I came back because...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
He got me a new wedding band and I have to pay for it. I know. He's so sweet! Then he says, I'm not paying those bills because they are yours and you are not living with me. We are not husband n wife so you figure it out!
Here to offer support, Box. You still rock.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
What a twitter-pated, double-dealing dung-beetle. And (turn on sarcasm font) how could you possibly NOT find yourself irredeemably attracted to him and WANT to make out? He's throwing out all those lovely, romantic gestures. (sarcasm font end)
Here to offer support, Box. You still rock.
Here to offer support, Box. You still rock.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
BR nice to see you.
I spilt from RAH early this year. Best decision ever made. Your description of the level of responsibility on you nearly induced a panic attack in me. Although sober, that part of him never changed. Exhausted doesn't even decribe it.....
I think it's worth over this year to look at the relationship in totality minus the alcohol. I too got promises of change but no thanks anyway. That s**t is a personality issue and IMO much harder to change than putting the bottle down.
Good luck with this and as far as being on your own, when you lose the responsibility of keeping up another adult it's a cake walk.
I spilt from RAH early this year. Best decision ever made. Your description of the level of responsibility on you nearly induced a panic attack in me. Although sober, that part of him never changed. Exhausted doesn't even decribe it.....
I think it's worth over this year to look at the relationship in totality minus the alcohol. I too got promises of change but no thanks anyway. That s**t is a personality issue and IMO much harder to change than putting the bottle down.
Good luck with this and as far as being on your own, when you lose the responsibility of keeping up another adult it's a cake walk.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rotzy, I just stopped by to bring you some hugs and to let you know that I've been cheering you on and keeping you in my prayers behind the scenes too.
It sounds like you have found clarity, no rose coloured glasses for you. Good for you for standing on your own and making a good life for yourself that doesn't depend on anyone else.
However this unfolds, I know you are a strong and wise person who will do just fine in life.
Hugs and Hugs xoxo
It sounds like you have found clarity, no rose coloured glasses for you. Good for you for standing on your own and making a good life for yourself that doesn't depend on anyone else.
However this unfolds, I know you are a strong and wise person who will do just fine in life.
Hugs and Hugs xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
So many things running through my head over the last week or so.
I'll start off by saying that my brother's GF jumped my case because I did not sweep her floors 3 times a day while they were gone for 2 days at a water park. She berated me over letting m y granddaughter play with her own playdough that my mom got her and I missed a piece while cleaning it up the night before. She ripped me because I fed the dogs to much food. Then she told me that I would have to replace all the pop in the house because there was none left even after my brother told her that he packed it all to go to the water park. That night was a really bad night. I turned to quietly walk away from her and she called me a child n told me that running away wouldn't fix this and the only thing I do is get up to go see my worthless husband and get on my phone.
I cried out on the steps for 2 hours that night after work. It was 0130 when I finally came in. But while I was sitting out there, I thought about how messed up my life really is and how much I miss my husband and I could hear him tell me that if I didn't leave, he'd still be drinking. I felt so alone. Almost like a dog abandoned in the woods left to fend for itself.
I sit here today and still, I feel the abandonment. I had given everything I had to someone I thought loved me and every chance he had, he proved otherwise. I've sat and wondered, What is it about you that you would allow someone to treat you so badly when you don't deserve the BS that comes along in his package. Right now, I still don't know that answer and it keeps me from going back.
Yesterday, I stopped over to see him. Not only him but my dogs, clean the pool and borrow the mower. And I had to tell him that I do not appreciate text that invite me over to get naked and just go at it. It's not cute and it's not my idea of having a good time, especially with someone who has caused me so much pain and even degraded me and my ways with him that was supposed to be special between us. What I mean by that is, he told me soon after I left that he knows I love to have sex and he knows how I am when I do and he knows I'm giving it to someone else. He's made me feel that nothing was sacred between us and using my feelings for him against me to hurt me so deeply. So now, when he says stuff like, Lets get naked, cuddle, whatever, I tell him it's very inappropriate for where we are in this relationship. I don't feel secure in knowing that he appreciates me or cares about how he's made me feel over the last 7 years.
