Button pushing, fight, apology
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Button pushing, fight, apology
I am wondering how common this is for alcoholics. I know they tend to have a lot of buried issues that come out with their addiction, but one thing I notice is the way the alcoholic in my life has a knack for pushing my buttons to validate his insecurity so that he can start a fight. Here is an example. I am currently interviewing for jobs as I have been out of work for a few months and desperate to get back. Things are finally starting to look up and people are wanting to meet with me.
Abf has been supportive and anxious for me too as he knows unemployment has been tough on me. Since he has returned yet again from detox, his insecurity has been in overdrive. it always is since the day I met him, but this time is really ramped up. This of course is to be expected as even an addict knows that the loved one will have hit their bottom some day. And I made it pretty clear I'm almost gone (ugh I know this is annoying to read....im working slowly). But in the last few days he has again been questioning my past and showing huge insecurities about other men. I was lucky enough to land an interview this week at a company I am really excited about. I can tell he is both happy for me but deep down dreading I get an offer because the place happens to be in a very glamorous building downtown. I can tell in his behavior and the way he keeps telling me he heard they have terrible reviews and they don't pay well, etc. etc but he is excited for me and hopes it works out.
So today I tell him I got the interview and he asks who I am interviewing with and do I know their name. I tell him I don't, which was true. I know he just wanted to google them. He then brings up something from my past. Before I met Abf, I had very briefly dated a man I once had a job interview with (though that isn't how we met, we met much later under different circumstances but at the interview is where I first met this man). So Abf proceeds to remind me that he is just curious who I'm meeting with because I have a history of being with men on job interviews (what??). He then takes it a step further and texts me an unflattering picture of the guy from my past saying he can't believe I found him attractive. I thought this was very out of line. I calmly explained to him that I was a single girl at the time and had every right to do what I wanted when I was single. Then he says "no you weren't, you were dating so and so long distance when you met this guy and found him attractive". Now he is trying to make me crazy because while that is true - I NEVER pursued the man after interview bc I was IAR. We did meet and connect several months later while I was single.
I stopped replying bc I recognized I was being pulled into the game, and I let him know that I'd rather not talk about my past as he constantly likes to talk details about my past and admitted that it's a bad habit and insecurity. (Little do these guys know how much air time they get in my life today lol). Anyway, he then called and profusely apologized admitting this was immature and bad old behavior and it was tacky, etc. I let him know he was right and that it was inappropriate. That if he wanted to think it, fine. But he has no business behaving that way to me. I think this scared him a little as I am so the girl who says "it's ok it's not your fault, Im the one who is sorry".
Glad I stood my ground. He then likes to play "poor me I can tell you don't want to talk to me today anymore. I will leave you alone".
Again, small steps....but I am definitely noticing my guilt is loosening up big time and I am starting to really stand up for myself now. No more feeling bad for things I have nothing to feel bad about.
Abf has been supportive and anxious for me too as he knows unemployment has been tough on me. Since he has returned yet again from detox, his insecurity has been in overdrive. it always is since the day I met him, but this time is really ramped up. This of course is to be expected as even an addict knows that the loved one will have hit their bottom some day. And I made it pretty clear I'm almost gone (ugh I know this is annoying to read....im working slowly). But in the last few days he has again been questioning my past and showing huge insecurities about other men. I was lucky enough to land an interview this week at a company I am really excited about. I can tell he is both happy for me but deep down dreading I get an offer because the place happens to be in a very glamorous building downtown. I can tell in his behavior and the way he keeps telling me he heard they have terrible reviews and they don't pay well, etc. etc but he is excited for me and hopes it works out.
So today I tell him I got the interview and he asks who I am interviewing with and do I know their name. I tell him I don't, which was true. I know he just wanted to google them. He then brings up something from my past. Before I met Abf, I had very briefly dated a man I once had a job interview with (though that isn't how we met, we met much later under different circumstances but at the interview is where I first met this man). So Abf proceeds to remind me that he is just curious who I'm meeting with because I have a history of being with men on job interviews (what??). He then takes it a step further and texts me an unflattering picture of the guy from my past saying he can't believe I found him attractive. I thought this was very out of line. I calmly explained to him that I was a single girl at the time and had every right to do what I wanted when I was single. Then he says "no you weren't, you were dating so and so long distance when you met this guy and found him attractive". Now he is trying to make me crazy because while that is true - I NEVER pursued the man after interview bc I was IAR. We did meet and connect several months later while I was single.
