Stuck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by loonie2427 
I think he is trying to moderate now after relapsing after the 5 day sobriety, but he's drinking as much as often as before.I told him I understand slips happen, but if it's drinking several days in a row it is no longer a slip, it's a decision.
someone that was not drinking for 5 days then drank again didnt relapse. relapses happen after extended periods of sobriety and end with a drink.
slips happen on ice. the term is downplaying what really happened- a person chose to drink instead of fighting the craving or find solutions of the "trigger."
"slips" dont happen to people that are dedicated to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
One more thing, then I promise I will stop: your spouse feels that you are fixating on his drinking instead of working on fixing your relationship.
There is something dreadfully wrong with that thinking.
There is something dreadfully wrong with that thinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 49
I'm glad you found this place just i like recently have.... I literally read your post thinking "wow, did she steal part of my thread !" a lot of similarities, but obviously different.
I too have two very young children and am a SAHM. I have been dealing with this for quite some time but recently had a breakdown a week ago because I literally have no help with the children and cannot rely fully on my partner for anything involving my emotional and parental needs. educating my self on alcoholism has helped me a lot, just basically understanding I can do nothing to change him, I have tried everything. drug him to the VA, which didn't work, he got hammered and my mother had to pick him up from the bar the next night because we live so far.
Just like everyone else has stated, start working on yourself and give yourself a break from worrying about him, all it did was give me headache, tension, stress and anxiety..... please just take your time and start getting things in line for independence without him, because if it doesn't get better you will not be ready financially and mentally to leave and keep boundaries.
I wish the best for you and keep us posted.
I too have two very young children and am a SAHM. I have been dealing with this for quite some time but recently had a breakdown a week ago because I literally have no help with the children and cannot rely fully on my partner for anything involving my emotional and parental needs. educating my self on alcoholism has helped me a lot, just basically understanding I can do nothing to change him, I have tried everything. drug him to the VA, which didn't work, he got hammered and my mother had to pick him up from the bar the next night because we live so far.
Just like everyone else has stated, start working on yourself and give yourself a break from worrying about him, all it did was give me headache, tension, stress and anxiety..... please just take your time and start getting things in line for independence without him, because if it doesn't get better you will not be ready financially and mentally to leave and keep boundaries.
I wish the best for you and keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
I think where I'm at is less trying to control his drinking and more gauge whether it's time to pull the trigger to leave/ask him to leave. If he's committed to recovery but just stumbling a bit at the start, then I'll wait a while longer while focusing on me and the kids. If this is all a bunch of bs and more of the same, well then it's time to take action.
I really appreciate all of the support, especially as I start to mentally prepare for our counseling session tonight. I feel like it might be rough.
I really appreciate all of the support, especially as I start to mentally prepare for our counseling session tonight. I feel like it might be rough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
So minor updates I guess:
Drinking picked up right back where it was. A few days of not drinking here and there, but somehow expects that everything should be back to the old "normal" after that. Since it's not, he goes right back to it. Explains to me that he can't see a reason to not drink if our relationship isn't going to improve to his liking and actually had the nerve to set a deadline for everything for the end of the month.
Marriage counselor suggested he be evaluated for possible bipolar. I bet you all can guess how far he's gotten on that.
Almost drove under the influence with one of the kids again. Would have if I hadn't asked if had been drinking.
Asked me to be more "supportive," which I read to mean go back to more enabling ways. Sorry bucko, not happening.
Scheduled a consult with a lawyer for next week, so at least that's some movement, right? I've been focusing on me and the kids. I'm still struggling not to feel guilty not spending time with him at night, but I told him that I wasn't going to do that if he had been drinking. I haven't been posting much, but reading the threads have been a lifesaver and a sanity saver, so thank you all so much. I see so much of my situation in everyone else's, which is both reassuring and depressing. I just have to keep moving forward, even if it's slowly.
