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-   -   Help. Husbands 6th DWI (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/409893-help-husbands-6th-dwi.html)

rosesarered34 05-19-2017 10:55 AM

Help. Husbands 6th DWI
 
My husband is a functioning alcohol who works construction. It seems drinking is tolerated at his workplace. My husband drinks slowly but surely throughout the day. Last week he obtained his 6th DWI since 1995. He has a suspended drivers license for life on his record. I worried he may be looking at mandatory jail time. Of course, the first thing he did was contact his usual lawyer that will cost thousands. We have 4 kids and struggle with bills as it is. I plan on getting a alcohol machine installed on our car to prevent him from ever driving. I feel like I have to protect the innocent public. Our 17 daughter has her driving permit and is furious that I'm installing this. She was recently arrested for drinking under age at a wild party. I am at my wits end and am truely exhausted. I have been reading this site for weeks and hope I can benefit from posting. Thank you for reading.

firebolt 05-19-2017 11:11 AM

Aww I'm sorry for what brings you here.

6 DWIs does not sound functioning, and honestly he SHOULD be looking at jail time.

How can you minimize the financial impact on you and the kids? I'm sure you are exhausted!!

AnvilheadII 05-19-2017 11:56 AM

goodness, six DUIs!? and drinking on the job. sorry hon, there is nothing functional about that.....he functions to DRINK.

sounds like teenage daughter is really testing her limits - she's had her whole life to watch her dad drink and get away with it. bit concerning that she's mad about the "blow 'n go" device. i'd keep an eye on her for sure.

have you considered YOUR options?

Ariesagain 05-19-2017 12:01 PM

Sounds like the system will handle your husband, for now.

Your daughter is underage. She can't drink legally, let alone drink and drive. First, she doesn't get to have a say in this and second, the fact that this is even an issue for her is a huge concern and all the more reason to have it installed, yes?

Sending you a hug.

LexieCat 05-19-2017 12:05 PM

Hi, and welcome. First thing, your husband is NOT "functioning." Not if five DWIs haven't gotten the message across and he's still driving drunk. Your daughter can be as mad as she wants to--her own drinking behavior would have been reason enough to install the ignition lock, so she's got no grounds to complain about THAT.

Frankly, as hard as it will be on your family, your husband SHOUD go to jail. I'm astounded he hasn't gotten a jail sentence yet. He's overdue for one.

As bad as things seem right now, they WILL get worse. Have you been to Al-Anon? I have a feeling you will find it very helpful.

atalose 05-19-2017 12:19 PM

Sounds like you are under a lot of stress and all because of alcohol. Have you thought about giving al-anon a try? Maybe a in person support group plus posting here could be a big benefit for you.

I think the presumption of him going to work everyday and making money makes him functional but there is nothing functional about drinking all day long while at work. Whether that is acceptable on the job or not. I know you are counting on the money he does make to help with the bills but I would be very surprised if he does not go to jail. Attorney fees plus the lack of income is a real possibility you will be facing.

Do you have a home you can sell and downsize? Do you work? Can you pick up a second job?

Pondlady 05-19-2017 12:29 PM

Agree with others, on him being a functioning alcoholic. I can't imagine drinking is tolerated on a construction site, certainly doesn't sound safe at all !

honeypig 05-19-2017 12:33 PM

Hi, roses--welcome to SR. Hope you find both support and education here.

You've gotten some good info already. I just want to chime in on the "functioning alcoholic" thing. First of all, that is not a type of alcoholic but a stage of alcoholism. He "functions" until he DOESN'T. And it's not necessarily a slow and even decline from "functioning" to "nonfunctioning"; things can change dramatically in just moments. If your AH had an accident at work and was found to have a measurable blood alcohol level, how long do you think he'd remain employed? And I suspect worker's comp wouldn't cover his medical care. If he killed someone while driving drunk, how would that impact ALL of your lives, and for how long?

