steve-in-kville

I debated where to post this.... so I'll start here. I guess if a mod wants it moved or deleted, so be it.

So ladies, after your husband/boyfriend/partner sobered up, was there a change in intimacy? Like specifically in the frequency? Here's my deal: I'm sober a few months now. Seems like we go through "dry spells" for a few weeks and then its like we're newlyweds again. My wife hasn't said anything (I think she's just happy I'm sober) but I didn't know if this will level out a bit, or if this is a new normal. I don't know what to expect.

Lets just say things are way different than when I was drinking.

ETA: actually, anyone can answer this. Doesn't just have to be the ladies!

LexieCat

Lots of times it's the female partners of newly sober alcoholics asking that question. All I can say is that alcoholism and new sobriety throw all kinds of intimacy issues, including trust and safety, out of whack. I wouldn't doubt that your wife has a lot of resentments about the drinking days, even if she is doing her best to keep a lid on them or work them through.

If I were you I'd be patient and considerate. If this continues for months longer, maybe marriage counseling would help. Hard to say--every person and relationship is different.

AnvilheadII

sober sex is weird for everyone.....for the drinker and their partner. the routine is different, your "rico sauve" moves are different, her interest is different, and sex has a different purpose now.

there is no rule on how often. no quota to keep. it's likely, or at least possible, that in the past she just went along with it when you were under the influence hoping to get it over with and you'd pass out. maybe you weren't that type of drunk. dunno. but give time time. be a good sober partner........the rest will sort itself out.

Westexy

Everyone is different when it comes to sex. The change you notice could be that she feels more confident about asserting her own preferences, or it could be that she is having trust issues, or about a hundred other things. That said, can you talk with your wife about it gently - the same way that you asked us? If you can communicate about it lovingly, that's huge.

SaveYourHeart

I made a policy where I wouldn't have sex with AH when he was drinking. The smell of his breath nauseated me and sometimes his body wouldn't cooperate and quite frankly, I didn't want to be around a stinky drunk guy.

He was sober for three weeks and we had more sex in those three weeks than we've had in months.

At first we were wary of each other but then it was like we were newlyweds again and it was great. WAS great.

Sex in general is not my cup of tea, I have a very low libido. But when we were having sex more regularly, I would also go through points where I didn't want to have sex and then the erratic LET'S DO IT OMG phases. I blame it on my birth control because my libido was much higher before the pill. I'd suggest talking to your wife if your needs aren't being met. My husband was good about that and we would make an effort to do things more frequently for each other. I know for me, I need to feel loved to have sex, and he needs to have sex to feel loved. Best of luck Steve!

Smarie78

I think it depends on the situation. I would agree with Lexie on the resentment side of things. When he is dry, I sometimes lose interest in sex because I'm so resentful and angry that it's hard to want to get wild in the sheets when your mind is tangled into all the stuff he's put you through. Especially because sex is usually such an act that should be out of love and safety and desire. Those things are hard to feel when you're life feels like it's being abused by your partner. Women need to feel secure. When she doesn't know how long your sobriety is goi g to be there for, her reluctance can be waiting for that shoe to drop. You mentioned she seems "just happy I'm sober". This might be all she can give right now. Addiction steals a lot from the people you love. It's hard to give away affection to someone who has hurt you so much. Your wife may be experiencing the same. Sometimes alcoholics forget that their loved ones are also healing and reeling from the addiction.
Now if booze is something you both once used to get crazy in bed, that makes sense too. I guess I would need more info on what specifically feels different then and now. In particular, what was it like while you were drinking?? And - is 3 months sober the longest you've been sober? My guess is what while you were drinking this impacted her a lot and you may not remember what sex was like or if it even existed as you remembered. Now that you're sober I would expect she's reeling. I would talk to her about it and see why she might be feeling distant.

Berrybean

I dunno. I feel like the first year of sobriety I spent trying to figure out the new person I am, and then opened my eyes and realised that I don't really know who HE is as much as I kidded myself all those years when drinking. Our together times for over 20 years were our drunk times. Now I'm having to learn what makes him tick and makes him feel loved and appreciated, and how best to show him my love (not just in a sexual way - that's way down the line for me tbh) and also how I want him to show his love for me. I'm reading a really good book about 'love languages' at the moment, and it's making me do some thinking right now. Once I've digested the info I know I will need to change some of the ways I behave towards him if I want more closeness.

Lol. Don't suppose that was all that helpful to be honest. Sorry. BB

PS the book is called 'The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts' and its by Gary D. Chapman

schnappi99

Sobriety from the drug (alcohol on her part, emotional dependency on mine) has led to celibacy here. Its a drag but probably the way it needs to be.. since she's not into the idea and reluctant and perhaps in some sense unable to talk about emotional/spiritual topics then its better for me not to press. And let me tell you its taken a good bit of program work for me to be OK about it.

steve-in-kville

Our deal is, she is pre-menopausal, whether she realizes it or not. When I was drinking, I could do it twice a day if I could. She is more of a once a week type herself. Now that I am sober, I could go for a week or so. I guess I feel kinda "flat." Last time I was this way, I was on antidepressant drugs, which is a side effect of those meds.

So I guess we kinda make it work!