I stopped replying bc I recognized I was being pulled into the game, and I let him know that I'd rather not talk about my past as he constantly likes to talk details about my past and admitted that it's a bad habit and insecurity. (Little do these guys know how much air time they get in my life today lol). Anyway, he then called and profusely apologized admitting this was immature and bad old behavior and it was tacky, etc. I let him know he was right and that it was inappropriate. That if he wanted to think it, fine. But he has no business behaving that way to me. I think this scared him a little as I am so the girl who says "it's ok it's not your fault, Im the one who is sorry".
Glad I stood my ground. He then likes to play "poor me I can tell you don't want to talk to me today anymore. I will leave you alone".
Again, small steps....but I am definitely noticing my guilt is loosening up big time and I am starting to really stand up for myself now. No more feeling bad for things I have nothing to feel bad about.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think this guy is just an f'ing MESS and his behaviors can't simply written off as "what alcoholics do". but the longer you stick around after his endless rounds of bingeing and being dry, and the more you let him talk sh1t about things THAT ARE NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS, the more YOU feed his psyche. personally he is the last person you should be confiding in about this future you are trying to create without him.
and it would really behoove you to NOT have this drama chained to your ankle going forward to a new job!! you need to be you 100% and done with this pathetic whiny loser.
and it would really behoove you to NOT have this drama chained to your ankle going forward to a new job!! you need to be you 100% and done with this pathetic whiny loser.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Oh my gosh. The more you talk about your AB, I think, "Would he just please shut up?"
Why are you wasting your time listening to this guy? You could be listening to a podcast instead. My faves are Dear Sugar, Dear Prudence and The Moth.
Amen to that!
Why are you wasting your time listening to this guy? You could be listening to a podcast instead. My faves are Dear Sugar, Dear Prudence and The Moth.
No more feeling bad for things I have nothing to feel bad about.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Him wanting to google the person you are interviewing with is CREEPY!
And I don't know that this is true at all.... I think we bank on them hitting theirs, and they bank on us not having one. He might say "you are going to leave me, one day" but those are just words, and I could guess he KNOWS they make you feel guilty. Been there!
...and glad you held some ground!
This of course is to be expected as even an addict knows that the loved one will have hit their bottom some day.
...and glad you held some ground!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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By even communicating with him, you are setting yourself up again. You realize that, don't you? I'm with Anvil--this is the kind of guy who could cost you your job. I've seen it happens. He blows up your phone at work, distracts you from your job, maybe even shows up there, drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Smarie, I am proud of what you did. But you are still giving him to much "air" time. Don't engage with his BS talk. You waste your time and get up set. Press ignore and don't give him the opportunity to do this to you.
Keep trying to not engage; you are getting very wise to all his crap. You can do this!! Good luck and don't tell him anymore info on the job interview. You don't want him to sabotage it in anyway. He could start a big fight, put you in tears and blah blah. You are to upset to go.....
Tell him on a need to know basis, after the fact. Good luck my friend, you can do this and get the job!!
Keep trying to not engage; you are getting very wise to all his crap. You can do this!! Good luck and don't tell him anymore info on the job interview. You don't want him to sabotage it in anyway. He could start a big fight, put you in tears and blah blah. You are to upset to go.....
Tell him on a need to know basis, after the fact. Good luck my friend, you can do this and get the job!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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How many times has he cheated on you again?
AND he's still married...to another woman?
Yet you're standing there listening to THIS???
Girl, I can't any more with this. Good luck with your interview.
AND he's still married...to another woman?
Yet you're standing there listening to THIS???
Girl, I can't any more with this. Good luck with your interview.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Thank you for the insight. And you're right, I think this is more to do with mental health than addiction. Today he started up yet again hanging on to every word I said and interpreting it to something else. He assumed we were getting together today when we never made plans, (though he swears we did) so when he questioned and said "why do you have plans?" And I said "no, so today is fine!" He somehow interpreted me saying "fine" as me not really caring if I saw him today. I guess I didn't show enough enthusiasm for him. Not to mention, when I suggested the time of 6pm because I had to get to the gym that too was met with "I was going to come over after work and now your going to the gym first so nevermind we won't hang out tonight". It's really to the point of literally like I am talking to a child.