Which leads to another issue. The last 7 years. He tells me it's the past and I need to forget about it. I need to get over it. Hearing him say that tells me that my feelings on the matter DON'T MATTER! Like I should just forgive him and wipe the slate clean as he'd say. You know, because he's a changed man. In 2 weeks, he's got his life together and I need to realize that. Oh... but if it were so easy. I know that time after time, he has proven to me that this is not the case. I know that if I do decide to be with him in a sexual manner that it will send him the wrong signals and he'll think that everything is on it's way to being his way. Just like he said, I'm used to getting my way! I get what I want! And really, to hell with you.
Yesterday, it really hit me on how much of a lie my life has been with him. From day one, he admits he has been a drunk and how he hid it until he couldn't hide it anymore after the I DO's. How lied to me and everything we had was just a LIE. He wants me to believe that the guy I know sober (22 months out of 7 years) is who he really is and how well we got along and he can be that person and he knows I love that guy so much. He can be the man I need. The thing is, right now, I don't need a man. I don't need any man. I just need to be alone in all honesty because I thought I knew who I was as a person but truthfully, I really don't know. I don't know why I let a man dump his emotional baggage and issues on me for me to deal with when quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's not my right to fix. It's not my business to look into and here I sat for 7 years all up in his bag of ******** trying to figure this dude out and he's missing piles of sh!t to his bag and he's telling me to help him. The right thing to do would have been telling him no. But the co dependency in me was like, You have to help him and do whatever he needs because you can and you will. That's just not true.
I love my husband. I can't erase the feelings I have for him even though he is a complete turd. But what I can do is stay the hell off his merry go round while I'm living alone and watch to see if he leaves the park. It's his choice. He can play his game of life card any way he chooses. I know how I'm playing mine. I'm keeping it in my pocket and not participating in his game. Because I don't have too. I feel a lot of insecurities right now that I don't how to deal with and giving into Party of One is the wrong thing to do! If he wants to appeal to me that this marriage is good enough to save, he'll have to start building a new foundation because he came through the last one as a T5 tornado and I have nothing but dirt to go off of. I'm taking this year to work on me and get my footings in. There is no foundation that can stand if there is no footing to rest on.
I'm giving myself the extra chance this time because I deserve it.
I'll start off by saying that my brother's GF jumped my case because I did not sweep her floors 3 times a day while they were gone for 2 days at a water park. She berated me over letting m y granddaughter play with her own playdough that my mom got her and I missed a piece while cleaning it up the night before. She ripped me because I fed the dogs to much food. Then she told me that I would have to replace all the pop in the house because there was none left even after my brother told her that he packed it all to go to the water park. That night was a really bad night. I turned to quietly walk away from her and she called me a child n told me that running away wouldn't fix this and the only thing I do is get up to go see my worthless husband and get on my phone.
I cried out on the steps for 2 hours that night after work. It was 0130 when I finally came in. But while I was sitting out there, I thought about how messed up my life really is and how much I miss my husband and I could hear him tell me that if I didn't leave, he'd still be drinking. I felt so alone. Almost like a dog abandoned in the woods left to fend for itself.
I sit here today and still, I feel the abandonment. I had given everything I had to someone I thought loved me and every chance he had, he proved otherwise. I've sat and wondered, What is it about you that you would allow someone to treat you so badly when you don't deserve the BS that comes along in his package. Right now, I still don't know that answer and it keeps me from going back.
Yesterday, I stopped over to see him. Not only him but my dogs, clean the pool and borrow the mower. And I had to tell him that I do not appreciate text that invite me over to get naked and just go at it. It's not cute and it's not my idea of having a good time, especially with someone who has caused me so much pain and even degraded me and my ways with him that was supposed to be special between us. What I mean by that is, he told me soon after I left that he knows I love to have sex and he knows how I am when I do and he knows I'm giving it to someone else. He's made me feel that nothing was sacred between us and using my feelings for him against me to hurt me so deeply. So now, when he says stuff like, Lets get naked, cuddle, whatever, I tell him it's very inappropriate for where we are in this relationship. I don't feel secure in knowing that he appreciates me or cares about how he's made me feel over the last 7 years.
