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XAH physically abused my son!

Old 05-20-2017, 07:58 AM
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XAH physically abused my son!

I was traveling this week for work. Putting in 14 hour days at our training center and I'm exhausted. My son has finished high school as of Wednesday and he had been dealing with some anxiety about his future, etc. So, he was already not having a 100% week.

My son texted me yesterday and told me "I'm really angry at dad right now!!!!"

I was in a compliance meeting so I'm trying to text discreetly and I managed to find out that his dad was most likely in a blackout. He was slumped over in his office chair, shirtless, but with shoes on and my son came home and tried to greet him. He woke up the ex and all hell broke loose. My ex followed my son to the family room, kept being belligerent and trying to sit on my son and then he would try to pick at my son's face. Ex then yelled at the dog and he saw my son on his phone so he grabbed my son's phone and threw it across the room. He then sat some nasty things and threw himself on my son on the couch and then took the dog's bully stick and smeared it across my son's face. My son got up and tried to leave and my ex grabbed him by the shirt and threw him back down on the couch threatening to sit on him again.

My son lied and told his dad he had to go because it was 3:30, when it was really 12:30 PM and my ex let him leave. My son said he wanted to fight back but he knew that in a blackout, alcoholics are unpredictable and he didn't want to get hurt any further. He is VERY angry and he said he will be confronting his father basically telling him, "If you continue like this, I will be done with you. You say I'm all you have. But, I will not continue to put myself in this position. Get your crap together!!" That was word for word what he told me.

I hate this disease. My son wants a relationship with his father. He knows his dad is spiraling. He told me he wanted to dump all the alcohol in the house but he knew that his dad would just buy more. He's so aware for his age. I am so angry at my ex. Beyond angry actually. My dad was verbally abusive when he was drunk but no behavior should be excused just because someone is under the influence.

So, my bf, the wonderful man that he is has offered to take my son to a concert with us tonight and told my son to invite a friend. And, he told me we should have a high school graduation celebration at our house next weekend for my son. I have taken on a very demanding career to better myself and my son's future. But, honestly, I don't have the mental or emotional energy to deal with my ex's antics anymore. The man is headed for death soon and my son knows it. It's just plain old sad.
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Old 05-20-2017, 08:14 AM
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Oh wow Liza. This must hurt so so badly to see your son hurt. He sure sounds like a smart kid. It sounds like it is time for your son to go no-contact if he can do it.

Big hug to you.
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Old 05-20-2017, 08:16 AM
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I'm so sorry, Liz. How truly awful for your son. I'm glad he wasn't seriously hurt.

I don't know that your ex is "headed for death soon"--you'd be amazed at how long some alcoholics can go on this way. My second husband is still alive after almost 20 years of continuous drinking--AFTER nearly dying from alcohol-related causes.

I hope your son has decided that he will not spend time in his dad's company if he's been drinking. He could, of course, file a criminal complaint for this incident. Even if a person is in a "blackout" that does not relieve him/her of criminal responsibility for their actions under the influence. I'm pretty sure he won't go that route, but it might be good to explain to him that the law wouldn't excuse his conduct. And he CAN call the police if he ever feels threatened.

Hugs,
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Old 05-20-2017, 08:25 AM
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My heart goes out to your son. I'm so sorry he has to deal with this, and I hope he finds some way to reconcile his wishes to have a relationship w/his father with the shameful way his father treated him. As others said, blackout or not, this was way beyond unacceptable.
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Old 05-20-2017, 11:24 AM
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No advice. Just anger for your son.

That said, I hope this dispels any fantasies he may have had of babysitting dad.
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Old 05-20-2017, 12:14 PM
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Your son should try to get a video of the abuse if he can. This could become a very dangerous situation. I am so sorry that he has to experience such a horrible thing in his young life.
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Old 05-20-2017, 01:55 PM
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That sounds awful. Nobody should hit anybody ever, for any reason except self-defense. "Blackout drunk" is not self-defense. Your son has no obligation to have any contact ever with someone who has ever hit him.