It's as though if I don't treat him as prioritized, he somehow believe it means I don't care. That if I am not racing to see him the minute he is off of work and instead squeeze in the gym first I don't want to see him that bad (even when I offer him a free pass to join me). If I make plans in the week with other people, to him I am just "fitting him into my life" per his words which is welll....normal! Right??! I mean, isn't that how we balance life by squeezing people into it around everything else? Do you think my parents get angry when I "fit them in" to my Sunday?
Ok rant over...I'm starting to feel like even when he is dry he is not always so pleasant. He apologizes afterward but the behavior is really innappropriate that sometimes even when he acknowledges his poor behavior and apologizes it doesn't exactly make you want to jump for joy.
It's as though if I don't treat him as prioritized, he somehow believe it means I don't care. That if I am not racing to see him the minute he is off of work and instead squeeze in the gym first I don't want to see him that bad (even when I offer him a free pass to join me). If I make plans in the week with other people, to him I am just "fitting him into my life" per his words which is welll....normal! Right??! I mean, isn't that how we balance life by squeezing people into it around everything else? Do you think my parents get angry when I "fit them in" to my Sunday?
Ok rant over...I'm starting to feel like even when he is dry he is not always so pleasant. He apologizes afterward but the behavior is really innappropriate that sometimes even when he acknowledges his poor behavior and apologizes it doesn't exactly make you want to jump for joy.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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People with major insecurity do not make good relationship material, whether there is addiction present or not. Nothing will ever be enough from you until he believes he is good enough for himself .
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This stopped being about him, his alcoholism and mental health issues a long time ago. This is all about you and your issues.
What have you done to truly work on those? He went to detox what did you do? Therapy? Counseling? al-anon meetings? step work? Maybe it's time to step up what ever it is you have done to address those issues or at least begin to truly address them.
What have you done to truly work on those? He went to detox what did you do? Therapy? Counseling? al-anon meetings? step work? Maybe it's time to step up what ever it is you have done to address those issues or at least begin to truly address them.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
By even communicating with him, you are setting yourself up again. You realize that, don't you? I'm with Anvil--this is the kind of guy who could cost you your job. I've seen it happens. He blows up your phone at work, distracts you from your job, maybe even shows up there, drunk.
Good luck on your interview. If you're still communicating with your abf PLEASE do not give him any info whatsoever about what, where, when, who - anything. He is toxic.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Smarie, could you explain why you don't want to cut the cord? Why is it so important to you to take small steps? Why don't you want a healthy, thriving relationship with someone else? You know in your heart that being with him doesn't do you or him any good.
All your doing right now is pulling off the band-aid SLOWWLY and I can tell you all that accomplishes is prolonging the pain for you AND HIM. Let him know that you've moved on and stop making him guess what your intentions are. Stop stringing him along because you are afraid to let go.
My ex-fiance dumped me, and as much as it hurt if I saw him today I would almost get down on my HANDS AND KNEES and thank him for what he did. Because he let me go, I was able to find a healthy, happy relationship with a fantastic guy. I'm certain that he was afraid of my reaction. I'm certain that he was afraid that I would turn suicidal because of my past history. I know my parents and family certainly were. But you know what, he did what he had to do.
Do you really want to hitch your wagon to a still-married, unstable guy who pretty much left his son to the curb? Why is he so obsessed over your interview? Why can't he worry about his child instead? Maybe you like the fact that he pays more attention to you than he does to his son. Maybe you feel left out and put behind and this is the only way that you can gain attention. Maybe you think any attention is good attention so you'll take what you can get. Come on Smarie, you KNOW you're better than that.
You can inch your way towards the end of the diving board, but you haven't jumped until you actually have.
All your doing right now is pulling off the band-aid SLOWWLY and I can tell you all that accomplishes is prolonging the pain for you AND HIM. Let him know that you've moved on and stop making him guess what your intentions are. Stop stringing him along because you are afraid to let go.
