Maudcat

Hi, DRC. My opinion? Your spouse's not drinking and attending AA meetings is straight out of the alcoholic's playbook.
He is seeing his cozy little drinking nest going away fast and doing just enough so you will cave and call off the separation.
Classic.

SparkleKitty

If he is truly committed to quitting, he will do it regardless of what you do or don't do, say or don't say.

firebolt

There is nothing that says you can't divorce and remarry - it happens!

At this point, if a year or 2 from now he is still in recovery, and still doing all those things, and if you still love him, GREAT!

If not, you are covered - you followed through and took care of yourself - you have a peaceful home sooner rather than later.

LexieCat

You're not divorcing him as "punishment"--you are doing it because of the effects his drinking has had on you and how you feel about him. Stay the course. More will be revealed. You can always change the course later if circumstances warrant.

Sasha1972

It would be great if this time sobriety really sticks and he stops drinking for the long term. But that doesn't take away any of the very good reasons you have for divorcing him now. Go back and read the complaint that you gave to your lawyer and remind yourself that this is the same person. Marriage to you isn't a reward that he gets for agreeing to stop drinking, and you're not being unfair.

Ariesagain

Twelve days is nothing. And if he's only doing this because there's a proverbial gun to his head, if you back down, every time you two have an argument (and you will) it will be an excuse to drink.

Go with the statistics and march on. Maybe he's really going to get it this time and you can revisit the relationship after he's been sober a year.

Sending you a hug.

Dontreallycare

That's what I need to keep reminding myself. It's not the person he is today that I'm needing to get away from, it's the person he has been. Funny thing. Yesterday, he made a comment about how I'm now seeing the real him. I told him that he's been drinking since we met and that I don't know the real him. He replied that I do know the real him and that it's just him without the drinking. I didn't say anything, but I thought to myself "then it's the real you that has done all those things to me, and would have whether you were drinking or not.".

Dontreallycare

You're right. I need to remember every other time he's done this.

tomsteve

welp, heres my little opinion on the "youre seeing the real me", and this is coming from someone whose fiance tossed his ass to the curb becuase of my drunking,self centered, selfish, manipulative BS:
10 ish days into recovery,youre seeing the real him- at this moment. youre seeing someone who doesnt even know who or what he is.
if i would have been asked 10 ish days in who i was, the answer would have been,"other than a POS that doesnt like himself, i have no clue."
but that would be because i got honest about wanting to change and i had no clue who or what the real me was.
OTOH, if i was only stopping drinking, like quite a few times before, to get my fiance off my back, if asked,"who i was, i prolly would have said something completely selfish and self centered- boost myself up and make me look gooooood! make me sound like a man!

ya know what me without the drinking is?
a dry drunk- still acting and thinking like i did without the alcohol.a manipulating liar. then comes the time i dont get my way, get angry, get drunk, and blame anyone i can.
OTOH
the me that put in the footwork to recover from alcoholism- to change who i am- the me without drinking is nothing like the man i was.
HOWEVER
that would not have been noticed for quite some time. it took many,many months of working on me before the change was seen and not just heard.

hopeful4

Oh honey. Eventually he will see that you are not backing down, and his attitude will change. Promise.

I hate it, but that always happens. When they see they cannot immediately fix it, things get ugly.

Hugs. Keep taking care of YOU!

Dontreallycare

Well, the papers are signed. He should be served some time in the next 2-5 business days. In some ways, if he says that he might as well not bother with recovery, that will certainly affirm that I made the right decision. If he says he won't give up recovery, then maybe, in a year, things may work out. Time will tell.

FeelingGreat

I know this is said all the time, but it's true; recovery will depend on how he feels about himself and his life. That would include you of course, but it's primarily about whether he has a strong desire to be a better person.

firebolt

I think you have the right attitude - plus who knows where YOU will be a year on the other side of this. I hope you have peace with your decision. We tend to err on the side of guilt, and you have NOTHING to feel guilty for. I don't think the Pope would try as hard as we do!!