New here..AH just got out of treatment and drinking already
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
New here..AH just got out of treatment and drinking already
Hi everyone,
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to have someone listen. I will start with our history. My AH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have a 9 year old son together. He has drank our whole relationship. He has had 3 DUI's and was sober for a few months after the 3rd one (was in work release for a couple months then was sober for a while after that). That was about 13 years ago. He also suffers from depression and anxiety so that certainly doesn't help matters and also has a family history of alcoholism (dad and brother). His drinking didn't affect our lives really bad but it increased a lot the past couple of years, not doing fun things with our son, etc. So the current dilemma is that the past couple of months or so have been horrible. It started with him trying a couple of new meds for his anxiety. He had horrible side effects and missed a bunch of work. Basically just went into a hole. He was diagnosed with a fatty liver and Hemochromatosis which is a disease where your body holds on to too much iron and it will eventually shut down your organs. He has had a couple of hospital visits recently because of his anxiety. With the urging of me, his mom and sister, he finally agreed to go to in-patient treatment. He was there for 30 days and just got home last Sunday. Well, long story not so short, he is already drinking again, not as much as before, but still drinking. The GI doctors in town won't do any further tests on his liver until he hasn't drank for 90 days. I wrestle around with wanting to leave and not wanting to leave and it's just so hard when we have a son and dogs and a mortgage and stuff, etc. Plus I feel bad leaving with his health issues also. I am just at a loss with what to do. I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings when he was gone and I just didn't feel like it helped me much.
Thanks for letting me vent....
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to have someone listen. I will start with our history. My AH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have a 9 year old son together. He has drank our whole relationship. He has had 3 DUI's and was sober for a few months after the 3rd one (was in work release for a couple months then was sober for a while after that). That was about 13 years ago. He also suffers from depression and anxiety so that certainly doesn't help matters and also has a family history of alcoholism (dad and brother). His drinking didn't affect our lives really bad but it increased a lot the past couple of years, not doing fun things with our son, etc. So the current dilemma is that the past couple of months or so have been horrible. It started with him trying a couple of new meds for his anxiety. He had horrible side effects and missed a bunch of work. Basically just went into a hole. He was diagnosed with a fatty liver and Hemochromatosis which is a disease where your body holds on to too much iron and it will eventually shut down your organs. He has had a couple of hospital visits recently because of his anxiety. With the urging of me, his mom and sister, he finally agreed to go to in-patient treatment. He was there for 30 days and just got home last Sunday. Well, long story not so short, he is already drinking again, not as much as before, but still drinking. The GI doctors in town won't do any further tests on his liver until he hasn't drank for 90 days. I wrestle around with wanting to leave and not wanting to leave and it's just so hard when we have a son and dogs and a mortgage and stuff, etc. Plus I feel bad leaving with his health issues also. I am just at a loss with what to do. I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings when he was gone and I just didn't feel like it helped me much.
Thanks for letting me vent....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello.
Only you can decide where to go from here. If Alanon was not helpful, have you though about getting a counselor (for you, not couples), who help families deal with addiction? I did so before I ever left my XAH. It helped me to organize my thoughts, decide my path, and become strong enough that no matter what direction our marriage went, I was strong enough to handle it for myself and my children.
Keep working on you. Your husband is going to decide his own fate one way or another.
Hugs.
Only you can decide where to go from here. If Alanon was not helpful, have you though about getting a counselor (for you, not couples), who help families deal with addiction? I did so before I ever left my XAH. It helped me to organize my thoughts, decide my path, and become strong enough that no matter what direction our marriage went, I was strong enough to handle it for myself and my children.
Keep working on you. Your husband is going to decide his own fate one way or another.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings when he was gone and I just didn't feel like it helped me much.
You would need to want to commit to your own recovery and have the willingness to go beyond way beyond a few al-anon meetings.
It’s sad that he doesn’t want recovery for himself or his health and it’s painful to have to have a front row seat watching it.
