DontRemember

I almost said this myself.. As a drunk..I'd divorce my butt before my 6th DUI court case..I'm not saying YOU should leave your husband but, I'd expect/respect someone leaving me over it. You have your daughter and yourself to look after.

rosesarered34

Hello everyone. Just checking in. I recently started selling real estate and just sold my first home. It was a huge sale for a first timer and I'm quite proud. Things with the kids arn't doing so well as my 17yr old informed me that she is sleeping with her older boyfriend. I decided not to tell my husband as he would flip out. His lawyer has decided that he will take his case to trial. My husband refused the breathaylzer and all field sobriety tests. Sadly, I found out if he is found guilty he will receive prison sentence! I don't feel he deserves prison when he needs help. He's been taking extra shifts at work to off set the lawyer fee. It will be even more now that he is pleading not guilty. I estimate he is still drinking between 8-12 strong ice beers per day. He is never stumbling drunk just a minor buzz all day long. I was thinking of Alanon but a bit frightened of public speaking? The breathaylzer will be installed on our min-van this week. I just don't trust my husband not to drive. Anyways, thank you for any responses.

Refiner

I can't believe he's avoided prison the last 4 times he's gotten a DUI. In my state, it's a mandatory 10 years. He's had plenty of chances to "get help". Looks like forced "help" (aka prison) is what he'll get afterall.

AnvilheadII

he is STILL drinking AND driving, having first been convicted of DUI 22 YEARS ago.....he is a rolling murder just waiting to happen. ANYONE who risks the lives of others recklessly and repeatedly should be locked up. how would you feel if you or a loved one was injured or worse by a drunk driver?

this is VERY serious stuff, rosa. meanwhile your daughter really needs some attention and stability. she is acting out in as many ways as possible - underage drinking, underage sex.........at some point the insanity has to stop.

congrats on your new career. and your success!!

atalose

It would appear that he’s had the opportunity for help many times.

There are no musts in al-anon, you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to, you can just listen. Maybe gather some their reading material. The Courage To Change book is a nice daily reader.

I am sorry about your daughter and her choices. Again, I’d give al-anon a chance.

honeypig

I'm glad you're off to a good start w/your new career--I think both the income and the self-confidence will be important for you.

Just to clarify--you do not have to say a single word at Alanon if you don't want to. All you have to say when/if you're next in line to share is "I'm just going to listen today/tonight, thanks." No one will blink an eye; this is common for newcomers and there will be no pressure to speak until you feel comfortable.

I'm happy to see you've come back to SR to post and I hope you stay in touch.

LexieCat

Oh, he deserves a prison sentence, all right. Was not "getting help" a condition of his prior probationary sentences? If he didn't take full advantage of it, at some point "needs help" is pretty much irrelevant. Probably 99 percent of the prison population "needs help"--they still committed crimes and are appropriately held accountable for them. If he'd killed someone driving drunk he could be looking at a sentence of 30 years or more. Not to mention the civil penalties and having to live with the knowledge he'd taken a life. He's been extraordinarily fortunate up to now. Good luck runs last only so long.

Congrats on the big sale--that's terrific. I'd suggest focusing your efforts on your life and your daughter right now. Let your husband and his lawyer worry about his legal predicament. Incidentally, trials cost WAY more than ordinary court appearances. This is gonna get VERY expensive.

Smarie78

This is really sad and I am so sorry you are going through this. 6 DUIs in most cases is well beyond mandatory prison time. My Abf has 2 DUIs and served time years ago as a result. He no longer has a license and lives in a big city with public transit so no need or desire for a car. Thank goodness for that. I feel for you because I cannot imagine living through that. So 6 times he has been caught, but he certainly has driven UI much more than that you can bet. What is also scary is the fact that he does construction work (a dangerous job!) under the influence. He is walking on landmines so if anything I would prepare for something very major to happen; Prison time, his death, or facing prison for the death of an innocent person he kills.