Drinking picked up right back where it was. A few days of not drinking here and there, but somehow expects that everything should be back to the old "normal" after that. Since it's not, he goes right back to it. Explains to me that he can't see a reason to not drink if our relationship isn't going to improve to his liking and actually had the nerve to set a deadline for everything for the end of the month.
Marriage counselor suggested he be evaluated for possible bipolar. I bet you all can guess how far he's gotten on that.
Almost drove under the influence with one of the kids again. Would have if I hadn't asked if had been drinking.
Asked me to be more "supportive," which I read to mean go back to more enabling ways. Sorry bucko, not happening.
Scheduled a consult with a lawyer for next week, so at least that's some movement, right? I've been focusing on me and the kids. I'm still struggling not to feel guilty not spending time with him at night, but I told him that I wasn't going to do that if he had been drinking. I haven't been posting much, but reading the threads have been a lifesaver and a sanity saver, so thank you all so much. I see so much of my situation in everyone else's, which is both reassuring and depressing. I just have to keep moving forward, even if it's slowly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sounds like your vision is improving w/each passing day, and you're seeing a lot more clearly now than even a few weeks ago. And as I've often heard here, once you've seen it, it is dang near impossible to un-see...
Good job w/the lawyer consult. I don't see any actual change on his part, so I think you're making the right moves.
SR was an absolute lifeline for me in the early days, and I still do some reading every single day unless I'm out of town, w/no computer access. There is so much to be learned and so much reinforcement of that new learning needed, at least for me!
Keep reading, keep posting when you can.
Good job w/the lawyer consult. I don't see any actual change on his part, so I think you're making the right moves.
SR was an absolute lifeline for me in the early days, and I still do some reading every single day unless I'm out of town, w/no computer access. There is so much to be learned and so much reinforcement of that new learning needed, at least for me!
Keep reading, keep posting when you can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, that's just classic alcoholic behavior right there. Finding a reason to drink AND blaming you simultaneously.
Perfect.
If he could figure a way to blame you, find a reason to drink that is all your fault, and be handed the keys to a liquor store, he would hit the alcohol trifecta!
Good idea to talk with an attorney. His thinking that he can drive impaired with kids in the car is dangerous.
Perfect.
If he could figure a way to blame you, find a reason to drink that is all your fault, and be handed the keys to a liquor store, he would hit the alcohol trifecta!
Good idea to talk with an attorney. His thinking that he can drive impaired with kids in the car is dangerous.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
He's driven with the kids in the past when I wasn't aware, and I told him that was my line in the sand. The fact that he would have driven if I didn't ask is almost like he stuck a toe over that line, but didn't take a full step.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by loonie2427
He's driven with the kids in the past when I wasn't aware, and I told him that was my line in the sand. The fact that he would have driven if I didn't ask is almost like he stuck a toe over that line, but didn't take a full step.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Scheduled a consult with a lawyer for next week, so at least that's some movement, right?
I'm still struggling not to feel guilty not spending time with him at night, but I told him that I wasn't going to do that if he had been drinking.
You are doing the right things - keep focused on you, and what's good for your life!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by firebolt
I hope you can let go of the guilt. Honestly, WHO wants to hang out with someone who's drunk?! It just isn't fun, it isn't a partner, it isn't supportive, it isn't a friend. It's just a drunk person wanting your company to feel good...even if it makes you feel bad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by loonie2427
He's driven with the kids in the past when I wasn't aware, and I told him that was my line in the sand. The fact that he would have driven if I didn't ask is almost like he stuck a toe over that line, but didn't take a full step.
I went from worrying that he might put Kid in danger of physical harm because of his drinking to knowing that he did put her at risk (and as a friend who's a social worker says, drunk driving incidents are like cockroaches - for every one you see, there are probably eight or ten you didn't see). I no longer believe co-parenting with ex can work and am taking legal steps to end it.
I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer. That doesn't mean you're committing to leaving right away, but knowledge is power and more knowledge will help you assess your options and make a plan.
Hang in there!
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