Artie1212

And yes. The commitment is stupid. He became a high school teacher recently. And a football coach, which is a time vampire year round commitment. And then also picked up the golf team. He loves hearing everyone tell him how wonderful he is for being a father figure to these kids. But won't be one to his own. I just couldn't carry all the weight of the family anymore while he either wasn't home, or napped on the couch. It seems so silly, but it was just the straw that broke the camel's back I suppose. I couldn't listen to my sons ask where he was every night anymore. My five year old, who knows I have a job and a boss, asked me once why daddy wanted to be a teacher and coach. I said well everyone has to do something, I suppose. That's what he chose. He asked, doesn't he want to be a daddy? I was confused by the correlation, and asked him what he thought my job was. He just said "to be a mommy. " and that was it.

LexieCat

OK, good, I was just wondering how that all transpired. Sounds like a whole lot of posturing for the sake of negotiations. Your lawyer isn't buying it, and none of that will amount to a hill of beans if the case goes to court. Now that you know what you're dealing with, though, I'd avoid ANY direct contact. Assume that any conversations you have with him may be recorded, emails saved, etc. (Note that recording without someone's knowledge isn't legal everywhere, so don't try it yourself unless your lawyer tells you it's OK). Let your lawyer do the defending. If he contacts you directly, tell him you have nothing to say to him, have his lawyer call your lawyer. It's actually one of the best things about having a lawyer--you have a buffer between you.

Artie1212

Thank you. I just didn't know if this was common alcoholic denial stuff or what. I don't even know this person. It's just bizarre.
The whole questioning reality thing is strong here.
He's even tried recording me. I was sitting in the porch, having a glass of wine and enjoying the birds the other night after the kids were in bed. He rolls in long after I'm in bed usually so I wasn't expecting him. Started off nice, chatting about his day, and then launched into attacking me. When I was upset, I was crying, asking for just a bit of empathy and to not come in tearing me down, he pulled out his phone and started recording me. I was so shocked. I've never even heard of such a thing before. It's just all around unhealthy.

LexieCat

I don't know that it's "common alcoholic denial stuff" but he's certainly manipulating, or trying to. I wouldn't trust him at this point on anything.

And it's interesting that I was right about the recording. I just had a feeling.

I'd go completely no contact if I were you.

HoldOnLoosely

This. My husband hired an aggressive lawyer. I think he recorded some conversations too (gut instinct) and he definitely saved e-mail messages and text messages between the two of us (my daughter found pictures of text messages in his photos on his iPhone).

I think about everything I say when I'm in a conversation with him...and his iPhone is present. I glance at his iPhone and I think to myself...don't say anything...listen...and comment only here and there. I try to remember to stay calm and choose my words carefully. I don't need my words twisted or my tone of voice questioned. I definitely stumbled early on though.

PuzzledHeart

Oh my gosh. What a creep.

Just to play it safe, I would make sure that he didn't put a VAR (voice activated recorder) underneath your car seat.

One nagging question: he's been hired as a HS School teacher and he has a DV charge? Wow.

Artie1212

Yup. It happened this past thanksgiving break. We bonded him out in time to be at school Monday morning. Hr just wanted to know about it in case any parents or students found out. He's doing a pretrial diversion program, so if he does that successfully, it won't be on his record. It didn't involve children, though, so maybe that's why?

Artie1212

I'm back. And having a rough time. Why is this so hard?
I don't know how I still feel this way when I have so many people telling me I made the right choice. Somehow, the person's opinion who still matters to me most is his.
I went to an Alanon meeting on my lunch today.
The irony is that I'm searching for peace. Frantically. Which I know will never work.
But I can't help thinking that I'm not good enough, and if I could've been, he could've loved me enough to want this to work.
Pathetic.

honeypig

But you CAN help thinking this. Absolutely. Every time that thought creeps into your mind, chase it out w/something that you find tremendously positive and inspiring. A member posted the other day about how, when she felt afraid, she'd watch a certain clip from one of the "Lord of the Rings" movies and it would bolster her courage.

We say this here a lot, and it is true: Healing takes time, and TIME takes time. Getting out of a relationship/marriage w/an A is not like getting a splinter out of your finger, where relief is immediate. Well, in some ways it is, or can be, but the PEACE you're looking for will take time to grow. And you're right, frantically chasing it will not help it come faster. Have patience w/yourself. Take good care of yourself physically. Read or listen to inspiring things, things that make you feel good. Wear clothes that you love. Look at beauty.