My ex-fiance dumped me, and as much as it hurt if I saw him today I would almost get down on my HANDS AND KNEES and thank him for what he did. Because he let me go, I was able to find a healthy, happy relationship with a fantastic guy. I'm certain that he was afraid of my reaction. I'm certain that he was afraid that I would turn suicidal because of my past history. I know my parents and family certainly were. But you know what, he did what he had to do.
Do you really want to hitch your wagon to a still-married, unstable guy who pretty much left his son to the curb? Why is he so obsessed over your interview? Why can't he worry about his child instead? Maybe you like the fact that he pays more attention to you than he does to his son. Maybe you feel left out and put behind and this is the only way that you can gain attention. Maybe you think any attention is good attention so you'll take what you can get. Come on Smarie, you KNOW you're better than that.
You can inch your way towards the end of the diving board, but you haven't jumped until you actually have.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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two weeks ago it was all about wondering whether he was dead or alive. you had predicted this would happen in a post prior to it. you claimed that your only concern was HIS well being....that none of the rest of it mattered, and you went so far as to send him a photo of his own son, hoping to force a Come to Jesus moment. hoping he'd come around for his SON.
and now, here you are..........still actively engaging with this same man. embroidering him into the fabric of YOUR life. no longer the bastion of The Righteous, call off the hounds, and lets go back to analyzing HIM and HIS faults TO DEATH.
you CRAVE his attention. his "obsession". his insecurity. it gives you a twisted sense of power. you won't make a clean break, because you still want your fix. all that "honorable" talk about his son and blah blah blah...........
and now, here you are..........still actively engaging with this same man. embroidering him into the fabric of YOUR life. no longer the bastion of The Righteous, call off the hounds, and lets go back to analyzing HIM and HIS faults TO DEATH.
you CRAVE his attention. his "obsession". his insecurity. it gives you a twisted sense of power. you won't make a clean break, because you still want your fix. all that "honorable" talk about his son and blah blah blah...........
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Smarie...I do see you making progress in detaching from him....and, make no mistake...they really, really take notice when we start to detach....
And, can you really blame him? I am sure that he is not stupid.....he can feel the detachment.....After all, he has been getting the Full Monty C0-dependency treatment from you....you did run to every beck and call.....so, naturally, he still expects it....
This is what you have to do to save yourself....
He will have to face life on life's terms....and, reality is a real *itch.....
And, can you really blame him? I am sure that he is not stupid.....he can feel the detachment.....After all, he has been getting the Full Monty C0-dependency treatment from you....you did run to every beck and call.....so, naturally, he still expects it....
This is what you have to do to save yourself....
He will have to face life on life's terms....and, reality is a real *itch.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
If I make plans in the week with other people, to him I am just "fitting him into my life" per his words which is welll....normal! Right??! I mean, isn't that how we balance life by squeezing people into it around everything else? Do you think my parents get angry when I "fit them in" to my Sunday?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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I know for some it seems I love the attention and obsession and there is really no point in me explaining once again that I don't. I know I have my other issues in not cutting the cord completely, but none of them are what is being assumed which is that I'd rather the attention be put on me and not his sobriety or yes, his son. I want nothing more. And there is no Freudian idea going on that "oh but secretly in your subconscious you do". No, I actually don't. But I'm not here to convince anyone of anything.
This is my journey and I am working through it as best as I can. I go to therapy, Alanon, read, build boundaries - all things I was paralyzed to do just a few months ago (boundaries).
Posting has become somewhat of a journal for me and you definitely do not need to reply as though I am asking the same questions or scratching my head on what to do. I am working the best way I can. I'm not there yet. But I'm better than where I was and that works for me today.
This is my journey and I am working through it as best as I can. I go to therapy, Alanon, read, build boundaries - all things I was paralyzed to do just a few months ago (boundaries).
Posting has become somewhat of a journal for me and you definitely do not need to reply as though I am asking the same questions or scratching my head on what to do. I am working the best way I can. I'm not there yet. But I'm better than where I was and that works for me today.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Smarie, every time I see a new thread from you, I hope this is the time I will
read that you have finally chosen to disengage from this train wreck.
It takes 2 to tango and you are still deep in this tango.
I hope you take some time to really ponder the amazing words of wisdom that your threads generate.
read that you have finally chosen to disengage from this train wreck.
It takes 2 to tango and you are still deep in this tango.
I hope you take some time to really ponder the amazing words of wisdom that your threads generate.
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