honeypig

I posted a thread called "Functional Alcoholic" several days ago, focusing on an item I'd saved in my "Wisdom of SR" folder that kind of sprang out at me as I was re-reading. A lot of people joined in the discussion, and there was a request to post further items from that folder.

Here is another gem. Hope you find it useful.

Again, I can't attribute b/c I don't save the member's names, only the posts.

LexieCat

I think you forgot to post the gem, hp.

honeypig

Well, dip me in chocolate and roll me in peanuts! Yeah, it's better if you post the gem...

Here it is for real:

Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.

2ndhandrose

well, now you just sound delicious!!

aliciagr

Thanks Honeypig.

I was wondering something. When I read about recovery something confuses me to a certain point. Why is there often an assumption that the person who has the addiction is immature, irresponsible, or needs to learn to take care of themselves and learn to do for themselves? I realize this is sometimes the case, but I dont see those issues with my husband. He does have emotional issues that led him to search for solutions in the wrong places, but its really doesnt match up with the idea put out there about what recovery should look like or contain. I was just wondering if others noticed this with their mates? Or does it have to do with how far a person falls into their addiction and how bad off they become?

FallenAngelina

My BF has been a serious alcoholic for 30 years and he is none of those, either. It took me forever to see that alcohol was a problem and even longer to get myself to Al-Anon because my BF is so good to me, never breaks a date, owns and keeps up his own home and never misses work. I didn't relate to the stories about horrific abuse, broken promises and deteriorating appearance. I asked for no contact six days ago (moving toward breaking up) because I have finally realized that unless he addresses all the reasons he drinks (AKA goes into recovery or works on "self-enlightenment," as honeypig's post says) we will never have the depth of intimacy that I want in a life partner. I've been with him while five months sober and he is the same person and has the same emotional issues as when he is drinking. I really never had much of an issue with his drinking because he is responsible and loving, even when drunk. But all of the reasons he drinks so much and so often - that deeply buried pain comes between us. I know enough now to understand that without years of recovery and lots of sincere soul searching, he will never be fully emotionally available for me.

I came to see that life with an alcoholic doesn't have to get horrendous before I decided that I want a fully available intimate life partner. Anyone who is an active alcoholic is not fully available for intimacy. And as honeypig's post points out, neither is an alcoholic who has merely stopped drinking.

LexieCat

Alcoholism/addiction doesn't affect everyone exactly the same way in every respect. There are common threads that are common enough to be topics of discussion among alcoholics/addicts and family/friends. Among the factors is how/when the addiction first developed. When someone starts drinking/using drugs at a very young age they tend to sort of "freeze" there, emotionally. A 40-50 y/o who's been drinking since his teens is going to have a lot more catching up to do than someone who starts drinking alcoholically much later in life. I think I had an easier time because after some binge-drinking in high school and college, I drank VERY little until I was in my 40s. So I did all that growing-up stuff for the most part, and when I quit, it wasn't as steep a hill as some people have to climb when they get sober.

aliciagr

In my husbands case I feel his solution is more with dealing with underlying emotional issues and he uses a therapist which hopefully will speed the process. And of course he needs to avoid the self medication and escapism the substances bring. I know its hard work to get into your past and your emotions. Time to heal and make peace does takes time which I what I remind myself.

I also view posts and do see where when addiction starts early or goes on a long time, a lot of general life skills and things we learn as we develop were not formed somehow and i guess its because the substance keeps them in fog and keeps the world small. Sad to think about.

FallenAngelina

Just clarifying: Is he drinking now and seeing a therapist at the same time?

aliciagr

No he is ok now, and just working on underlying issues with his therapist. I guess the thing for me is that of course everyone is different and they say that many people are not actually true alcoholics but rather abuse alcohol, often for various reasons. I think this is where my husband fits in. His drinking escalated in combination with drug use. That began when he was having emotional issues related to dealing with his family after we relocated close to them, I dont know Ive just always been confused by some of the ideas around recovery and some of it escalated when I was in Alanon and their take vs in therapy myself.