Glad you found us and I hope you do stick around. Read the stickies, read other posts and try and learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behavior.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so much for you to deal with. i am so sorry.
two "side effects" of drinking too much are Anxiety and Depression. so it's hard to know for sure if those things would lessen for him IF he quit drinking, or if they remain underlying conditions. however, he's not on the road to sober right now. some alcoholics just can NOT connect the dots, and cannot fully grasp sobriety for any length of time. i am not saying he is a lost cause, only speaking to where his mind is at.
it goes without saying that his health conditions pretty much DEMAND that he not drink again. and yet..........there he is..........drinking.
you and your son must not get lost in your AH's problems. he has solutions, he's been to rehab, he knows what to do. he has a path OUT. you still have to find yours.
would you be willing to try alanon again? maybe try a couple different meetings, different days or locations? each meeting develops it's own "flavor" by virtue of the attendees and core group. you may also want to consider seeing a counselor - not a marriage counselor, a YOU counselor. an impartial party that has only YOUR best interests at heart.
i do hope you stay and continue to post. venting or writing stuff out can be very therapeutic!!!
two "side effects" of drinking too much are Anxiety and Depression. so it's hard to know for sure if those things would lessen for him IF he quit drinking, or if they remain underlying conditions. however, he's not on the road to sober right now. some alcoholics just can NOT connect the dots, and cannot fully grasp sobriety for any length of time. i am not saying he is a lost cause, only speaking to where his mind is at.
it goes without saying that his health conditions pretty much DEMAND that he not drink again. and yet..........there he is..........drinking.
you and your son must not get lost in your AH's problems. he has solutions, he's been to rehab, he knows what to do. he has a path OUT. you still have to find yours.
would you be willing to try alanon again? maybe try a couple different meetings, different days or locations? each meeting develops it's own "flavor" by virtue of the attendees and core group. you may also want to consider seeing a counselor - not a marriage counselor, a YOU counselor. an impartial party that has only YOUR best interests at heart.
i do hope you stay and continue to post. venting or writing stuff out can be very therapeutic!!!
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
Thanks everyone. I do realize that only going to a few meetings isn't going to help much. I have been seriously thinking about seeing a counselor as i feel like one on one would be better for me right now. That will probably be my next course of action. It is just so frustrating because he said he feels better and his anxiety is better and yet he is drinking again and he has tons of reasons to stay sober and none to drink other than the disease of course.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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His anxiety is probably better BECAUSE he's drinking. It works very well in the short term as an anxiety-reliever, but the overall effect over time is to increase anxiety and depression.
I'd suggest you stop trying to figure out why he's drinking (it is irrelevant at this stage of the game) and start trying to figure out how you want the rest of your life, and your son's childhood, to look.
Welcome, glad you're here.
I'd suggest you stop trying to figure out why he's drinking (it is irrelevant at this stage of the game) and start trying to figure out how you want the rest of your life, and your son's childhood, to look.
Welcome, glad you're here.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Welcome! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree wth the above posters to try some other meetings. They can be sooo different depending on which you attend. Once you find a "home group" you will be surprised at how good it feels to have group support. I also agree that a one on one therapist that deals with addiction is a great idea. Remember that neither of these solutions will make these problems go away or shoot the hubby into sobriety, but they will help YOU function amidst the sea of frustration and suffering you are experiencing.
"Trying to save an alcoholic from consequences keeps them sick. I know it’s heartbreaking. It’s like watching a train racing 100 mph towards a brick wall and the engineer is stepping on the gas instead of the brakes. But if you saw a train about to hit a wall, you wouldn’t get between the train and the wall. You’d pray like mad and hope there were pieces left to pick up, that the engineer survives and finally realizes he needs help."
https://shakennotshattered.wordpress...-an-alcoholic/
"Trying to save an alcoholic from consequences keeps them sick. I know it’s heartbreaking. It’s like watching a train racing 100 mph towards a brick wall and the engineer is stepping on the gas instead of the brakes. But if you saw a train about to hit a wall, you wouldn’t get between the train and the wall. You’d pray like mad and hope there were pieces left to pick up, that the engineer survives and finally realizes he needs help."
https://shakennotshattered.wordpress...-an-alcoholic/
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Join Date: May 2017
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Thank you everyone and thank you Smarie78 for the link. It was very helpful.
So today, I flat-out asked him if he wanted to stop drinking. He said yes and then he said well I want to cut back and he said he didn't think he could ever totally quit. He said he didn't want to go back to how much he used to drink because he is feeling better . But I can't help but feel that it will only be a matter of time until that happens again. So now I have that nice tidbit to chew on. I told him that I was very worried about his liver and he said that he is not worried about it....uggg.