Which leads to another issue. The last 7 years. He tells me it's the past and I need to forget about it. I need to get over it. Hearing him say that tells me that my feelings on the matter DON'T MATTER! Like I should just forgive him and wipe the slate clean as he'd say. You know, because he's a changed man. In 2 weeks, he's got his life together and I need to realize that. Oh... but if it were so easy. I know that time after time, he has proven to me that this is not the case. I know that if I do decide to be with him in a sexual manner that it will send him the wrong signals and he'll think that everything is on it's way to being his way. Just like he said, I'm used to getting my way! I get what I want! And really, to hell with you.
Yesterday, it really hit me on how much of a lie my life has been with him. From day one, he admits he has been a drunk and how he hid it until he couldn't hide it anymore after the I DO's. How lied to me and everything we had was just a LIE. He wants me to believe that the guy I know sober (22 months out of 7 years) is who he really is and how well we got along and he can be that person and he knows I love that guy so much. He can be the man I need. The thing is, right now, I don't need a man. I don't need any man. I just need to be alone in all honesty because I thought I knew who I was as a person but truthfully, I really don't know. I don't know why I let a man dump his emotional baggage and issues on me for me to deal with when quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's not my right to fix. It's not my business to look into and here I sat for 7 years all up in his bag of ******** trying to figure this dude out and he's missing piles of sh!t to his bag and he's telling me to help him. The right thing to do would have been telling him no. But the co dependency in me was like, You have to help him and do whatever he needs because you can and you will. That's just not true.
I love my husband. I can't erase the feelings I have for him even though he is a complete turd. But what I can do is stay the hell off his merry go round while I'm living alone and watch to see if he leaves the park. It's his choice. He can play his game of life card any way he chooses. I know how I'm playing mine. I'm keeping it in my pocket and not participating in his game. Because I don't have too. I feel a lot of insecurities right now that I don't how to deal with and giving into Party of One is the wrong thing to do! If he wants to appeal to me that this marriage is good enough to save, he'll have to start building a new foundation because he came through the last one as a T5 tornado and I have nothing but dirt to go off of. I'm taking this year to work on me and get my footings in. There is no foundation that can stand if there is no footing to rest on.
I'm giving myself the extra chance this time because I deserve it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Rotz, the guy has permanent brain damage. Which means that no matter what he does in terms of quitting drinking and making whatever efforts he can, he's never going to be a capable partner. I have no idea how much the brain damage affects his ability to stay sober, but the fact remains that you have a long and ugly history with his alcoholism.
When I left my second husband, after he went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I didn't hate him. I still loved him and hoped he would eventually decide to live sober. But I had no hope that I could go back to him, that I could ever feel safe or secure in that relationship again. I simply LET GO. I wished him well on his journey in life and embarked on my own.
Nobody I've ever seen has tried harder than you. We all have our limits, though. I'm afraid that whatever he does he will never be a partner who will allow you to blossom the way you should.
Hugs,
When I left my second husband, after he went back to drinking after almost dying of it, I didn't hate him. I still loved him and hoped he would eventually decide to live sober. But I had no hope that I could go back to him, that I could ever feel safe or secure in that relationship again. I simply LET GO. I wished him well on his journey in life and embarked on my own.
Nobody I've ever seen has tried harder than you. We all have our limits, though. I'm afraid that whatever he does he will never be a partner who will allow you to blossom the way you should.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I know he has a TBI. I knew he'd never be the same if he survived. I'm just taking some time to myself and seeing where life takes me. Because I don't know where I'll be in a year from now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
I know he has a TBI. I knew he'd never be the same if he survived. I'm just taking some time to myself and seeing where life takes me. Because I don't know where I'll be in a year from now.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Totally new but...
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
So many things running through my head over the last week or so.