I know you say you feel he doesn't deserve prison, but all this boils down to consequences. I use to think my boyfriend didn't deserve to be out on the streets drinking or kicked out of his apartments because in my mind he was "sick". His illness was doing all this...wrecking everyone around him...not him. in my mind it wasn't his fault he was sick. Well, what I learned is that alcoholics can't help that they have the disease, but they CAN help getting treatment and recovering. They are just as able as anyone else. Look at the boards here, go to an open AA meeting - ppl who are sick CAN control their recovery. They do it all the time. The problem is that your husband continues to drive drunk because he doesn't see it as a problem NOR does he ever face consequences for it outside of being out of money for legal fees. Just like my boyfriend - he always has me and his job taking him back when he goes off on his benders, or another apartment to go to, despite the loss in money nothing really significant has happened. They keep going until it does (and even when it does they STILL keep going sometimes and rock bottom doesn't exist). Not only that but your husband has not yet acknowledged he is sick or needs help. He has shown no desire to stop. He doesn't care that he is taking the family money and wasting it on completely avoidable legal fees and booze - this is money I imagine your big family needs.

Get to Alanon and get your daughter to Alateen. Just because he can go to work doesn't mean he is functional. He is a full blown addict destroying your family. Its one thing when they show a desire to quit and go to the meetings (and even THAT is tough and warrants questioning whether to stay), but quite another when there is no plan or desire for recovery. This is basically life for you as you know it. Do you want to spend it broke with legal fees and a vulnerable 17 year old visiting her father in prison? Not to mention the trauma you will be going through knowing your husband is locked up.

My advice to you is to begin planning for you and your children. Sounds like your daughter needs you and I second what Anvil said - watch over her. This is impacting her greatly whether she says so or not. **hugs**

Ariesagain

I served on a jury for a DUI twenty years ago. We found him guilty and afterwards the judge came in to thank us because this was his fifth DUI conviction (a fact they couldn't mention in the trial) and in her words, "now I can send him to jail quick before he kills someone."

You know that if he does hurt or kill someone, you could both be ruined financially by a lawsuit, right? Same with your daughter, because she's still a minor.

Good for you for getting that breathalyzer installed and congratulations on your new career...that will give you options.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Pondlady

Rose, Congratulations on your first big sale as a realtor , that should boost your confidence

Let's just pretend he doesn't get prison time....what do you think will happen? Will he stop drinking? Will he get the help he needs? Will he set a better example of drinking responsibly to your daughter?

Let's think about what could happen if he does get prison time. He'll stop drinking. He could participate in AA, which they do have in correctional facilities. With alcohol out of the house, your underaged daughter would have less access to it. You could set an example of a responsible parent, learning a new career.

hopeful4

Ah...it's always the families that never think they deserve to go to jail. I am sorry this is happening to you.

When I was leadership at Celebrate Recovery, I heard many testimonies of people who never had any real change until they did some jail time. If he has a problem, he needs to do something about it, not just rinse and repeat until he is caught yet again.

I understand that sounds harsh, but it's also reality. I would stay on my own side of the street and take care of yourself and your children. Have you attended Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? That would give you some face to face support that you need. I also encourage you to go over your budget and figure out the financials of when and if he does got to jail.

Keep posting, you are not alone.

rosesarered34

Thanks everyone for the feedback but I have no plans to leave my husband. Many here seem to be focusing on why he has never had a jail sentence? We have lived in 3 different states and one of his DWI does not come up another was reduced to "wreckless driving". So technically this will be his 4th and he did receive a home electronic monitoring sentence before. Lexi, yes I understand a trial will cost more. I worked as a paralegal for many years. I feel it is worth the money as the State has the burden of proof. He did not take any tests or blow. Granted, he was driving without a license so he will be convicted of that. I have read many articles that show jail sentences rarely help the addicted. Yes, my husband has been in rehab many times and has been unsuccessful. I am happy to report that he is currently slowing down his drinking. I have the breathaylzer device on my van now and realize I should of done it years ago. Although it makes you blow randomly as you drive and I need to get use to it. There is not many Alanon meetings around me but I think I will give it a try. My daughter is graduating high school in a few weeks and is interested in a community college. My other kids are doing great in soccer and baseball. I keep them busy and they seem to be unaffected my by husband.

Needabreak

I don't think jail sentences are meant to HELP the addict. They are meant to protect the rest of us FROM the addict's actions. Your husband is a menace. He may well injure or even kill someone before this is done.

You came here seeking advice, and now you seem pretty closed to any suggestions. I hope things work out for you.

TropicalWinter

It is up to your husband whether he wants help with his addiction or not, prison or no prison. There should be plenty of addiction counseling/treatment available in prison.

Regardless, the fact remains that he is a habitual drunk driver and needs to be held responsible for it. Refusing a breathalyzer is NOT a smart decision. Some places take that very seriously.

