Help Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Help Please
Hi all, I am new to this forum and am really just looking for some honest advice. I am a pregnant 22 year old and I am currently not talking to my family. I grew up with an alcoholic mother with whom I have never had a real relationship with. My whole childhood I remember coming home from school and going straight to my bedroom for the rest of the day. (I am not an only child, but I was the only girl with 3 older brothers). If a conversation ever came up with my mother it would turn into yelling and me crying to my room or slamming the bedroom door. She would tell me to shut up constantly, call me vulgar names, and I knew she just didn't like me. My father and I never really spoke because by the time I got home from school he would be home from work and asleep. When I was 17 I found a man I fell in love with and the day I turned 18 I moved in with his family (Which were totally different from my family). He had saved me from all the depression I was dealing with, but somehow my mother is still able to make my life full of drama.
Last February she ended up in the hospital for pains and it turned out that she was suffering with liver failure from drinking. I already deal with anxiety (Which I feel came from my childhood), and this made my life miserable. Obviously I did not want my mother to die.. long story short, she quit drinking, recovered her liver, and was doing really well. For about 6 months I FINALLY had a relationship with my mom, shopping together, going to lunch, ect.. and then one day I was talking to her and I could tell she was acting the same as when she was drinking. I asked her if she was and she lied multiple times. I asked my brother and he said he saw her with a bottle of alcohol so I confronted her. She finally said she had ONE drink, which I knew was a lie. I couldn't believe that after all she had put my family through, she would start drinking again (mind you, she drank beer every day for about 17 years straight before quitting when she thought she was going to die).
So my dilemma: I was so happy to finally have a relationship with my mom, but am extremely hurt that that isn't enough reason for her to not drink again. I am also 8 months pregnant with my first baby and wanted nothing more than my mom by my side to help me through this, but she shattered that image. I no longer trust her and don't know if I should forgive her or cut her completely out of my life. Although we are an extremely dysfunctional family, we are all very close so cutting her out would be hard, but I want what is best for my own family and my mental and emotional health. I am tired of hearing about all her health problems because they know I care, but I don't want to care anymore. I have tried to help her so many times, but she doesn't want help. It is not fair that my husband has to be there to pick up the pieces every time I get hurt. What should I Do? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all in advance!
Last February she ended up in the hospital for pains and it turned out that she was suffering with liver failure from drinking. I already deal with anxiety (Which I feel came from my childhood), and this made my life miserable. Obviously I did not want my mother to die.. long story short, she quit drinking, recovered her liver, and was doing really well. For about 6 months I FINALLY had a relationship with my mom, shopping together, going to lunch, ect.. and then one day I was talking to her and I could tell she was acting the same as when she was drinking. I asked her if she was and she lied multiple times. I asked my brother and he said he saw her with a bottle of alcohol so I confronted her. She finally said she had ONE drink, which I knew was a lie. I couldn't believe that after all she had put my family through, she would start drinking again (mind you, she drank beer every day for about 17 years straight before quitting when she thought she was going to die).
So my dilemma: I was so happy to finally have a relationship with my mom, but am extremely hurt that that isn't enough reason for her to not drink again. I am also 8 months pregnant with my first baby and wanted nothing more than my mom by my side to help me through this, but she shattered that image. I no longer trust her and don't know if I should forgive her or cut her completely out of my life. Although we are an extremely dysfunctional family, we are all very close so cutting her out would be hard, but I want what is best for my own family and my mental and emotional health. I am tired of hearing about all her health problems because they know I care, but I don't want to care anymore. I have tried to help her so many times, but she doesn't want help. It is not fair that my husband has to be there to pick up the pieces every time I get hurt. What should I Do? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all in advance!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Chrysta and welcome. Congratulations on your upcoming little one! I was the only girl who grew up in a house with an alcoholic mother and a father who was completely uninvolved until he left. I was told by a therapist once that the hardest relationship for a child to bear is not the parent who is all bad, but rather the parent who is sometimes loving but sometimes horrible. You will also read about it here when people talk about the "intermittent chicken". When someone we love hurts us repeatedly but also treats us lovingly in between we begin to imagine that if we could behave a certain way and keep them happy they will treat us the way we know they can at times.