I'll start off by saying that my brother's GF jumped my case because I did not sweep her floors 3 times a day while they were gone for 2 days at a water park. She berated me over letting m y granddaughter play with her own playdough that my mom got her and I missed a piece while cleaning it up the night before. She ripped me because I fed the dogs to much food. Then she told me that I would have to replace all the pop in the house because there was none left even after my brother told her that he packed it all to go to the water park. That night was a really bad night. I turned to quietly walk away from her and she called me a child n told me that running away wouldn't fix this and the only thing I do is get up to go see my worthless husband and get on my phone.
I cried out on the steps for 2 hours that night after work. It was 0130 when I finally came in. But while I was sitting out there, I thought about how messed up my life really is and how much I miss my husband and I could hear him tell me that if I didn't leave, he'd still be drinking. I felt so alone. Almost like a dog abandoned in the woods left to fend for itself.
I sit here today and still, I feel the abandonment. I had given everything I had to someone I thought loved me and every chance he had, he proved otherwise. I've sat and wondered, What is it about you that you would allow someone to treat you so badly when you don't deserve the BS that comes along in his package. Right now, I still don't know that answer and it keeps me from going back.
Yesterday, I stopped over to see him. Not only him but my dogs, clean the pool and borrow the mower. And I had to tell him that I do not appreciate text that invite me over to get naked and just go at it. It's not cute and it's not my idea of having a good time, especially with someone who has caused me so much pain and even degraded me and my ways with him that was supposed to be special between us. What I mean by that is, he told me soon after I left that he knows I love to have sex and he knows how I am when I do and he knows I'm giving it to someone else. He's made me feel that nothing was sacred between us and using my feelings for him against me to hurt me so deeply. So now, when he says stuff like, Lets get naked, cuddle, whatever, I tell him it's very inappropriate for where we are in this relationship. I don't feel secure in knowing that he appreciates me or cares about how he's made me feel over the last 7 years.
Which leads to another issue. The last 7 years. He tells me it's the past and I need to forget about it. I need to get over it. Hearing him say that tells me that my feelings on the matter DON'T MATTER! Like I should just forgive him and wipe the slate clean as he'd say. You know, because he's a changed man. In 2 weeks, he's got his life together and I need to realize that. Oh... but if it were so easy. I know that time after time, he has proven to me that this is not the case. I know that if I do decide to be with him in a sexual manner that it will send him the wrong signals and he'll think that everything is on it's way to being his way. Just like he said, I'm used to getting my way! I get what I want! And really, to hell with you.
Yesterday, it really hit me on how much of a lie my life has been with him. From day one, he admits he has been a drunk and how he hid it until he couldn't hide it anymore after the I DO's. How lied to me and everything we had was just a LIE. He wants me to believe that the guy I know sober (22 months out of 7 years) is who he really is and how well we got along and he can be that person and he knows I love that guy so much. He can be the man I need. The thing is, right now, I don't need a man. I don't need any man. I just need to be alone in all honesty because I thought I knew who I was as a person but truthfully, I really don't know. I don't know why I let a man dump his emotional baggage and issues on me for me to deal with when quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's not my right to fix. It's not my business to look into and here I sat for 7 years all up in his bag of ******** trying to figure this dude out and he's missing piles of sh!t to his bag and he's telling me to help him. The right thing to do would have been telling him no. But the co dependency in me was like, You have to help him and do whatever he needs because you can and you will. That's just not true.
I love my husband. I can't erase the feelings I have for him even though he is a complete turd. But what I can do is stay the hell off his merry go round while I'm living alone and watch to see if he leaves the park. It's his choice. He can play his game of life card any way he chooses. I know how I'm playing mine. I'm keeping it in my pocket and not participating in his game. Because I don't have too. I feel a lot of insecurities right now that I don't how to deal with and giving into Party of One is the wrong thing to do! If he wants to appeal to me that this marriage is good enough to save, he'll have to start building a new foundation because he came through the last one as a T5 tornado and I have nothing but dirt to go off of. I'm taking this year to work on me and get my footings in. There is no foundation that can stand if there is no footing to rest on.
I'm giving myself the extra chance this time because I deserve it.
