Kids. Divorced started at 20 years, took 3 years to complete. It was a difficult 3 years. The courts give you ample opportunities to reconcile. I had no desire to. Very long expensive process. I was semi retired at the start of the divorce. Basically had to start over again financially after it.
I would do it all over again twice if I had to. The life you know you deserve you will never get if you stay and "try and make it work". While my ex had no addictions, she had suffered some life traumas that shaped her and in turn shaped us. I finally realized that if she didn't get help, I'd spend my life having the energy drained from me.
I have been divorced 15 years now. Very coincidentally I recently have had 2 couples we knew during that time reach out to me to say that they think my ex should be institutionalized. As in she has gone crazy. I refuse to get involved after all these years.
I think she has reached a point in her life where she realizes she has nothing left, nobody to care for her and she is incapable of facing life in real terms.
As a side note she was older than me. When you're 19 and have a very attractive model female that wants to get married, you don't think 40 years ahead.
So I suspect what is happening is she is just having her birthday where she is thinking she'd draw retirement, and she will get NOTHING since she never paid into her SS fund when she should have for all those years. And now she is facing a long miserable road with no one there to bail her out.
So yes.......its worth it....if you know that what you have is irretrievably broken.
I was single for 7 years before having the train wreck of alcoholism teach me a good life lesson. And yes I am VERY HAPPY to be out of that one also.
I would do it all over again twice if I had to. The life you know you deserve you will never get if you stay and "try and make it work". While my ex had no addictions, she had suffered some life traumas that shaped her and in turn shaped us. I finally realized that if she didn't get help, I'd spend my life having the energy drained from me.
I have been divorced 15 years now. Very coincidentally I recently have had 2 couples we knew during that time reach out to me to say that they think my ex should be institutionalized. As in she has gone crazy. I refuse to get involved after all these years.
I think she has reached a point in her life where she realizes she has nothing left, nobody to care for her and she is incapable of facing life in real terms.
As a side note she was older than me. When you're 19 and have a very attractive model female that wants to get married, you don't think 40 years ahead.
So I suspect what is happening is she is just having her birthday where she is thinking she'd draw retirement, and she will get NOTHING since she never paid into her SS fund when she should have for all those years. And now she is facing a long miserable road with no one there to bail her out.
So yes.......its worth it....if you know that what you have is irretrievably broken.
I was single for 7 years before having the train wreck of alcoholism teach me a good life lesson. And yes I am VERY HAPPY to be out of that one also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
viola, a reading from a site called "heartsteps" that I subscribe to came in my email this AM. I think it might be helpful for you. Here's a link:
Learning to trust - heartsteps | heartsteps
Learning to trust - heartsteps | heartsteps
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The fact that you're scared doesn't mean you're "not ready." Nobody gets up in the morning rarin' to get divorced. Well, maybe some do, but they aren't likely to be in a group like this one--they just do it.
As others pointed out (including, I believe, Cher), you can't just turn back time. All you have is today, and hopefully a long future. How you spend it is up to you.
Hugs,
As others pointed out (including, I believe, Cher), you can't just turn back time. All you have is today, and hopefully a long future. How you spend it is up to you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think being scared is normal - it means you have a true understanding of how big the step you're taking is. If you weren't anxious or worried, that would be a worse sign.
You don't have to "feel ready" to do something you know you need to do. It sounds like you've thought about this, anguished about it, worked it over in your mind from different perspectives and now the only thing left to do is act on it. Your emotions may take a little while for catch up.
For what it's worth, I divorced an alcoholic after 20 years of marriage (25 years together) and am absolutely sure I made the right decision. My life is so much more peaceful now. But first I had to come to terms with the reality that the person I married was gone, and the alcoholic I was dealing with had very little resemblance to the person he once was. That was tough.
You don't have to "feel ready" to do something you know you need to do. It sounds like you've thought about this, anguished about it, worked it over in your mind from different perspectives and now the only thing left to do is act on it. Your emotions may take a little while for catch up.
For what it's worth, I divorced an alcoholic after 20 years of marriage (25 years together) and am absolutely sure I made the right decision. My life is so much more peaceful now. But first I had to come to terms with the reality that the person I married was gone, and the alcoholic I was dealing with had very little resemblance to the person he once was. That was tough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
Well everyone I did it. I filed I opened up my own bank account and transferred half of our checking. I wrote a very long letter that I will send tonight via email. He will find out tomorrow when my lawyer calls him. Heres to a sleepless night and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thanks for your support and all your knowledge its what is keeping me going.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Wow, congratulations! You made the move! I know what it's like to be waiting for the other party to read an email you sent and knowing their reaction will not be happy - but this is just one step on a path that will take you to a better place. If you can, do something to reward yourself. You just did something that took a lot of courage.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
No. I don't have any success stories to tell you.
You are divorcing for a reason. He is who he is RIGHT NOW. He is not going to change. Stop looking back and look forward to the peace you deserve.
It is hard, but you must face reality, and if you don't, like will be harder.
Hugs.
You are divorcing for a reason. He is who he is RIGHT NOW. He is not going to change. Stop looking back and look forward to the peace you deserve.
It is hard, but you must face reality, and if you don't, like will be harder.
Hugs.
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