So today, I flat-out asked him if he wanted to stop drinking. He said yes and then he said well I want to cut back and he said he didn't think he could ever totally quit. He said he didn't want to go back to how much he used to drink because he is feeling better . But I can't help but feel that it will only be a matter of time until that happens again. So now I have that nice tidbit to chew on. I told him that I was very worried about his liver and he said that he is not worried about it....uggg.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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sadly, he will not be able to moderate or control his drinking....not for any length of time. considering he KNOWS he shouldn't be drinking AT ALL, he is trying to make bargains with himself. and his disease is in control, so even the health issues are not a deterrent. he also probably can't imagine a life without booze..........
but you can!
but you can!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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So he has made up his mind that he will not be quitting and that he has accepted the deterioration of his liver. If he drinks alcohol they can't test his liver. If they can't test his liver, they can't treat his liver. He has told you today that he chooses potential and probable organ failure over sobriety. For some ppl it is worth it. For smokers, it may be worth it to them to risk cancer for a habit they enjoy. The question is, do you want to be there and accompany him to the early grave for a problem he can get treatment for but refuses to?
Sometimes I think it's easier if they tell you they refuse to quit drinking because at least they are making a decision instead of stringing you along with promises to change. Your own decision to leave may feel more spelled out now. It's when they keep going in and out of recovery it can be a nightmare because you keep getting caught in the cycle of promises to change and believing it. Not saying you have it easy this way by ANY MEANS (or saying that promises to change mean you should wait around). Just that the silver lining here is that he isn't trying or pretending to try. There's no "this time he is serious". He has basically said, sobriety is not for me and is giving it to you to either accept or not.
You now have all the things you need to make a decision. And guilt-free even because you sound willing to stay and help him. But when he doesn't want help and wants to keep going, you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are actually being relieved of your guilt. He is in a sense, letting you fly. Sounds also like your 9 year old needs some stability and may be a good idea to get him away from that environment as he is beginning to mature. Lots of hugs and support. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting.
Sometimes I think it's easier if they tell you they refuse to quit drinking because at least they are making a decision instead of stringing you along with promises to change. Your own decision to leave may feel more spelled out now. It's when they keep going in and out of recovery it can be a nightmare because you keep getting caught in the cycle of promises to change and believing it. Not saying you have it easy this way by ANY MEANS (or saying that promises to change mean you should wait around). Just that the silver lining here is that he isn't trying or pretending to try. There's no "this time he is serious". He has basically said, sobriety is not for me and is giving it to you to either accept or not.
You now have all the things you need to make a decision. And guilt-free even because you sound willing to stay and help him. But when he doesn't want help and wants to keep going, you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are actually being relieved of your guilt. He is in a sense, letting you fly. Sounds also like your 9 year old needs some stability and may be a good idea to get him away from that environment as he is beginning to mature. Lots of hugs and support. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Posts: 821
Originally Posted by imaj79 
I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings when he was gone and I just didn't feel like it helped me much.
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What a tough spot to be in. Did the 30 day rehab take him off of any medication, or were they qualified to work with dual diagnosis? A lot of the rehabs dont really know what they are doing unfortunately, and cant provide much medical support.
I would suggest looking into a qualified therapist - maybe inquire at your Dr office. which is what I did. I went to Alanon for a while too, and found it didnt help provide the kind of support I needed. Dont be afraid to try something else.
Sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like he has a lot of denial going on. Its the cruel twist of addiction where the brain lies to keep them from making change. I mean maybe there is some recognition that he feels better when he doesnt drink as much, but doesnt look like a reasonable plan. Sadly, Logic gets lost during addiction. Do you think he would consider seeing an addiction doctor/therapist? My husband ended up doing this after bad rehab experiences.
One mistake I made was not asking for the support of my family when we were in crisis mode. They have been supportive to both of us, and I would say reach out to his mom and sisters like before, and anyone else who you feel can be of value to either of you. Dont isolate yourself.
I would suggest looking into a qualified therapist - maybe inquire at your Dr office. which is what I did. I went to Alanon for a while too, and found it didnt help provide the kind of support I needed. Dont be afraid to try something else.
Sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like he has a lot of denial going on. Its the cruel twist of addiction where the brain lies to keep them from making change. I mean maybe there is some recognition that he feels better when he doesnt drink as much, but doesnt look like a reasonable plan. Sadly, Logic gets lost during addiction. Do you think he would consider seeing an addiction doctor/therapist? My husband ended up doing this after bad rehab experiences.