I'll start off by saying that my brother's GF jumped my case because I did not sweep her floors 3 times a day while they were gone for 2 days at a water park. She berated me over letting m y granddaughter play with her own playdough that my mom got her and I missed a piece while cleaning it up the night before. She ripped me because I fed the dogs to much food. Then she told me that I would have to replace all the pop in the house because there was none left even after my brother told her that he packed it all to go to the water park. That night was a really bad night. I turned to quietly walk away from her and she called me a child n told me that running away wouldn't fix this and the only thing I do is get up to go see my worthless husband and get on my phone.
I cried out on the steps for 2 hours that night after work. It was 0130 when I finally came in. But while I was sitting out there, I thought about how messed up my life really is and how much I miss my husband and I could hear him tell me that if I didn't leave, he'd still be drinking. I felt so alone. Almost like a dog abandoned in the woods left to fend for itself.
I sit here today and still, I feel the abandonment. I had given everything I had to someone I thought loved me and every chance he had, he proved otherwise. I've sat and wondered, What is it about you that you would allow someone to treat you so badly when you don't deserve the BS that comes along in his package. Right now, I still don't know that answer and it keeps me from going back.
Yesterday, I stopped over to see him. Not only him but my dogs, clean the pool and borrow the mower. And I had to tell him that I do not appreciate text that invite me over to get naked and just go at it. It's not cute and it's not my idea of having a good time, especially with someone who has caused me so much pain and even degraded me and my ways with him that was supposed to be special between us. What I mean by that is, he told me soon after I left that he knows I love to have sex and he knows how I am when I do and he knows I'm giving it to someone else. He's made me feel that nothing was sacred between us and using my feelings for him against me to hurt me so deeply. So now, when he says stuff like, Lets get naked, cuddle, whatever, I tell him it's very inappropriate for where we are in this relationship. I don't feel secure in knowing that he appreciates me or cares about how he's made me feel over the last 7 years.
Which leads to another issue. The last 7 years. He tells me it's the past and I need to forget about it. I need to get over it. Hearing him say that tells me that my feelings on the matter DON'T MATTER! Like I should just forgive him and wipe the slate clean as he'd say. You know, because he's a changed man. In 2 weeks, he's got his life together and I need to realize that. Oh... but if it were so easy. I know that time after time, he has proven to me that this is not the case. I know that if I do decide to be with him in a sexual manner that it will send him the wrong signals and he'll think that everything is on it's way to being his way. Just like he said, I'm used to getting my way! I get what I want! And really, to hell with you.
Yesterday, it really hit me on how much of a lie my life has been with him. From day one, he admits he has been a drunk and how he hid it until he couldn't hide it anymore after the I DO's. How lied to me and everything we had was just a LIE. He wants me to believe that the guy I know sober (22 months out of 7 years) is who he really is and how well we got along and he can be that person and he knows I love that guy so much. He can be the man I need. The thing is, right now, I don't need a man. I don't need any man. I just need to be alone in all honesty because I thought I knew who I was as a person but truthfully, I really don't know. I don't know why I let a man dump his emotional baggage and issues on me for me to deal with when quite frankly, it's not my problem. It's not my right to fix. It's not my business to look into and here I sat for 7 years all up in his bag of ******** trying to figure this dude out and he's missing piles of sh!t to his bag and he's telling me to help him. The right thing to do would have been telling him no. But the co dependency in me was like, You have to help him and do whatever he needs because you can and you will. That's just not true.
I love my husband. I can't erase the feelings I have for him even though he is a complete turd. But what I can do is stay the hell off his merry go round while I'm living alone and watch to see if he leaves the park. It's his choice. He can play his game of life card any way he chooses. I know how I'm playing mine. I'm keeping it in my pocket and not participating in his game. Because I don't have too. I feel a lot of insecurities right now that I don't how to deal with and giving into Party of One is the wrong thing to do! If he wants to appeal to me that this marriage is good enough to save, he'll have to start building a new foundation because he came through the last one as a T5 tornado and I have nothing but dirt to go off of. I'm taking this year to work on me and get my footings in. There is no foundation that can stand if there is no footing to rest on.