And again, even the term "functioning alcoholic" is misleading--this thread talks more about it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-re-post.html

It sounds as if you will need all the support you can get, with AH well down the path of alcoholism and daughter looking as if she's starting to follow him. I do hope you continue to read and post here, and I hope you check into Alanon for some in-person help, too.

honeypig 05-19-2017 12:58 PM


Originally Posted by Pondlady (Post 6464338)
Agree with others, on him being a functioning alcoholic. I can't imagine drinking is tolerated on a construction site, certainly doesn't sound safe at all !

Unfortunately, Pond, drinking at work isn't all that unusual in the trades. Take a look at this article and notice how many of the occupations w/an increased risk of dying from alcoholism are in the trades--painters, roofers, drywallers, construction workers.
The 17 Jobs Where You're Most Likely To Become An Alcoholic - Business Insider

I've read that part of this is the culture of those jobs (work hard, party hard), and that part of it is that people who already have some issues w/alcohol tend to be drawn to that type of work for reasons such as minimal supervision, flexible hours if self-employed, and so on.

Sasha1972 05-19-2017 02:01 PM

I just want to commend you for your plans to install a breathalyzer on the car. I can imagine that your daughter is furious - but she needs to be deterred from the path that she's on while she's still young enough to turn things around. And you are absolutely right, you do have to protect the public from your husband when he's been drinking. So good for you, it sounds incredibly stressful but your are doing the right (and brave) thing.

Kboys 05-19-2017 02:29 PM

Oh my... six?! And a suspended license? So he wasn't supposed to be driving anyway? Sounds pretty bad to me, as far as potential jail time...
Sounds like maybe a harsh sentence is what he needs....
And maybe you could use the break from him as well, to gain some peace and clarity.

My XAH was Court-ordered to have a breath device installed on his vehicle after his second one, and I think it's great... It's the only thing that makes me feel comfortable allowing our children to go anywhere with him. Unfortunately he will be able to have it removed some time in the next few months... not sure what I'm going to have to put in place then as far as the kids... but anyway

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you are here, and I hope you have some real life support as well. As someone else suggested, Al-anon may be helpful for you.

Big hugs to you!!

August252015 05-19-2017 02:40 PM


Originally Posted by rosesarered34 (Post 6464224)
My husband is a functioning alcohol who works construction. It seems drinking is tolerated at his workplace. My husband drinks slowly but surely throughout the day. Last week he obtained his 6th DWI since 1995. He has a suspended drivers license for life on his record. I worried he may be looking at mandatory jail time. Of course, the first thing he did was contact his usual lawyer that will cost thousands. We have 4 kids and struggle with bills as it is. I plan on getting a alcohol machine installed on our car to prevent him from ever driving. I feel like I have to protect the innocent public. Our 17 daughter has her driving permit and is furious that I'm installing this. She was recently arrested for drinking under age at a wild party. I am at my wits end and am truely exhausted. I have been reading this site for weeks and hope I can benefit from posting. Thank you for reading.

First, glad you are here.
Second, and quite directly, what kind of help are you seeking?

We can give you all the advice in the world, and armchair quarterback your situation, and you can post and read all you like - the real question is, IMO and IME, what kind of life do you want to have?

One where alcohol controls everything (and everyone, as the drinkers or not) - pocketbook, cars, time, sanity, LIVES - and things are going to get worse? Or....something different. Which can look like a lot of things once alcohol is removed from the equation - with your daughter, perhaps more easily than your husband- and the unmanageability of your life begins to be addressed.

Al-Anon is a great place to go - literal steps before that like taking away car keys for both of them might be backing up to real basic stuff to keep everyone safe.

This is a scary and potentially deadly situation on your hands - I hope you will start to make choices to get resolution for everyone's better. We're here for support on that for sure.

Ileana 05-19-2017 07:51 PM

I commend you on taking the initiative to install a Breathalyzer but your husband would not fit my definition of functional. I am not sure if you live in the US and if you do where but in our state your husband would be looking at more than a year in jail.

