Needy men
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Needy men
I'm surrounded by them!
1) BIL: his mother treated him like a baby since he was 3 when she became a very premature widow. He is now living with us because his mother paid for everything when she was alive and since she's been dead he's blown through her small inheritance and wasted a chance to live in the house next door to us, which I bought for her. He likes to talk to me because I'm "positive"
2) DB: my brother who did SO well for the past 8 months sober at a VA facility. He's been alcoholic since he was 13. But I posted fairly recently about his success staying sober, but he fell off the wagon, posting pictures on FB with him with a martini in his hand. He likes to talk to me because I'm "encouraging"
3) AH, the neediest of them all: He is a narcissist, and he succeeded for many years, as many of them do. Of course, his success was on the back of my compliance with loans that neither he nor I could afford. My bad on that. Lately, now that he's at almost rock bottom, he is clinging to me and at the same time, slaying me with his anger. I am the last vestige of his previous life. And he's not a happy man.
Yesterday, he was screaming at me going through a toll booth at rush hour in NJ. Anyone ever been there? Anything you can do about it? I don't think so. But he was screaming at me that people were "laughing at me" because I let them in front of me (merging is an acceptable protocol in high traffic situations). I kept my cool beautifully.
Today I asked him to call the insurance company to correct a billing mistake (since I'm Medicare eligible and he's the only person left on the billing, he was the right person to talk to customer service.)
He couldn't do it, so I did it.. is that enabling? I'm just trying to make sure I don't have to pay double this month. When they asked me to get confirmation from him that it was OK for me to discuss the case with them, he flew off the handle on the phone. "Why do you always DO this to me?????" What? Ask you to do ONE THING while I'm working?
I have found a potential house up in VT and I'm working on getting it. But what is it about these MEN?
ETA: OR... what is it about ME?
1) BIL: his mother treated him like a baby since he was 3 when she became a very premature widow. He is now living with us because his mother paid for everything when she was alive and since she's been dead he's blown through her small inheritance and wasted a chance to live in the house next door to us, which I bought for her. He likes to talk to me because I'm "positive"
2) DB: my brother who did SO well for the past 8 months sober at a VA facility. He's been alcoholic since he was 13. But I posted fairly recently about his success staying sober, but he fell off the wagon, posting pictures on FB with him with a martini in his hand. He likes to talk to me because I'm "encouraging"
3) AH, the neediest of them all: He is a narcissist, and he succeeded for many years, as many of them do. Of course, his success was on the back of my compliance with loans that neither he nor I could afford. My bad on that. Lately, now that he's at almost rock bottom, he is clinging to me and at the same time, slaying me with his anger. I am the last vestige of his previous life. And he's not a happy man.
Yesterday, he was screaming at me going through a toll booth at rush hour in NJ. Anyone ever been there? Anything you can do about it? I don't think so. But he was screaming at me that people were "laughing at me" because I let them in front of me (merging is an acceptable protocol in high traffic situations). I kept my cool beautifully.
Today I asked him to call the insurance company to correct a billing mistake (since I'm Medicare eligible and he's the only person left on the billing, he was the right person to talk to customer service.)
He couldn't do it, so I did it.. is that enabling? I'm just trying to make sure I don't have to pay double this month. When they asked me to get confirmation from him that it was OK for me to discuss the case with them, he flew off the handle on the phone. "Why do you always DO this to me?????" What? Ask you to do ONE THING while I'm working?
I have found a potential house up in VT and I'm working on getting it. But what is it about these MEN?
ETA: OR... what is it about ME?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
SoloMio, my alcohol-dependent sib cannot do the smallest thing. Everything is a big deal.
I despair sometimes. His disease is kicking his a**, and it just ain't pretty.
Hang in there. On to Vermont!
I despair sometimes. His disease is kicking his a**, and it just ain't pretty.
Hang in there. On to Vermont!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Vermont is LOVELY. I've done a few trainings there--flying into the teensy Burlington airport and driving up to Killington. I don't know if I'd want to deal with winter in NE, but when one lives in a snowy area one gets accustomed. I lived in Colorado for years but every time it snows in NJ you'd think, based on how everyone reacts, that they'd never seen a snowflake before--that it was some rare occurrence like Haley's Comet.
I hope you're able to get some peace, and soon. Getting screamed at on the Turnpike (or Parkway or whatever) is no way to live.
I hope you're able to get some peace, and soon. Getting screamed at on the Turnpike (or Parkway or whatever) is no way to live.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Vermont is LOVELY. I've done a few trainings there--flying into the teensy Burlington airport and driving up to Killington. I don't know if I'd want to deal with winter in NE, but when one lives in a snowy area one gets accustomed. I lived in Colorado for years but every time it snows in NJ you'd think, based on how everyone reacts, that they'd never seen a snowflake before--that it was some rare occurrence like Haley's Comet.