He is an alcoholic. There is no "slowing down." He's only doing that because the fire is getting hot. It's not going to last. It's impossible.

Your daughter desperately needs guidance before she is completely out of control. That is where you need to be focused, IMO. An underage drinking arrest in my world would mean complete loss of every sort of privilege for I don't even know HOW long (as in, her entire world would come to a GRINDING HALT), substance abuse therapy, and any other appropriate intervention. I hope she's seen a gyno and is on birth control.

I also GUARANTEE that your other children have been affected by their father's drinking.

shockozulu

My mother paralyzed a man when she got her first, and only, DUI. Although she pled out she never drove again. Even later when she was clean and sober the thought of injuring someone else was too much for her to bare. I do hope your husband has something to prevent him from doing this, or worse, in the future.

In the meantime you need to focus on yourself. Your husband doesn't want to change. He's had many chances from the court system to rehab. He won't change until he is ready. I say this as a double winner: 5 years sober and two addicts in my life (my late mother and ex-fiancé).

Jaeger

rosesarered,
Welcome to SR! I understand that you are not looking to leave your AH. Only you can make that decision. Your post reminds me a lot of myself. During my son's senior year he was arrested also. Looking back now, I think I dismissed it lightly thinking "kids will experiment". He favored marijuana more than alcohol and that has not changed in 4 years. It is heart breaking to see him on the road he is on.

There is not a doubt in my mind that the dysfunction in our house contributed to it. Not only that but my sick codependency. I truly did not see all that was going on in my own house. My husband is also an alcoholic, sober now but only after years of hell. I have been in Al-Anon for four years now, my husband sober for two. I am still just now seeing parts of the damage. It's so insidious. The more time passes, the more the kids open up and talk about it. I still struggle with forgiving myself for not seeing it and taking action sooner.

I urge you to try to attend Al-Anon. We say in our meetings that if one person in the home seeks recovery, the entire family is healthier. If you try a meeting you do not feel fits, try another. All meetings are different. Also, try at least 6 before you make up your mind if it is right for you. It is a life-saver for me and helps me to keep my sanity.

Please keep posting and being open to other people. In Al-Anon we say, "take what you like and leave the rest."

Jaeger

aliciagr

Congratulations on the sale of your first home. Good to hear the kids are doing good overall. Hard to say what drives teenage girls choices, but she is fortunate to have a caring mom.

I dont want to see anyone driving drunk, but I also believe everyone has the right to adequate legal counsel. Im sure there are a lot of emotions at work within you right now. If your dont feel comfortable in groups or speaking in front of others, then you might try an individual therapist which is what I did for myself. One mistake I made was to separate myself from my close friends and family. Once I opened that door back up it was like a weight was lifted from me. I hope you have some people in your life that will be there for you to lean on also.

Sotiredofitall

I'm pretty sure the drunk driver that killed my grandpa didn't mean to kill him when he got behind the wheel, drunk. But he chose to drink and drive and in my book he made the choice to risk my grandpas life. My grandpa is just as dead.

TropicalWinter

My grandfather lost both parents and his sister, all at the same time, because of a drunk driver. I have very strong feelings about drunk driving.

LexieCat

Rehabilitation is only ONE of the considerations in sentencing anyone for a crime. (I would note that he has had the benefit of that consideration several times already--it's not that the opportunity has been denied him.) Other considerations include both general and specific deterrence. Specific deterrence means deterring the person being sentenced from committing further crimes. Clearly, non-prison sentences have not had the hoped-for deterrent effect. He didn't say, "Wow, what a close call, something even worse could have happened and if I do it again I might get sent away, so I better take this seriously and never drive drunk again." Nope, he did it again and again and again. Locking him up for a substantial period of time is the only thing, seemingly, that will deter him. Even beyond him, though, GENERAL deterrence is meant to send a message to others--that drunk driving is a serious offense and something really bad could happen to YOU if you do it. Seven non-custodial sentences would send a terrible message to other would-be drunk drivers. There are other theories/considerations in sentencing too, but these are the most applicable ones for this situation. There's also the notion of equal justice--virtually anyone else in his situation would receive a substantial custodial sentence--why should he be singled out for special treatment?

You have a lot of good reasons why you would hope he escapes a prison sentence, and I can't say I blame you for that. At the same time, though, it would be good for you to acknowledge that he does, indeed, have it coming to him. Because if he DOES go to prison, it will help you not one bit to be angry at the system rather than the man who flouted it.