I am not saying your daughter is an alcoholic but she has a genetic predisposition, she's had an alcohol related arrest at a young age and she has a parent with multiple alcohol related arrests . Let her get as mad. Don't take that off your car. If she wants to buy her own vehicle that's one thing. But she has too many strikes against her, you need to start stacking the deck in her favor. Don't give in. Your not here to make her life easy.. Keep it on. Get her help. And please stop showing her by example that you bail family members out when they get in trouble with alcohol.

velma929 05-20-2017 06:22 AM

My Dad functioned well, until he didn't. I don't know how long he drank too much. He worked all his life, retired with a pension, continued to volunteer and do odd jobs in retirement. He did seem to drink a lot, though he drank things like gin and tonic, so it seemed civilized.

One day he had too much and had an accident that resulted in a fatality. He ended up in prison. It was his first DWI ever. He was 76. Mom and Dad had the civil suit to deal with, after the criminal trial. A lot of the money they'd saved and invested was liquidated to pay the victim's family. There are certain things that you can't be required to surrender, but lots of stuff you can, too. It would be wise to assess your vulnerability, and consult a lawyer as to how to protect your assets.

By the way, unless you have OJ Simpson-like wealth, no lawyer will take on your civil suit when you are the defendant. When you stand to lose a lot of money, they know the chances of getting paid are nil.

rosesarered34 05-20-2017 11:23 AM

I guess I should of said working alcoholic. I work part time but my husband is the main bread winner. Him getting incarcerated would mean us potentially losing are home. His last DWI he was sentenced to electronic home monitoring for 6 months. He wasn't allowed to work or leave the home except for legal matters. My daughter is becoming a handful and I think has been stealing alcohol from the basement. She blames it on her dad drinking more and he blames it on her. I think that is pretty low. She is also dating a guy who is 21. I went to family group back when my husband was in one of his many rehabs. I thought it was a bit too focused on my husband when it should of been on me and the kids? Since the arrest my husband continues to drink and work extra hours. Which is good because his lawyer will be around $5,000.

Refiner 05-20-2017 11:35 AM

Buckle up bc he's looking at hard time, most likely. In my state by this many it would be a 10 year sentence and lifelong license suspension. He's also considered a habitual offender, so it may even be more depending on where you are. Please get a lawyer yourself to protect yourself and your kids. He's definitely not looking in the best interests of the family.

honeypig 05-20-2017 11:42 AM


Originally Posted by rosesarered34 (Post 6465582)
I went to family group back when my husband was in one of his many rehabs. I thought it was a bit too focused on my husband when it should of been on me and the kids?

I could not agree more! I hope you'll look into Alanon, which is all about you and NOT your AH. (AA is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.) You can just google Alanon and find info on meetings in your area. They cost nothing (other than a dollar or two in the basket, IF you choose) and are a wonderful resource for both education and support.

As others have already said, this is a serious situation and about to get more serious very soon. You will need strength and support, so please do keep posting here and please do look up an Alanon meeting (or 2 or 3!) that you can make it to.

tomsteve 05-20-2017 01:11 PM


Originally Posted by Pondlady (Post 6464338)
Agree with others, on him being a functioning alcoholic. I can't imagine drinking is tolerated on a construction site, certainly doesn't sound safe at all !

before i was forced into retirement, i was a rough framer.
drinking AND drugs are quite common on the jobsite within the trades.
no, it isnt safe, but us alcoholics dont think about that.

6th dui and drinking on the job.
if its any type of functioning, its DISfunctioning

DontRemember 05-20-2017 03:43 PM

I also own/operate a construction company. When I was on a site I drank, I took my crew to lunch and we drank..it's not safe and I now(sober me) have a zero tolerance policy on drinking and drug use. I've had 2 DUIs now..I was facing 180 days for my 2nd but, did my requirements, paid a butt load of cash and my case was closed a couple weeks ago. With 6....He's looking at some serious time.

AnvilheadII 05-20-2017 04:03 PM

you're gonna need a new plan....he is not a responsible, stable provider. nor has he been for a long time.

your DD really needs you right now. much more than your AH. he's an adult, making stupid decisions. your DD doesn't have a choice in what her homelife is like. she's crying out for parental guidance.

this is the time to get some legal counsel, and figure out what your next steps will be.


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