I'm giving myself the extra chance this time because I deserve it.
I loved my guy since I was 11. We're both late 40's now and reconnected. I was "lucky" I figured out what was going on after only 6 months. But! Some of the most hurtful memories are around me NEVER EVER EVER, not one time, getting my feelings met or even acknowledge. Or HIM taking accountability for ANYTHING.
The only relief from my pain and void was just getting over it. Not a good way to live. I can meet MORE of my emotional needs alone. A relationship should add things to your life right? Even with flaws and whatever. After the math is done... we should feel in the positive. Yes?
Glad you returned. Sorry for your pain. Don't let him trick you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Flower...sober is not the same as not drinking.
Sober is responsible. It's respectful of others and their needs and emotions. Sober is being accountable for the past and the present. Sober is kind. Sober can take no for an answer and not go off on a tantrum.
Living with someone and watching their every move to see if they're drinking or not is not a life. It's being a warden.
BInR, you are a very insightful and intelligent person. Trust your instincts. if you sleep with him, in his mind it's back to regular programming, like those years never happened.
Your pain is valid. You deserve to have that acknowledged. You deserve respect, not manipulation.
Taking time for YOU is brilliant. Treat yourself like a queen...you've earned it.
Sober is responsible. It's respectful of others and their needs and emotions. Sober is being accountable for the past and the present. Sober is kind. Sober can take no for an answer and not go off on a tantrum.
Living with someone and watching their every move to see if they're drinking or not is not a life. It's being a warden.
BInR, you are a very insightful and intelligent person. Trust your instincts. if you sleep with him, in his mind it's back to regular programming, like those years never happened.
Your pain is valid. You deserve to have that acknowledged. You deserve respect, not manipulation.
Taking time for YOU is brilliant. Treat yourself like a queen...you've earned it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by flower959
@BoxinRotz
How will you know if he's sober or not? Especially since you're not living with him?
How will you know if he's sober or not? Especially since you're not living with him?
Here's a link that explains a little bit:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...lic-dry-drunk/
Don't know if you know how to find old threads/posts by members here, flower, but you just put your cursor over the member's name, right click your mouse, and a list will show up, w/2 of the options "find other posts by Member" and "find all threads started by Member." BoxinRotz has quite the backstory; you might find it informative to read.
Return to the original purpose of this thread...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I can tell you this Flower, when he tells me that I'm wasting time in this relationship by stepping away, I know he's not thinking about the 7 years he wasted getting to this point. Because that crap doesn't matter to him! He's only seeing what he wants to see and not taking on the responsibility of his actions that got us to this point. And he seems to forget telling me, very recently I may add, that me staying would not have changed his drinking because I became complacent and let me tell you, complacency kills! His bullcrap is killing me.
He's got me pretty damn hot right now telling me I'm wasting time when we could be so happy right now. *I know we don't have middle finger icons here and it's a shame because he deserves 2 of them*
He's got me pretty damn hot right now telling me I'm wasting time when we could be so happy right now. *I know we don't have middle finger icons here and it's a shame because he deserves 2 of them*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Just read 10 pages of My Husband was in a Motorcycle Accident.
Very, very sobering. The time I have put in for him to drink. The time I have lost for him to drink. Again... very, very sobering.
Very, very sobering. The time I have put in for him to drink. The time I have lost for him to drink. Again... very, very sobering.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Reading my old posts, looking at old pictures of the ex and I (him drunk and me pissed off), and listening to some of his drunken rants that I had recorded got me through a couple months of wanting to run straight back to him.
W. T. F?!
I'm glad you went back and read it - I also will never forget that thread of yours.
OH - a little over a year out of the whole mess....it felt pretty good for me to delete some of that stuff too. I just didn't need it anymore
W. T. F?!
I'm glad you went back and read it - I also will never forget that thread of yours.
OH - a little over a year out of the whole mess....it felt pretty good for me to delete some of that stuff too. I just didn't need it anymore
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