And little by little, peace and joy will come flowing to you. Take it easy. One day at a time.

PuzzledHeart

Artie,

My sister has battled some sort of drug/alcohol problem for decades now. I often wonder if she has some sort of personality disorder to boot.

I used to take it so personally. She left the family high and dry when both my parents got cancer, and replied to me "I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh" when my mom was taken to the ER. She left me to take care of my parents, but she pretty much goes out and volunteers to help at anything when she has an audience to feed her ego kibbles. So when you posted...

I just shook my head in disagreement. It's what he needs to feel validated, but there are PLENTY of things he can do to build his self-esteem without sacrificing your marriage. He just doesn't want to do it. And that's why you drew that line.

Your AH SHOULD appreciate your loyalty and your steadfastness. But guess what, his mind has been so soaked in the sauce that asking him to love you is like asking him to dig a hole to China. He may have stopped drinking, but it sounds like he is still very much a dry drunk, and he can't be the man that you deserve. In regards to my sister, it actually makes it easier to think that her brain has been so fried with years of drinking and drugging that the possibility of rational thought is nil.

It's easier said than done, but you can't take this personally.

Hugs to you.

Artie1212

Thank you. That does help. I go between thinking I'm jumping ship too soon, to seeing his "Big Book" collect dust on the bookshelf with the first 1/4 read and notated, and the back 3/4 never cracked, and knowing that he doesn't want to change. I appreciate the support. I suppose it's just mourning.

Ariesagain

You could stay and be a miserable single mom or you could leave and be a single mom who has some hope of happiness.

Behind every man who is supposedly a saint is a spouse who's working her ass off doing his job as well as her own and resenting it mightily, and for good reason.

LexieCat

Just FYI, the important stuff in the BB is the first 164 pages. The rest is personal stories. Not that they are completely irrelevant, but the program of AA is in the first 164 pages, which is usually the part that is studied and annotated. So that alone doesn't imply he didn't work it, at one point, anyway.

Artie1212

Well now I feel worse.

Sasha1972

He seems fine, but he is not. "Fine" people don't abandon their families. "Fine" people don't polish up their shiny outsides (he's a coach! he's a volunteer! he does all these great things for people to see!) and neglect their core responsibilities. That's not about "being healthy", it's about showing off. He's a jerk, and this new woman has landed herself a real prize.

Like someone else said, you can either be a single mom or a single mom. The only difference is whether you've got an additional child to deal with. (Hope that made some sense!).

PuzzledHeart

No. Your line was drawn with the extracurricular activity, NOT the Big Book. You didn't change the rules on him.

And you said BB was gathering dust anyway.

LexieCat

Yeah, don't feel bad (over that, anyway). Heck, great for everybody if eventually he DOES get sober (much better if he can someday have a relationship with his kids, and for you to be able to co-parent successfully), but right now he doesn't sound like he's a real partner to you, and there's NOTHING as lonely as being in a relationship with someone who's mentally/emotionally checked out, whether it's due to drinking or anything else.

You'll be OK, promise.

theuncertainty

Artie, can you do yourself a favor? Whenever you hear that voice pop up that tells you you're being pathetic, tell it to stop and then tell yourself (at least) one good thing you've done today, or one good trait about yourself.

He's an a--. A good dad does not jump ship and commit to coaching other people's kids to the detriment of his own children. A good dad does not withhold funds needed to support his kids. A good dad doesn't start an online dating profile while still married. A good dad does not make the mother of his children feel like she doesn't matter.

A good parent does ask that their partner commit to their family. A good partner does take steps needed to give their kids at least one healthy parent. A great parent has kids who know that they are loved by that parent and want to spend time with them. YOU are a great parent.

Artie1212

Y'all, I'm really struggling today. I went to the court ordered parenting class last night about family change, and it was so hard. It was all predicated on hating each other and all that. And I just don't feel that way. I love him. I wish it could be different. And of course, I miss him. And I don't know why.
And he wants this divorce, 100%. I've even asked him again, and yes. 100%. I just want it to stop hurting so badly.

LexieCat

I think those classes are geared toward the "worst-case scenario." You don't have to hate each other, but given the history, you would be wise to be cautious. The time right around the divorce is often the hardest, so things may settle down in to a manageable routine.

It will hurt less with time. And time just takes time.