The confusion and uncertainty are not good for us, especially when the source of those emotions are from the person who is supposed to be our support. You sound like a very wise and insightful 22 year old, there was no way I was as intuitive about my situation when I was your age. The fact that you are able to see the dynamics in the relationship with your mother is really healthy, although I know it doesn't help diminish the pain you feel.
Becoming a mother myself made me even more aware of what I had missed as a child. I got sober when my daughter was fairly young because I remember what it felt like to be a child in such a chaotic home. Right now the focus of your life needs to be on you, your child and your husband.
Your mother is a grown woman. I hope you stick around here because there are many many threads about learning to detach and love from a distance. The main thought is , you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I know it is hard and painful to let go of the image of the loving mother that so many of us wanted but didn't have. I grew up fast and it sounds like you did too.
It isn't your job to fix your mother. She has a right to drink, but you have a right to set very firm boundaries with her. If she is haunting you with complaints about her physical woes, you don't need to indulge her and lift her up. There is a group called Al-Anon and also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics that have meetings. The forum here is a wonderful group of people who deal with the same issues every day and come here to gain strength and learn how to deal and detach.
My mother got sober and I wish I could say she was a wonderful grandmother but she remained stuck in a selfish place. In some ways she saw the grandchildren as threats as they shifted the focus away from her. But I feel that I have created the home life I wished for, stable, loving and happy. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and in-laws, and you are a very intelligent and wise young woman. The life you have ahead of you is not the life you came from. I am glad you are here, the more you read the more you will know you are most definitely not alone.
The confusion and uncertainty are not good for us, especially when the source of those emotions are from the person who is supposed to be our support. You sound like a very wise and insightful 22 year old, there was no way I was as intuitive about my situation when I was your age. The fact that you are able to see the dynamics in the relationship with your mother is really healthy, although I know it doesn't help diminish the pain you feel.
Becoming a mother myself made me even more aware of what I had missed as a child. I got sober when my daughter was fairly young because I remember what it felt like to be a child in such a chaotic home. Right now the focus of your life needs to be on you, your child and your husband.
Your mother is a grown woman. I hope you stick around here because there are many many threads about learning to detach and love from a distance. The main thought is , you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I know it is hard and painful to let go of the image of the loving mother that so many of us wanted but didn't have. I grew up fast and it sounds like you did too.
It isn't your job to fix your mother. She has a right to drink, but you have a right to set very firm boundaries with her. If she is haunting you with complaints about her physical woes, you don't need to indulge her and lift her up. There is a group called Al-Anon and also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics that have meetings. The forum here is a wonderful group of people who deal with the same issues every day and come here to gain strength and learn how to deal and detach.
My mother got sober and I wish I could say she was a wonderful grandmother but she remained stuck in a selfish place. In some ways she saw the grandchildren as threats as they shifted the focus away from her. But I feel that I have created the home life I wished for, stable, loving and happy. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and in-laws, and you are a very intelligent and wise young woman. The life you have ahead of you is not the life you came from. I am glad you are here, the more you read the more you will know you are most definitely not alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Crysta, and welcome!
I understand a bit of what you're dealing with. My second husband almost died of liver failure. He got sober, briefly (which is when we got married--my first husband had been sober many years and I figured the health scare would be enough to put him off drinking, for good), but a few months later he went right back to it. I left, and as far as I know, he's still drinking himself to death. And it's been almost 20 years since I left!
I know it's different when it's a mom, and I also know how emotions go when you're pregnant (congrats on that!).
Have you or any of your family been to Al-Anon? It was an absolute lifeline for me. It's completely valid if you have to stop contact with your mom, but there might be a middle road that would enable you to step away from the drama without cutting her or the rest of your family out entirely. You can set some healthy boundaries for yourself, which might involve things like not discussing her health problems or her drinking (at least as long as she is doing it). You can refuse to talk to her when she's clearly been drinking, by saying something like, "Mom, I love you but I'm not going to have conversations with you when you've been drinking. I'll talk to you later," and then hang up. You can work on emotionally detaching from the drama in the rest of the family.
