Advice ASAP, boyfriend hits me and breaks my belongings
 

The first time he ever put hands on me was a couple months into the relationships...he shoved me and I dropped to the floor when I tried walking away from him because he kept yelling at. I never thought it was a huge deal because I saw it as him thinking I was leaving the house and he was concerned for me because it was late and didn't want me out, or something. Excuses.


Fast forward to now, almost a year in.....it got more physical and verbally bad it was bad before but even worse now, he went from thinking I'm so beautiful to I'm nothing special. Long story short, I refused to give him money for weed after a night of having a couple drinks which I paid for. I refused to pull out more money....that's when he pushed me out in public, kept yelling in my face. He wouldn't let me in the house, he locked me out, and when he finally let me in he smashed my head in the wall. The whole night was him yelling at me, threatening me, pushing me onto the ground, hitting me. He has a big problem with me not spending enough money on him, I refuse to...he can bad habits that are not my problem.

He acts like he hates me now, acts Like he doesn't want me around but always asks me to come hang out...he wants me to b affectionate to him, but I'm never the one to get hugs or kisses anymore.


He is an alcoholic , he was drunk when he got physical with me, verbally sober and drunk. He just recently told me he does cocaine occasionally.
What does he act so bad to me, but still want me around ??

Can anyone relate help me out? Does this guy even like me?

He hates himself, but can't bring himself to slap himself around either physically or emotionally.

Therefore, you are his punching bag.

If he placed an ad in Craigs List for "Girlfriend willing to take physical blows delivered by man," few girls (if any) would answer it (would you?).

So, he has to lure you in like any good fisherman: using bait that's attractive to you (c'mon over and hang out).

R-U-N to the nearest exit.

He has committed several crimes against you. I'd be thinking about calling the police or applying for a protective order, not worrying about whether he "likes" you or not.

I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter and talking with an advocate. I certainly wouldn't have any further contact with him. You are likely to be seriously injured (or worse) if you stay in this relationship.

Being and "A" is bad enough by getting out of control when drinking, but this "A" stands for ABUSER which is a totally separate issue. Even if he stopped drinking tonight, he would still be an abuser. Think long and hard about that one. God only knows the monster he will become if you choose to stick around for more. Your relationship is VERY young and new still. Yikes.

Please get out of this situation and take care of yourself. You deserve much better than this. Use the Domestic Violence hotlines and call for support and information. You can go to a Women's Shelter and be safe:

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)

International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center

Get out of this situation immediately! Stay with friends, family, or an abuse shelter if you have to. Also look into filing a restraining order or possibly police charges. Violence is not something to play around with.

You need to get out this situation and do not for one second try to convince yourself that this is acceptable behavior.

My xabf has done some crazy sh*t in the past and i stayed for 5 years pretending it was ok because he didn't do anything since the first or second year we dated, e.g. throwing lamps, punching doors, cutting and burning himself, pulling my hood, throwing my purse on the ground, putting his hand around my neck yelling at me telling me to admit I was a "piece of sh*t," throwing knives into a table. This doesn't appear to be as severe as your situation. Point is, I know it is hard when you love someone. It is easy for people to say "just get out.". I've been there, but intimate relationships are not based on unconditional love and you have a right to have standards. You don't stand for physical OR verbal abuse just because you love someone.

This guy has a LOT of issues he has to sort out. Get the F out, please!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You don't have to answer here if you don't want to, but please ask yourself - why do YOU still want HIM around?

I second what everyone else has said, please seek some help from an advocate, and get a protection order. You deserve a safe home!

Just to expand a bit on what I wrote before. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time. Even if the abuse is "worse" when he's been drinking, the alcohol doesn't CAUSE the abuse. Most alcoholics are not abusive, and most abusers are not alcoholics. Ditto with the cocaine use. Abuse is rooted in a sense of entitlement--that he has the right to control you.

In his case, that evidently includes the right to demand your money and to treat you in any way he wants, with the expectation that you will continue to permit it.

Please be careful. The time when someone leaves an abuser can be a very dangerous time--he may interpret your leaving as a direct challenge to his authority.

Please do reach out for an advocate's assistance in making your break safely. In any jurisdiction in the US (and many other places, as well) his assaulting you is sufficient to qualify for a protective order, which requires him to have no contact with you. If you or he needs to remove belongings, that can be done with a police officer standing by to ensure your safety. If he violates the order by contacting you, the police are required to make an arrest before it escalates to something dangerous.

Red flag- hitting anyone is wrong. Your safety comes first. Addiction also changes a person- they will do, say- anything for their high. So if kind words do not work- bad ones might. The only logical thing about addiction, is that is the goal- get more booze/drugs- whatever. Lots of advice - from people who can give it better than me.
Empathy and support to you. PJ

A couple of questions for you to think about. No response here necessary.

What if, the next time he asks you to "hang out," you said no? What do you think would happen?

If your little sister, daughter, or best friend or anyone else you love and care about, came to you and described what you posted above as happening to her, what advice would you give her?

Do you believe that you have value and that you deserve better than what you are getting from this abusive addict?

I hope you continue to come here and talk to us. We truly do understand and would love to help you. (((HUGS)))

You've gotten quite a bit of good info already. I just wanted to add for this question:
Even if he does like you, even if he is over-the-moon, head-over-heels, thinks-you-hung-the-stars in love with you, *this* is how he behaves. *This* is how he treats you. Is *this* what YOU want?

And I'm not talking about: If he changes. Not: If he stops drinking or using. Not: If he goes to AA. Not: When he's nice. Him. As he is now. As he's shown you he is: the swings between hurting you and pretending it didn't happen (or matter.) Is that what you want?

I'm not asking you to write it out here, but something to think about. Though, if you do want to talk it through, please know we're here to listen and lend support.

I know people who throw things, and break things when they are angry that's why it never phased me when he did that.... until one night it was bad, the same night he smashed my head on the wall, he destroyed every single thing in his room, he stabbed the wall and his fridge, when he put it down I hid it. He blamed it on not having weed, he says it's his medicine and helps him calm down, I felt bad not giving him money.
The night after he said he felt depressed, isn't that from cocaine withdrawal?

I'm so confused as to what it really is....

Is it cocaine, not having weed, his bad temper ect??
He says he has blackouts. And admits to his temper getting worse that he can feel himself shake. But then, he says he needs to go to the doctors.

I guess I'm wondering if it's just his personality, he said he might be bi polar.


I know it doesn't matter, whatever it is.

So it's just a personality thing ?

You have gotten a lot of good advice here my friend. For your own safety please leave, and call the hot line. Get an order of protection. He is not well, and you are doing yourself no good by staying. Run and run fast!!

Don't analyze it, he hits you because he is an abuser not because he's an alcoholic. The next time he hits you (there will be a next time unless you go), he could very well kill you. It happens fairly often enough that it's no longer shocking to see women killed by their partners. Listen to the good folks here. Go, call the hotlines who are trained and can go into professional detail on how to leave (logistics).

This is more a DV problem than how to deal with an addict.

What's DV?

Domestic violence

What we are telling you is that it isn't a drinking problem, or a drug problem, or even, most likely, a mental health problem. Most abusers don't suffer from any of those issues. It's a power and control/domestic violence issue. Chances are he has treated previous girlfriends the same way, and will treat future girlfriends the same way.

It's not a matter of getting him to a doctor. It's a matter of protecting yourself, which means making a safe and speedy exit from the relationship.

It doesn't matter what it is. He is abusive and can murder you. It happens. Often enough. and his behavior fits the profile of that capability. There is no "just" a personality here. He is sick and you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Please take Lexie's advice. There's no unpacking of his personality necessary.