And good on your son for telling his father that he cannot have a relationship with him right now. "You're all I have" is emotional manipulation, and good for your son for recognizing it as such. I'm guessing he got those strong values from you - well done, Mom!

And good for your boyfriend for being around, a counter-example for your son to show that not all adult men are raging, self-pitying drunk losers. (I imagine it must be particularly tough to deal with this stuff when it's the parent of the same sex - there must be some moments of thinking "OMG is that going to be MY future too??"

(I'm also thinking this is a potential preview of my daughter's future - her father also pulls the "you're all I have" crap, and his drinking and raging is getting worse and worse. She's still too young to stand up to him the way your son did, but I think that day will come. In the meantime I do my best to keep her safe while trying to facilitate visits with her father.

Once again, your son sounds like a strong, self-aware young man. I'm so sorry you and he have to deal with this.
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Old 05-20-2017, 02:11 PM
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thank you all. Well, my son still hasn't confronted his dad. He's afraid of the fallout. Heck, I did the same thing for years, so I'm in no place to judge. When you're dealing with someone who is emotionally manipulative and unstable and you think they'll commit suicide if you leave them......you tend to just deal with it hoping it will go away. But, it won't. He knows my story. He knows 'our story'. It's going to have to be up to him to find peace and his own path. It just sucks watching our kids repeat our own misguided and dysfunctional paths.
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Old 05-20-2017, 02:22 PM
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i'm not convinced that confronting his dad is a good idea. would have been far better to call the cops when he was being assaulted. i would not encourage this encounter......remember what we say here, ACTIONS not WORDS. your son's actions could speak for him......by refusing to have further communication with someone who attempted to HARM HIM.
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Old 05-20-2017, 03:50 PM
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Yeah, I agree with Anvil. Confrontations are usually counterproductive with drunks. If there's to be any communication at all, it should be simple and direct--that his dad's conduct was INEXCUSABLE, and that he will never be in his presence again while he's drinking. No speeches, pleading, explaining necessary.
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Old 05-21-2017, 02:27 AM
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That's so sad, I hope your son is ok and you all enjoyed the concert.

My husband is alcoholic but so was my first partner who is the father of my 22 year old daughter.
My daughter recently paid him a short visit in prison - she wanted to tell him to his face (while he was sober and she was in a protected environment) that he must never contact her again whilst under influence of alcohol - we will see how that turns out.... but just so horrible that our children have to be put in these uncomfortable and often dangerous situations.

Wishing you and your son the very best.
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Old 05-21-2017, 02:30 AM
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Oh, Liza, I'm so sorry to read this! What a nightmare for your son

No advice except that I hope your son can say what he would like to say from a safe distance.
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Old 05-22-2017, 07:10 AM
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OH wow. I am so so sorry. There is absolutely nothing more tragic than watching the hurt that their behavior brings to your children. Nothing.

My heart is with you and your son. I think he should call the police and make a report, but only he can decide what to do next.

Tight, tight, hugs friend.
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Old 05-22-2017, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
OH wow. I am so so sorry. There is absolutely nothing more tragic than watching the hurt that their behavior brings to your children. Nothing.

My heart is with you and your son. I think he should call the police and make a report, but only he can decide what to do next.

Tight, tight, hugs friend.
thank You. Well, apparently he tried to talk to his father but it didn't go well. He got the typical round about with the lame "I'm sorry". My son told me he told his dad that it was unacceptable and called him out on his excuses. But, really, it didn't get him anywhere.

He has a counseling appointment this week. I told him to make sure he expresses his concerns to the counselor and to really dig deep and see exactly how he feels about this.

Right now I think he's forgiving too quickly and doing a great job into buying into my XAH's crap.
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Old 05-22-2017, 05:51 PM
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I think it takes time to sort through feelings after something like this. I think he will be warier of his dad, and ultimately draw the right conclusions.
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Old 05-23-2017, 06:37 AM
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You know, I have watched my older child forgive her dad time after time b/c she really wants a relationship with him. She knows who he is, and I know eventually she will likely cut that cord, but it has to be her decision to do so. She has a good counselor and support system, and that's the best I can do for her.

Hugs to you friend. We are here for you!
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