You can try those things, and if they don't work for you, no contact is, as I said, a valid option. I'm suggesting trying some other tools first, because I can tell you'd rather not cut all contact just yet.
Al-Anon will be great for helping you keep the focus on you and on what's best for you.
Hugs, glad you're here. Hope you will stick around.
I understand a bit of what you're dealing with. My second husband almost died of liver failure. He got sober, briefly (which is when we got married--my first husband had been sober many years and I figured the health scare would be enough to put him off drinking, for good), but a few months later he went right back to it. I left, and as far as I know, he's still drinking himself to death. And it's been almost 20 years since I left!
I know it's different when it's a mom, and I also know how emotions go when you're pregnant (congrats on that!).
Have you or any of your family been to Al-Anon? It was an absolute lifeline for me. It's completely valid if you have to stop contact with your mom, but there might be a middle road that would enable you to step away from the drama without cutting her or the rest of your family out entirely. You can set some healthy boundaries for yourself, which might involve things like not discussing her health problems or her drinking (at least as long as she is doing it). You can refuse to talk to her when she's clearly been drinking, by saying something like, "Mom, I love you but I'm not going to have conversations with you when you've been drinking. I'll talk to you later," and then hang up. You can work on emotionally detaching from the drama in the rest of the family.
You can try those things, and if they don't work for you, no contact is, as I said, a valid option. I'm suggesting trying some other tools first, because I can tell you'd rather not cut all contact just yet.
Al-Anon will be great for helping you keep the focus on you and on what's best for you.
Hugs, glad you're here. Hope you will stick around.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Crysta22 
Although we are an extremely dysfunctional family, we are all very close so cutting her out would be hard, but I want what is best for my own family and my mental and emotional health.....I have tried to help her so many times, but she doesn't want help.
You're right that your mother does not accept help. For a happy life, your focus is better placed on learning how to lovingly detach from your mom - which does not mean cutting her off. It's an emotional state of mind that will be the most precious gift that you can give to yourself, your husband and your little one. But few of us are able to disentangle without ongoing support and guidance. Your husband cannot be (as you righty already say) your one source of support. Al-Anon is always there for those of us who want to live a happy life, no matter the dysfunction and codependency in our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
I just want to say thank you all for your stories/advice. I appreciate your responses and I take all advice to heart. I think I will look for an Al-Anon group to seek extra support. I wondered whether I should put myself out there and share such a personal thing, but I am glad I did. You all make it easier to cope, knowing I am not alone. I think for now, I will need to set up my own boundaries when it comes to the baby and see what happens. Thank you everyone!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Crysta, I hope you find an Alanon group or groups that you like. For me, the combination of Alanon for face-to-face support and SR was a strong one, and I can't imagine where I'd be if not for both those resources.
I also hope you keep reading and posting here at SR. There is such a tremendous depth and breadth of experience here, and you can learn so much.
I also wanted to let you know about another section of the forum, found here: Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
As the title says, it's specifically for relatives of A's, simply b/c the situation when your A is a parent, child or sibling is a little different. Those of us w/an A as a partner or spouse can end the relationship in one of several ways. Those w/an A as a relative don't have quite the same options. You might find some additional help there, too.
Welcome to SR, and I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better already.
I also hope you keep reading and posting here at SR. There is such a tremendous depth and breadth of experience here, and you can learn so much.
I also wanted to let you know about another section of the forum, found here: Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
As the title says, it's specifically for relatives of A's, simply b/c the situation when your A is a parent, child or sibling is a little different. Those of us w/an A as a partner or spouse can end the relationship in one of several ways. Those w/an A as a relative don't have quite the same options. You might find some additional help there, too.
Welcome to SR, and I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better already.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
In addition to the forum section that honeypig mentioned, there are Al-Anon groups specifically for adult children of alcoholics (ACoA.) You'll get a lot out of any Al-Anon group that you feel good about, but in the ACoA groups you'll find that every person there understands the same personal thing that you bring to the group. There is so very much "magic" in just feeling heard.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