I hope you're able to get some peace, and soon. Getting screamed at on the Turnpike (or Parkway or whatever) is no way to live.
I hope you're able to get some peace, and soon. Getting screamed at on the Turnpike (or Parkway or whatever) is no way to live.
I know the Fates will decide what's best for me, but I hope they decide on this little house!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I remember one trip from Boston to Burlington where the plane was so tiny I could have reached over the pilot's shoulder and flown the plane (or, more likely, crashed it). When it was time to come home, the winds were so bad I was relieved when they kept postponing the flight till conditions improved, but eventually they wound up piling us in a van and driving us to Boston!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I remember one trip from Boston to Burlington where the plane was so tiny I could have reached over the pilot's shoulder and flown the plane (or, more likely, crashed it). When it was time to come home, the winds were so bad I was relieved when they kept postponing the flight till conditions improved, but eventually they wound up piling us in a van and driving us to Boston!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Have you ever thought that perhaps you need to make changes in who you let drain your life resources.
I was the first in my family to cut ties with my forever problematic brother. Finally 4 years my mother, followed suit everyone else had already. And for many years I was made out to be impatient, cold hearted etc. So I easily distanced myself from that. When it came full circle, everyone now says I did the right thing so long ago.
Bottom line: We can choose who we want to be around. I don't care what aspects of family is involved.
When my EXAGF started to make me regret being with her, you get them out of your life. We can control our own happiness.
I was the first in my family to cut ties with my forever problematic brother. Finally 4 years my mother, followed suit everyone else had already. And for many years I was made out to be impatient, cold hearted etc. So I easily distanced myself from that. When it came full circle, everyone now says I did the right thing so long ago.
Bottom line: We can choose who we want to be around. I don't care what aspects of family is involved.
When my EXAGF started to make me regret being with her, you get them out of your life. We can control our own happiness.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Have you ever thought that perhaps you need to make changes in who you let drain your life resources.
I was the first in my family to cut ties with my forever problematic brother. Finally 4 years my mother, followed suit everyone else had already. And for many years I was made out to be impatient, cold hearted etc. So I easily distanced myself from that. When it came full circle, everyone now says I did the right thing so long ago.
Bottom line: We can choose who we want to be around. I don't care what aspects of family is involved.
When my EXAGF started to make me regret being with her, you get them out of your life. We can control our own happiness.
I was the first in my family to cut ties with my forever problematic brother. Finally 4 years my mother, followed suit everyone else had already. And for many years I was made out to be impatient, cold hearted etc. So I easily distanced myself from that. When it came full circle, everyone now says I did the right thing so long ago.
Bottom line: We can choose who we want to be around. I don't care what aspects of family is involved.
When my EXAGF started to make me regret being with her, you get them out of your life. We can control our own happiness.
My family is the definition of emotionally unstable and needy. I limit my contact because I realized I became everyone's therapist and the relationships are terribly onesided. When I needed help they were supportive but they lacked the ability to really understand what I needed. They couldn't give what they didn't have. You can choose who you're around. IF someone doesn't enhance your life you really don't need to be around them.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Bottom line: We can choose who we want to be around. I don't care what aspects of family is involved.
DNA does not create automatic obligation in my world either, I won't be sucked dry by emotional vampires. People don't always understand my POV, but they don't have to for it to be valid & true for me.
I listened to an amazing interview yesterday with Christiane Northrup, MD that was all about avoiding emotional vampires & how to recognize them; it was really great. (If any of you registered for that Hay House Summit going on now, it was part of those sessions.)
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Ap052183
This!
My family is the definition of emotionally unstable and needy. I limit my contact because I realized I became everyone's therapist and the relationships are terribly onesided. When I needed help they were supportive but they lacked the ability to really understand what I needed. They couldn't give what they didn't have. You can choose who you're around. IF someone doesn't enhance your life you really don't need to be around them.
My family is the definition of emotionally unstable and needy. I limit my contact because I realized I became everyone's therapist and the relationships are terribly onesided. When I needed help they were supportive but they lacked the ability to really understand what I needed. They couldn't give what they didn't have. You can choose who you're around. IF someone doesn't enhance your life you really don't need to be around them.
We didn't talk much for about 5 years. I lived my life just fine. Meanwhile my brother drained her. He was a consummate con man and manipulator. Mom wore her rose colored glasses. Moms love their children in whatever way they need to. I get that.