One mistake I made was not asking for the support of my family when we were in crisis mode. They have been supportive to both of us, and I would say reach out to his mom and sisters like before, and anyone else who you feel can be of value to either of you. Dont isolate yourself.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Smarie78 - For some reason when he told me that today it almost lifted just a little bit of the weight off of my shoulders and I wasn't really sure why until I read your post. I guess if I am not stressing about him staying totally sober and there are no promises of it. Not that I am not still concerned and unhappy about the situation. Thank you!
FallenAngelina - There is only one beginner group in my town that is at a time of day that I am able to attend and they said that we were supposed to attend the 6 weeks of the beginner class before moving on to a different class. There aren't too many other times to choose from to go with my schedule. I haven't ruled out going back completely yet. I just might do counseling and see what that does. Thank you!
aliciagr - They did not take him off any of his meds and they actually put him on an additional med that he said did seem to help. They were supposed to work with the dual diagnosis. He had an appointment with a CNP at a Psychology office today and she put him on another med to help with mood and anxiety. We will see if it helps at all. He is also supposed to be seeing a counselor that he went to a couple of times before he went to rehab but has not yet. I have asked him about going to some AA meetings but he hasn't gone yet either. I offered to go with him, but it hasn't happened yet. I guess all I can do is keep asking if he wants to go. Thank you!
FallenAngelina - There is only one beginner group in my town that is at a time of day that I am able to attend and they said that we were supposed to attend the 6 weeks of the beginner class before moving on to a different class. There aren't too many other times to choose from to go with my schedule. I haven't ruled out going back completely yet. I just might do counseling and see what that does. Thank you!
aliciagr - They did not take him off any of his meds and they actually put him on an additional med that he said did seem to help. They were supposed to work with the dual diagnosis. He had an appointment with a CNP at a Psychology office today and she put him on another med to help with mood and anxiety. We will see if it helps at all. He is also supposed to be seeing a counselor that he went to a couple of times before he went to rehab but has not yet. I have asked him about going to some AA meetings but he hasn't gone yet either. I offered to go with him, but it hasn't happened yet. I guess all I can do is keep asking if he wants to go. Thank you!
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Hi imaj, he may stop drinking if his anxiety is under control, but I doubt it because he's an addict in addition to his mental health issues. And you're probably right to think his drinking will increase as it tends to do with As who think they can cut down.
You have a most likely scenario for the future. Apart from concentrating on yours and your son's health, think about where you want to be in a year, or five years, and put your plans into place.
You have a most likely scenario for the future. Apart from concentrating on yours and your son's health, think about where you want to be in a year, or five years, and put your plans into place.
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Originally Posted by imaj79
aliciagr - They did not take him off any of his meds and they actually put him on an additional med that he said did seem to help. They were supposed to work with the dual diagnosis. He had an appointment with a CNP at a Psychology office today and she put him on another med to help with mood and anxiety. We will see if it helps at all. He is also supposed to be seeing a counselor that he went to a couple of times before he went to rehab but has not yet. I have asked him about going to some AA meetings but he hasn't gone yet either. I offered to go with him, but it hasn't happened yet. I guess all I can do is keep asking if he wants to go. Thank you!
In the past, I did attend some AA meetings with my husband. He only went to a few that were required and stopped after that. Some people find it really helpful and its always a good thing to sample different options just like you did.
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Originally Posted by imaj79
Thanks everyone. I do realize that only going to a few meetings isn't going to help much. I have been seriously thinking about seeing a counselor as i feel like one on one would be better for me right now. That will probably be my next course of action. It is just so frustrating because he said he feels better and his anxiety is better and yet he is drinking again and he has tons of reasons to stay sober and none to drink other than the disease of course.
There is nothing to stop you from seeing a counsellor as well as doing AlAnon.
Neither of these things are ever going to be able to give you the solution for getting your husband better though. While your husband wants to drink And labours under the false illusion that he will one day be able to cut down and moderate his drinking, then he will just keep drinking. He still sounds pretty much in denial to be honest. I know plenty of people who cane out of the first round of rehab the same way, thinking they did that so they must be cured. Most of them still had to get further down and in more pain before they were willing to concede that they could NOT drink like a normies, ever. And they were alcoholics, and this was a lifelong problem.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery, and sending prayers for your husband.
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