Ariesagain

You don't need to hate him, but you do need not to sacrifice your interests or those of your kids.

My guess is he's got someone new lined up. That often seems to cause all kinds of brain damage and ethics erosion, especially if the new one is expensive to maintain.

So protect your interests...there are some situations where being nice just hurts you in the long run and divorce can be one of them.

Sending you a hug.

theuncertainty

I had a hard time with that class as well. My situation was a bit different, so for me, it felt very much like it was reinforcing what AXH was telling me all the time, that I was a horrible mom because I wasn't staying with him (which would have mean that I had to keep taking all nasty things he threw my way).

But. The class is done. You listened to and heard it's message - which is not something that all attendees do. AXH didn't even bother to take the class.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. Sending hugs if OK.

Artie1212

Hello, all. I have been reading tons here, still, but I'm feeling really mixed up with what's going on in my life. He's been totally changing his attitude lately, really affectionate and reaching out a ton, and even asked me to go back to the marriage counselor... which didn't go well. But i'm still feeling like he's not taking responsibility for what went wrong, or what would need to change. He says the dating site was because i'd damaged his self esteem so much by the lawyer I hired (an old friend who apparently used to have feelings for me.... ten years ago) and the fact that I issued an ultimatum and filed for divorce in the first place. That I didn't give him enough time to show that he'd changed, though it seemed like nothing had, and he wouldn't commit to more time with me and the kids. I feel like it's just making it all the more painful-- that he wishes it would work, but won't change what he's doing. Someone tell me it's normal to feel like I jumped ship too soon, even though I know that what he wants to give are not what the kids and I need to receive, and that it's normal to expect your partner to really be there.

SparkleKitty

Sounds like all he is doing is blaming everything on you. It is normal to have doubts, but when they are only based on what someone says rather than what they DO, you have to take those doubts with a grain of salt.

atalose

You keep using the word “normal” is it normal to feel ambivalent about ending a relationship, is it normal to want your partner to be present and involved with the relationship and the answer to both of those is YES.

What is not normal is domestic violence, cheating, being on dating sites while married, willful departing from you and the kids by keeping a busy schedule, beginning a new relationship with someone else while still married, cutting off finances to the family, cutting off your cell phone, using his own cell phone to attempt to humiliate you when you were in tears and most vulnerable.

And his manipulation continues with a changed attitude being affectionate and doing the things you’ve been asking him to do for years he’s even throwing in the “I’ll go to marriage counseling thing”. YET in spite of all of these things you want to see as positive and good he’s still blaming you for all of HIS faults. I mean come on, it’s your fault HE was on a dating site!!! Really? So disrespectful to you to think you would even buy into any of that crap.

He’s like most, he’s doing some things in order to manipulate you into not
following through with the divorce. He’s using your own vulnerability against you in order to manipulate you so that he gets his own way and remains in control of everything.

How are your al-anon meetings going?

Artie1212

Thank you, that's exactly what I think I needed to hear. The alanon meetings I found are a couple times a week on my lunch breaks, so i haven't been able to go as much as I'd like, since i've been using up a lot of lunch breaks running errands and stuff for the kids, and going to my own therapy appointments. I've been trying to supplement them with my alanon literature, and reading a lot here. But I guess it feels like the "terminal uniqueness" I see mentioned here so often-- I worry that maybe I'm the one who actually got it all wrong, even though I see him doing things that so many others seem to do too.

FallenAngelina

Artie, what do you mean by "got it all wrong?"

schnappi99

I think he discovered the seeking "freedom" outside the marriage and kids didn't pan out as much as he would have liked and he's trying to weasel his way back in.

I sounds like he's giving you the carrot & stick, keep you on the hook but still all about his own selfishness. I say that because I have acted similarly towards my wife; emotionally confusing her and still all about what I want. Or it might be something else... either way I think if you allow him back in the confusion and hurt will only increase.

OTOH if he showed up to ask how he could help support the kids and be of service in whatever way is helpful, not to ask anything more of you or impose judgements on your behavior, that would be recovery.

Artie1212

Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought, or something? I guess just because it seems so impossible that the two of us can see the same situation so differently, and that he seems to assign me so much blame. It makes me question my own reality, I suppose.

Artie1212

I think, really, it feels exactly like what you're describing. He's acting like we are still together at times, but isn't actually willing to change anything he's doing. Honestly, he's seeing the kids more now than he has in a long time, because it's summer time and he doesn't have as much going on as a teacher (though he still has coaching duties daily, but in the middle of the day when the kids are at daycare). But I know that in the fall it'll be right back to the same stuff, where he has so much going on, we're really just an afterthought.
Thank you for your insight.

LexieCat

It's not "impossible" at all. If you read around this forum, virtually every single person has the exact same experience. The alcoholic NEVER sees the same situation the way others do. They are all about any problems being someone/something else's fault, and if you are seeing the DRINKING as the problem, well, you're just plain crazy.

So if you're looking for a reality check, I'd suggest looking here rather than at the guy with the tinfoil hat.