Then when my dad died, and my brother became abusive towards her, she FINALLY saw the light.
He finally had noone left in the family to drain. He had no more friends. An 3 ex wives. His kids no longer spoke to him. My mom hasn't spoken to him in 6 years now. She is the happiest she has ever been since I've been around her.
These choices aren't always easy, but you are your own ship's captain. Someone once put it in perspective pretty good. If you're on the Titanic, and all you do is move deck furniture around, there will be no life jackets left by the time you finally see its gonna sink. No matter how the deck furniture looks.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
And let me add another aspect to this. My XAGF hated that I knew how to cook, clean, take care of myself, and was doing so before we met. It was a bone of contention for us at the start. So I finally relaxed and let her start doing for me. In her mind it showed I needed and wanted her more.
I learned it was also a way for her to have some control over a lot more than you plan. When it was time for her to go, her story to everyone was, look what I did...I did everything for him. And this is how he treated me. He throws me out. Easily making me look like a bastard. They always saw that she took care of my every need. They never heard the history or reason. So again it was a form of manipulation and control. Those effin men are the pigs..........
So if you get used to doing it all for them, and they get used to letting you........then don't be upset if they go "Why are you making me do all of this now.?" You've kind of set your own standard for disaster by allowing them to become used to being needy.
I learned it was also a way for her to have some control over a lot more than you plan. When it was time for her to go, her story to everyone was, look what I did...I did everything for him. And this is how he treated me. He throws me out. Easily making me look like a bastard. They always saw that she took care of my every need. They never heard the history or reason. So again it was a form of manipulation and control. Those effin men are the pigs..........
So if you get used to doing it all for them, and they get used to letting you........then don't be upset if they go "Why are you making me do all of this now.?" You've kind of set your own standard for disaster by allowing them to become used to being needy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
When it was time for her to go, her story to everyone was, look what I did...I did everything for him. And this is how he treated me. He throws me out. Easily making me look like a bastard. They always saw that she took care of my every need. They never heard the history or reason. So again it was a form of manipulation and control.
So, SO thankful for some recovery and helping me see that some of it was coming from a place of manipulation and control...and a way to make myself feel needed.
ETA: OR... what is it about ME?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I WISH I could cut ties with the alcoholic sib in my life. He lives with my mother, who is almost 92 and needs daily help.
He is there infesting the place every day.
When my mom passes or goes into care, he is in my rear view mirror.
He is there infesting the place every day.
When my mom passes or goes into care, he is in my rear view mirror.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I WISH I could cut ties with the alcoholic sib in my life. He lives with my mother, who is almost 92 and needs daily help.
He is there infesting the place every day.
When my mom passes or goes into care, he is in my rear view mirror.
He is there infesting the place every day.
When my mom passes or goes into care, he is in my rear view mirror.
I say throw the crap away. All it does is allow him to keep some of your energy.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Yah. My sib moving out of the country is one of my fondest wishes.
Not gonna happen, but I can dream.
And, speaking of crap, along with all of his other charming qualities, he's a hoarder.
The garage is full of his junk.
I found out the other day by accident that he cuts his own hair because, as he told mom, "he doesn't have any money."
Which is a lie.
He lives like a homeless person, but he isn't homeless.
Not yet.
Not gonna happen, but I can dream.
And, speaking of crap, along with all of his other charming qualities, he's a hoarder.
The garage is full of his junk.
I found out the other day by accident that he cuts his own hair because, as he told mom, "he doesn't have any money."
Which is a lie.
He lives like a homeless person, but he isn't homeless.
Not yet.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by firebolt
What we allow is what will continue and we can change it at any time!
True freedom for me is knowing that I don't have to cut off every single person who feels problematic for me. I have many, many options now instead of two limiting extremes of "fix it" or "throw the bum out." I can change my perspective and my thoughts at any time and by so doing, I can change my experience of people, especially the problematic ones. There are many more options besides either suffering in silence or cutting people off. I can chose to focus on all the negatives about someone or I can choose to focus on what feels better for me. Nobody is all good or all bad - and I don't even think there is such a thing as a "needy person." Our response to people, what we bring to the situation emotionally, is what determines our experience with them. Awareness of my emotional choices is true freedom and health, to me.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I listened to an amazing interview yesterday with Christiane Northrup, MD that was all about avoiding emotional vampires & how to recognize them; it was really great. (If any of you registered for that Hay House Summit going on now, it was part of those sessions.)
I agree with everyone who said that I don't have to sign up for the negative vibe. This audio now is talking about "rescue addiction" and how real love transcends the need to save people. Really good stuff!
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